Why do I keep double-guessing myself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: edmonton, alberta
Posts: 88
Why do I keep double-guessing myself?
Happy friday everybody!
Why do I keep double-guessing myself? Why can't I just accept the fact that I have a problem with alcohol? Sometimes when I sit in an AA meeting, I feel kinda like a fraud. I don't have the "colorful" story to share. The farther I get away from my last bender, the more I question. Is this just the alcoholic mind at work? I feel like there is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the next. I hate that alcohol is everywhere I look around - an indication of "the good life" and glamorized on every billboard and advertisement. I can't help but feel like I am missing out. My husband still enjoys a cold beer on a hot day and I can't help but feel envious. I don't want to feel envy everytime I see someone taking a drink. When does it end? I haven't lost my family or home over my drinking. For the most part, I have controlled it. I just hate this constant dialogue in my brain.
Why do I keep double-guessing myself? Why can't I just accept the fact that I have a problem with alcohol? Sometimes when I sit in an AA meeting, I feel kinda like a fraud. I don't have the "colorful" story to share. The farther I get away from my last bender, the more I question. Is this just the alcoholic mind at work? I feel like there is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the next. I hate that alcohol is everywhere I look around - an indication of "the good life" and glamorized on every billboard and advertisement. I can't help but feel like I am missing out. My husband still enjoys a cold beer on a hot day and I can't help but feel envious. I don't want to feel envy everytime I see someone taking a drink. When does it end? I haven't lost my family or home over my drinking. For the most part, I have controlled it. I just hate this constant dialogue in my brain.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
It sounds like you are waivering in your decision to stop drinking. Acer, it's really hard to deal with early sobriety, so please know that you're not alone in your confusion and sadness.
I had to get to the point where drinking was no longer an option, therefore not a consideration. Only then, did my addict mind begin to quiet. You're right, drinking is glamorized on TV and in books. But, for me, drinking is a road to hell. I know that.
I had to get to the point where drinking was no longer an option, therefore not a consideration. Only then, did my addict mind begin to quiet. You're right, drinking is glamorized on TV and in books. But, for me, drinking is a road to hell. I know that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: edmonton, alberta
Posts: 88
Hi Horselover,
Here is an excerpt from my intro last month:
I am a 41 yo mother of 3, married 18 years. A drinker since age 15. My dad was an AA member for over 30 years. It runs in the family.
I tried to face this 2 years ago but managed to convince myself, again, that alcohol is not a problem for me. I do not drink everyday and do not get loaded everytime I drink. However, quite frequently, (and more and more lately) I find myself going off the deep end and not being able to stop once I start. It is a release for me and, as I don't do it all the time, always convince myself that I am not an alcoholic. My drinks are not normal, fluffy drinks - they are stiff as hell. I find myself drinking quite frequently to feel more comfortable in social settings or when company is visiting. I have a real hard time with "small talk" and fitting in.
In addition to the above I have used ativan to ease my anxiety in certain situations and have knowingly mixed this with booze. A few times this past year, I have had to quiz my daughters' after a night of drinking as to what I did/said. I don't think I am being a positive role model when I am drinking - even if it is to unwind on a friday night (which is how we spend most friday nights - pleasantly pissed)
That about sums it up in a nutshell. I am now 39 days sober, have a temporary sponsor and try to attend at least one meeting a week. I read and post on SR as much as possible.
Here is an excerpt from my intro last month:
I am a 41 yo mother of 3, married 18 years. A drinker since age 15. My dad was an AA member for over 30 years. It runs in the family.
I tried to face this 2 years ago but managed to convince myself, again, that alcohol is not a problem for me. I do not drink everyday and do not get loaded everytime I drink. However, quite frequently, (and more and more lately) I find myself going off the deep end and not being able to stop once I start. It is a release for me and, as I don't do it all the time, always convince myself that I am not an alcoholic. My drinks are not normal, fluffy drinks - they are stiff as hell. I find myself drinking quite frequently to feel more comfortable in social settings or when company is visiting. I have a real hard time with "small talk" and fitting in.
