Blondie

Wow, my STXAH and I actually had a decent conversation about our soon to be divorce. He wants me and the kids to move back into the house so they can have their school, friends, and pool, etc. back and live as normal as possible. He was never around anyway, so it wouldn't seem different. He stated that he was getting a cheap place to live (hasn't found one yet) within walking distance of his job (and the bar) and he is working overtime to get the finances back in order. He stated that there is nobody else, just a friend (don't believe just a friend, but, whatever) and that he doesn't think we can live together because when he drinks he is fine until somebody or something upsets him, and then he becomes a monster. That shocked me when he admitted that as he was totally sincere and what he said was totally true!!! I was amazed that he finally realizes how alcohol effects him, but he still doesn't quit. Wait until his girlfriend sees the real him, boy what a shocker THAT will be for her.

He is still going to therapy and decided that HE needs to do what makes HIM happy. And he is not happy with me, and I told him I couldn't live with him and his alcoholism any more either and that I will do what is best for me and the boys. He doesn't want to get lawyers involved. That's to bad, as I have one on speed dial as I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. Mediation may be the answer as there are people that do that sort of thing at my counselor's office and yes, still seeing her. I'll ask her about that option as me and STXAH haven't argued in weeks (marriage counseling helped in that area a lot). So in a nutshell the truth is: He has chosen the alcohol over his family. He sounds like hell and looks worse. He also said that he feels like he is going crazy as he is happy one day then sad the next. And so the disease progresses. Sad. I am stressed about the divorce, but at the same time I am happy and feel serene (does that make sense) and relieved.

But the thought of raising two boys alone scares me to death!!! In reality I have been pretty much been raising them alone, but still, I am scared. My friends in al-anon help me with this fear and I am dealing with it - one day at a time.

I am now faced with the major decision: do I want to move back into the house or do I want to stay with my mother.

The pros for moving back into the house are: The boys can have their friends, pool, school, rooms, pets, and lives back.

The cons are: I haven't been able to find a job yet, but am still looking. I haven't worked in 18 years, but I volunteered at the school before. I hope somebody gives me a break. The house is falling apart and needs a lot of repairs. STXAH said he will pay child support and give us what they need and will not be a dead beat dad, but I can't trust that as the alcohol and other women will ALWAYS come first - ALWAYS.

The pros for living with my mother are: She can watch kids when I go to work at night, I'll be there to take care of her if she needs me, the rent to her would be cheaper then keeping the house, she can help me raise the kids, she really loves the boys and they love her and are very close to her.

The cons are: The boys will not go to the same schools (means a lot to them), will not see their friends, will not have their pool and swingset, etc, will not have their own rooms.

This is a tough decision for me and in the end it is a decision that only I can make. My boy's happiness and future are riding on my decision. But, does anybody have any thoughts on this?

gowest

how old are your boys?

Blondie

My boys are seven and ten.

Blondie

That's a good question. I believe it will be if I move back into the house (and have a job).

Still Waters

Nothing saying you can't go back and if things get bad, or you need more help etc. you can go back to your Mom's is there?

gowest

This is a good point.

I WANT TO SHOUT THIS -- YOUR BOY'S HAPPINESS AND FUTURE IS NOT DEPENDENT ON THEIR HOUSE OR WHAT SCHOOL THEY GO TO!!
They will have happy, sad, and in between moments no matter what decision you make!!!!

You will either not be able to make a clear decision or will make a decision and end up resentful with the above thinking swirling around in your brain.

You will make the best decision with the information you have. You will adjust your decision as need be and as time passes and new information becomes available to you.

My own personal experience going through a financially catastrophic life altering divorce (no I am not exaggerating) as a parent of two girls ages 13 & 15 would lead me to ask you the following questions and make some comments of my own:

What are your mother's expectations should you move in with her?
Will it make you feel trapped in any way?
Is she supportive or manipulative?
Will it create more or less guilt for you?

1. The kids' own rooms don't matter and are not a priority (and remember I am making two teenage girls who have never shared a room share one)-neither is the pool, swing set, etc
- living somewhere that feels "right" where you are not stressed out beyond all imagination because of the financial obligation/rent is important
- if you will lose your mind trying to stay in a house you can not afford that will be way worse for the kids than making the "material" adjustments to live a smaller but more financially secure life

2. staying in the same school - this was a priority for me and my daughters
- can you rent a small place in the school district that you can afford?
- if you stay in the house can you sock away the majority of every single child support check so that if you need to move to a smaller rental you will have the money to do so?
- do you own your current house? can you sell it? can you "share it" with another single mom and her kids to split expenses? (that would be ideal for me but I am in an apartment and can't have an off-lease person move in)

3. work
I am confused as to the fact that you don't have a job but say your mom can watch the kids at night when you go to work.
- Do you have work near her?
- can you stay at your mom's over the summer- work and save all the money so you can move back to the main residence when school starts?

Blondie

Good questions! Thanks, that's a lot to think about! My counselor said material possessions don't matter (just as you did). I guess I'm trying to make the best decision for them.

I will be getting a job when I can, and then my mother can watch the kids.

RobinsFly

Sounds like the income insecurity, home repairs, and maintenance are reasons for not staying in the old place. I understand the attachment to the bedrooms, friends, and play areas.
Those are really nice to have.

Perhaps try to weigh what will give YOU the most peace of mind. Financial stress is huge and your kids will pick up on that.

A stay at your mother's would only be temp, right? Can't you envision a situation for you and your kids in 6 to 12 months? What does that look like?
A smaller place, near a support system, less repairs?

You're making some big, difficult decisions now.
Hang in there.

gowest

I just want you to know that I completely understand how difficult and scary it is to go through this life change.

