Very confused
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oklahoma
Posts: 17
Very confused
My wife will be 90 days sober next sunday and after 1 child and 2 yrs of marriage she don't know what she wants. Yet on the other hand im supposed to trust her and let her on my checking account and stay out late with friends etc without being concerned. My question is does she not know if she loves me or is she in a bad spot right now, is it to early to show her that trust when she seems to be acting irresponsible with our relationship and our family. She changes day to day and i dont know what to believe anymore. I honestly thought recovery would open her eyes to all the good things we have but it is getting worse at home the longer she is sober. When can expect her to wake up if she is going to?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Thats a tough question to answer dirtyd.
Unfortunately, things don't always happen in our time frame.
You have every right to protect your family and your finances, if you feel they are at risk. And, just as things may not be "right" for her just now, no one says you "have" to feel right with how things are.
Hope you'll stick around, there's a lot to be gained from many here who have walked in your shoes.
(((Hugs)))
Unfortunately, things don't always happen in our time frame.
You have every right to protect your family and your finances, if you feel they are at risk. And, just as things may not be "right" for her just now, no one says you "have" to feel right with how things are.
Hope you'll stick around, there's a lot to be gained from many here who have walked in your shoes.
(((Hugs)))
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
oh hell no don't let her on your account or even have access to it.
and if she is clean and sober why is she staying out late with friends, wait let me ask this first, are these the friends she did drugs with.
90 days is a drop in the bucket.
stay strong
and if she is clean and sober why is she staying out late with friends, wait let me ask this first, are these the friends she did drugs with.
90 days is a drop in the bucket.
stay strong
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
her love for you and her addiction are two separate entities. she will NOT stop using because she loves you, or because you love her. that was my first thinking error.
don't let her in your finances. my husband is over 2 years clean and he has access to nothing. my check book isn't even in the house. i don't know your history but my husband did a lot of financial damage in a short period of time, believing he would eventually fix it.
focus on you. you cannot make your wife be the woman you want her to be anymore than she can change you. focus on you.
focus on you.
don't let her in your finances. my husband is over 2 years clean and he has access to nothing. my check book isn't even in the house. i don't know your history but my husband did a lot of financial damage in a short period of time, believing he would eventually fix it.
focus on you. you cannot make your wife be the woman you want her to be anymore than she can change you. focus on you.
focus on you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
My RAH has over two years and 4 months clean WITH an active recovery program....
He STILL is not on my accounts.
Does this mean I don't trust him...no, because I will willingly give him my card to use and I trust that he will use it properly....but at the same time, I know that this ugly disease can rear it's head any time, and for that we BOTH decided to keep him off the accounts.
Keep the focus on you... 90 days is nothing in terms of recovery, especially if the addict is not doing an active program....Time wll tell you what you need to know.
He STILL is not on my accounts.
Does this mean I don't trust him...no, because I will willingly give him my card to use and I trust that he will use it properly....but at the same time, I know that this ugly disease can rear it's head any time, and for that we BOTH decided to keep him off the accounts.
Keep the focus on you... 90 days is nothing in terms of recovery, especially if the addict is not doing an active program....Time wll tell you what you need to know.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
My husband is 5 months clean and it is a struggle everyday. He is very active in his recovery, but is horribly moody. I've been with for 14 years and I've never seen him as confused and angry as he is right now. It is a lot of work for him and I'm sure for your wife. I don't have the answers, but I know you need to do what is best for you and your family and if that means keeping her off your accounts (which is what I've done) and seeking counseling for yourself than you have every right!
Good luck!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Fool me once, shame on you....Fool me twice, shame on me. My mantra with my recovering AH is that I will know he is in recovery when I see his behavior change. Until then, my self protection is my number one priority.
....And, sadly, I am on a journey to accept that, even though he is currently in recovery, I do not think he will EVER "Wake Up." Be there for your child, be there for yourself. God Bless
....And, sadly, I am on a journey to accept that, even though he is currently in recovery, I do not think he will EVER "Wake Up." Be there for your child, be there for yourself. God Bless
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 320
I can only share my personal experience.
