You've got to be freakin' kidding me!!!!!

Old 05-21-2009, 02:14 PM
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You've got to be freakin' kidding me!!!!!

Just got home from work, and found that EXABF WAS here while I was at work. Came by in his big shiny new red truck and picked up all HIS stuff.

The kicker to it all is he brought back NOTHING of mine that I asked him for, NOTHING! Two items totalling over $200.00 and a marble "plate" that I had from when I was in my 20's with the Serenity Prayer on it!!!! Of course it was not valuable financially but to me sentimentally it meant a GREAT deal, as I bought it during a REALLY hard time during my marriage to a abusive EXAH, and there were times I know that it was the only thing that kept me going. I didn't know WHAT it really meant back then but I knew it meant something to me.......now it's gone for good, and irreplacable in my heart!!!!

I asked him SPECIFICALLY when we discussed him getting his things to bring my things back, but I guess that was to much to ask for.

I was sooooooooooo angry when I realized what he had done that my first reaction was to REACT and call/email him, but I didn't!

I figure I have two options.... #1- Email him and tell him I will be by his place Sunday for MY things-of course that drags it out ANOTHER 3 days with more hurt for me, or #2-just eat the cost of it all, mourn the loss of my plate and what it meant and let it go.

See I did NOT respond to his last email about MAYBE not being able to come here today-I ALWAYS respond to his emails, even if only briefly-but didn't the last time. And he knows me, and knows my temper so I am sure he knows I am ticked right now, and probally thinking that I will call/email him asking about my stuff.....so maybe this was just another attempt by him to drag it out some more, who knows. I even told him in the last email to him that all of this had me feeling depleted and sad-WHY would a person keep doing this to someone????? I would NEVER treat someone I cared fors feelings that way......How wrong it that?

I am REALLY disappointed right now, and hurt. Had I known he was up to this I would have made it a point to be here and hand his stuff over only when I got mine.....

Just soooooooooo very depleted and drained and unsure of WHAt to do next-if anything at all.

shelly

Note-he just emailed me and said that he didn't want to pack my stuff in the rental because he wasn't sure how the day would play out, and that he'd get with me one day next week and bring it out-Thursday is good for him-lol......and "I hope you guys have a beautiful weekend"........I emailed him back with a short note "just keep it".
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Old 05-21-2009, 02:26 PM
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Here's the impression I get from reading the last few posts you have made about this.

It's not about 'stuff' at all. His stuff, your stuff, none of it REALLY matters. It's about drama. High intensity anger, indignation, righteousness, and victimhood. Sorry to be so in-your-face about it, but I only recognize it because I did it, too. And then the final "just keep it," to seal the martyr role.

It might help to take a deep breath and consider the possibility that the things he does have nothing to do with you. He just does them. He doesn't do them TO YOU. You can continue agonizing over every little action or nonaction he takes, or you can get on with your life. Your choice.

L
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Old 05-21-2009, 02:37 PM
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I've read your posts. I have to say I kind of agree with LTD.

You have to consider the possibility that nothing he is doing is about you, to you, for you. I'm getting the sense you are thriving in this drama despite saying you hate it.

If I can illustrate. He does not bring your stuff back when he collects his. He offers what seems a perfectly reasonable explanation why and a time/date to get your stuff to you. And your response? "Just keep it".

You don't want him to keep it. You want your stuff. So why do you suppose you sent that to him?
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Old 05-21-2009, 02:44 PM
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He knew his stuff was going to rot on the sidewalk had he not gotten his but over there to pick them up today, but he had to leave himself something to use to manipulate your feelings with and he left your stuff at home to do it.

This 2-year-old tantrum on the grocery store floor about the unfairness and outright insanity of it all is understandable, exhausting, but understandable.

This is what you will continue to do on and on and on until you cut it out of your life, stand up, dust off your Garanimals, and walk out of the market.

Was the 'just keep it' line seeping with martrydom, of course it was. Does it matter, not in my opinion. What matters is that you made the choice to let this trash end.

Just imagine the thought of you struggling week after week to get one item, then another, then another because you know he'll have some reason for only bringing them one at a time or some reason why he just couldn't locate the other items on that day - yadda, yadda, yadda. Weeks of throwing your hands to the sky and shouting FUBAR!

Why don't you vow to hit every roadside yard sale every Saturday until you find a Serenity Prayer plate, plaque, mug, needlepoint what have you to solemnly commemerate the moment you embraced your inner 2-year-old and stopped her fit. It will have all the symbolism in the world because it is about you and no EX-whatever.

