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My multiple addictions: Where do I start, Part II

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Old 05-19-2009, 12:44 PM
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Unhappy My multiple addictions: Where do I start, Part II

Hey~
I'd like to get some input on my situation if I could. I went into detailed background info on an earlier post in the general discussion forum, so I thought this forum might be the right place to pose these new questions for your consideration.

In brief, I'm Bi-Polar & ADD/ADHD, & I have multiple addictions...the "Big-2" are Alcohol & Porn. [Oh. Am I supposed to use abbreviations? I don't know what all the abbreviations are that I keep seeing in these posts. SA, SO, Etc.?] Is there a glossary of all the abbreviations?

I'm taking 4 different medications for my mental disorders, & 2 VERY powerful Schedule II narcotics for chronic, inoperable sciatic nerve pain, all of which carry the risk for dependency. GREAAAAAT. Just what I need! :roll: I can't discontinue the use of any of these medications, which only goes to make my situation more difficult.

My wife & I are in marriage counseling, which has been a HUGE help for us, both individually & as a couple.
Now I know just because we're in therapy doesn't mean our marriage will survive, but it's the only chance that it 'could'. So I'm clinging to that hope...it's really all that I have left to hope for. I mean, working to improve myself is VERY IMPORTANT, I'm acutely aware of that fact!! Yet if I don't have a goal to reach as incentive to continue this very difficult work of self-improvement, I'm having a very difficult time 'justifying' it. That goal being that our marriage survives. Does that make any sense?

Since I already went into details in my other post, I'll stick to the Cliff-Notes on this part.: regarding my Bi-Polar~ADD disorder[s].
Even with the medications, these disorders 'Stack-the-Deck' against me. BP~ADD's almost universally fall into addictions such as p*rn, booze, drugs, gambling, etc.: self-medication to snuff out the pain, anger, fear & everything else that makes us feel 'uncomfortable'.
What are simply mild annoyances to most people [ie: driving in heavy traffic, mild confrontations or arguments, etc.] will almost always fill us [or ME specifically] with near-overwhelming feelings of dread. Self-medicating via the above methods are VERY COMMON coping mechanisms for BP~ADD's, myself included. Which is why I'm here.

Our Therapist is GREAT! He's straight-forward & plain-spoken. He'll give a textbook answer to a question & put it into real-world/real-life context. Again, this has been IMMENSELY helpful to us both! He's explained to my wife many of the *Why's* of 'why-I-am-how-I-am' in ways that she can FINALLY understand after 23 years of being a couple, 17 of those yrs being married. She still has a tough time dealing with the disparity between how she sees &/or deals with situations & how I do, but at least we're in the same 'chapter' of the book & are working to get on the same page. For this [again], I'm thankful.

OK. All that said, on to my dilemma[s]. A CRITICAL & EXCEEDINGLY CRUCIAL aspect of my multiple mental disorders is that they are all intertwined, interconnected & inseparable.The phobias & fears [manifestation[s] of the disorders] I have are magnified. This in turn serves to increase my 'need' to fall back on the negative coping mechanisms I've used for over 3 decades: the use & abuse of alcohol, drugs & p*rn.
My multiple addictions feed onto & into each other so that any period of sobriety I have reached in one is short-lived, because the other two kick in harder to 'take up the slack'. Addressing & confronting them ALL AT ONCE is nigh-on impossible.

Falling back on my dependencies of these conjoined addictions has & continues to be inevitable. At this point, we've been focusing mainly on my p*rn addiction in our counseling sessions, since this has had the greatest & long-term negative impact on our marriage. I 'know' it was strongly suggested that we stick to the alcohol addiction topic, but I really feel my multiple addictions have got to be addressed!

I've recently [last Thurs] started going to an SAA group in my hometown. I'd gone to one in another city 2 years ago, but that group DID NOT WORK [reasons in my other post]. I've been ready to deal with the p-addiction for a while; but the other addictions make it all so hard to deal with that I continue to be trapped in the prison I've made. I have NO CONTROL over my Bi-Polar~ADD/ADHD [medications only go so far as to help lessen their affects]; that those disorders magnify addictive behaviors makes it all that much worse.

I'm sure there is 'some' validity in how some of you may see what I wrote as a very long laundry-list of excuses, misdirections & denials I've put into text regarding the basic fact that I'm an addict & NO amount of reasoning & explanations can change that.