After my disease ran through the family I had no right to expect them to trust me. Even after several years of soberity they always maintained a state of "readiness" to confront me on anything. Looking back at it I am glad they did....my recovery is my personal responsibility. They have long forgotten my soberity date cuz they see it as my issue...and it is. They do however reserve the right to jump in my stuff if need be.
Manytimes I have learned that "things in recovery are not always as they once seemed when I was using". I mean sometimes people find out they only love some person place or thing only while using and vice versa. Recovery turns us into a different person. THis different person is sometimes liked by others and sometimes not. When I am practicing these principles in all my affairs I love more, respond better, do better ect at all things. A person with 90 days will have a sponsor or they will soon not need one. People with my disease get clean or die. I must accept this fact of life. It is not a reflection on me or them it is a fatal disease.
Protection of my personal serinity (my spelling sux I am sure you can tell by now) and my recovery comes first and formost. It is hard to come by so I do not give it away freely. I protect myself and my kids from all diseases I can.
May God Bless you as he has me.
I remain,
Joe H
Addict
9/9/84
After my disease ran through the family I had no right to expect them to trust me. Even after several years of soberity they always maintained a state of "readiness" to confront me on anything. Looking back at it I am glad they did....my recovery is my personal responsibility. They have long forgotten my soberity date cuz they see it as my issue...and it is. They do however reserve the right to jump in my stuff if need be.
Manytimes I have learned that "things in recovery are not always as they once seemed when I was using". I mean sometimes people find out they only love some person place or thing only while using and vice versa. Recovery turns us into a different person. THis different person is sometimes liked by others and sometimes not. When I am practicing these principles in all my affairs I love more, respond better, do better ect at all things. A person with 90 days will have a sponsor or they will soon not need one. People with my disease get clean or die. I must accept this fact of life. It is not a reflection on me or them it is a fatal disease.
Protection of my personal serinity (my spelling sux I am sure you can tell by now) and my recovery comes first and formost. It is hard to come by so I do not give it away freely. I protect myself and my kids from all diseases I can.
May God Bless you as he has me.
I remain,
Joe H
Addict
9/9/84
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oklahoma
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Being abstinent is far different than being in recovery. What is she doing for recovery?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
Dirty,
I think the answers you want will come in time, though that doesn't always lend much peace of mind where you are right now.
That said, I know how painful and frustrating it is when a partner's dynamics so dominate the relationship... and especially when they are incapable of seeing it or they, rather, see it and refuse to address it. We learn to suffer in silence, held captive by the fear standing up for our own needs may be the demise of the relationship. It's too often either a covert or overt threat held over us. The kicker is, we often don't know what our needs are we've become so enmeshed in what someone else's needs are.
A question I've began to ask myself to guage relationships is not, "Do they love me?", but rather, "What is the QUALITY of the love I'm being offered?" After accepting I can't want more for someone than they want for themselves (powerlessness), I must embrace the process of learning who I am. It's a process of untangling myself from someone else, whether that be together or apart.
I hope you find peace as the answers are revealed.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
I think the answers you want will come in time, though that doesn't always lend much peace of mind where you are right now.
That said, I know how painful and frustrating it is when a partner's dynamics so dominate the relationship... and especially when they are incapable of seeing it or they, rather, see it and refuse to address it. We learn to suffer in silence, held captive by the fear standing up for our own needs may be the demise of the relationship. It's too often either a covert or overt threat held over us. The kicker is, we often don't know what our needs are we've become so enmeshed in what someone else's needs are.
A question I've began to ask myself to guage relationships is not, "Do they love me?", but rather, "What is the QUALITY of the love I'm being offered?" After accepting I can't want more for someone than they want for themselves (powerlessness), I must embrace the process of learning who I am. It's a process of untangling myself from someone else, whether that be together or apart.
I hope you find peace as the answers are revealed.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
