where now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
where now?
never posted here before but ive been reading posts for quite a while and have found it a great help in understanding my alcoholic wife.She's been in rehab for 5 weeks came out relapsed after 3 days,back in for another 5 weeks and lasted 10 days and relapsed again spectaculaly tonight,blaming me,my daughter and anything and everything for her relapse,managed to get her out of the house to her sisters tonight but don't know where to go from here,can't afford any more private rehab as i've had to remortgage the house and i seem to have explored every other avenue,i want to kick her out and tell her she's not welcome anymore but when she's sober she's still the girl i met 23 years ago,we've been together since school and find it hard to be tough with her,just needed to get it of my chest and get some advice from people who have been through the same.thanks in advance
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Hi tracksuit, glad you're here seeking support and looking for answers.
Have you given any thought to attending meetings like Al-Anon or CoDA, and depending on your daughter's age, how about Al-A-Teen?
Please take a moment to look around these websites, you might find them helpful.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
Co-dependents Anonymous
Have you given any thought to attending meetings like Al-Anon or CoDA, and depending on your daughter's age, how about Al-A-Teen?
Please take a moment to look around these websites, you might find them helpful.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
Co-dependents Anonymous
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: brighton, England
Posts: 65
Hi tracksuitman. It's good that you've decided to post. It sounds like a really tough situation. At this stage it's hard to know what to say, other than try and be optimistic. There are many people here who will give you good advice and support. Keep posting, it's good to get things off your chest.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
The truth is, there might not be an end to it. She might never ever stop drinking, until she dies.. that's the cold hard truth of this stuff.
YOUR concern is much better placed on you.. get support you need, be as healthy as YOU can be for the kiddo, and start thinking about the rest of your life, and what you want to accept or not accept to be part of it.
Sorry, just being honest.. I was the drinking one in my marriage, I got sober... but I lived more of my life related to drunks than being one.. double whammy I guess, but I have learned a LOT.. as has everyone here. You'll get a lot of support and gentle (and maybe sometimes not so gentle
) guidance here.
If anyone knows what you're going through, these folks do.. I'm really glad you found this forum.
YOUR concern is much better placed on you.. get support you need, be as healthy as YOU can be for the kiddo, and start thinking about the rest of your life, and what you want to accept or not accept to be part of it.
Sorry, just being honest.. I was the drinking one in my marriage, I got sober... but I lived more of my life related to drunks than being one.. double whammy I guess, but I have learned a LOT.. as has everyone here. You'll get a lot of support and gentle (and maybe sometimes not so gentle
) guidance here.If anyone knows what you're going through, these folks do.. I'm really glad you found this forum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
thanks for all your replies.it does feel good to get it of my chest and i know she may never stop drinking but when do i say enough is enough and give up on her,been in touch with al anon but cant think about myself at the moment,cant seem to let go
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
I was the drinking one in my marriage too, my experience is that both partners are capable of making the choice to stop the insanity. It only takes one person to say no, enough is enough. I wasn't about to stop drinking, so my ex protected herself and our children, and made the decision to get out of harm's way. It worked, it brought me to my knees, I found my way into recovery.
I don't think it always means that we're "giving up" on someone we've loved and are in a relationship with, it's making the decision to do what's best for us, rather than staying stuck in an endless cycle of caretaking.
I don't think it always means that we're "giving up" on someone we've loved and are in a relationship with, it's making the decision to do what's best for us, rather than staying stuck in an endless cycle of caretaking.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
you 'not giving up on her' isn't helping her now, is it?
it's not a matter of giving up, it's a matter of letting go, and taking care of yourself..
Maybe one day she'll decide that she wants sobriety more than a drink, I truly hope she does.
You can't get her sober.. you wont stop her from drinking herself to death or jail or.. (insert typical alcoholic outcome here). You CAN establish boundaries in your home and in your relationship that preserve your own well being and sanity, or...you CAN decide if this is the way you want your life to be for the rest of hers... you CAN also love her to death by continued enabling, and that does no one any good.
it's not a matter of giving up, it's a matter of letting go, and taking care of yourself..
Maybe one day she'll decide that she wants sobriety more than a drink, I truly hope she does.
You can't get her sober.. you wont stop her from drinking herself to death or jail or.. (insert typical alcoholic outcome here). You CAN establish boundaries in your home and in your relationship that preserve your own well being and sanity, or...you CAN decide if this is the way you want your life to be for the rest of hers... you CAN also love her to death by continued enabling, and that does no one any good.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
Welcome!
Well, the rehab only to return home and relapse seems to be the new pattern. AND you've placed yourself in a finanacially compromising position to acheive it.
Please also consider an addict/alcoholic isn't the first to volunteer to relieve debt accumulated 'helping' them either. Sounds like your set-up for all kinds of resentments... damned if ya do and, well, damned if ya do. So, why not DON'T.
I'm sure the rehab where she's inpatient has access to resources such as Sober Living and Halfway Houses where she can continue to treat her disease before returning home. It might give you both what you need right now AND establish a new pattern in how you cope with her disease. Either way, I hope you'll learn to cope with her disease with or without her in your life.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
Well, the rehab only to return home and relapse seems to be the new pattern. AND you've placed yourself in a finanacially compromising position to acheive it.
Please also consider an addict/alcoholic isn't the first to volunteer to relieve debt accumulated 'helping' them either. Sounds like your set-up for all kinds of resentments... damned if ya do and, well, damned if ya do. So, why not DON'T.
I'm sure the rehab where she's inpatient has access to resources such as Sober Living and Halfway Houses where she can continue to treat her disease before returning home. It might give you both what you need right now AND establish a new pattern in how you cope with her disease. Either way, I hope you'll learn to cope with her disease with or without her in your life.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi track!
Welcome.
Honestly, with alcoholism, you just do not figure on the equation.
Remember the 3 C's
You did not cause her problem
You never controlled it
You cannot cure it
Have you considered attending a psychologist or therapist? It feels so good to be able to talk about what you feel, and create action plans. I am sorry she is diseased. But I am glad you are here seeking answers. For the kid, you are the one and only sane parent.
I send you ((hugs)). Please keep posting, we care very much.
Welcome.
Honestly, with alcoholism, you just do not figure on the equation.
Remember the 3 C's
You did not cause her problem
You never controlled it
You cannot cure it
Have you considered attending a psychologist or therapist? It feels so good to be able to talk about what you feel, and create action plans. I am sorry she is diseased. But I am glad you are here seeking answers. For the kid, you are the one and only sane parent.
I send you ((hugs)). Please keep posting, we care very much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Welcome! I am glad you are here but very sorry for the reason. I very recently (3 weeks ago) left my ABF who I loved very, very much.
I too never wanted to "give up" on him. I still haven't. I just finally came to realize that unless the situation changed it would never change. The only way for me to change it was to remove myself from the situation because it was becoming too unhealthy for me. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.
My ABF always had someone cushioning him from the realities of his situation - either myself or his parents were always trying to help him. In reality it just allowed him to continue in the downward spiral of alcoholism. He didn't have to change because he knew we'd always be there.
I'm not very good at thinking about myself either. I can't even tell you that it was something outrageous that make me take action. It was nothing different than anything I'd been dealing with. It's just that something in me finally said "enough!"
I'd heard people here say it before - you will know when you've had enough. I always wondered how I would know. When it happened it seemed, for once, my heart and head were in the same place. I felt differently about it. I just knew with everything I had that I could not stand one more minute of it.
Within three days I had moved back to my home state. It still seems surreal but I know it was the healthiest thing I could do for both of us.
I too never wanted to "give up" on him. I still haven't. I just finally came to realize that unless the situation changed it would never change. The only way for me to change it was to remove myself from the situation because it was becoming too unhealthy for me. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.
My ABF always had someone cushioning him from the realities of his situation - either myself or his parents were always trying to help him. In reality it just allowed him to continue in the downward spiral of alcoholism. He didn't have to change because he knew we'd always be there.
I'm not very good at thinking about myself either. I can't even tell you that it was something outrageous that make me take action. It was nothing different than anything I'd been dealing with. It's just that something in me finally said "enough!"