Maybe a lot of you feel this way. I'm pretty sure that some of that IS true. I've done what I've done for a long time. Some of my behaviors [acting on addiction[s] I've done for as long as I can remember...going WAAAYYYY back in the 'Way-Back-Machine' as it were [Man, 'THAT' dates me...Mr. Peabody from the Rocky & Bullwinkle show...]

When you do something for so long that it is part of your daily life...actions w/o thoughts...knee-jerk responses to every-day life situations...that kind of cause=effect; the act of actually having to rip off the scab under the band-aid to take a long, hard look at the repugnant things you've done, locked away & refused to acknowledge is so painful that we'll do or say ANYTHING to avoid doing it.

No one wants to look under those rocks in our lives; open those doors & face all that we've said & done. I count myself in that number. I know that as I begin to deal with all this sh*t, I'm gonna go thru those stages of grief:

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

I may never get to number 5...at least I don't see that happening at the point that I'm at. Who knows?

I shouldn't look that far down the road I guess...since I've only taken one step by going to the SAA meeting. At this point, I don't know if I can or should also go to AA meetings as well. Do I do all three; AA, NA & SAA? Should I try?
Do I address them individually?
Do I lump them all together?

I just feel VERY STRONGLY that all of the stuff I opened up about; my mental disorders, often-crippling phobias, anxieties & fears, neuro-chemical imbalances [etc.] DO play a POWERFUL & LEGITIMATE roll in my multiple addictions.

Not excuses. Not denials. Not weaseling out...just the back story.

I believe every one's back-story HAS to be accepted & should NOT dismissed, either in part or as a whole. I should know. The 1st group I went to slammed me hard when I brought up the fact that I'm Bi-Polar~ADD/ADHD. I could barely say this to myself & my wife, let alone work up the nerve to tell complete freaking strangers!

I was told it was all basically bullsh*t & psuedo-psychology & had no place in the discussion...that I was doing all of what I just said...the denial stuff. Thanks a lot for nothing, fellas! Way to make a guy feel welcome & help him open up.

People with mental disorders are still widely looked on as something distasteful & to be avoided. Add the fact that almost all of us have at least one addiction or compulsion or negative dependency and it's no wonder so many of us will fight tooth & nail to avoid dealing with it. For many of us, we'll never get help & continue to act on our addictions. Our marriages disintegrate. Our jobs are lost. Our family & friends are driven away.
For some of us, the pain, shame & utter feeling of powerlessness becomes too great a burden to bear, and the only thing that they have control over is ending their life.

I want help. I need help. But as I've opened the book & started reading my back-story from the beginning, I'm just totally at a loss as how to start.

Whew. That was long. Too long. But I hope you see what I'm facing, & perhaps some of you can offer some thoughts or suggestions on what I can do, or how/where to start.
Thanks for your time & considerations.

illuminati
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Old 05-19-2009, 01:00 PM
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Hi,

We can change. We can change our thinking and our actions. And, I agree that mental issues have to be dealt with when recovering from addiction. I had to deal with my depression in order to recover from alcoholism, because depression laid the way to addiction. The addiction itself is, in my opinion, the symptom and you need to deal with the root cause. So, whatever kind of addiction you have is a symptom of underlying problems that you need to deal with. Try to take a small step and make one change. You will be surprised at the ripple effect in your life.

I'm not an AA person, but I think that meetings could be helpful to you. It's great that you are seeing a counsellor as well.
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Old 05-19-2009, 01:52 PM
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I definitely agree that mental issues do need to be addressed, and you've been dually diagnosed with drug/alcohol/etc dependency and clinical mental health stuff. That is a tough mix, I dont know it first hand, but I do know it in my professional world.

I know that people diagnosed as Bipolar, ADD, anxiety disorders etc.. have a higher incidence rate of issues with addiction.. but it's not 100%. What do the folks do differently, that don't drink too much, use drugs, or porn to quell some mental discomfort? Do you have support in the mental health community, access to folks who have managed multiple mental health issues without turning to self medication? If you're drinking and drugging, how effective are any of your meds? Certainly not as effective as they would be without. I'm pretty aware of most meds used to treat several things you've been diagnosed with, and I'm also sure you're pretty aware that drinking alcohol is contraindicated. Easy to describe, but how to treat?

I'd say it looks (reads?) like you're taking a very thorough look at your recovery, and yes, I'll say just like you did.. it's peppered with a bit of denial and a dash of excuses.. but we all have done that, regardless of any DSM diagnosis.

