Day Two - steady as she goes
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 118
Day Two - steady as she goes
Well, I made it through one day, thanks to a lot of inspiring stuff I read around here.
I hope nobody minds if I use this forum as a kind of diary for a while. It helps. Yesterday I had what you might call a "moment of clarity." An excerpt from the book Under the Influence drove home a point that will be very important for me over the course of my recovery. Physiologically, I am hard wired for this stuff. Did you know that alcoholics actually perform better when under the influence of alcohol, at least during the first two stages of the disease? That's why so many alcoholics are so successful, at least in the early stages of their career. They actually do have an edge of sorts. I actually did shoot better pool with a couple beers in me! It wasn't my imagination. That's the difference between the alcoholic and the normie: Alcohol does something "extra special" for the alcoholic, which is why it ends up seducing him/her into killing him/herself.
My alcoholism has never been a big secret to me. I was never in denial that I had the disease. I was in denial about managing the disease, figuring that as long as I didn't drink over a certain amount, it wouldn't kill me. I literally had it down to a science, calculating the toll on my liver, timing my drinks, counting them, only drinking on certain days, never drinking before 5, never drinking on an empty stomach; oh yeah, baby, I was an alcoholic, but I was in control.
Except that I wasn't in control; I was just feeding that addiction for as long as I could. The fact that I tried to mitigate the consequences might have extended my life a bit. It certainly extended my drinking life. Over the years, my two-drink limit became a three-drink limit, a four-drink limit... aw, heck, no limit on Fridays... and Saturdays... and Sunday afternoons during football season. That was addiction upping the dose, so slowly that I barely noticed until it was almost too late.
As a young man I gleefully chased the dragon. Then I rode it for a while. At some point I found myself clinging to it for dear life. That's pretty much how alcoholism progresses. For me it ended up with my career in shambles and my marriage on life support with little chance of recovery. It will take a miracle to repair my marriage, and that's incredibly painful, much more painful than being a middle-aged unemployed loser.
Certain things I can't change, like the fact that my wife hates me with some justification. Damn it, though, now I understand what happened, and I understand what I have to do about it.
Today is my second day of sobriety. I woke up this morning and felt more hungover than usual -- must be withdrawal or something. I want to leap from bed like I did as a kid! I don't want to feel like crap anymore. Maybe after a few days when my body realizes that it didn't really need alcohol to feel normal, it will be easier.
But let's not worry about a few days from now. The main thing is that I don't drink today, that my desire to live and be sober defeats my desire to poison myself. Do that every day, and let a few days from now take care of itself. That's what I figure.
Today I choose not to drink. I choose to live!
I hope nobody minds if I use this forum as a kind of diary for a while. It helps. Yesterday I had what you might call a "moment of clarity." An excerpt from the book Under the Influence drove home a point that will be very important for me over the course of my recovery. Physiologically, I am hard wired for this stuff. Did you know that alcoholics actually perform better when under the influence of alcohol, at least during the first two stages of the disease? That's why so many alcoholics are so successful, at least in the early stages of their career. They actually do have an edge of sorts. I actually did shoot better pool with a couple beers in me! It wasn't my imagination. That's the difference between the alcoholic and the normie: Alcohol does something "extra special" for the alcoholic, which is why it ends up seducing him/her into killing him/herself.
My alcoholism has never been a big secret to me. I was never in denial that I had the disease. I was in denial about managing the disease, figuring that as long as I didn't drink over a certain amount, it wouldn't kill me. I literally had it down to a science, calculating the toll on my liver, timing my drinks, counting them, only drinking on certain days, never drinking before 5, never drinking on an empty stomach; oh yeah, baby, I was an alcoholic, but I was in control.
Except that I wasn't in control; I was just feeding that addiction for as long as I could. The fact that I tried to mitigate the consequences might have extended my life a bit. It certainly extended my drinking life. Over the years, my two-drink limit became a three-drink limit, a four-drink limit... aw, heck, no limit on Fridays... and Saturdays... and Sunday afternoons during football season. That was addiction upping the dose, so slowly that I barely noticed until it was almost too late.
As a young man I gleefully chased the dragon. Then I rode it for a while. At some point I found myself clinging to it for dear life. That's pretty much how alcoholism progresses. For me it ended up with my career in shambles and my marriage on life support with little chance of recovery. It will take a miracle to repair my marriage, and that's incredibly painful, much more painful than being a middle-aged unemployed loser.
Certain things I can't change, like the fact that my wife hates me with some justification. Damn it, though, now I understand what happened, and I understand what I have to do about it.
Today is my second day of sobriety. I woke up this morning and felt more hungover than usual -- must be withdrawal or something. I want to leap from bed like I did as a kid! I don't want to feel like crap anymore. Maybe after a few days when my body realizes that it didn't really need alcohol to feel normal, it will be easier.
But let's not worry about a few days from now. The main thing is that I don't drink today, that my desire to live and be sober defeats my desire to poison myself. Do that every day, and let a few days from now take care of itself. That's what I figure.
Today I choose not to drink. I choose to live!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Hi SurviveIt and Welcome to SR!!
I am glad you have decided to stop drinking. This is a great place to find a lot of help and stay sober. The one thing I must mention is that medical assistance is always a good idea as detoxing on your own can be quite dangerous. I have read that heroin detox is actually less dangerous than alcohol detox.
I found "Under The Influence" through Carol's post and it indeed is a fascinating book. Although I have been sober for a while I felt even more motivated to stay sober after reading that book. What is so clearly documented is the early stages of alcoholism that I might have called just heavy drinking before reading that book. The progressive nature of the disease is extremely well documented.
I hope you have a recovery program because we really need a lot of help to remain abstinent. Having a lot of sober friends has helped me immensely. Please do keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Glad you are here!
I am glad you have decided to stop drinking. This is a great place to find a lot of help and stay sober. The one thing I must mention is that medical assistance is always a good idea as detoxing on your own can be quite dangerous. I have read that heroin detox is actually less dangerous than alcohol detox.
I found "Under The Influence" through Carol's post and it indeed is a fascinating book. Although I have been sober for a while I felt even more motivated to stay sober after reading that book. What is so clearly documented is the early stages of alcoholism that I might have called just heavy drinking before reading that book. The progressive nature of the disease is extremely well documented.
I hope you have a recovery program because we really need a lot of help to remain abstinent. Having a lot of sober friends has helped me immensely. Please do keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Glad you are here!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR survive, I will second what dime said, see a doctor ASAP, detoxing from alcohol can and does kill, depending upon the individual the really bad stuff can start to hit on the 3rd or 4th day.
"Under The Influence" is an awesome book, "Beyond The Influence" is an updated version of "Under The Influence" and if I recall correctly discusses recovery and recovery options better.
Oh yea another thing is it takes a whole lot more then a week to start getting physically better, it took me months before I was seeing big changes, the amazing thing to me was that mentally things got better for me every month for at least a year, I kept thinking "It can not get better." But it did!
"Under The Influence" is an awesome book, "Beyond The Influence" is an updated version of "Under The Influence" and if I recall correctly discusses recovery and recovery options better.
Oh yea another thing is it takes a whole lot more then a week to start getting physically better, it took me months before I was seeing big changes, the amazing thing to me was that mentally things got better for me every month for at least a year, I kept thinking "It can not get better." But it did!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Brighton UK
Posts: 328
Good post SurviveIt - reminds me how I used to drink. Just enough to give the buzz required, but not so much that I couldn't function as I needed. But ofcourse I began to need more to function - a vicous circle. Congratulations on making a fine decision to start your journey of recovery.
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