selhan

This is my first time here, so here it goes. My AH sneaks out on me when I'm in another room or at the store. I took our two girls to the store today, we were only gone about an hour, but when we got back he was gone. There's never a note, and who knows when he'll get back, its a given that he will be drunk. He also stays out all night. Last night at 10:00 he said he was going to a friends house to hang out and would be home soon. Well SOON didn't come until 8:30 this morning! I asked where he had been all night, he just said he wasn't up to anything. I don't understand why he leaves like that, if he could just leave a note. It puts me in a rage and it's hard to take care of my girls when I'm always so angry with him. I would like to get out of this horrible relationship, but I'm finacially stuck. I have a hard time thinking positive and I'm absolutly scared of what this is doing to my precious little girls.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello selhan,

Welcome to the recovery forums! He told you he'd be back soon and came back the next morning... if he left you a note, do you suppose whatever it said would be reliable? Same if he told you what he'd be up to. I know adults are generally expected to be more considerate than this, but you've just got one that's not. If you have to stay with him for awhile, this may be one issue you have to work on letting go of. It would **** me off, too.

Have you checked out an alanon meeting in your area? Also, at the top of this and the naranon forums are threads titled "power posts". There's a lot of good reading in there.

Thanks for joining us!
Hugs,
Smoke

JT

Welcome to the Recovery Forum...you aren't alone in any of this.

You may not be able to change his behavior but you can begin today to have a life of your own. Sneaking out when your back is turned? Pretty childish if you ask me.

You are powerless over another person...that is true...but you also have choices. You can stay one day at a time while coming here, reading, getting educated about addictive behavior and making a plan.

There are power posts at the top of the anon forums that are worth a read, along with a reading list. Do you have a library you can use?

Please make yourself at home here...we have been where you are and many still are.

Hugs,
JT

selhan

I am so excited about this forum!! I need the support and friendship I've been missing out on for so long and look forward to getting my life back. Feeling good right now. Oh, AH came back about half an hour ago. He walked in drunk and said, I really do love you. In stead of freaking out as usual, I just said, I know you do, now why don't you go lay down and rest in case I have to work tomorrow. It felt good to not get mad. Now he's asleep and I'm still free to have a good evening. Is this the start of detachment?

Thanks for such quick responces.

jessieandme2003

I just wanted to let you know I've been where you are. It used to make me crazy and I'd not be able to think about anything except where he was and when he'd be back. My daughter wanted my attention but I could barely give it to her because I'd be so distracted by my own crazy thoughts about his being out. I'd stare out the window, look at the clock, sit out front to listen for his truck, pace the floors, etc.
The three C's were the first thing a member of Al Anon said to me, and they opened my eyes. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.
Nothing I did or didn't do led to his drinking more or less. Nor his leaving or staying, or coming home sooner. Nothing I could do would stop it, slow it, influence it in any way. Even when he'd try to say something I did or didn't do made him do it, I now know none of that was true. He was not out and thinking of how he was upsetting me, how I would feel, he was only thinking of drinking. He would push any of those thoughts out of his head, and only face them as he faced coming back home. By then he knew he'd done wrong, and would be panicked, and then become irritated with me because he was feeling that way.
So if nothing I did or could do made any difference, then why let it ruin my time? I was only hurting myself, and yelling at him would do nothing. You seem to have discovered that by not losing a whole evening to arguing with him when he came back.
Al Anon can help you in so many ways to discover ways to focus on your own happiness, and that of your children, and less on a problem you cannot do anything about.

constant

Welcome Selhan,

Glad that you found us! Mine never would sneak, but would neglect to tell anyone where he would be or when he would return. A little while could mean just about anything! How frustrating! I can understand your frustration, I have been there!

Concentrating on ourselves helps to ease the frustration. Realizing that we have NO CONTROL over them is also very helpful. Now that you have found us, you can start working on you!

Keep posting, Constant

bandibabe

I was with the master of Sneaking Out, A would wait till I went to bed the go out the back slider next thing you know I hear the car starting up & the master of "taking seperate cars" Of course we all know the purpose of that.

At that point I would say to him at least tell me Your going out to get high don't keep me worried.

& what was worse he started bringing his drugs home and would say to me "Well you said you wanted me home more often"

journeygal

Bandibabe - ROFLMAO!!!!

I'm sorry to laugh, but that sounds so much like my husband when he was using. Bringing the drugs home so he can "be home more often" . The things that go through their minds when they're using!!!