In addition to the above I have used ativan to ease my anxiety in certain situations and have knowingly mixed this with booze. A few times this past year, I have had to quiz my daughters' after a night of drinking as to what I did/said. I don't think I am being a positive role model when I am drinking - even if it is to unwind on a friday night (which is how we spend most friday nights - pleasantly pissed)
That about sums it up in a nutshell. I am now 39 days sober, have a temporary sponsor and try to attend at least one meeting a week. I read and post on SR as much as possible.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Thanks Moe. I don't think alcohol is fitting neatly in with your life, but only you can make that decision. In my opinion we do try to find the differences between us and "them" when we are not ready to quit. I did it myself over 10 years ago. Over 10 years ago I was not ready to quit. I also had not lost my family, gotten a DWI, gotten arrested . . . Fast forward 10 years later and I still haven't lost anything like that, but I do see similarities. I had huge anxiety while drinking. I had fights/arguments with my husband and couldn't remember what they were about. I was starting to base my whole life around 5 pm and do I have enough in the house for tonight.
I do hope you find your answer Moe and you are definitely not alone with the questioning. It took me a long time to realize alcohol was doing me no favors in life and sooner or later it would kill me. I have a 6 year old son and I want to see him grow up. I want to be a good role model.
As far as tv and mags they will glamourize it because they are out to sell the stuff. We notice it as the lie it is. Non-alcoholics don't probably pay attention to the stuff. When I first quit I saw it everywhere! It was on tv and so I would pick up a book. It was in the book I was reading. I was like this must be a cruel joke or something, but our minds lead where our attention is. My attention was what was missing and now I have to say it is on what I have gained through not drinking. I feel better. I have NO anxiety. I am more confident and less ashamed. I have more energy when feeling well. I am a better mom and a better wife.
PM me anytime. We are here for you. Hugs - Sarah
I do hope you find your answer Moe and you are definitely not alone with the questioning. It took me a long time to realize alcohol was doing me no favors in life and sooner or later it would kill me. I have a 6 year old son and I want to see him grow up. I want to be a good role model.
As far as tv and mags they will glamourize it because they are out to sell the stuff. We notice it as the lie it is. Non-alcoholics don't probably pay attention to the stuff. When I first quit I saw it everywhere! It was on tv and so I would pick up a book. It was in the book I was reading. I was like this must be a cruel joke or something, but our minds lead where our attention is. My attention was what was missing and now I have to say it is on what I have gained through not drinking. I feel better. I have NO anxiety. I am more confident and less ashamed. I have more energy when feeling well. I am a better mom and a better wife.
PM me anytime. We are here for you. Hugs - Sarah
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
THanks for saying my answer for me Sarah! LOL!
Truly, Moe, we have a lot in common - I am a 42 year old mom of 3, with pending adoption of number 4, my neice, who has essentially been orphaned by alcohol - my brother is the active drinker, and my SIL is the enabler who can't look past her own problems to care for her kids. So when I look at my beautiful neice, my only daughter (to be), not only do I see her as the wonderful, amazing, resilient kid she is, but I see my brother as a boy, as a young man who drank to overcome shyness and have a good time, who realized somewhere a long the way that he was losing himself to drink, but brushed it off...and now...well...now, he's lost everything - family, home, car, job, health, money...about all he is hanging onto is his physical "life"....and there ain't much to that but a beating heart and breathing lungs. His mind is gone, along with everything else.
I never hit a huge bottom like that... I didn't hit any of the big "yets"... no DUI, no loss of family, job, etc. but what I was losing when I quit was my self respect, my dignity as a wife, mother, woman, role model, and I was losing my grip on what really matters in life. I found myself jealous, in the first few months, of those who could drink "normally" - now I find no attraction in it whatsoever. It'll take awhile, but you will get there, and trust me, life will be soooo much more beautiful sober. There is a piece of the puzzle that will always be missing as long as you are drinking...call it peace, serenity, contentment, knowing you are being the best you can be....whatever....it's kinda hard to describe, but I promise, you will know it when you feel it.
Stick with it! It's worth it! You can do this!
Jomey
Truly, Moe, we have a lot in common - I am a 42 year old mom of 3, with pending adoption of number 4, my neice, who has essentially been orphaned by alcohol - my brother is the active drinker, and my SIL is the enabler who can't look past her own problems to care for her kids. So when I look at my beautiful neice, my only daughter (to be), not only do I see her as the wonderful, amazing, resilient kid she is, but I see my brother as a boy, as a young man who drank to overcome shyness and have a good time, who realized somewhere a long the way that he was losing himself to drink, but brushed it off...and now...well...now, he's lost everything - family, home, car, job, health, money...about all he is hanging onto is his physical "life"....and there ain't much to that but a beating heart and breathing lungs. His mind is gone, along with everything else.