I have a job starting in September that won't cover my living expenses. Like you it has been a long time and I feel if some one is willing to hire me I will take it. I have to start somewhere!

My mother is my back up plan too.
I would like to not have to move in with her at this stage as I am desperate to stand on my own two feet and have my own life.
She would be thrilled to have me move in with the girls. Me not so much.

I worried for so many months about how each and every decision I was making was going to effect my daughters. One day after looking at a really really crappy 3 bedroom apartment to rent vs. a nice two bedroom, I realized that my quality of life was important too. I have also noticed that even my teenagers seem happier when I am less stressed about money and everything else.

I wish you strength and luck.

HoopNinja

I agree with the questions gowest poses--and what others have been saying.

Stuff is just that--stuff. It can be replaced. Look at what you cannot replace--that being a place of peace and security for you and your kids--and that does include financial security.

For me the school district is very important. Will we stay where their current school is--only if we sell the house and the boys and I move into something smaller that I can afford on my own salary. It would be great to expect AH to pay support--and he may, but I don't want to count on it because I don't want him to have any more control over my life.

So I know the kids will go to a good school in a safe neighborhood and the size of the house that I can afford in those neighborhoods are about half the size of the house we have now--but on the plus side--that is 50% less house to clean!!

But really, being on a tight budget, having your mom watch the kids if that is possible would be great. Also, gowest poses another good question--how is your relationship with your mom and will living with her strain your relationship, will she interfere in the way you raise your kids, etc. Not an option for me--but my mom was an alcoholic.

Can you sell the house and find something more affordable that will work for you and the kids? Also, house that needs fixing (that would make me run away immediately--working full time and taking care of 2 kids does not give me time to fix a lot of stuff and also hiring someone to do it for you vacuums your pocket of your hard earned salary).

Good luck. It is a tough decision. My kids are 4 and 8 and have special needs so schools were at the top of my list and I am trying to make the rest fit around that. I am sure there will be no end of moaning by my 8 year old about his life of deprivation (he is 8 years old and thinks he should have every electronic gadget in the world and an iPhone). I am a horrible mother--instead of a WiiFit I make him go outside and play (the horror, the horror)

Blondie

Yes, a lot to think about.

It is a tough decision and you have all given me a lot to think about. Thank you. This all will not happen for a few months (until STXAH finds another place), so I have time to think about all of this.

The house needs repairs but most can be done a few at a time. We don't own the pool, it is a neighborhood pool, so that isn't an expense. I had been volunteering a lot and taking care of the boys and the house, so there wouldn't be to much difference in the workload at home when I get a job (most of the laundry and food expenses were due to STXAH, plus his giant messes are gone too, please don't ask about that one LOL).

To me the most important thing personally would be getting my independence back. I don't want to depend on my STXAH for to much as he is unreliable. Maybe that is a flaw of mine, but I just am tired of depending on other people that don't deliver what they promise. I want to run my own life.

Also, I'm kind of cautious as I am starting to wonder if this is a way for STXAH to get us back into the house and then "conveniently" loosing his apartment for some reason and then trying to worm his way back into the house. He can be very manipulative.

He is 43 and sometimes I wonder if he is going through a midlife crisis on top of the alcohol problem.

Lots to think about. I'm going to take this up with my counselor on Thursday and I am praying to my HP for guidance (he has come through for me in many tough decisions before).

PurpleWilder

Please keep in mind that even if he moves out, if his name is on the house there is no legal barrier to keep him from walking in there anytime he wants. Not even a cop would stop him unless there was a restraining order in place. Even if you change the locks, I don't even think he would get in trouble if he broke a window to get in because there is nothing that says you can't break your own property.

Just something to think about.

FunnyOne

Blondie, and I am talking to myself too, you are taking on too much worry. What if's are pointless, unless they are just part of the planning process. Acknowledge the fear behind the what if's and then put it away. What if he tries to worm his way back in? Well, you will deal with it and say NO!

Why a night job? Why not a job when they are in school? Can mom come live with you in your house? If she sells hers it might be something that you are handling now rather than when she gets older.

I kind of think a little differently than some of the posts. Divorce is a huge change in and of itself, and I felt, and my kids counsellors agreed, that the less change you put on the kids, the better they fare. My fifteen year old actually told me that the thing that helps him the most is staying in his old routine. He said the baseball team helped him more than his shrink.

Sounds like you might want to hit the mediator sooner rather than later. Research the cost of an apartment, your fixed housing costs, his salary, etc. Then you will know if staying in the house is even do able. Craigs list also has alot of people renting out a room in their house. Usually XAH's that your husband might enjoy living with...misery loves company. With child and spousal support for a couple of years, you might make it work. Do you think you could list on Craigs list and rent out a room? These are all options. I actually will probably do a Kate and Ally living situation with a friend of mine this summer who is also divorcing an abusive AH. She is nesting (cycling in and out of their house so that the parents change abodes instead of the kids) until her divorce is final in 90 days.
Good Luck,
M

Thanks2HP

I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

I did great when my mother left my father when I was ten. We moved 1800 miles away, close to her family. Life was great. I did well in school and made a lot of friends. It was when we moved back and we started moving around almost every year, sometimes twice in one year, that things got bad. Being the new kid got really old.

I think your kids will adjust to a different school. I hope it's only one time though. I also agree with others who have said that material "stuff" doesn't matter as much as having a peaceful loving home. I didn't have either.

Best of luck to you.

isurvived

Your children will adjust in no time to new surroundings, being that they are young and have a stable home with you.

Now, teenagers are a different story... they have set friends, peer groups, and uprooting them is harder. I think divorce is hard on teens too — although my son has remarked so many times over the past two years that "home is such a great place now without dad here" - that says a lot.