Please develop a survival instinct--and me too
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Please develop a survival instinct--and me too
Hey everybody--
I'm having a tough time tonight because my STBXAH looks and seems near death to me. I sometimes envy the posts I read by people that say their addicted SO has found somebody else, or is living with their parents again, or whatever, because mine is just a slug that literally lays on my couch in my condo (bought before our marriage--I'm living with my parents) while he awaits our divorce. He's drinking more than ever and mixing it with Xanax and sleeping pills. He found out a week ago that I've begun dating someone else--I didn't want him to find out, especially because he was sober and making plans for himself at the time and I knew he'd use it as an excuse to self-destruct, and he has. Today, I came over to see if he still wanted to go through with a plan he had before he found this out, which was to rent a small house near his sister, the only family member he has left that still wants to help, but the only way they would rent to him is if I paid 6 months rent in advance, which I was willing to do and just take it out of the money he'll get in the divorce, because I felt more secure with him being near family as far as our daughter is concerned, and also because I would rather the money go to that than being drunk up. He was passed out on the couch, but woke up a little bit. I freaked, and wanted to call an ambulance, but after much deliberation with my parents, ultimately decided that he knew how to dial 911 if the situation was dire, and that I was better off leaving my hands off the addict. I mean, I had to make the choice today to stop meddling, even if I knew that he might be doing things that could kill him. He hasn't called me since I came over (and he normally tries to harrass me via the telephone many, many times a day) so for all I know he actually is dead right now.
But it's hard. I am going through with the divorce, I am in therapy, I have started attending Al-Anon, and am even in a new and promising relationship, but...I feel I'm continually being asked for more than I have. I feel like he's going to continue to just make himself more and more desparate because he knows that that works on me, or at least, has in the past. I was strong enough to get through all of that, and now he's asking me to be strong enough to sit back and watch him die. I feel like he really would rather be dead than try to take any responsibility for himself. Do I let him? I'll be honest, I want to...I can't continue to live feeling like his every decision is on me, that I'm the only person tethering him to reality. My new beau says to replace the word "care" with "control", as in...When I say that I still feel that he needs someone to care about him, or when I feel that my "caring" is going to somehow make a difference, to think about how I'm really feeling that I can somehow control his outcome, which I can't.
I titled the thread the way I did because that phrase came out when I was journaling about this, because it is what I wish he would do, but then I realized that it is what I still need to do for myself, too...and I have been to a large extent, but occasionally I still feel the quakes of his self-destructive undertow.
I'm having a tough time tonight because my STBXAH looks and seems near death to me. I sometimes envy the posts I read by people that say their addicted SO has found somebody else, or is living with their parents again, or whatever, because mine is just a slug that literally lays on my couch in my condo (bought before our marriage--I'm living with my parents) while he awaits our divorce. He's drinking more than ever and mixing it with Xanax and sleeping pills. He found out a week ago that I've begun dating someone else--I didn't want him to find out, especially because he was sober and making plans for himself at the time and I knew he'd use it as an excuse to self-destruct, and he has. Today, I came over to see if he still wanted to go through with a plan he had before he found this out, which was to rent a small house near his sister, the only family member he has left that still wants to help, but the only way they would rent to him is if I paid 6 months rent in advance, which I was willing to do and just take it out of the money he'll get in the divorce, because I felt more secure with him being near family as far as our daughter is concerned, and also because I would rather the money go to that than being drunk up. He was passed out on the couch, but woke up a little bit. I freaked, and wanted to call an ambulance, but after much deliberation with my parents, ultimately decided that he knew how to dial 911 if the situation was dire, and that I was better off leaving my hands off the addict. I mean, I had to make the choice today to stop meddling, even if I knew that he might be doing things that could kill him. He hasn't called me since I came over (and he normally tries to harrass me via the telephone many, many times a day) so for all I know he actually is dead right now.
But it's hard. I am going through with the divorce, I am in therapy, I have started attending Al-Anon, and am even in a new and promising relationship, but...I feel I'm continually being asked for more than I have. I feel like he's going to continue to just make himself more and more desparate because he knows that that works on me, or at least, has in the past. I was strong enough to get through all of that, and now he's asking me to be strong enough to sit back and watch him die. I feel like he really would rather be dead than try to take any responsibility for himself. Do I let him? I'll be honest, I want to...I can't continue to live feeling like his every decision is on me, that I'm the only person tethering him to reality. My new beau says to replace the word "care" with "control", as in...When I say that I still feel that he needs someone to care about him, or when I feel that my "caring" is going to somehow make a difference, to think about how I'm really feeling that I can somehow control his outcome, which I can't.