I never hit a huge bottom like that... I didn't hit any of the big "yets"... no DUI, no loss of family, job, etc. but what I was losing when I quit was my self respect, my dignity as a wife, mother, woman, role model, and I was losing my grip on what really matters in life. I found myself jealous, in the first few months, of those who could drink "normally" - now I find no attraction in it whatsoever. It'll take awhile, but you will get there, and trust me, life will be soooo much more beautiful sober. There is a piece of the puzzle that will always be missing as long as you are drinking...call it peace, serenity, contentment, knowing you are being the best you can be....whatever....it's kinda hard to describe, but I promise, you will know it when you feel it.
Stick with it! It's worth it! You can do this!
Jomey
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
I didn't lose my home. Still very happily married. No dui's. Great family.
But, I almost did lose my mind.
I lost a lot of time with my kids I can't have back.
I lost respect for myself.
The longer you drink, the more you give up.
But, I almost did lose my mind.
I lost a lot of time with my kids I can't have back.
I lost respect for myself.
The longer you drink, the more you give up.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I knew I was an alcoholic when I decided to quit.
Depression is why I began AA
and still I often returned to alcohol.
Then I read "Under The Influence" by Milam & Ketcham
Re co connected to God and AA....I've not had another drink.
Here are excerpts ...but please order the book.
It also has a sequel...."Beyond The Influence"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
AA is not the only way to quit and stay quit.
It really is effective for admitted alcoholics....
who are willing to work the AA Steps.
Well done on your early sobriety.....
Depression is why I began AA
and still I often returned to alcohol.
Then I read "Under The Influence" by Milam & Ketcham
Re co connected to God and AA....I've not had another drink.
Here are excerpts ...but please order the book.
It also has a sequel...."Beyond The Influence"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
AA is not the only way to quit and stay quit.
It really is effective for admitted alcoholics....
who are willing to work the AA Steps.
Well done on your early sobriety.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
I find that the first post that we submit on here is usually a good reminder of why we need to stay sober, especially when we go through that "I think Im ok to drink" stage.
We all have a story to tell. Take care & all of the best
NB
P.S. Here is your first post here on SR \/
We all have a story to tell. Take care & all of the best
NB
P.S. Here is your first post here on SR \/
Originally Posted by acer67 
Hi all,
Well here I am - registered up and ready to try to embark on life as a sober individual. It is time to look in the mirror and admit that I have a problem.
I am a 41 yo mother of 3, married 18 years. A drinker since age 15. My dad was an AA member for over 30 years. It runs in the family.
I tried to face this 2 years ago but managed to convince myself, again, that alcohol is not a problem for me. I do not drink everyday and do not get loaded everytime I drink. However, quite frequently, (and more and more lately) I find myself going off the deep end and not being able to stop once I start. It is a release for me and, as I don't do it all the time, always convince myself that I am not an alcoholic. My drinks are not normal, fluffy drinks - they are stiff as hell. I find myself drinking quite frequently to feel more comfortable in social settings or when company is visiting. I have a real hard time with "small talk" and fitting in.
It is the guilt and shame that I feel after I tie one on that is terrible for me. I can beat myself up for a long time. I pulled a real boner this weekend and got totally smashed while entertaining my brother-in-law and his family. And, as I have this damn problem of feeling unable to "fit in" I have a prescription for Ativan which I stupidly mixed with booze. I really don't remember much of the end of the night and found myself trying to "piece" together anything dumb I might have done by quizzing my 13 yo daughter. It is so humiliating. I know I am disappointing my kids when I drink too much and I don't think my husband was too impressed either. It was hard to tell if he was mad at me yesterday or just hungover himself. He didn't mince too many words with me anyway.
So, here I sit, feeling totally crappy about myself. I tried a few AA meetings a couple years ago but just felt awkward
Well here I am - registered up and ready to try to embark on life as a sober individual. It is time to look in the mirror and admit that I have a problem.
I am a 41 yo mother of 3, married 18 years. A drinker since age 15. My dad was an AA member for over 30 years. It runs in the family.
I tried to face this 2 years ago but managed to convince myself, again, that alcohol is not a problem for me. I do not drink everyday and do not get loaded everytime I drink. However, quite frequently, (and more and more lately) I find myself going off the deep end and not being able to stop once I start. It is a release for me and, as I don't do it all the time, always convince myself that I am not an alcoholic. My drinks are not normal, fluffy drinks - they are stiff as hell. I find myself drinking quite frequently to feel more comfortable in social settings or when company is visiting. I have a real hard time with "small talk" and fitting in.
