I need advice.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pikeville, NC
Posts: 1
I need advice.....
Hello. I am a 29-year-old wife, mother in NC. I have a 15-month old son.
My husband and I have been together for seven years. I discovered he was doing cocaine when we were dating. He realized how upset it made me and said he was going to quit. It wasn't until after we were married that I realized he had continued doing it throughout the whole time we were together. Every time I would catch him it was the same old story....
"I'm sorry. I love you. I never knew it could mean losing you and it will never happen again." I would always tell him the next time I was going to leave and the next time would roll around and I never would. We would just go through the same old song and dance.
We had our first child 15 months ago......my heart and soul. Things got a lot better right after he was born but then when he was about eight weeks it went back to the same old routine.....staying out on weekends to two or three in the morning...coming home drunk, high, and whatever else.
Well, I caught him doing it again a week ago. I had just had a discussion with him a few days before that about catching him. He says he is only doing it occassionally, like two or three days a week. He says it is not interferring with his work and that I should just be okay with it because he is not addicted.
I was never able to leave before because I didn't really make enough financially to support myself and our child but that is different now. So, my dilemma is this.....
Do I do an interventioin the next time (because I'm pretty sure there will be a next time) and give him the option of getting help or leaving....or do I simply pack his bags and tell him to leave until he makes up his mind? I don't want to subject myself or my child to this any more. I am tired and fed up. He's not the person I married when he is on this stuff and I feel that I deserve better and want better for my life but I want to know that I did all I could to help him too. What do I do?????
squirt
My husband and I have been together for seven years. I discovered he was doing cocaine when we were dating. He realized how upset it made me and said he was going to quit. It wasn't until after we were married that I realized he had continued doing it throughout the whole time we were together. Every time I would catch him it was the same old story....
"I'm sorry. I love you. I never knew it could mean losing you and it will never happen again." I would always tell him the next time I was going to leave and the next time would roll around and I never would. We would just go through the same old song and dance.
We had our first child 15 months ago......my heart and soul. Things got a lot better right after he was born but then when he was about eight weeks it went back to the same old routine.....staying out on weekends to two or three in the morning...coming home drunk, high, and whatever else.
Well, I caught him doing it again a week ago. I had just had a discussion with him a few days before that about catching him. He says he is only doing it occassionally, like two or three days a week. He says it is not interferring with his work and that I should just be okay with it because he is not addicted.
I was never able to leave before because I didn't really make enough financially to support myself and our child but that is different now. So, my dilemma is this.....
Do I do an interventioin the next time (because I'm pretty sure there will be a next time) and give him the option of getting help or leaving....or do I simply pack his bags and tell him to leave until he makes up his mind? I don't want to subject myself or my child to this any more. I am tired and fed up. He's not the person I married when he is on this stuff and I feel that I deserve better and want better for my life but I want to know that I did all I could to help him too. What do I do?????
squirt
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
All i can say is that whatever you say you'll do if he uses you be very sure you can back up. for years you've said its over if you use and he sneaks around and then makes promises when caught - so far he hasnt had any consequence for his actions so he's not taking you seriously.
I agree with Anvil anyone using that much is an addict.
I agree with Anvil anyone using that much is an addict.
Optimist
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Hi Squirt,
I'm not in a postion right now to offer any words of wisdom, but I can say I understand how you feel. If you read some of the recent past posts, you'll find that there are, right now, quite a number of Moms of young children going through struggles similar to yours (I have a 4 & 6 year old and a husband addicted to heroin.) What has helped me a great deal emotionally is finding out that "normal" people - people with jobs, homes, friends, families - have drug problems. My experience with drug addiction had been movies and after-school specials, so I had this vision in my head of a "heroin addict" as a toothless, muttering, dirty guy living in a box in LA, not a clean, good-looking, hardworking loving Dad in upstate NY, so I felt like some kind of freakish anomoly when I first found out about my husband's addiction.