Alice
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Old 05-21-2009, 02:45 PM
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Hey spirited, I understand your hurt. Ex AH kept stuff HE KNEW was really meaningful to me- and he broke one cup, with all the intentions to do so. Not a single apology for that.

But you know what, its just stuff. Precisely for this, for this total selfishness and lack of remorse, I chose not to be with him any longer. Precisely for this manipulation you are better off moving as away from him as possible.

And this is just about stuff. Now translate this selfishness and lack of remorse to emotions, and you've got hell.

You are better off without him, spirited. I am sure I am not the first person to tell you this. It hurts a lot to wake up to the truth of one person. Manipulators do that, they appear as wonderful people, then when you believe in them they start acting as their real selves. Of course, next time, you really need to know the person - take a lot of time, so you are sure of who you are dealing with.

Its just stuff. The plate with the Serenity prayer is not nearly as important as you living the message it conveys. I agree, find another one. Or paint a plate yourself. Find something even MORE meaningful!

I know this is a painful process, I hope you start counseling or therapy, so you are able to learn from all this, and it does not happen again.

Also, I do not think its martyrdom to feel hurt because another person's acts. What he is doing has no excuse, its his 50%. I agree any healthy adult would respect your time and give you back your stuff. I agree expectations have not been met, and that hurt is valid.

But I also agree that you need to see your 50%, see why you trusted someone capable of this. Why were you attracted to this person? That is the main question.

Anyhow, we are not psychologists (at least I am not, I am a network engineer LOL) so I wouldn't dare saying what is going here, I just know I do not want you to hurt any longer. Specially for a guy like this one. He is just not worth it.

We are rooting for you!
Sandra
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Old 05-21-2009, 02:50 PM
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I do not feel that his response as to why he could NOT bring it today, while he was here was even remotely acceptable. Explain to me how it was to much trouble for him to lift a cat carrier filled with my possessions from the bed of his rental truct to the bed of his new truck?? No, there is no excuse, and that is unacceptable. As for me telling him to "keep it" that had NOTHING to do with being a Martyr.....that had to do with me ending it here and now, without justifying or explaining anything to him. He does not deserve ANY explanation......he can simply Keep it........done.........the end........No reason for him to "get with me next week" or come by my place yet again........He keeps the stuff and there is nothing left to talk,email about.....
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Old 05-21-2009, 02:58 PM
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Here's where I get a little lost in my own life...now what do you do? When you slammed the door on a subject (which I admire whole heartedly, Spirit) how do you truly shut down the mental discussion over it.

I get into situations like this with ABF or whomever, and even after the conversation is over and the last shoe has dropped, I still swirl it around in my head.

"Did I do the right thing, could I have said it more firmly, was I being firm or just being a b**ch." On and on.

I suppose it's different for everyone, but I just wondered.

Spirit, what now? The door is closed on the subject. Will you be able to move on or will the hamster keep running in his wheel over it? For me it probably would.
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Old 05-21-2009, 03:04 PM
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When I sent him what was to be the LAST email and told him he could come and get his things Thursday, I told him how I was feeling about this entire situation...that I hadn't been sleeping, was very sad and feeling depleted. His response to that heart felt email was "Can't say for sure about Thursday....yada yada yada"-this from a man who used to not be able to shut up about how he felt. But when he did this to me today, KNOWING what the situation was doing to me because I had TOLD him, he showed me flat out that he has NO COMPASSION for me and could care less how I am feeling. I think that pretty well tells me all I need to know.......his actions today spoke volumes,
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Old 05-21-2009, 03:04 PM
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ItsmeAlice, you are totally right....
I hope spirited that instead of going crazy with the hamster running, you take this anger out in constructive ways... such as exercise.

I know doing some Tae Bo moves helps me a lot, I always imagine I am kicking ex's balls, or remember things he did that made me angry and

/ i am more energic
/ i produce endorphins
/ i get anger out
/ i end up tired and sleep better
/ i look better !

I hope that you can find something similar spirited!!

I am glad you will no longer be waiting for him. Which are your plans for the weekend?
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Old 05-21-2009, 03:07 PM
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Exactly spirited, looking at the actions... it hurts a lot, but many times, these wake-ups... this anger.. is what helps you move forward.

