Arrggghh.. goddammit.. take some responsibility..
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Arrggghh.. goddammit.. take some responsibility..
I've heard today that the possibility of a full trial and giving evidence is ever more likely.
I'm not shocked I suppose but I'm actually feeling a little bit peeved that on top of everything else he is going to put me through this. I suppose it is too much to ask for him to take some responsibility for his actions and just suck up the consequences? I'm living with the consequences of his actions every day and will do so for the rest of my life.
Where is step 4, step 5 , steps 8, 9 and 10? Where are the 12 steps in this? Where is the recovery in this person who has been 'sober' and attending AA and supposedly working a program for over 2 years?
Huh-oh.. I'm getting slightly ranty here I know, and ultimately there are some serious consequences he may have to face and that is his side of the street, but I'm just incredulous.
I'm not shocked I suppose but I'm actually feeling a little bit peeved that on top of everything else he is going to put me through this. I suppose it is too much to ask for him to take some responsibility for his actions and just suck up the consequences? I'm living with the consequences of his actions every day and will do so for the rest of my life.
Where is step 4, step 5 , steps 8, 9 and 10? Where are the 12 steps in this? Where is the recovery in this person who has been 'sober' and attending AA and supposedly working a program for over 2 years?
Huh-oh.. I'm getting slightly ranty here I know, and ultimately there are some serious consequences he may have to face and that is his side of the street, but I'm just incredulous.
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You would think that after everything he has done, the damage to you, the damage to his own life and where he has now ended up he would finally scratch his own head and say "Hmm did I do something wrong here??" "I wonder."
UUUUGH! I can only guess at your frustration. I can't believe the lack of accountability for far smaller things from my ABF. Can denial really be that powerful?
It doesn't take away the feeling, but could this whole lack of allocution on his part be the only way he can get past this with a lesser charge? Maybe he is banking that you will not stay around or would be afraid to appear in court against him leaving him off with a lesser count at best?
Alice.
UUUUGH! I can only guess at your frustration. I can't believe the lack of accountability for far smaller things from my ABF. Can denial really be that powerful?
It doesn't take away the feeling, but could this whole lack of allocution on his part be the only way he can get past this with a lesser charge? Maybe he is banking that you will not stay around or would be afraid to appear in court against him leaving him off with a lesser count at best?
Alice.
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tallulah, I see your nickname and I am always thankful what happened was "minor" compared to what COULD have happened.
I am sorry you are going through this, ughhhh perhaps you can be glad you are no longer living with this person? And that is just because of YOUR COURAGE.
This is the last time you will have to face him... I agree with Alice, of course he wants to minimize the consequences as much as possible. Remember they are "little Gods" and rules for regular beings do not apply to them...
Ughhh, I am glad you are free from all that (((tallulah)))
I am sorry you are going through this, ughhhh perhaps you can be glad you are no longer living with this person? And that is just because of YOUR COURAGE.
This is the last time you will have to face him... I agree with Alice, of course he wants to minimize the consequences as much as possible. Remember they are "little Gods" and rules for regular beings do not apply to them...
Ughhh, I am glad you are free from all that (((tallulah)))
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There is plenty of untreated alcoholism in the rooms of AA because I see it every day.
They are not drinking, but in my opinion, are even sicker than a wet drunk because they can't blame the behaviors/attitudes on alcohol anymore.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but it comes as no surprise to me that he takes no responsibility, based on what you've shared about him over the months.
:ghug :ghug
They are not drinking, but in my opinion, are even sicker than a wet drunk because they can't blame the behaviors/attitudes on alcohol anymore.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but it comes as no surprise to me that he takes no responsibility, based on what you've shared about him over the months.
:ghug :ghug
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
You would think that after everything he has done, the damage to you, the damage to his own life and where he has now ended up he would finally scratch his own head and say "Hmm did I do something wrong here??" "I wonder."
UUUUGH! I can only guess at your frustration. I can't believe the lack of accountability for far smaller things from my ABF. Can denial really be that powerful?
It doesn't take away the feeling, but could this whole lack of allocution on his part be the only way he can get past this with a lesser charge? Maybe he is banking that you will not stay around or would be afraid to appear in court against him leaving him off with a lesser count at best?
Alice.
UUUUGH! I can only guess at your frustration. I can't believe the lack of accountability for far smaller things from my ABF. Can denial really be that powerful?
It doesn't take away the feeling, but could this whole lack of allocution on his part be the only way he can get past this with a lesser charge? Maybe he is banking that you will not stay around or would be afraid to appear in court against him leaving him off with a lesser count at best?
Alice.
