josiemay1982

Or maybe not considered recovering yet? I'm new here, and need some advice from people other than my friends who love me too much to get past the potential hurt in this situation.

So I met this guy and dated him for about a month. We had this amazing connection, like the kind that really doesn't come around that often. He suspiciously didn't drink for "health reasons," but I never thought much of it. At the time he had been sober for about 6 months. He could still play his music in bars (like the one we met at), forego the beer for water, and be around alcohol seemingly without an issue. Being in our mid-20's, drinking is still a pretty big part of our social scene...but he always handled it fine. After a month he was going on vacation, and had told me that he was going to indulge a little while away. We talked via phone everyday for the whole week he was away, only one conversation he seemed a little out of control but again, nothing that worried me. Then he came home, and continued to drink. His first night back he drank until he forgot his plans with me and passed out at a friends house. The next day I got a call apologizing profusely, admitting that he has a problem he's been working on, and that he feel horrible for what he did and didn't want to drag me through his issues. We parted ways, and I tried to get past it but continued to miss him.

Fast forward one month, we bump into each other at the bar we met at. He tells me he's been playing more music, seeing his drug counselor again (who i was unaware of previously), eliminating friends who are a bad influence, and applying to grad school. He hadn't had a drink since the night he ditched me. Now we're hanging out, the connection is still there, and he's told me everything. He's been honest about his problem, and the fact that it is still new and a struggle for him. He said it's up to me if I want to keep seeing him, but he understands if it's too much to take on.

Bottom line, I want him to get better. I feel like I am willing to be a friend for now and see where the future takes us. I know I should run, but something isn't letting me. It sounds lame, but in all the dating I've done (LOTS), this type of connection I feel rarely comes around.

Any advice would be very much appreciated, and I thank all of you reading for listening to my ramblings :-)

atalose

Sorry, all I can see are all the red flags waving in the direction of potential hurt.

Freedom1990

Two books I recommend reading: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

Also, fasten your seatbelt, the ride is going to get a lot bumpier since you've made up your mind.

LaTeeDa

First of all, welcome to the forum! Lots and lots of wisdom to be found here.

Secondly, I would say you are right when you say he may not be considered recovering. I wouldn't consider him recovering and would be very wary of his words. Actions are much more telling.

Also, at the risk of sounding cynical, these two quotes are big red flags for me:

I felt the same kind of connection when I met my husband over twenty years ago. I thought it was love, like the kind that happens in fairy tales or movies. Having been through many years of alcoholic marriage hell, including much emotional damage inflicted on two innocent children, and countless nights crying myself to sleep, leading to divorce and over a year of seeing a therapist, that kind of 'connection' would scare the hell out of me.

What I've learned about myself is that I was attracted to a certain personality type because of my own emotional issues, which started in my childhood and developed over the course of my life. Alcoholics and codependents are drawn to each other like opposite magnetic charges. Often it feels like the one and only person on earth who really understands you.

I had a yearning for that kind of fairytale romance because I believed that my life could never be complete without a 'soulmate.' And I thought I had found that person, the one who could fill the empty spot in me.

It took me until my mid-forties to learn that no one can fill the empty spot. I have to fill it myself. Love is not a feeling, it's an action. Or, really, more a series of ongoing actions. It's not about how great we know it could be. It's about what really is.

L

tallulah

.....the 'amazing connection' thing is what leapt out at me....

My therapist asked me what attracted me to my ex.. I said that he seemed very together, and it really felt like we were on the same page, ready to settle down, we seemed to have a connection like I'd never felt before..

Now all of that was true.. for me. Him, well that was a different matter. It was all part of the smoke and mirrors to hook me in. Now saying that, he may very well have wanted all of the above.. but he knew damned well he was incapable of giving it.

If you want to have a relationship with this guy.. there is nothing anyone can do to stop you. But do it with your eyes wide open and some education about what you are facing before you do.

:ghug

josiemay1982

Thank you all, I appreciate your honesty. I know there are red flags too, which is why I came here. If I didn't see them I'd be diving headfirst without looking back.

I do trust my friends and family, and know they are looking out for me. They are all very smart people who love me very much, and I'm blessed to have them. I don't want anyone to think that i don't appreciate my friends' advice and support, they are my lifeline. I'm just trying to get opinions from all different resources, particularly people who have been in similar situations.