Lots of people here have a lot of different experience here at SR, and have been very generous with sharing their stories. Keep in mind that the advice and information people share here is given with all the best intentions - everyone is trying to help you in whatever way they feel most able.
Welcome, I'm glad you've found us here.
~Daisy
I'm not in a postion right now to offer any words of wisdom, but I can say I understand how you feel. If you read some of the recent past posts, you'll find that there are, right now, quite a number of Moms of young children going through struggles similar to yours (I have a 4 & 6 year old and a husband addicted to heroin.) What has helped me a great deal emotionally is finding out that "normal" people - people with jobs, homes, friends, families - have drug problems. My experience with drug addiction had been movies and after-school specials, so I had this vision in my head of a "heroin addict" as a toothless, muttering, dirty guy living in a box in LA, not a clean, good-looking, hardworking loving Dad in upstate NY, so I felt like some kind of freakish anomoly when I first found out about my husband's addiction.
Lots of people here have a lot of different experience here at SR, and have been very generous with sharing their stories. Keep in mind that the advice and information people share here is given with all the best intentions - everyone is trying to help you in whatever way they feel most able.
Welcome, I'm glad you've found us here.
~Daisy
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: london
Posts: 30
Hello . I am new here too, so not wise but what I hear you say is that you are unhappy with the way yr life is with his habit. He sounds quite happy though... he can lie to you, talk sweetly then carry on.
Just be careful how long you allow this to continue for you. Things can get truely insane and more difficult than you just not liking HIM on the drug....your own mental health will start to decline ( more so when you are protecting yr child from it)- you will be taking the strain.. You probably are already doing the most you can to help him, and he isn't changing.
keep talking.
You are on the right track if you've found this sight. It is incredible, and honest, even when difficult to hear the truth.
Just be careful how long you allow this to continue for you. Things can get truely insane and more difficult than you just not liking HIM on the drug....your own mental health will start to decline ( more so when you are protecting yr child from it)- you will be taking the strain.. You probably are already doing the most you can to help him, and he isn't changing.
keep talking.
You are on the right track if you've found this sight. It is incredible, and honest, even when difficult to hear the truth.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Your child is 15 months old. Maybe not quite old enough to understand. The older your child gets as this merry-go-round continues, the worse it will be for both of you. I agree and have had to go through what you are experiencing. Stop the insanity now because it only gets worse. Make what ever arrangements you have to and stick to it. You and your child need and deserve a sane, stable life. Living with an addict will suck you dry emotionally, physically, psychologically and financially. Good luck with your decision.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
From my experience, and this is just me, asking an addict to leave and then expecting them to have the AHA moment, wake up and get help for their problem ends up blowing up in your face.
I did the exact same thing. I asked my ex to leave because I thought he would wake up and get help. Realize what he had done to his family. Instead I got the opposite reaction. He told me that we just couldnt get along and there was to much of an age difference and blah blah blah.
A month later he did go to treatment and a few months after that he relapsed. He felt he was "forced" into to treatment because I kicked him out and he family then saw that his pill popping really was a problem. So then came the anger and resentment. Aimed right at me of course.
For a long time I blamed myself. For a long time I really believed it was me or something that I did or did not do right. Those type of thoughts kept me "stuck" for a long time.
The worst was yet to come. You see I kept thinking that if I did this ________ I would get a certain reaction. Or if I said this ____________ it would be the magic phrase and he would be CURED.
Sadly, it just doesnt work like that. Looking back on my situation I can say two things. Never do something because you expect a certain reaction (when someone doesnt react the way you want them to it causes you all types of pain) DO IT FOR YOU. If you decided to ask your husband to leave do it for your sanity and the safety of your child.
Second, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I cant love him clean, I cant cast a magic spell and make him better and the fact that he is still angry with me IS NOT MY FAULT. I CANNOT CAUSE anothers behavior.
Anyway, welcome. Keep reading. Keep posting. Best of luck to you......