The sad thing is I am not surprised, just disappointed I suppose. My bad but I would have thought that this more than anything would get through to him. But then this is not the first time in a similar situation where consequences were to be faced and he did anything but face them.
Yeah, this is probably about minimising damage to himself and getting through it with the least trouble possible. Who knows.. I've realised trying to understand him and his motives are beyond my capabilities.
I suppose I have to remain calm and stoic and what will be will be.. *sigh*. I have to say though, right now I'm feeling incredibly frustrated and it feels like another little area he can do damage to me.
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
tallulah, I see your nickname and I am always thankful what happened was "minor" compared to what COULD have happened.
I am sorry you are going through this, ughhhh perhaps you can be glad you are no longer living with this person? And that is just because of YOUR COURAGE.
This is the last time you will have to face him... I agree with Alice, of course he wants to minimize the consequences as much as possible. Remember they are "little Gods" and rules for regular beings do not apply to them...
Ughhh, I am glad you are free from all that (((tallulah)))
I am sorry you are going through this, ughhhh perhaps you can be glad you are no longer living with this person? And that is just because of YOUR COURAGE.
This is the last time you will have to face him... I agree with Alice, of course he wants to minimize the consequences as much as possible. Remember they are "little Gods" and rules for regular beings do not apply to them...
Ughhh, I am glad you are free from all that (((tallulah)))
Yes of course. I keep forgetting the God complex. My therapist said that I had been dehumanised during the course of our relationship and particularly in the latter stages.. so I suppose my feelings and hurting me don't even come into his thinking. To him I'm just a thing devoid of emotion.
I'm glad too TC999.. just when I wonder if maybe, just maybe, he has had a little clarity or an epiphany and I wonder whether he is doing all he can to seek the best life possible and really work his recovery.. a big old reminder comes to whack me in the face that he probably isn't.. very sad indeed..
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"I suppose my feelings and hurting me don't even come into his thinking"
You would think they would, but that would be expecting him to behave like a normal person. He is diseased. His disease is chronic and progressive and from what you say, it does not seem it is being treated at all.
If he thought about your feelings and hurt he would be a decent man, not the reckless monster that threw things at you.
This is just a reminder of why you left, and you are doing very well yourself
You would think they would, but that would be expecting him to behave like a normal person. He is diseased. His disease is chronic and progressive and from what you say, it does not seem it is being treated at all.
If he thought about your feelings and hurt he would be a decent man, not the reckless monster that threw things at you.
This is just a reminder of why you left, and you are doing very well yourself
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
There is plenty of untreated alcoholism in the rooms of AA because I see it every day.
They are not drinking, but in my opinion, are even sicker than a wet drunk because they can't blame the behaviors/attitudes on alcohol anymore.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but it comes as no surprise to me that he takes no responsibility, based on what you've shared about him over the months.
:ghug :ghug
They are not drinking, but in my opinion, are even sicker than a wet drunk because they can't blame the behaviors/attitudes on alcohol anymore.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but it comes as no surprise to me that he takes no responsibility, based on what you've shared about him over the months.
:ghug :ghug
During our relationship the quiet little voice inside me.. the one that I ignored.. said 'is he really working this', 'is this what recovery really looks like' etc. I wondered whether alcohol was really the problem.. it always looked like a symptom to me. I realise how completely uneducated I was. Since coming to the SR family, attending Al-anon, attending therapy and seeing AA members who are truly working their recovery I see how little I knew and understood.
I've not seen or heard from him for a couple of months and each time something comes up in the legal logistics I catch myself wondering, is this the day I am told he holds his hands up and it can be over with no further involvement from me, is this the day I'm released from this turbulence.. is this the day he actually sees me as a human being and stops trying to drag me through his crap and under.
I suppose the only thing I can do is keep on keeping on.. cross each bridge as I come to it and the rest of the time keep on trucking with getting my life back in shape.
:ghug
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
"I suppose my feelings and hurting me don't even come into his thinking"
You would think they would, but that would be expecting him to behave like a normal person. He is diseased. His disease is chronic and progressive and from what you say, it does not seem it is being treated at all.
If he thought about your feelings and hurt he would be a decent man, not the reckless monster that threw things at you.
This is just a reminder of why you left, and you are doing very well yourself
You would think they would, but that would be expecting him to behave like a normal person. He is diseased. His disease is chronic and progressive and from what you say, it does not seem it is being treated at all.
If he thought about your feelings and hurt he would be a decent man, not the reckless monster that threw things at you.
