AH wants us to be a family
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
AH wants us to be a family
I am not sure how to even word this--it is just this feeling in my gut of anger and annoyance. I want to shout-go away--what makes you think you can throw away all the trash that has happened in the last 11 years and then stroll into the house and decide you are ready to be a father now and ready to be a husband now.
Something has happened to me--I decided I had enough and want my own life and now you decide you want to share your life with me. . .and I don't want to.
AH has been suddenly started to plan all these family outings. He just called me at work to see if tomorrow after work I could come home and we could all go on a family bike ride like we used to. Like we used to was when I ignored that he was getting high and drinking--did not deny it--just ignored it. Knew that it was a problem--but did nothing about it. Now I am trying my hardest to get myself in the right place to leave. I have been interviewing for jobs, I have been looking at houses, I have the lawyer in place, I have the money for the lawyer--and BAM, I am letting the guilt he is throwing at me have an impact on me. He says he is getting straight (and he very well may be) but the truth is, I took a hard look at things and decided too much has happened. It is not that I cannot forgive him. It is that I do not trust him and I do not respect him. Yet, I find myself annoyed that he has suddenly decided to step up to the plate. I am pretty new in my recovery--if I admit to myself I have just scratched the surface. Yesterday when I started to absorb the idea of divorcing him I cried. Perhaps it is sorrow at what I wished was going to be but never was to begin with. And now that he appears to offering what I wished for I don't want it anymore.
I am having a hard time trying to figure out why I am so angry about this. I need to get myself to a meeting. I can feel myself starting to cave and I don't want to. I can feel that lousy feeling of accepting the unacceptable creeping in.
Something has happened to me--I decided I had enough and want my own life and now you decide you want to share your life with me. . .and I don't want to.
AH has been suddenly started to plan all these family outings. He just called me at work to see if tomorrow after work I could come home and we could all go on a family bike ride like we used to. Like we used to was when I ignored that he was getting high and drinking--did not deny it--just ignored it. Knew that it was a problem--but did nothing about it. Now I am trying my hardest to get myself in the right place to leave. I have been interviewing for jobs, I have been looking at houses, I have the lawyer in place, I have the money for the lawyer--and BAM, I am letting the guilt he is throwing at me have an impact on me. He says he is getting straight (and he very well may be) but the truth is, I took a hard look at things and decided too much has happened. It is not that I cannot forgive him. It is that I do not trust him and I do not respect him. Yet, I find myself annoyed that he has suddenly decided to step up to the plate. I am pretty new in my recovery--if I admit to myself I have just scratched the surface. Yesterday when I started to absorb the idea of divorcing him I cried. Perhaps it is sorrow at what I wished was going to be but never was to begin with. And now that he appears to offering what I wished for I don't want it anymore.
I am having a hard time trying to figure out why I am so angry about this. I need to get myself to a meeting. I can feel myself starting to cave and I don't want to. I can feel that lousy feeling of accepting the unacceptable creeping in.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
I could have written your post. Heck, I just wrote something similar.
I completely understand what you're saying.
I sense you are feeling annoyed because mentally you are trying to move forward. You are starting to envision a different (more peaceful and loving) life for yourself. But, then he dangles the carrot.
It is enticing because a harmonious relationship is what you've always wished for. For a few minutes you might think, 'maybe it is possible with him'....
Try to be authentic. Hold tight and ground yourself.
Try not to deny where you are at THIS MOMENT. You each have your own work to do.
You can be happy that he wants to be with his family, and he can continue to build a relationship w/ his kids. He cannot erase the past, and neither can you.
This is so hard, I know.
Something has indeed happened to you. You are starting to heal.
I completely understand what you're saying.
I sense you are feeling annoyed because mentally you are trying to move forward. You are starting to envision a different (more peaceful and loving) life for yourself. But, then he dangles the carrot.
It is enticing because a harmonious relationship is what you've always wished for. For a few minutes you might think, 'maybe it is possible with him'....
Try to be authentic. Hold tight and ground yourself.
Try not to deny where you are at THIS MOMENT. You each have your own work to do.
You can be happy that he wants to be with his family, and he can continue to build a relationship w/ his kids. He cannot erase the past, and neither can you.
This is so hard, I know.
Something has indeed happened to you. You are starting to heal.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Wife, perhaps he started sensing you are not the same one you were before and in reality he is just trying to suck his enabler back?
These 2 are great resources I think I shared before, but here they go:
Addiction, lies and relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior.
Dependency
Dependency - Relationship
When we ask a person, who is already a victim in a relationship with a drug addict or an alcoholic, “Why do you stay with this person? You could have a better life away from all the heartache and pain?” They are quick to respond, “inside this person is a very loving, giving, human being that needs help, and I am here to help this person. This person needs me. They would be in a terrible mess without me. I could not live with myself if something was to happen to them or if I abandon them. I could not do that to them, as deep inside they need me.” The self-proclaimed martyr has spoken. You will notice that the underlying message is that of need and is not love. Where there is love there is no need as all is balanced.
