To the end of crazy and To new beginnings~
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 50
To the end of crazy and To new beginnings~
Woke up this am and guess I finally reached the point where I was done. Someone had sent me a comment and it really hit me. It said "If he is dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go."
I kept trying to think back to a time when I must have become this person that I am right now. The one that feels unworthy, unlovable, overweight, and just not good enough. And it occured to me, it was during my marriage to abusive EXAH. I remember his brother making the remark after we met "she's kinda fat". I can look back now and remember at the time I weighed 120 and was 5'3, a far cry from overweight, but when I looked in the mirror I saw ugly. The longer the abuse, both physical and verbal went on, the more ugly I became, the more unworthy,and must have felt on some level that I deserved it, that what I was doing wasn't enough or good enough so I constantly tried to do more or be better.
I carried that with me to all my relationships, including this last one to EXABF. If he is dumb enough to walk away~be smart enough to let him go! Why would I WANT to be with someone who so obviously does NOT deserve me, or my time and love? WHY would I want someone in my life who so obviously doesn't want to be there????? Pretty sad if I stop to think about it that I felt like I deserved nothing, and was willing to jump at every carrot he dangled in front of me for the past 6 months, any crumb he offered.
In my f2F meeting Friday night I was getting very aggrivated because nothing anyone was saying was helping me and I really needed help, I really felt like I was going crazy this week and ready for a breakdown and had to force myself to get to that meeting and now HP was not speaking to me at all while I was there. About ten mins before the meeting ended a lady started talking about how she was driving to work one day and the SOBER and recovering A she had been with for 2 years name came across the radio and he was arrested for child molesting. She said she was in shock and felt like she should have seen the signs since she was in recovery. She said everyone in the rooms was in shock also and she felt beat down that she never saw the real him. She said that alcohol is cunning and baffing and that sobriety doesn't mean recovery or healthy, and that alcoholics drunk or sober are "master manipulators". I was amazed.
Here I was all this time thinking EXABF is sober 10 yrs and in program and sponsoring people but that doesn't necessarily mean he is healthy!!! All this time I was thinking that EXABF was perfect and I was the one that was a mess, I was insane! If he said it was white, and I knew it was black, I'd doubt myself and my ability to decide anything and it became white. I was always wrong or at fault. Now I know I am not perfect, and I know for the past 6 mths that anyone looking into our relationship would have thought that I was the crazy one from the things I was doing, and they would have been right. When I think back today I know HP saved me from my own insane self!
Well I did send him a final email today. Told him to keep my belongings or give them away to charity-(I don't care nor want him here again) and then ended it with---"IT ENDS TODAY-BECAUSE I SAID IT ENDS TODAY!" I realized I matter and deserve soooooo much better!
I can't tell you how good I feel today all because of those words, almost empowered....and free.
Today I start over, free from the drama, free from the guilt of feeling like this was all my fault, free from the hoovering and hooks, knowing that I DO DESERVE THE BEST not the leftovers that EXABF wanted to toss my way to help himself feel better when he needed his fix!! Today I am smart enough to let him go!!!!!
thanks for listening and being there
spirit
I kept trying to think back to a time when I must have become this person that I am right now. The one that feels unworthy, unlovable, overweight, and just not good enough. And it occured to me, it was during my marriage to abusive EXAH. I remember his brother making the remark after we met "she's kinda fat". I can look back now and remember at the time I weighed 120 and was 5'3, a far cry from overweight, but when I looked in the mirror I saw ugly. The longer the abuse, both physical and verbal went on, the more ugly I became, the more unworthy,and must have felt on some level that I deserved it, that what I was doing wasn't enough or good enough so I constantly tried to do more or be better.
I carried that with me to all my relationships, including this last one to EXABF. If he is dumb enough to walk away~be smart enough to let him go! Why would I WANT to be with someone who so obviously does NOT deserve me, or my time and love? WHY would I want someone in my life who so obviously doesn't want to be there????? Pretty sad if I stop to think about it that I felt like I deserved nothing, and was willing to jump at every carrot he dangled in front of me for the past 6 months, any crumb he offered.
In my f2F meeting Friday night I was getting very aggrivated because nothing anyone was saying was helping me and I really needed help, I really felt like I was going crazy this week and ready for a breakdown and had to force myself to get to that meeting and now HP was not speaking to me at all while I was there. About ten mins before the meeting ended a lady started talking about how she was driving to work one day and the SOBER and recovering A she had been with for 2 years name came across the radio and he was arrested for child molesting. She said she was in shock and felt like she should have seen the signs since she was in recovery. She said everyone in the rooms was in shock also and she felt beat down that she never saw the real him. She said that alcohol is cunning and baffing and that sobriety doesn't mean recovery or healthy, and that alcoholics drunk or sober are "master manipulators". I was amazed.