I did the exact same thing. I asked my ex to leave because I thought he would wake up and get help. Realize what he had done to his family. Instead I got the opposite reaction. He told me that we just couldnt get along and there was to much of an age difference and blah blah blah.
A month later he did go to treatment and a few months after that he relapsed. He felt he was "forced" into to treatment because I kicked him out and he family then saw that his pill popping really was a problem. So then came the anger and resentment. Aimed right at me of course.
For a long time I blamed myself. For a long time I really believed it was me or something that I did or did not do right. Those type of thoughts kept me "stuck" for a long time.
The worst was yet to come. You see I kept thinking that if I did this ________ I would get a certain reaction. Or if I said this ____________ it would be the magic phrase and he would be CURED.
Sadly, it just doesnt work like that. Looking back on my situation I can say two things. Never do something because you expect a certain reaction (when someone doesnt react the way you want them to it causes you all types of pain) DO IT FOR YOU. If you decided to ask your husband to leave do it for your sanity and the safety of your child.
Second, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I cant love him clean, I cant cast a magic spell and make him better and the fact that he is still angry with me IS NOT MY FAULT. I CANNOT CAUSE anothers behavior.
Anyway, welcome. Keep reading. Keep posting. Best of luck to you......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Everyone else has given you great advice. There is only one angle I can offer that I didnt see addressed. One of the things I dread is that if my H doesnt stop his drug use by the time I can afford to leave is that my youngest child is quite a bit older than yours. He is school age and thinks his Dad hung the moon & stars. Looking back, even tho he has always thought the world of his Daddy at 15 months I know he would have emotionally handled it better than he will now. He is now too old to 'forget' about Daddy being gone but not old enough to understand the why of it. I know that he will blame me and I dread that more than anything. If I had known of the pills when he was 15 months and had I been able to afford it I know that he would have asked 'where is Daddy' and been satisfied with a Mommy non-answer.
Just think about how much harder it will be on your child if you keep waiting for it to get better and it doesnt and you have to try to explain it in a couple years.
Just think about how much harder it will be on your child if you keep waiting for it to get better and it doesnt and you have to try to explain it in a couple years.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. i am not familiar with interventoins. i do know that your husband is not going to get better until he wants to. you have got to decode what you want. i am sorry you are going thru all of this. it will only get worse. find a meeting to go to. learn to take care of you & leave his using or not using to him. keep coming back. we r here for you. sending prayers up for u & your family.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: london
Posts: 30
[QUOTE=cassandra2;2237736]
I did the exact same thing. I asked my ex to leave because I thought he would wake up and get help. Realize what he had done to his family. Instead I got the opposite reaction.
So then came the anger and resentment. Aimed right at me of course.
For a long time I blamed myself. For a long time I really believed it was me or something that I did or did not do right. Those type of thoughts kept me "stuck" for a long time.
The worst was yet to come.
Never do something because you expect a certain reaction (when someone doesnt react the way you want them to it causes you all types of pain) DO IT FOR YOU. If you decided to ask your husband to leave do it for your sanity and the safety of your child.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I cant love him clean, I cant cast a magic spell and make him better and the fact that he is still angry with me IS NOT MY FAULT. I CANNOT CAUSE anothers behavior.
That is spot on
Do it for YOU
I did the exact same thing. I asked my ex to leave because I thought he would wake up and get help. Realize what he had done to his family. Instead I got the opposite reaction.
So then came the anger and resentment. Aimed right at me of course.
For a long time I blamed myself. For a long time I really believed it was me or something that I did or did not do right. Those type of thoughts kept me "stuck" for a long time.
The worst was yet to come.
Never do something because you expect a certain reaction (when someone doesnt react the way you want them to it causes you all types of pain) DO IT FOR YOU. If you decided to ask your husband to leave do it for your sanity and the safety of your child.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I cant love him clean, I cant cast a magic spell and make him better and the fact that he is still angry with me IS NOT MY FAULT. I CANNOT CAUSE anothers behavior.
That is spot on
Do it for YOU
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