I hope you take the time to read them, and moreover, to REMEMBER all of what you have gone through already!!
These 2 are great resources I think I shared before, but here they go:
Addiction, lies and relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior.
Dependency
Dependency - Relationship
When we ask a person, who is already a victim in a relationship with a drug addict or an alcoholic, “Why do you stay with this person? You could have a better life away from all the heartache and pain?” They are quick to respond, “inside this person is a very loving, giving, human being that needs help, and I am here to help this person. This person needs me. They would be in a terrible mess without me. I could not live with myself if something was to happen to them or if I abandon them. I could not do that to them, as deep inside they need me.” The self-proclaimed martyr has spoken. You will notice that the underlying message is that of need and is not love. Where there is love there is no need as all is balanced.
I hope you take the time to read them, and moreover, to REMEMBER all of what you have gone through already!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Thank you for you responses and TakingCharge I will read those links. When I got home he started telling me all about his appt. to see his psychologist and all I could say is that's good--then I just walked away. I don't even want to hear about it. It is not important to me anymore.
I think what is weird is before I had this sort of self righteous anger and that is not what this feels like. Also, the sudden tears in the last couple days have been a shocker to me--I think RobinsFly is right. I have envisioned a life of calm and happiness--in my I have already put myself and my kids in that house doing everyday stuff that does not involve arguments and snide remarks. All this let's be a family is not my vision of what I want my family to be because in my vision the turmoil is gone and he is the turmoil.
suki-thanks for reminding me to read my own signature. I burst out crying when I read your post too. I think I am moving in the right direction because I just had a plan but felt nothing. I think the sadness, anger, being annoyed is a good indication that I have moved past denial.
I think what is weird is before I had this sort of self righteous anger and that is not what this feels like. Also, the sudden tears in the last couple days have been a shocker to me--I think RobinsFly is right. I have envisioned a life of calm and happiness--in my I have already put myself and my kids in that house doing everyday stuff that does not involve arguments and snide remarks. All this let's be a family is not my vision of what I want my family to be because in my vision the turmoil is gone and he is the turmoil.
suki-thanks for reminding me to read my own signature. I burst out crying when I read your post too. I think I am moving in the right direction because I just had a plan but felt nothing. I think the sadness, anger, being annoyed is a good indication that I have moved past denial.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I think so too Wife, remember Melody Beattie says your only job in codie recovery is to release ALL your feelings without harming others or harming yourself. I know you can do it and regardless of your AH... you are in the right track to heal from your past, to learn from your past actions-that takes courage-I am very proud of you!!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
This is a great thread! I've been there too! I made the final decision to separate from my husband while he was in rehab during family weekend. I realized that he had made some progress but wasn't being entirely honest. I couldn't imagine trusting him again.
As it turns out, he's back to using. I'm glad I didn't waste more time with him. I had hoped he would sober up for the kids, but he loved booze more. So sad! I am glad that I am able to offer my kids a chaos-free home! I sometimes wish I could share my life with someone who could serve as a surrogate dad to the kids, but I will wait until I find the right person.
Encourage your AH to continue with his plans for fun activities with the kids, the appointment with the psychologist, etc... Perhaps, if he sticks to a recovery program for at least a year or two, you can revisit your relationship then. People change when they sober up; you would have to get to know him all over again!
As it turns out, he's back to using. I'm glad I didn't waste more time with him. I had hoped he would sober up for the kids, but he loved booze more. So sad! I am glad that I am able to offer my kids a chaos-free home! I sometimes wish I could share my life with someone who could serve as a surrogate dad to the kids, but I will wait until I find the right person.
Encourage your AH to continue with his plans for fun activities with the kids, the appointment with the psychologist, etc... Perhaps, if he sticks to a recovery program for at least a year or two, you can revisit your relationship then. People change when they sober up; you would have to get to know him all over again!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
meh..
the moment they feel you pulling away is the moment they suddenly decide that they want you and the life you'd hoped for and dreamed of..
you believe it.. you let your guard down.. you stop your plans in their tracks and open yourself up to the possibilities and BOOM! before you know it you are right back to square one or beyond..
if he is serious.. you carry on with your plans and he can carry on with his plans to become a model Father, Partner and all round great human being.. there is nothing to stop him doing that and (if he does and more importantly you are willing and the conditions are right) you all being a family..
blinkers and focus.. let him flap around and do the courtship 'look at me look at me' dance.. you keep trucking..
good luck :ghug
the moment they feel you pulling away is the moment they suddenly decide that they want you and the life you'd hoped for and dreamed of..
you believe it.. you let your guard down.. you stop your plans in their tracks and open yourself up to the possibilities and BOOM! before you know it you are right back to square one or beyond..
if he is serious.. you carry on with your plans and he can carry on with his plans to become a model Father, Partner and all round great human being.. there is nothing to stop him doing that and (if he does and more importantly you are willing and the conditions are right) you all being a family..
blinkers and focus.. let him flap around and do the courtship 'look at me look at me' dance.. you keep trucking..
good luck :ghug
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