I titled the thread the way I did because that phrase came out when I was journaling about this, because it is what I wish he would do, but then I realized that it is what I still need to do for myself, too...and I have been to a large extent, but occasionally I still feel the quakes of his self-destructive undertow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this! (Hugs).
I'm sure others will be along shortly with great advise, as I'm not doing so well myself in this crap!!
But you are right, you cannot do anything more to help him......better off surrendering & handing him to God or your HP.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with great advise, as I'm not doing so well myself in this crap!!
But you are right, you cannot do anything more to help him......better off surrendering & handing him to God or your HP.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Having been on both sides of this stuff (as a drinker, and in several relationships with em..), I do want to say that I'm proud of you for firming up your boundaries and stepping back when you want to 'meddle' 
However, while he is an adult, makes his own stupid choices, etc etc.. I would be dead right now had my husband not called 911 when he did 9 months ago. I think there's a huge difference between meddling and calling 911. I was not able to do that myself, and I'm blessed that things turned out the way they did, me being alive and all. That's just my story though, and I know we're all walking in very different shoes.
I'm left wondering though (and I'm sorry if this was in other posts of yours, I haven't read them), if the condo is yours, why is he there?
And are you ready to be in a relationship?
Ok enough questions I know how hard it is to be where you're at, please take care of you, and your heart.
However, while he is an adult, makes his own stupid choices, etc etc.. I would be dead right now had my husband not called 911 when he did 9 months ago. I think there's a huge difference between meddling and calling 911. I was not able to do that myself, and I'm blessed that things turned out the way they did, me being alive and all. That's just my story though, and I know we're all walking in very different shoes.
I'm left wondering though (and I'm sorry if this was in other posts of yours, I haven't read them), if the condo is yours, why is he there?
And are you ready to be in a relationship?
Ok enough questions
I know how hard it is to be where you're at, please take care of you, and your heart.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi mambo,
I'm sorry you're going through this, but happy that you have such a good support network built around you. About this...
Remember that statement we bandy around a lot here: He's not doing this TO you, he's just doing it.
He will develop a survival instinct if and when he wants to.
He will become responsible for himself if & when he wants to.
He will stop drinking if & when he wants to, and he may never want to.
There is no "letting him." You are not in charge of him, and you can't control what he does.
Please try to take off your superwoman cape, fold it up, and take it to goodwill. I know it's horribly sad to see the choices he's making for himself, but they're HIS choices. It's his life, not yours, and the more you can put it back into his hands, turn around and walk away, the fewer days like this you will have.
If there were a way to get him out of your condo and reduce the amount of contact you have with him even more, I would seize it.
Let yourself off this hook. You have a life to build - yours, not his - and you need all your own energy and compassion right now
I'm sorry you're going through this, but happy that you have such a good support network built around you. About this...
I was strong enough to get through all of that, and now he's asking me to be strong enough to sit back and watch him die. I feel like he really would rather be dead than try to take any responsibility for himself. Do I let him?
He will develop a survival instinct if and when he wants to.
He will become responsible for himself if & when he wants to.
He will stop drinking if & when he wants to, and he may never want to.
There is no "letting him." You are not in charge of him, and you can't control what he does.
Please try to take off your superwoman cape, fold it up, and take it to goodwill. I know it's horribly sad to see the choices he's making for himself, but they're HIS choices. It's his life, not yours, and the more you can put it back into his hands, turn around and walk away, the fewer days like this you will have.
If there were a way to get him out of your condo and reduce the amount of contact you have with him even more, I would seize it.
Let yourself off this hook. You have a life to build - yours, not his - and you need all your own energy and compassion right now
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Queen, and congratulations on doing so many good things for yourself
You are absolutely right about not meddling. However, there's a few suggestions from al-anon that might help you make this decision in the future.
1) Do for the addict _only_ what the addict is not able to do for themselves. If he is unconscious from pills and booze then he is _not_ able to call 911 for himself, and you have no way of knowing if he's in medical trouble. That is a good time to call 911, but you don't have to go visit him in the hospital while they dry him out.
2) Do for _yourself_ everything necessary to protect yourself. If he is passed out on _your_ couch in _your_ condo there is the danger that he could turn on a burner on the stove to cook something, and pass out, burning down the place. Does he smoke? If he drops a lit cigarette on the carpet your condo could go up in flames. Calling 911 to protect _your_ property and the lives of people is _always_ a good thing.
3) Whatever you decide to do, make a plan _before_ you do it. Talk to your lawyer about your rights to throw him out of the condo _now_, before he burns down the place. Ask your lawyer about calling 911, and whether you can use the paramedic report as part of the proof to have him thrown out of your place as a danger to himself and the neighbors.
If you decide to throw him out via 911, ask your lawyer what happens when he gets out of the hospital? Do you need a restraining order, or just a letter to evict? Should you tell the paramedics _which_ hospital to take him to, so that he goes to one with a built-in treatment center? Should you make arrangements with his sister while he's in the hospital so he has a place to go when they let him out?
Whadya think?
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
... ultimately decided that he knew how to dial 911 if the situation was dire, and that I was better off leaving my hands off the addict. ....
1) Do for the addict _only_ what the addict is not able to do for themselves. If he is unconscious from pills and booze then he is _not_ able to call 911 for himself, and you have no way of knowing if he's in medical trouble. That is a good time to call 911, but you don't have to go visit him in the hospital while they dry him out.
2) Do for _yourself_ everything necessary to protect yourself. If he is passed out on _your_ couch in _your_ condo there is the danger that he could turn on a burner on the stove to cook something, and pass out, burning down the place. Does he smoke? If he drops a lit cigarette on the carpet your condo could go up in flames. Calling 911 to protect _your_ property and the lives of people is _always_ a good thing.
3) Whatever you decide to do, make a plan _before_ you do it. Talk to your lawyer about your rights to throw him out of the condo _now_, before he burns down the place. Ask your lawyer about calling 911, and whether you can use the paramedic report as part of the proof to have him thrown out of your place as a danger to himself and the neighbors.
If you decide to throw him out via 911, ask your lawyer what happens when he gets out of the hospital? Do you need a restraining order, or just a letter to evict? Should you tell the paramedics _which_ hospital to take him to, so that he goes to one with a built-in treatment center? Should you make arrangements with his sister while he's in the hospital so he has a place to go when they let him out?
Whadya think?
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I ended up not calling 911. Just about everyone I talked to about it seemed to think it was a bad idea as he was really not in any worse shape than I've seen him in before...he did "respond" somewhat when I was over there--he opened his eyes and kept saying, "Just let me die". He hasn't called at all today either. Maybe he is dead, although I sincerely doubt it, and I think if I had truly thought he was at death's door I would have called, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought he was just super drunk,but if he is, that's his choice too. God help me, I don't want to get involved anymore even to that level. When our divorce goes through, if he still hasn't secured a place to stay, I will help him to the extent of helping find a place and maybe even giving them a year's rent up front out of his divorce settlement money, but I think I'm much more comfortable now just leaving my hands completely off the addict and not devoting any more of time and energy in trying to figure out his problems, and that includes getting him hospital care. After all, he's been to the hospital on four previous occasions, and it changed nothing. Two times, he stayed sober for a while, two other times, he went back to drinking right away. I doubt it'd do any long term good. I'm also going to see about not giving him nearly as much money as I was going to--I'll still keep the money earmarked for him if he needs it for things like getting a place and/or going to rehab, but I'd like as little of the money to be in the control of a drunk who's making very poor decisions as possible. Before this last bender, he was going to be renting a place out by his sister about an hour away, and the only way they'd rent to him was if I paid 6 months upfront, since he has no job. Well, he's screwed that up--he's totally pissed off his sister with his drunken tirades, and can't even stay sober long enough to tell me if he even wants the place or would move in if I got it. I was going to do all the legwork for him, just to get him out of my place, but I'm not willing to do that now. I'm cool at my parents for the time being--they help out with my daughter too which is great. He can crash on that smelly couch until the divorce, at which time I'll offer him the option of leaving the easy way (with me trying to help him out in finding and renting a place) or the hard way (with me calling the sheriff to have his ass evicted and him just having to figure out where he goes next). But I'm not going to waste my summer doing for him what he has absolutely no interest in doing for himself.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
It seems you are still trying to 'parent' him. Earmarking money so he can have it for a specific purpose, but not drink it away? That doesn't sound like a divorce settlement, it sounds like a trust fund.
I say give him his share and wash your hands. Let him do what he will. Unless you want to continue being his mommy......
L
I say give him his share and wash your hands. Let him do what he will. Unless you want to continue being his mommy......
L
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