It is the guilt and shame that I feel after I tie one on that is terrible for me. I can beat myself up for a long time. I pulled a real boner this weekend and got totally smashed while entertaining my brother-in-law and his family. And, as I have this damn problem of feeling unable to "fit in" I have a prescription for Ativan which I stupidly mixed with booze. I really don't remember much of the end of the night and found myself trying to "piece" together anything dumb I might have done by quizzing my 13 yo daughter. It is so humiliating. I know I am disappointing my kids when I drink too much and I don't think my husband was too impressed either. It was hard to tell if he was mad at me yesterday or just hungover himself. He didn't mince too many words with me anyway.
So, here I sit, feeling totally crappy about myself. I tried a few AA meetings a couple years ago but just felt awkward
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 124
My drinking pattern had some similarities with yours, and I asked myself some of the same questions. One thing that helped me a lot was a talk I heard by a social worker. The talk addressed the difficulty many people have (myself included) identifying themselves as alcoholics. The speaker felt that demanding everybody to identify as an alcoholic was unfair and inaccurate. What this guy did was break down drinkers into these categories (I might be slightly off here but this was the general gist): social drinking, misuse of alcohol, problem drinking, alcoholism.
From what he had to say, I identified myself as frequently (several times a week) misusing alcohol and moving into problem drinking (2 or 3 times a month). When I missed work due to a hangover (a new job which I had gone to school 2 years to qualify for), that was enough for me to decide (81 days ago) to give up drinking. I knew that my drinking would continue more or less where it was at and that was unacceptable to me.
From what he had to say, I identified myself as frequently (several times a week) misusing alcohol and moving into problem drinking (2 or 3 times a month). When I missed work due to a hangover (a new job which I had gone to school 2 years to qualify for), that was enough for me to decide (81 days ago) to give up drinking. I knew that my drinking would continue more or less where it was at and that was unacceptable to me.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Is this just the alcoholic mind at work?
With you being newer in Recovery, your disease is really trying to grab you hard and pull you back. Don't think about not drinking for the rest of your life, just get through One Day at A Time. Each day that you don't drink, you take a little bit of power away from your disease.
God Bless,
Judy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I didn't notice I had lost anything, wasn't hiding it, wasn't drinking in the morning, no job problems, no driving while buzzed.
Now that I have quit I am having to deal with the painful fact that my 21 year old daughter is in "full party mode". While I am living for the day and trying not to dwell on regrets from the past, it is hard to watch. I believe she has some troubles caused by or made worse because of her use.
I live my life now as an example that sobriety is an option, and in my opinion the younger your children are when you stop the better for them and for you.
Now that I have quit I am having to deal with the painful fact that my 21 year old daughter is in "full party mode". While I am living for the day and trying not to dwell on regrets from the past, it is hard to watch. I believe she has some troubles caused by or made worse because of her use.
I live my life now as an example that sobriety is an option, and in my opinion the younger your children are when you stop the better for them and for you.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,889
Just the fact that you are thinking you have a problem with alcohol is an indicator something is amiss. Maybe this is a good time to look closely to your relationship with alcohol and make a clear assessment..."do I need to make changes in my life". I hope your answer is affirmative.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I'm not sure if it's about second guessing as much as it might be about wanting to be able to drink. You must know what brought you to the place of needing to stop drinking.
I too did not have a "colourful" story to share, certainly not compared to the majority I have heard in the rooms, but what I do know is that I loved everything about drinking and I never wanted the party to end once I got started. Most of the time the party was with me, myself and I. Maybe it wasn't so much what my drinking got me doing, but what my drinking prevented me from doing.
Next time you see the billboard or the advertisement where everyone is smiling, remind yourself that there is a reason they don't have the other billboard showing the "morning after the night before" No one is smiling on that one.
I too did not have a "colourful" story to share, certainly not compared to the majority I have heard in the rooms, but what I do know is that I loved everything about drinking and I never wanted the party to end once I got started. Most of the time the party was with me, myself and I. Maybe it wasn't so much what my drinking got me doing, but what my drinking prevented me from doing.
Next time you see the billboard or the advertisement where everyone is smiling, remind yourself that there is a reason they don't have the other billboard showing the "morning after the night before" No one is smiling on that one.
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