We put a lot of effort into addiction, and I know I wasnt' able to begin truly recovering until I was willing to put as much into my recovery as I had been putting into drinking (and that was a LOT of energy!). None of us can compare diagnoses, past trauma, current crisis and say one's harder than the other, or ones a better reason to keep killing ourselves. I think it might be helpful to you to think about what could possibly be helpful (as you have), AA, NA, group counseling for mental health, a new doc, a new counselor, and try them ALL. Strip away the energy it's taking to maintain not only your daily grind, but the addictions that are entertwining in your entire life, and shoot it all at getting some help..

Lots of people will follow my words with some guidance, I don't feel like I've provided much.

We're here for you.. it's a rocky path.
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Old 05-19-2009, 03:54 PM
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Hi Flutter~
Thanks for your reply. You asked what folks do differently who 'don't' abuse alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, etc. I can't really speak for folks who aren't addicts Per Se. However, I DO know a great many Bi-Polar's~ADD/ADHD's almost always 'DO' have dependencies, compulsions & the like that are along the same lines as addiction: great example is someone with OCD...[I forgot to add that I'm also OCD, too]. When you have OCD, ritual behavior[s] can be akin to addictive behaviors...that is, you can't control what it is that you do, they disrupt daily life, negatively impact social interactions, friendships, relationships, jobs, etc. You feel powerless to stop, you feel shame, pain, self-loathing, depression, etc. No fun, lemme tell 'ya!

I do have support through the mental health community, & very thankful for it! The people I'm seeing [wife, too] 'are' versed in dealing with people with multiple disorders. That's a good thing!
...[sigh]...man, I know...I know...drinking while I'm taking my disorder-meds is 'not' a good thing. Sucking down suds while I'm on daily doses of Lamictal, Concerta, Methylin, Seroquel, Fentanyl & Cyclobenzaprine is very contraindicated!

I'm happy to say that I don't take any other drugs of any kind anymore! Nothing. I no longer drink during the day, don't drink alone, hide cans, never drink&drive...but still, drinking is drinking. Once you have one it's almost certainly gonna go from one beer to 12. Not denying that.

I know some of what I wrote came off as denial/excuses. I'm really working hard to be totally open & honest. It's a tough row to hoe. Sure you all know that. No matter the words that come out, the truth is the truth. There's no escaping it. I know that.

Where I go next [multiple groups, etc.] remains to be seen. I just took my 1st step on the road. I don't want to look up & down the road toward the horizon. I'm keeping my eyes down at my feet. One step in front of the other is the best I can do right now. I guess it's better than nothing, right?

Thanks again for your kind words. It means a lot.

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Old 05-19-2009, 05:06 PM
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Hi Illuminati

Welcome to SR.

How long have you treated your ADD with meds? Have you read any good books. I like "Driven to Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I became dependent on methylin, for my ADD traits, but unfortunately, it contributed to my abusing alcohol and sleeping pills.

I have some experience to share, But I don't know how yet, and whether it would be helpful to you. But I'm willing if you want to hear it!

Mark
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Old 05-27-2009, 03:22 PM
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thanks for the replies

Hey people...thanks for the replies. It's been a rocky week+. Wife & I are still trying very hard to work together on my addictions & disorders. We 'did' have a great night last night. It was our 17th wedding anniversary. We had a nice dinner out w/o kids & didn't talk about work or the house or kids...it was nice.

I had no illusions that anything was going to happen after dinner. I knew nothing would. Although I was in a way disappointed, at least I wasn't anxious or hyper-focused. I guess that's a good thing.

I haven't made any attempt at diving into the deep end & trying the 1st step on a road to sobriety from my multiple addictions. Right now, all I'm trying to do is come to grips with all the stuff I've got...OCD, ADD/ADHD, Bi-Polar & all the meds I'm taking. If I can find peace with all of these things, maybe I'll be able to take that step...
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Old 05-27-2009, 03:40 PM
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Although I never had OCD or Bi-Polar, some of that type of thinking, especially compulsive behavior (unfortunately - compulsive alcohol abuse was top of the list...) was increased as my methylphenidate use escalated... It's remarkable how my compulsive type thinking has almost gone away since I stopped the methylphenidate... Now that all my chemical use has stopped, anything remotely approaching true bi-polar behavior has vanished.

Glad to see you posted again... glad you had a nice dinner out last night... if you both want it to work you have a good chance!

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Old 05-27-2009, 03:56 PM
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Do you take a short acting or long acting fentanyl?
There have been documented problems with the short acting and drinking and dose escalation. Not that you should stop any medication without advice.

I wish you well and think you should be praised for being so honest and open.
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