Here I was all this time thinking EXABF is sober 10 yrs and in program and sponsoring people but that doesn't necessarily mean he is healthy!!! All this time I was thinking that EXABF was perfect and I was the one that was a mess, I was insane! If he said it was white, and I knew it was black, I'd doubt myself and my ability to decide anything and it became white. I was always wrong or at fault. Now I know I am not perfect, and I know for the past 6 mths that anyone looking into our relationship would have thought that I was the crazy one from the things I was doing, and they would have been right. When I think back today I know HP saved me from my own insane self!
Well I did send him a final email today. Told him to keep my belongings or give them away to charity-(I don't care nor want him here again) and then ended it with---"IT ENDS TODAY-BECAUSE I SAID IT ENDS TODAY!" I realized I matter and deserve soooooo much better!
I can't tell you how good I feel today all because of those words, almost empowered....and free.
Today I start over, free from the drama, free from the guilt of feeling like this was all my fault, free from the hoovering and hooks, knowing that I DO DESERVE THE BEST not the leftovers that EXABF wanted to toss my way to help himself feel better when he needed his fix!! Today I am smart enough to let him go!!!!!
thanks for listening and being there
spirit
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 14
Wonderful news!!!
Your post is something I totally could have written. I've been out of my relationship w/my XABF for 6 months (kicked him to the curb after I found out he was cheating), and it was the same thing. Waiting around for the crumbs of affection, putting up with all sorts of physical/verbal abuse, because (coming from an alcoholic family) I thought that was "normal".
I'm trying to create my new "normal" while I'm in recovery myself. This forum has been a godsend to me. I hope it is for you, too.
Sending you hugs!!!
Your post is something I totally could have written. I've been out of my relationship w/my XABF for 6 months (kicked him to the curb after I found out he was cheating), and it was the same thing. Waiting around for the crumbs of affection, putting up with all sorts of physical/verbal abuse, because (coming from an alcoholic family) I thought that was "normal".
I'm trying to create my new "normal" while I'm in recovery myself. This forum has been a godsend to me. I hope it is for you, too.
Sending you hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I struggle with self esteem as well. I found this on the internet and this concept has been really helpful for me. You are doing great work by the way!
************************************************** **
We cannot truly love and accept others, or accomplish anything of lasting value in our life if we don't like ourselves.
Having a healthy self-image is fundamental to happiness and success. I am aware that many people think it is not 'spiritual' to improve self image. They believe it strengthens the ego. I have found that the opposite is true. For example, usually people with a poor self image are found to boast...they gloat about good they are, but actually they are only trying to convince themselves.
Having a positive self-image is prerequisite to genuine spiritual insight. Only when the fruit is ripe does it fall. Only when the self image is wholesome can it be transcended to understand that a sense of separate self is an illusion.
The following is a powerful exercise to improve self-image. Doing it for daily for two weeks can catalyse a wonderful shift in the way we relate to ourself and others. It just takes five or ten minutes to do.
Thats why its also called the 'Five Minute Miracle'.
Take a moment to relax. Close your eyes and become aware of the sensations you feel in your body. Notice how your body feels touching the chair or bed.
Take a few deep, refreshing breaths.
Now, create an image of yourself in your minds eye. See yourself surrounded by light and love. You might imagine a blanket of warm pink light caressing your body.
Imagine that this love is going into every cell of your body, creating a healthy, strong and beautiful body.
See yourself exercising your body and enjoying the sensations of doing so.
Visualize yourself eating healthy food. Taste this food and enjoy it.
Hear yourself surrounded by friends telling you how wonderful you look.
Imagine you are telling these friends how wonderful you feel. Actually feel wonderful!
Spend a moment feeling the joy of your healthy, strong and beautiful body.
Take a moment to thank your body for all that it does for you.
Feel the gratitude you have for this incredible body in which you live. Even if you do not presently feel grateful for your body, imagine that you live in a body for which you feel grateful!
Now, imagine yourself accomplishing something important to you. It might be something physical, like running a mile; or something social, like being more poised; something mental, like passing an exam; or something spiritual, like being more kind-hearted and generous.
See yourself actually doing this activity or having already accomplished this.
Celebrate this accomplishment with your friends. Let yourself feel the joy of accomplishment.