Also I guess a little background on me...although my post may not sound it, I've always been a very independent person. I have a career, a great social life, lots of hobbies, and amazing friends and family. I've never felt like I needed a man to complete me, my family has always pushed me to be truly happy with myself first and foremost. And I was, until my past relationship. I was in another relationship where my boyfriend always put things ahead of me, and I think it did a lot of damage. Now this other guy has entered, and I'm starting to feel like I just attract people with baggage.

All the more reason for me to run I suppose...

Thanks again guys :-)

tallulah

Yeah.. I was very independent.. career, nice home, car, money in the bank, friends, self confidence.. kissed a few frogs but no major damage done...

That was coming up to three years ago.. Now?

I am out of that relationship a shadow of that person.. still got the car by the skin of my teeth and hoping not to lose it... and I'm sure when I can sew together the shreds of my confidence enough to fake it back into my career that will be ok too.. but the rest... gone.

Take care of you :ghug

Still Waters

You know josie - if it was meant to be - then it'll be meant to be later down the road after he becomes healthy also.

If that's what he does.

Saying no to him now doesn't mean forever.

LaTeeDa

Same here. Intellectually strong, financially independent, all my 'outsides' were in fine shape.

I have a suspicion that these may be the very traits that attract needy (addicted) people to us in the first place. Also, the same traits that convince us we can help them, save them, fix them.

Life's too short to spend with a partner who is a 'fixer-upper.'

L

josiemay1982

I agree with if it's meant to be it will happen in time, and that right now it isn't right. I don't want to damage to him, and I don't need any more damage done to me. I only recently have begun feeling like my old self after my last breakup with a neglectful boyfriend.

So do I cut off all ties? Stay in touch? Offer to be a friend? I know he has so much work to do, and it breaks my heart to see that he wants gain control of his life, but struggles.

But I do need to look out for number 1, and that's what I intend to do :-)

Freedom1990

There are plenty of resources out there and other people in recovery to help him should he make that choice. His help is better left to people who have been where he is and grown in their recovery.

I think several of us have figured out these guys must read the same book. I had that 'special connection' with my EXAH too. Oh, and he was very 'honest' and upfront about everything, including his 2 stays in the penitentiary. I felt so special that he would share those things with me, trust me enough to confide! *gag*

It was all part of the bait he threw out and I bit.

I sincerely hope you can cut all ties with this fellow for now because this disease will suck us codies in very subtly.

:ghug :ghug

gerryP

Maybe then all that is left for you to do is be responsible for this guy quitting alcohol, going to grad school and the two of living a wonderful life together with stories of behind every successful man, there is a woman.

I have been sober almost 4 years and I'm still working on me as a person. Personally...I would never date a heavy drinker, certainly not an alcoholic nor a man who was only 6 months sober...well, kind of, sort of, sometimes, maybe sober. Not because I would be tempted to drink again, but because they can't be real while actively drinking and a few months off here and there isn't sober.

Keep looking

GiveLove

I think the danger in remaining friends might be your heart-feeling that this is a once-in-a-lifetime relationship, or at least a rare one. It might interfere with your ability to be impartial, and with your ability to protect yourself (after all, if it's so rare...)

But only you can say for sure. It sounds like you could use a little more time to really get strong again from your last relationship

One other thing, at the risk of sounding like a loose woman With my XABF, I stayed so long because I was convinced that our connection was so rare, I would never find it again.

Within three years of our breakup, I had married a man with whom I had a connection five times stronger and healthier. And since marrying him, I have met other people, men and women, with whom I felt a strong connection because of common values, interests, strengths, and passions.

I'm coming to believe that that sort of connection isn't that rare. We just have to do a better job of adjusting our antenna, and we pick up all kinds of terrific people on our radar.

Take care of yourself -- sending hugs, strength, and peace of mind that you're doing the right thing for yourself

brokenrockstar

for the FIRST time in my life, I followed my heart with me ABF. You know where this same amazing connection got me... 7 months pregnant and one big mess. I now, at 32, have to pick up pieces and reconnect with myself and with God all while raising a child. I'm holding my breath.

YOu deserve better than this guy... trust me... there is another sober connection out there for you. Please don't settle.

TakingCharge999

Thanks EVERYONE for this thread.

Josie, I am 27 and around this time last year I was moving in with your same guy in a different body. I was so in love, it was also that superspecial connection you describe and I was the happiest person alive. I too have a good job, love being alone doing my own thing, lots of people that care about me, friends, interests etc etc. We also drank socially. Well, for me it was socially.

Once we were drinking at a beach and he verbally abused me. Then cried all night saying I did not deserve it, he was sorry, wouldn't happen again. A few weeks later he was insulting and hurting me while drunk - again. Then the apologies, and of course I fell. There was a third time, he was drunk too. By then I was in shreds and did not understand anything, never had I treated with an addicted person, none of my family or friends are.

I started going to therapy and went to talk with the guy. He was drunk a Tuesday at 5 PM. I had arrived very angry but seeing him that way just made me sad. I left and went to live with a friend. We work together and I moved to a new city for him. It was really sad because I saw him, and still see him everyday and I found all of the "common friends" were really HIS friends, not mine.

One week later he was already with a new girlfriend. She drinks even more than him. So as long as he has sex and someone who puts up/encourages alcohol, he is happy.

I was very hurt but 6 months after the breakup, of taking antidepressants, crying a river, sad, angry, resentful, hurt and almost going mad wondering where my nice guy went, I can tell you this: RUN!!

It is just not worth it. Why settle with someone who already shows problems, when there are many healthy people out there that have never had problems with drinks or drugs or anything?

I thought those people were boring until my life was so painful the only thing I wanted was stability and a boring life. I hope you save yourself this trouble!! I know its totally alluring, but trust your gut feeling. Save yourself much pain.

bluejay6

Wow, such great advice above.

A guy who says he's going to stop drinking... working in a bar? Oh man. I don't care what kind of music he plays.....his sobriety is obviously not the main focus of his life. And that means that your history with him thus far is going to repeat itself EXACTLY the same way it has happened. Over and over.

I have been thinking a lot about all of our "ecstatic connections" with our addicts. And yes, I do believe much is related back to an alcoholic parent oftentimes and that subconscious familiarity of love and need.

But I am starting to think also that because the addict has such poor boundaries and we have such poor boundaries that in some metaphysical way we simply merge right into the other. And we think in our joy that we are one.

The real test of whether the relationship is real and mature is if you set a boundary with your man. A really important, non-negotiable, based-on-your-core-beliefs boundary. And see what happens.

If he violates it, you're done for. You will never have what you need in love, from this man.

josiemay1982

I can't thank you all enough...and I hate to hear all of the situations that you have been through...and the pain...but all of your advice has helped sooo much, as I'm sure it's helped other people in this forum.

I didn't grow up around alcoholism, so I am obviously very naive to all of this.

I do see a connection between the behavior of my ex (who I had convinced myself was my forever and ever), and the problems that I could be signing up for in this relationship. And I do think I need some more healing time.

Also agree that if this guy was serious about recovery music and performing in bars would go on the back burner.

I just wish I knew why God keeps throwing me these curve balls! But that's life I suppose, wouldn't be very exciting if it was always easy.

ARealLady

Same here. Intellectually strong, financially independent, all my 'outsides' were in fine shape

Here's another!

I have a suspicion that these may be the very traits that attract needy (addicted) people to us in the first place. Also, the same traits that convince us we can help them, save them, fix them.


OP, I felt that "instant connection" too with XABF. And I learned to run from it when things began moving too fast with a new guy I met earlier this year. As it turned out, the new guy was also an A.

ARL

ARealLady

it breaks my heart to see that he wants gain control of his life, but struggles.

Josie...it isn't as if you have known this man for years; it isn't as if he is your parent; it isn't as if he is your child.

Whoa! You've known him a matter of weeks from what I understand. How can you let somebody who you barely know "break your heart"? Hold the drama!!

That is how the addict wants others to feel about him/her and that's how some of us got sucked into helping them in their "struggles". The A's life turns around once he/she embraces sobriety, begins working a programme and faces life head on. The 12 Steps don't even mention the word struggle but Step 1 implies a struggle if the A can't see that he/she is powerless over alcohol. Unfortunately the A has to get to Step 1 on his/her own.



ARL

TakingCharge999

Thanks josie, if we can share our experiences then perhaps all that madness had a purpose. Dating again I am realizing I need wayyy more healing time too. I am glad we are not alone walking on this path!