we are filing for divorce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
we are filing for divorce
Ah and I are divorcing. He is living (I think) at a halfway house/farm retreat- whatever. Tells me all along he loves me- misses me. Now this divorce is what he "needs" We decided on the phone- how sad- 7 years. I have been posting here for 5 years of our marriage- and some of you have followed our crazy rollarcoaster relationship-- I want to hate his guts- but I am so hurt- cannot imagine the rest of my life without him. How do you move on?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi ellima01-
you move on one day at a time. sometimes one hour at a time. it will take time. who knows what the future holds for you? who knows what the future holds for the two of you?
personally, i found it very necessary to separate financially from my ABF...i feel so much relief that i can once again manage my life in a way to make sure that i have electricity and food and the rents paid. a divorce will also accomplish this for you.
good luck!
naive
you move on one day at a time. sometimes one hour at a time. it will take time. who knows what the future holds for you? who knows what the future holds for the two of you?
personally, i found it very necessary to separate financially from my ABF...i feel so much relief that i can once again manage my life in a way to make sure that i have electricity and food and the rents paid. a divorce will also accomplish this for you.
good luck!
naive
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
Losing someone you love is very difficult. I am trying to visualize the end of my relationship as a very long case of the flu. Feels like you're going to die, at times you almost wish you would, but it does pass.
(((ellima))) you will get through this. Thinking of you today, and hoping you can find something to focus on that feeds your sense of hope and healing. You are worthy of love and peace.
(((ellima))) you will get through this. Thinking of you today, and hoping you can find something to focus on that feeds your sense of hope and healing. You are worthy of love and peace.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
You move on by relishing the idea of a life minus the rollercoaster.
I sat in the kiddo's band concert the other night, so very glad that this time I didn't have to deal with a drunk (or dry drunk) AH while there.
I sat in the kiddo's band concert the other night, so very glad that this time I didn't have to deal with a drunk (or dry drunk) AH while there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
My STXAH made that announcement to me on Friday. Up until then he was telling me he loved me and wanted to work things out. Then out of the blue he changes his mind. It did hurt - for some reason, but I don't know why. Maybe it felt like he was rejecting me, but he has rejected me for years. I just take it one day at a time and go to al-anon and keep a good support system. What gets me through is knowing that this won't last forever.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I move on:
- by realizing I am not The One Playing Chess. I am a little, humble pawn. God, in Her Great Intelligence, moved me towards a different square I intended to. I need to trust it was the best move for the game, I am part of a greater strategy. Perhaps moving to d5 would have provided an easy way for the opponent's knight to perform a Checkmate on my team!! For reasons I am too 3rd-dimensional to understand, moving to a different direction is important - it is VITAL! So there I go and try to make the most out of it while other pieces are moved... and more is revealed. I do my part. The game will keep changing...
- by zooming out and reflecting on the temporary nature of EVERYTHING in life... people, jobs, place of residence, health, possessions.... nothing is static in this life, nothing lasts forever... the sooner I get to grips with this the less I suffer. I do not even own my life or my body, it will wear out, my thoughts a moment ago do not exist anymore.. everything is new, everything is fresh.. if you live in the present moment.
- by a belief I have, that everyone that gets close to me is a soul that loves me and came to this Earth to teach me something. Ex AH taught me what love is - and that it starts with myself. Ex AH provided the catalyst I needed for change, it was as if he had prepared all his life just to offer me a specialized training on this.
One day, somewhere, somehow we will meet again and I will say "thank you. I missed you" and he will know how much I cared, still care and will always care about him, because he has been one of the most important people that ever touched my life.
- By spending a complete afternoon gathering pictures of George Clooney
PS Time and inner work will do it ellima, be patient with yourself.. it is a process.
- by realizing I am not The One Playing Chess. I am a little, humble pawn. God, in Her Great Intelligence, moved me towards a different square I intended to. I need to trust it was the best move for the game, I am part of a greater strategy. Perhaps moving to d5 would have provided an easy way for the opponent's knight to perform a Checkmate on my team!! For reasons I am too 3rd-dimensional to understand, moving to a different direction is important - it is VITAL! So there I go and try to make the most out of it while other pieces are moved... and more is revealed. I do my part. The game will keep changing...
- by zooming out and reflecting on the temporary nature of EVERYTHING in life... people, jobs, place of residence, health, possessions.... nothing is static in this life, nothing lasts forever... the sooner I get to grips with this the less I suffer. I do not even own my life or my body, it will wear out, my thoughts a moment ago do not exist anymore.. everything is new, everything is fresh.. if you live in the present moment.
- by a belief I have, that everyone that gets close to me is a soul that loves me and came to this Earth to teach me something. Ex AH taught me what love is - and that it starts with myself. Ex AH provided the catalyst I needed for change, it was as if he had prepared all his life just to offer me a specialized training on this.
One day, somewhere, somehow we will meet again and I will say "thank you. I missed you" and he will know how much I cared, still care and will always care about him, because he has been one of the most important people that ever touched my life.
- By spending a complete afternoon gathering pictures of George Clooney
PS Time and inner work will do it ellima, be patient with yourself.. it is a process.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Wrap yourself in cotton, ellima, and ask God to protect you as you walk through your terrible grief. This is a time in your life when you need other people to bear you up. Reach out to those who love you. Tell them you are suffering. Ask them to let you talk or cry as they sit with you. Ask them to be patient with you because your grieving may be a long time and you may need understanding and support for many months ahead. Tell them it is like a death.
I did this, after a 15 year relationship ended due to addiction. What I grieved most, actually, was the complete structure of my life collapsing.....for me, it wasn't even about my partner by then, but about the void I felt I was in because life as I had known it for 15 years just vanished. I was lost at sea. I cried night after night and through many sunrises. I sought help in therapy, in Al-Anon, but especially, from old friends who loved me and would sit with me on the phone, anytime, day or night, and let me express whatever I was feeling, would listen to me sob, and would not judge nor tell me how "lucky" I was to be rid of him. For I was bereft, and could only feel pain, and I needed the balm of acceptance.
My exabf tried to reunite many months later, but by then, all my tears had been cried, I had made myself a new home, and I had no wish to return to a life in which I never knew from one day to the next, or from morning to afternoon, or from one hour to another....who he would be. And whether I would be hurt again by his indifference and his alcoholic bitterness.
I am so sorry this is a necessary part of your life journey, ellima. You will know happiness again, and when it comes to you, it will mean more than it ever has before, because you walked through darkness to find it.
Take care. Be safe. You will be stronger and better.
I did this, after a 15 year relationship ended due to addiction. What I grieved most, actually, was the complete structure of my life collapsing.....for me, it wasn't even about my partner by then, but about the void I felt I was in because life as I had known it for 15 years just vanished. I was lost at sea. I cried night after night and through many sunrises. I sought help in therapy, in Al-Anon, but especially, from old friends who loved me and would sit with me on the phone, anytime, day or night, and let me express whatever I was feeling, would listen to me sob, and would not judge nor tell me how "lucky" I was to be rid of him. For I was bereft, and could only feel pain, and I needed the balm of acceptance.
My exabf tried to reunite many months later, but by then, all my tears had been cried, I had made myself a new home, and I had no wish to return to a life in which I never knew from one day to the next, or from morning to afternoon, or from one hour to another....who he would be. And whether I would be hurt again by his indifference and his alcoholic bitterness.
I am so sorry this is a necessary part of your life journey, ellima. You will know happiness again, and when it comes to you, it will mean more than it ever has before, because you walked through darkness to find it.
Take care. Be safe. You will be stronger and better.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Well, aren't we all in the same boat? Let's enjoy the big blue sea together, rough as it may at times be. Today I put on my Polly Anna rose colored disney glasses and decided that he wants a divorce because he wants to start using again, stop hurting me, and stop disappointing me. Well, that would be way too introspective and caring for him....but for today, it's what I choose to think. I am in a good place today, and so I might choose to think that tomorrow, and for every day after that. After all, I get to make my own reality, and so long as my belief doesn't hurt anyone else, it's all good!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Another thing ellima, as difficult as it is please try to open up and talk about what you feel, I tell you this because after the breakup I was either working or crying (or both at the same time) and if I had made an extra effort to tell someone I was miserable I may have not suffered as much. We love you and root for you. This is just a storm, another passing show. Please have faith and remember all the ones around you that want the best for you and would like to see you happy. Also, remember the good times before you came face to face with addiction, before all of this.. you will have joy and live good times once again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Through trials like this, we realize how strong we really are. You WILL survive. It may not seem like this right now......but like the others said, one day at a time.
If you are financially able, take a month or so off to grieve. When my XH left me, it took 1 month of just sitting on the couch, crying, praying, and just so afraid to budge off that couch! Now, 5 years later, I realize he did me a FAVOR....I would never had given up on my marriage. And life HAS gone on, even though I never though it would.
You are grieving the loss of a loved one, just the same as if a spouse had died. It takes TIME, so be gentle on yourself, and go at your own rate of speed.
If you are financially able, take a month or so off to grieve. When my XH left me, it took 1 month of just sitting on the couch, crying, praying, and just so afraid to budge off that couch! Now, 5 years later, I realize he did me a FAVOR....I would never had given up on my marriage. And life HAS gone on, even though I never though it would.
You are grieving the loss of a loved one, just the same as if a spouse had died. It takes TIME, so be gentle on yourself, and go at your own rate of speed.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
I have a friend who lost her beloved husband. As I was trying to comfort her I found her comforting me for my husband's decision to divorce. She said, "My husband didn't have a choice, I didn't have a choice, the cancer just took him. I feel worse for you because you didn't have a choice and his choice left you with all sorts of rejection, sorrow, grief....I can't imagine dealing with rejection and grief at the same time." So, like everyone said, be gentle with yourself, take time, it will get better.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
