justtired

I've never felt this unable to make a move before in my life. I don't want to stay, I don't want to go. I am now staying at a friend's house for a few days. When I got there I was relieved. I wished that I never had to go home. Now last night I broke down because all I wanted was to just go home and have things be "normal". I don't want to let the old him go. I still half fall for the crap he tells me even though I know it's BS. I feel in turmoil and I want it to stop.

I have been so grateful for my friend that I am staying with. She has been there for me to vent to over and over (she is always asking how things are going). She's letting me stay at her house and has even said I can stay for a while until I can get things figured out. I felt that HP was looking out for me by sending me someone I could rely on when everything else is falling apart. Last night, we were talking about things and all of a sudden she started yelling at me. Asked why nothing is ever about her and why everything is about everyone else. I couldn't believe she felt this way. Then I found out that her mom is an alcoholic. She has dealt with this stuff her whole life and now I see that she definitely has co-dependency issues. Now I feel like I shouldn't rely on her. I feel like I don't have enough to give of myself at this point in time when my own life is crazy right now. We talked things through and things are okay, but now I feel like I'm being a burden on her.

I just need to find stability. Why can't I seem to make this stop? I am frozen where I am and not able to make a move. I'm wondering what you all have done for yourselves to get yourself past this frozen in place feeling? How do you force yourself to move forward when you just don't want to? I feel like I took a major step by staying with my friend, but now I am kind of panicking because I feel like the next step forward would be the end. Did any of you feel ready for it to end, or should I never expect to feel prepared?

Sorry for the rant, I'm just trying to move forward and feeling a bit overwhelmed I guess!

Chino

How about looking at it a different way -- this chapter of your life isn't the end, it's the beginning of another

laurie6781

The 'old him' is GONE. To prove this to yourself, get paper and pencil, sit down and start writing on one side of the page the way HE USED TO BE and on the other side of the page THE WAY HE IS NOW.

Once you have it down in black and white, the 'reality' will become clear to you.

As to your friend ....................................... what a great opportunity for BOTH OF YOU. You can be Al-Anon buddies, go to some meetings together and help each other.

Just some things for you to think about.

Oh and btw, Chino is absolutely correct ............................. the ending of this chapter of your life is THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT CHAPTER (and I am sure it will be a much better chapter, giving you some peace and serenity.)

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Live

Change usually is scary and the ambivalence is normal too.
Perhaps you might find better f2f support from al-anon?

justtired

Thanks everyone. I have gone to alanon, but I just can't find a group I feel comfortable in. It's all too structured for me and I'm just not comfortable. I've been doing okay with coming on here and talking to a counselor. It's just that every once in a while when I take a step forward, I freak out. Then I seem to relax and feel better. Next step I'll probably freak out again. LOL

I guess at least I'm moving forward. If I just kept freaking out in the same place, I'd be more concerned. Now is just a hard time because I feel like I'm nearing the end. I keep taking steps in the right direction, but dang it all, I'm walking towards an ending that I don't like!

justtired

I left him a note when I left. The morning after our 4-hour long crazy-fest. I said I'd be gone a few days. I haven't heard from him at all and it's been 4 days. I sure wish I knew what he was doing. I think he is answering his phone for tenants. His brother said he thought he was so that's good at least... I planned on only being gone about 3 days. But with what I have going on, it makes more sense to go back home on Thursday when we can talk again and lead into the weekend (I have Friday off). I kind of feel guilty for being gone this long without talking to him or telling him when I'll be back...

cassandra2

One thing that helped me alot is to stop expecting myself to FEEL a certain way or to FEEL this way by this time. You feel what you feel when you feel it.

I have been stuck for 7 months in the same rut. Thinking the same thoughts. Doing the same things. I knew that I would get better when I got better. When you expect yourself to be feeling something else I think that prolongs the process. Accept that this is the way you feel today. Maybe tomorrow you will feel different.

Trust yourself to know that at some point you will have the strength to start doing something different. Its a long process. Its hurts but you will get better.

I stopped putting so much pressure on myself to "hurry up and get over this". I think that is where all of my anxiety came from. Expecting something from myself that I just wasnt capable of at the moment.

Its different for everyone. Everyone has their moment when they can move on, change, or make things better for themselves. Dont expect it to happen so soon. You will know when you know.

Take care wish you the best.....

justtired

You're right... he could call me. I'm surprised he hasn't and I'm wondering what he's thinking. I don't too much care what he's doing other than I hope he is still taking responsibility for our business and taking care of our animals.

I'm kind of dreading going home because I don't know how to follow up what happened. I don't really look to get anything at all out of another conversation, but of course we will talk. Would be kind of strange to leave for a week and then just show up like nothing happened.

Thank you for voicing that it's ok to take a break. It was so much easier thinking things through logically when not being in the situation. I'll be returning home tomorrow.

justtired

Thanks Cassandra. I do put a lot of pressure on myself to get things figured out and try to move on. I feel like I'm wasting valuable time if I'm not moving forward. I also feel pressure because I have a b-day coming up next month and I'm feeling that at my age, I need to move forward. Any time I waste could be spent building a life and having a family with someone without this problem. I guess I just need to find a balance between pushing myself and knowing when the time is right.