LaTeeDa

Some of the recent posts here (especially the bumped up "I told him" post by ToughChoices) got me thinking about this subject.

For a long time, I thought I knew what I wanted in life. A dedicated loving partner, a nice house, children, pets, secure retirement, etc. As my recovery has progressed, I have slowly realized that maybe what I thought I wanted in life was too specific. I think it was more about control and what I thought I "should" want in life, rather than what my heart and soul really wants.

In order to find out what I really want in life, I had to experience some things that I, for sure, know without a doubt, I DON'T want in life. One of those was being married to an A. But, there are others, too.

I don't really have a lot of control over what life sends my way. I do, however, have control over what I embrace and what I reject. That's what I mean about being too specific. Rather than insisting life gives me what I want, I can only choose from what is available. For example, I am not powerful enough to fabricate a dedicated, loving partner. I can, however, choose whether or not a particular person fits in my life.

All this is to say that maybe it's more important to recognize what we don't want in life, than to itemize the details of what we do want. Acceptance is the overriding principal that keeps me balanced these days. I tend to explore and pursue the opportunities that "feel right," while avoiding or minimizing situations that don't.

I am really only along for the ride in the grand design of it all, but I can do some steering. And one of the greatest joys of acceptance for me has been the realization that uncertainty is just part of the adventure. Looking at life in this way has helped me to embrace my fears, knowing that whatever I experience will only make me stronger and wiser.

L

MissFixit

Lateeda,

You are so collected. I wish I could be that cool.

I am learning acceptance and boy it takes patience and distancing yourself. You are a wise lady.

Miss

Freedom1990

LTD, thanks for starting this thread!

I too was into the whole loving partner, house, etc thing for a long time.

Somewhere those life desires turned into intangibles like serenity, joy, and a quiet heart.

There have been a lot of curve balls in my life, but I can see where those desires were fulfilled by negotiating through the curve balls.

cmc

This is where I've been heading as well. The thing that I often failed to realize that something I thought might be a negative could perhaps actually turn out to be better than anything I could have asked for or imagined.
This is what my recovery is all about, because these days I'm finding opportunities to actually utililze faith and trust. For me, I've always had those thing working in my life but not to the extent that I'm stretching towards at this time in my life. I'm forced to face my fears if I choose to move forward. There are still plenty of times when I'm feeling a bit uncertain about 'steering' my way through it all- especially not knowing all the details ahead of me.

isurvived

Good topic!

I've been doing much of the same contemplating about what I want out of the rest of my life. For the past few months, I've been feeling like the "best years" as far as age goes, is gone — seeing that I am in my 50s. But that really isn't so I know. I've still got a future. And the good thing about it that I know already is that I WON'T be spending it with an A. Yeah!

I've been enjoying my serenity for the most part. Aside from stressing out about material things (job, finances) I'm pretty happy with how things are right now.

Oddly, I have no interest in forming another relationship. Maybe it isn't odd, considering the last one! I just don't feel like another person is going to complete me. Yes, sometimes I do feel lonely for a true relationship — but that is nothing new...it's the same feeling I've had my entire marriage - something was missing - an empty, lonely, vacancy that never got filled. IF that changes, and someone new comes along, great - but I am not seeking it.

I've got a list of things I've always wanted to do (one being to learn the violin) and I'm anxious to get started on some of those simple things I can get enjoyment out of in my life ahead. Time waits for no one. I'd better get on with it!

LaTeeDa

Yes, that's it exactly--intangibles. Good word.

L

chrisea

for a long time, I wanted the relationship, can't deny that, struggled with why I couldn't find it, seems like there are a lot of others with same thoughts.

That was prior to xabf... Now.... go with "I take nothing for granted, I now have only good days or great days"

justaboutus

I'm also noticing that in my search for "what I think I want in life", I'm not enjoying what my HP is sending my way... things that are good for me... things that my HP (who knows better than I do) knows I need.

TakingCharge999

LTD, you are very wise. I am grateful you participate in this forum. I learn so much from you.

Joy, health, peace, compassion, forgiveness, silence...

Now if I can get the bike, keyboard, car, a handsome & loving husband, and a fashionable dress it would be great, but I can do without them and still obtain the 'intangibles', so no worries

tsukiko

brokenrockstar

I want the courage and strength to write a post like this and mean it... I hope I get there someday.