I'd heard people here say it before - you will know when you've had enough. I always wondered how I would know. When it happened it seemed, for once, my heart and head were in the same place. I felt differently about it. I just knew with everything I had that I could not stand one more minute of it.
Within three days I had moved back to my home state. It still seems surreal but I know it was the healthiest thing I could do for both of us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, tsm,
It's different for husbands dealing with addict wives. Have you checked to see if there is a Men Only Al-Anon group in your area? That would be an enormous help to you.
Your natural desire to protect your wife is in fact enabling her disease to progress, but I'm sure you probably know that already in your head. It is when you finally know it in your heart that you will be able to draw the line in the sand that needs to be drawn. And I'm sure you know your daughter is being damaged while you try to find your way to that line.
Addiction is ruling your life. If you want to fight it, don't give it a soft place to land when it comes out of rehab and starts drinking again and verbally shredding everyone in its path and destroying your daughter's life.
If you can separate your wife from the addiction, you will find it easier to do the hard things.
Good luck. Stay safe.
It's different for husbands dealing with addict wives. Have you checked to see if there is a Men Only Al-Anon group in your area? That would be an enormous help to you.
Your natural desire to protect your wife is in fact enabling her disease to progress, but I'm sure you probably know that already in your head. It is when you finally know it in your heart that you will be able to draw the line in the sand that needs to be drawn. And I'm sure you know your daughter is being damaged while you try to find your way to that line.
Addiction is ruling your life. If you want to fight it, don't give it a soft place to land when it comes out of rehab and starts drinking again and verbally shredding everyone in its path and destroying your daughter's life.
If you can separate your wife from the addiction, you will find it easier to do the hard things.
Good luck. Stay safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
thanks everyone for all your replies,i know deep down what i have to do,still like to think i can help her but i know i can't.My daughter goes to camp today for a few days so i've got some time to try and put my life in order but can't seem to make a start or make any decisions just feel numb
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi tracksuitman-
i do understand knowing "deep down" what to do but not being able to reconcile that with one's heart's direction.
one thing which i found very useful when in the same situation, was i began to take notes every day. i kept a little computer file where i documented what happened that day: how much ABF drank, how much money he spent, any lies, any sweetness.
i kept this journal for about 3 months. and whenever ABF tried to confuse me with trickery, i could always refer back to my notes and see what had actually happened.
what i discovered was the true extent of the drinking. i also discovered that my ABF had been very successful in confusing me, as i so wanted to believe him.
it was a very useful tool and reviewing say, one month, was eye-opening as to the extent of what i was tolerating.
if she's been to rehab twice, it doesn't appear that she is serious about quitting yet. you do not do her any favors continuing to enable her. it's painful to let go, as we all know here, but the reality is that they are ADULTS.
good luck to you tracksuitman,
naive
i do understand knowing "deep down" what to do but not being able to reconcile that with one's heart's direction.
one thing which i found very useful when in the same situation, was i began to take notes every day. i kept a little computer file where i documented what happened that day: how much ABF drank, how much money he spent, any lies, any sweetness.
i kept this journal for about 3 months. and whenever ABF tried to confuse me with trickery, i could always refer back to my notes and see what had actually happened.
what i discovered was the true extent of the drinking. i also discovered that my ABF had been very successful in confusing me, as i so wanted to believe him.
it was a very useful tool and reviewing say, one month, was eye-opening as to the extent of what i was tolerating.
if she's been to rehab twice, it doesn't appear that she is serious about quitting yet. you do not do her any favors continuing to enable her. it's painful to let go, as we all know here, but the reality is that they are ADULTS.
good luck to you tracksuitman,
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Atlanta suburbs
Posts: 33
Hi TSM, our stories are almost eerily similar. My AW also went to rehab (2.5 years ago) and also relapsed 3 days after returning, and has been drinking since. We did not try another rehab stint as it was pointless... it was very clear that we just was not ready to quit drinking. Oh and I also have a child (teen son). And like yours, when my AW is not drinking she also is the sweet girl I met 23 years ago. Weird how similar, eh ?
So what have I been doing the last 2.5 years? (We're still together).
1. Saw a therapist for awhile two years ago, that really did help sort some things out.
2. Started attending Alanon and have done so without fail ever since. I was very reluctant to go to Alanon but I have to tell you it has been a life saver. It has enabled me to have at least some peace and growing serenity even with the AW still drinking. I strongly, strongly recommend that you give it a chance.
3. Am working the steps in Alanon (not the same as just attending meetings...)
4. Got a sponsor in the program.... also has been very important to me.
5. Discovered I was a codependent (who knew!). Read the aforementioned book Codependent No More. Very helpful.
5. Absolutely stopped any attempts to control/fix my wife. It's not possible anyway and will just cause immense frustration, anger, resentment, etc.
6. Got my son at least exposed to the Alanon program... he chooses not to attend meetings right now but he understands the basics and the family disease of alcoholism.
Well that's the short version. Others have also provided some great perspectives above so I won't repeat what the shared. As noted I have chosen to stay with my AW for now but only you can know what is right for you.
How old is your child? That could be relevant. If there is any chance that your wife might be driving your kid when under the influence, you must protect your child and make sure that doesn't happen. Mine is old enough to drive now so this is no longer an issue for me.
Hope that helps. Would be happy to discuss further....
Larry
So what have I been doing the last 2.5 years? (We're still together).
1. Saw a therapist for awhile two years ago, that really did help sort some things out.
2. Started attending Alanon and have done so without fail ever since. I was very reluctant to go to Alanon but I have to tell you it has been a life saver. It has enabled me to have at least some peace and growing serenity even with the AW still drinking. I strongly, strongly recommend that you give it a chance.
3. Am working the steps in Alanon (not the same as just attending meetings...)
4. Got a sponsor in the program.... also has been very important to me.
5. Discovered I was a codependent (who knew!). Read the aforementioned book Codependent No More. Very helpful.
5. Absolutely stopped any attempts to control/fix my wife. It's not possible anyway and will just cause immense frustration, anger, resentment, etc.
6. Got my son at least exposed to the Alanon program... he chooses not to attend meetings right now but he understands the basics and the family disease of alcoholism.
Well that's the short version. Others have also provided some great perspectives above so I won't repeat what the shared. As noted I have chosen to stay with my AW for now but only you can know what is right for you.
How old is your child? That could be relevant. If there is any chance that your wife might be driving your kid when under the influence, you must protect your child and make sure that doesn't happen. Mine is old enough to drive now so this is no longer an issue for me.
Hope that helps. Would be happy to discuss further....
Larry
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 30
I'm sorry to say this but she does not want to stop drinking at all. She will say she does, but her actions are far more real than what she says. I stayed in a relationship for four years always believing he meant what he was saying and that he was going to try. The final straw came after his full detox in hospital. I realised I did not want to do it all again so the day he started drinking again I left. It has nearly killed me and even now, I could quite easily go back for more because I still love him. I read a lot of information about my enabling prolonging the drinking years and realised that I would not be responsible in any way any more for him killing himself. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I wonder if I will ever get over him and you have more ties to her as you have your daughter together. You can carry on until you have no money left, no self esteem left and a daughter who will take years to recover and there is still no guarantee that she will ever stop drinking. I hope you find the strength to make the changes you need to make to protect yourself and your daughter. Read as much as you can so that you know in your heart that what you are doing is the right thing for her as well as you, it might be what has to happen for her to realise that she has a problem. My thoughts and prayers are with you, it is such a difficult thing to try and deal with and none of us can do it on our own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
well i've done it,my wife is going to move out,i feel empty,sick its the hardest thing i've ever had to do i cried so much i could hardly get my words out,i know its for the best but i've done it the hard bit is going to be sticking to my decision,so many times i have drawn the line just to move it again the next day,hope i'm doing the right thing.big thanks to everyone for all your replies,so good to know i'm not alone
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by tracksuitman 
ts the hardest thing i've ever had to do
L
P.S. A counselor was the life-saver for me when I was at my bottom. Do you have that option?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
counselor may be the answer but for now my daughter is away at camp so i'm going to go surf in Wales for the weekend,a bit of time for me without worrying about my wife,if she's going to hurt herself,forgot what it's like to have no worries/problems/anxieties excited but scared.
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