Perhaps if he had given you your stuff with a nice note "here you are " and waited for you with flowers would have you SUCKED ONCE AGAIN into a relation with him. Which would cause a new, complete round of hurt, betrayal, lies, manipulation, etc etc. The only difference would be that your stomach would hurt and you would have more wrinkles and probably less friends, and more traumas and less money as you would have even more sadness to share with the therapist.

You'll be OK ((spirited))
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Old 05-21-2009, 03:31 PM
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Ok... tough love.. and I can say this stuff because I've been there BS'ing myself too.

The greatest lies are the ones we tell ourselves right? You are telling yourself that because you have told him how hard this is for you and he is behaving a certain way it is part of some design.. some master plan.. to cause you pain.

Now I'm not going to minimise what you feel. You are obviously hurting and that is ok. But.. and I can only go on what you have posted her in SR.. I think you are lying to yourself if you think he is even really considering your feelings in any way, let alone a negative one. This is logistics to him by what you have posted.

I can't really see a huge agenda in his actions.. but then I'm not looking.. because I'm concentrating on you.. and I can see some in yours. I'm not saying it is conscious but you are breaking up.. you are hurting and you are looking to this guy to ease your pain when he is part of causing it.. you are telling him get out swiftly from my life and don't look back yet you are angry when he doesn't respond in the way you would wish him to. You email about logistics with a few emotional bombs in the email.. and he responds about the logistics.. and you're pi**ed because he didn't pick up on you feeling bad or seem to care.

You are not over him. That's ok.. love wasn't quoshed in a day.. but be honest about that, feel your feelings and stop looking for validation or acceptance of them from him, stop knotting yourself up reading into what he does/says or getting angry because he doesn't do/say what you want/hope/expect.

Just get your stuff or leave it but.. if you are still reading this and don't want to kill me by now.. do one of them and then stop the rot. Go no contact and start moving forward. You.. to a better brighter future where whether he responds to your email or not says nothing about you or to you.

:ghug
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Old 05-21-2009, 09:02 PM
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Old 05-21-2009, 11:14 PM
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Hi Spirit,

I was reading through your previous posts. I'm sorry that you are feeling such emotional pain.

I think, from what I have read is that you might not be wanting your Exbf to move on in his life. Doesn't "EX" as in Exbf, mean no longer your boyfriend?

I know it can be difficult to get your head around a relationship being over, but looking to find hope and hidden meaning in sending a Mom's Day card, or in a wish to you for a good weekend is only going to fuel false hope. Maybe you are hoping he's going to change his mind? I think too, by doing this you are setting up expectations for him to meet based on unfounded intentions.

I really hope you can find a way to let this go. the first step may be in finding acceptance within yourself that the relationship is over and day by day creating a new life for yourself. Not always easy, but it is doable.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 05-22-2009, 08:30 AM
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Hi spirited,

Just wondering how you are doing...

Perhaps I am "the milder one" around here, but if the breakup is recent, of course "moving on" and "letting go" will take time.

When I was in your shoes a friend told me feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings. Acceptance, moving on, letting go of a person you were once close with, take time, take healing and take releasing all the feelings that come with mourning.

And of course it hurts when you are in the first mourning stages and the other person is already going out with someone else! When I heard that I felt so hurt, immediately replaced, as if the relation had meant NOTHING AT ALL to him, etc. etc. those feelings are natural.

spirited, I hope you find all these posts are because we care about you... in my case these overwhelming feelings were because I had lack of affection from my dad and I was expecting partners to give me that love. Now that I am focusing on the root of all this I find I am feeling healthier... perhaps its not this guy, or these last events in particular that hurt you, but something deeper inside your heart and your memories.

I hope you keep posting, it helps not to store your feelings inside. What helped me was writing all I felt regarding ex, without any censorship, then burning the papers.

Also, as I work with ex AH I saw him with his new gf after a week from the breakup, have had to see him everyday, work/ interact with him, and usually I met them both while walking after the office, while driving or other times as we live closer.

It was not easy, but regardless of that today I feel really good about myself, I think I would have healed much faster if I did not have reality infront of me daily reopening my scars. But know you will feel better and stronger day by day, and this is a chance for you to learn about the role you played here, YOUR 50%.

Approach your close friends, family and all the "support artillery", take yoga, if you feel like crying CRY, crying releases toxins and is good for you, I wish I had looked for others help instead of crying my heart out alone during those difficult times. I hope you have the strength to reach out, now when you need support the most.

((hugs)) I am here if you need to talk.
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