Ago

I only want two things in life

To be totally content with what I have

and

just a little "more"


(inner peace and serenity actually, i'll take "the intangibles" too, I actually have about 99% of what I "need", I'm moving now into caring for my "wants")

chrisea

"There are too many books I haven't read, too many places I haven't seen, too many memories I haven't kept long enough."
~ Irwin Shaw

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." ~ Emily Dickinson


"The first recipe for happiness is: Avoid too lengthy meditation on the past."
~ Andre Maurois


"Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away."
~ Robert Fulghum


"Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself."
~ Alice Walker


"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking."
~ Buddhist Proverb

"Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms." ~ William J. Bennett

"He who is brave is free." ~ Seneca

"It always takes awfully long time to understand unbelievably simple things." ~ Joe Chung

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ~ Colette

LaTeeDa

"It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got." ~Sheryl Crow

Jadmack25

Agree completely with you. Late last year, I did up a list of what I would like to have in my life, and one of what I actually did have. A brainstorming session for one.
Looked at my wants and put each one in group of; Really possible, possible, just a chance, improbable and lastly the group labeled "a snowballs chance in hell.

The Serenity Prayer got a real good workout for a few days (and nights) I can tell you.

Finally put the results in order, went thru each and attached what needed to be done by me, and sometimes others, to achieve each Want on the list. Kept my brain busy working on MY desires for a change.

One want was a necessary need; to find a new place to live that I didn't need to starve myself to afford the rent. After a hard time, including living in a car for a month, I was blessed to get into a large, modern pensioner cottage in the area I loved, at $154 a week LESS than I had been paying.. I have got the security of a council home and Oh the sheer relief of no more massive rent increases in future.

My ABF, stuck by his decision to stay off the drink, and for the first time in 20 years was a total support and wonderful help to me, and Praise God he still is. My needing him gave a real boost to his esteem and has bolstered his confidence in himself and seemed to increase his desire and determination to keep off the booze. He was and felt NEEDED.

I had a hiccup with a BIG mild heart attack which scared me and ABF and was caused by the stress and strain over the prior 3 months, but since then my health and energy has improved as I make a new unit into a home.

I am happy and contented, free from worry about money, and the constant fear of not having a place to live in the future. I have a loving family, my dear mum is healthy again at nearly 98, my AS has stayed sober for a few weeks and beginning to enjoy being so.

I have my friends, church groups and my card making (by computer) is a source of pleasure, mental stimulation and an extra few dollars for me. I actually have a back yard and am setting out a garden. My cup runneth over, with all these blessings.

My ABF refuses to go to AA, but has been following the program, sees a D & A counsellor and chats to his brother who is too afraid to drink as he had his dad and my ABF as prime samples of alcohol hell. We also chat about how he is going, which was off the agenda in past sober periods, and I am grateful to be included this time. His moody, nitpicky and "old misery" behaviors of past dry times, haven't surfaced this time round and that is a blessing for me.

I even suggested ABF may find other help, support and friendship here on SR, and he is ok with that idea, so maybe he will be a newby here soon.

I am so thankful that I have ALL I need, most of what I wanted and feel as if I have come out of my self imposed prison, and feel free to be me at long last.

Concentrating on my needs, pleasures and interests keeps me from watching and worrying over what he may be up to, which is a novel experience for me and I love it. I look forward to my 65th birthday this year, as after the heart scare I am blessed to still be around for it.

Sorry to ramble on so long, but I feel so happy after having depression for 5 years that I just had to burble away to someone, and you darlings here were the perfect target.

God bless you all

RobinsFly

Really wise and insightful words here. Thank you for sharing.
I can certainly relate.

I don't know about your situation, but oftentimes we grow up in an atmosphere where we are not free to voice our wants, needs, desires. Or, our feelings are not validated.
It's no wonder we search for outside sources of gratification. Plus, isn't it the freakin American Dream to want the spouse, kids, nice house, vacations, retirement, etc???
There is a certain social order we live amongst.

I was so hell bent on the marriage + kids that I didn't have the ability to tap into my TRUE needs/wants. Heck, I didn't even know what they were -- until now. It's a learning process, no?

atalose

(((LaTeeDa)))

I too have learned so much from your posts, I can’t begin to thank you enough for witnessing your strength and all your wise words.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU