Firefighter

I don't think I really understand what codependency is. I know my wife will not stop drinking no matter how I plead and tell her how much it's destroying our relationship. I know that makes me feel desparately frustrated, helpless, and alone. I can never shake that feeling. Is that codependency?

sdp

I would like an answer to that also. I don't think I'm codependant, as I RARELY drink with him, and never buy him any booze, but I'm not sure what it means....

margo

Hi Firefighter - those are some of the feelings that are caused by codependency. Hop on over to the Nar-Anon forum and take a look at the thread titled "Nar-Anon Power Posts" at the top of the forum. There is a link there to the thread "Codependency" which was written by Pernell Johnson, who gives some of the best explanations on addiction and related issues that I have ever read. You should have a much better understanding of this complex issue after reading what he has to say.

Rainy

Firefighter, Codependency is a hard struggle for me to understand as well and I believe I will be learning about myself and my codependent ways for the rest of my life. I have always thought of myself as independent and strong, as do most people who know me. From my experience with my AH, and this being my 2nd alcoholic/codependent marriage, I finally decided maybe I needed to take a look at myself too, and wouldn't you know, I DO have a LOT of those "codie" traits!

I have done a lot of reading online about the subject too, besides reading the powerposts that margo suggested. There's also many books on the subject. You'd be amazed what you will find just by typing in the word codependent into a search engine.

Here's a list off one site I found called "characteristics of codependency:" (I was amazed at how many I could personally relate to with my cuurent H)

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
My mental attention is focused on you
My mental attention is focused on protecting you
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
I put my values aside in order to connect with you
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

Personally I believe that codependency starts in our youth and for me it has meant that I've had to deal with some unpleasant past issues and start giving them over to my HP, and then learning to like myself so I don't have to depend on someone else to bring me happiness or my perception of happiness.

constant

For me codependency means that I have always put everyone else before me. Their needs and wants always come 1st. I am a very strong person....apparently too strong. I attract "needy" or addictive persons or personalities. My mind automatically looks for a "solution" to the problem or a "bright" side to make someone feel better.

These things aren't necessarily bad things, but I have to realize that I have to start with ME. What I need must come 1st and that others ARE capable of doing things with out me telling them how.
I like to control EVERYTHING around me.....down to how the dishwasher is loaded....so I do it instead of letting someone help because they might not do it MY way. Very silly I know, but these are the things that I have realized and begun working on. Yours may be different.....codependency to me doesn't always mean that you are hooked to an alcoholic.....there a lots of other things that don't involve alcohol that I have found in myself that are "codependent behaviour". Especially concerning my children and they don't drink...they are too young yet, but I try to control them too.

I hope this makes some sense....I also have a very difficult time expressing myself through writing....never got very good grades in writing at school and we can all see why!!!

Blessings, Constant

journeygal

Constant, you expressed yourself very well and what you said made a lot of sense!

My codependency means I try to control everything, everyone, and every situation. It's not just about trying to control my husband's addiction, it's about trying to dictate who his friends should be, what clothes he should wear, what time he should come home - ugh, sounds like a mother, not a wife! :saywhat?: Thank God I found Melody Beattie. I've managed to keep a lot of the codie tendencies at bay but I still have a ways to go.

kitkat

This has helped out a ton!

My husband keeps saying that I never change, and he is right. I have always been my codependent self ready to do anything to make him feel good.

The problem is I think he really likes that and I don't think he likes that I'm not doing it anymore.

I have my own issues to work out, but so does he and until we both do, we can't be a functional couple.

Thanks for the info!
Kitkat

ml22

codependent means to me "living the lie". The lie is to the outside world we are this happy family without alcoholism, when in reality we are just a family stuggling to live with a relapsed addict who doesn't have a problem. The problem is all mine in his eyes, if I didn't make it a big deal then it wouldn't be. If only that were true. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I never said a word again... but I lived this once and let the program work for me and you know what happened? Three DUI's in 30 days, no driver's license for 3 years, thousands of dollars in fines, skyhigh insurance rates for me because we were married and then after he got his license back years of SR22 rates for him and an extra10% tacked on to mine just beause. Know what else 13 years of soberity. NOW we are back in this nightmare with him drinking and me being faced with another chance to let this work? I don't have the energy to let everything we've built up go down. We have four children now and they don't desrve this.

glove482000

Rainy,your post on co-dependency was right on the money.I have read some on the matter of co-dependency and all the things you listed were all traits I had in my dealings with others.Thank you for reminding me

gimpski

dear fire fighter, I remember when I did not understand what codependency was or if it related to me or i related to it. I now know i suffer from it badly.. I always want to take care of people and i seek out those who are needy, and has alot of chaos in there lives "cause don't you know I can fix it and make it go away" In all my relationships I have been attracted to men whom have needy issues and drugs and alcohol abuse issues. I always tell myself I can make them happy by taking care of them 100% and to take care of me 5%, and this has been a pattern for most of my adult life.. I not only chose relationships with men like that but I also seek out anyone in need so i can feed my codependency like a alcoholic feeds their alcohol cravings. this to me is codepenency in the worst way. If you can relate then u may be, only you can tell yourself that..they have books at most book stores on this issue.. good luck with your wife, and remember you can not change her, but you can pray for her and let her learn her own lessons from her drinking.. Keep the focus on yourself and what can you do to help you feel better in your marriage.