Now think of some aspect of you that is special.
Imagine that you are loving that part of yourself.
Feel joy and gratitude for this part of yourself.
Imagine yourself as a unique being of radiant beauty, vibrant health, and unique accomplishments.
Feel the way you would feel if you were already living your highest, truest life.
Feel the joy and let the image go.
Throughout the day, remind yourself that love works and that you are a unique being, worthy of love.
Do this exercise at least once a day. Two or three times a day will bring quicker results. You will get positive results, but you may need to continue to use the force of love if you want the changes to become permanent. Start by doing it for two weeks. You will see the meaningful changes very soon.
Directing your thoughts in this way you can transform every situation in your life to those filled with peace and harmony.
************************************************** **
We cannot truly love and accept others, or accomplish anything of lasting value in our life if we don't like ourselves.
Having a healthy self-image is fundamental to happiness and success. I am aware that many people think it is not 'spiritual' to improve self image. They believe it strengthens the ego. I have found that the opposite is true. For example, usually people with a poor self image are found to boast...they gloat about good they are, but actually they are only trying to convince themselves.
Having a positive self-image is prerequisite to genuine spiritual insight. Only when the fruit is ripe does it fall. Only when the self image is wholesome can it be transcended to understand that a sense of separate self is an illusion.
The following is a powerful exercise to improve self-image. Doing it for daily for two weeks can catalyse a wonderful shift in the way we relate to ourself and others. It just takes five or ten minutes to do.
Thats why its also called the 'Five Minute Miracle'.
Take a moment to relax. Close your eyes and become aware of the sensations you feel in your body. Notice how your body feels touching the chair or bed.
Take a few deep, refreshing breaths.
Now, create an image of yourself in your minds eye. See yourself surrounded by light and love. You might imagine a blanket of warm pink light caressing your body.
Imagine that this love is going into every cell of your body, creating a healthy, strong and beautiful body.
See yourself exercising your body and enjoying the sensations of doing so.
Visualize yourself eating healthy food. Taste this food and enjoy it.
Hear yourself surrounded by friends telling you how wonderful you look.
Imagine you are telling these friends how wonderful you feel. Actually feel wonderful!
Spend a moment feeling the joy of your healthy, strong and beautiful body.
Take a moment to thank your body for all that it does for you.
Feel the gratitude you have for this incredible body in which you live. Even if you do not presently feel grateful for your body, imagine that you live in a body for which you feel grateful!
Now, imagine yourself accomplishing something important to you. It might be something physical, like running a mile; or something social, like being more poised; something mental, like passing an exam; or something spiritual, like being more kind-hearted and generous.
See yourself actually doing this activity or having already accomplished this.
Celebrate this accomplishment with your friends. Let yourself feel the joy of accomplishment.
Now think of some aspect of you that is special.
Imagine that you are loving that part of yourself.
Feel joy and gratitude for this part of yourself.
Imagine yourself as a unique being of radiant beauty, vibrant health, and unique accomplishments.
Feel the way you would feel if you were already living your highest, truest life.
Feel the joy and let the image go.
Throughout the day, remind yourself that love works and that you are a unique being, worthy of love.
Do this exercise at least once a day. Two or three times a day will bring quicker results. You will get positive results, but you may need to continue to use the force of love if you want the changes to become permanent. Start by doing it for two weeks. You will see the meaningful changes very soon.
Directing your thoughts in this way you can transform every situation in your life to those filled with peace and harmony.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
This is a post of RECOVERY, sg, and is an inspiration.
And your honesty about how the addicts fooled you into believing things that were not true: this is again a reminder that in relationship with any addict that we must not ISOLATE.
In my life, the times when I was most delusional, most irrational, and most decimated....I had been isolated by relationship with an addict (active as well as recovering addicts).
This is how we lose everything, including our very core, our essential life force.
I am thrilled by your story, too, of the Al-Anon meeting where one person's share, out of the blue, went right to the heart of you. And told you what you did not yet know.
Me too. Has happened to me.
Have a wonderful day.
And your honesty about how the addicts fooled you into believing things that were not true: this is again a reminder that in relationship with any addict that we must not ISOLATE.
In my life, the times when I was most delusional, most irrational, and most decimated....I had been isolated by relationship with an addict (active as well as recovering addicts).
This is how we lose everything, including our very core, our essential life force.
I am thrilled by your story, too, of the Al-Anon meeting where one person's share, out of the blue, went right to the heart of you. And told you what you did not yet know.
Me too. Has happened to me.
Have a wonderful day.
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