This is just a reminder of why you left, and you are doing very well yourself
Yep.. another whack in the face to remind me that what transpired was for the best even if it didn't look like it at the time.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
maybe FOR HIM this is his best life POSSIBLE, maybe this IS his recovery in action......who knows? it's HIS stuff, HIS life.
there's a time when we gotta fish or cut bait, tallulah darlin, and i think your time is nigh! how about YOU just do all YOU can to live the best life YOU possibly can, and your really work YOUR recovery, and let the rest of the world handle their own stuff, ex's included.
and get yourself a damn good lawyer.
there's a time when we gotta fish or cut bait, tallulah darlin, and i think your time is nigh! how about YOU just do all YOU can to live the best life YOU possibly can, and your really work YOUR recovery, and let the rest of the world handle their own stuff, ex's included.
and get yourself a damn good lawyer.
I am anvil.. I'm working hard (yes with the occasional blip but still trying to put one step in front of the other every day). Which what makes this all the more frustrating. I'm trucking along attaining one little milestone, one little goal at a time.. and then his name looms up and I'm reminded not so much of what happened (I only have to look at the scar on my face and my hand or to feel the pain of trying to do up my jeans to remember that).. but of the whole swirling around in his quagmire thing. Time for another uggghhh.
In this country it is the 'state' that prosecutes him for the criminal offence.. 'the Crown'. From the moment he was arrested it is nothing to do with me apart from I'm the victim and a witness. So I suppose that's something to be grateful for.. I don't have to run around looking for legal representation.
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Well, my AH still hasn't apologized, made ammends or even mentioned the financial and marital and parental messes he left behind. Hasn't acknowledged that this might even be painful in the least for me. It's like it never happened. Nobody talks about it, not him, not the kids. So I understand where you are coming from. This horrible awful terrible thing has happened and you have the emotional and physical scars to prove it but he is still pretending it's a figment of your imagination.
Well, what others have said is true....you ARE a nonentity to him. Read up on Narcissism....he has already rationalized this away...and moved on to vampire someone elses energy.
If you want to think kindly of him, he MIGHT be instructed by his attorney to say NOTHING until the trial is over. Maybe believing that, which is usually true, will help you through the difficult days until the trial is over.
HUGS, M
Well, what others have said is true....you ARE a nonentity to him. Read up on Narcissism....he has already rationalized this away...and moved on to vampire someone elses energy.
If you want to think kindly of him, he MIGHT be instructed by his attorney to say NOTHING until the trial is over. Maybe believing that, which is usually true, will help you through the difficult days until the trial is over.
HUGS, M
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Originally Posted by FunnyOne
Well, my AH still hasn't apologized, made ammends or even mentioned the financial and marital and parental messes he left behind. Hasn't acknowledged that this might even be painful in the least for me. It's like it never happened. Nobody talks about it, not him, not the kids. So I understand where you are coming from. This horrible awful terrible thing has happened and you have the emotional and physical scars to prove it but he is still pretending it's a figment of your imagination.
Well, what others have said is true....you ARE a nonentity to him. Read up on Narcissism....he has already rationalized this away...and moved on to vampire someone elses energy.
If you want to think kindly of him, he MIGHT be instructed by his attorney to say NOTHING until the trial is over. Maybe believing that, which is usually true, will help you through the difficult days until the trial is over.
HUGS, M
Well, what others have said is true....you ARE a nonentity to him. Read up on Narcissism....he has already rationalized this away...and moved on to vampire someone elses energy.
If you want to think kindly of him, he MIGHT be instructed by his attorney to say NOTHING until the trial is over. Maybe believing that, which is usually true, will help you through the difficult days until the trial is over.
HUGS, M
Thank you
:ghugHe is not allowed to contact me by court order and hasn't been able to do so since the night the incident happened. Made going no contact a whole lot easier.. so silver lining right there. That aside and from what I know, being able to contact me would probably make no difference anyway. I can't go into detail but suffice to say it relates to the jist of my thread.. taking responsibility. When it is all over I won't be holding my breath expecting any kind of heartfelt remorse, apology, amends...nothing.
I'm loathed to diagnose him with any mental disorder or personality disorder. Not because I think he doesn't have one, but because I'm not qualified to do so.. even after living with the guy. But I think I wouldn't be wrong in saying alcohol is not his only problem. If he has found another hostage.. good luck to her.. she'll sure need it.. if for nothing more than to get over the crushing disappointment of his 'little friend'.
That last bit was cruel.. but unfortunately not inaccurate.
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Hi Tallulah, I've been off work so not on here much, have been thinking about you, I'm still in the same boat, I think he intends to plead Not Guilty and I too will be the whitness.
I felt just like you when it first happened but now I don't think of it, It will happen anyway so leave it in the lap of the Gods.
You sound like you are doing well, it is all just a process, I see that only now.
I'm just glad that your 'consequences' will be good ones from now on and you couldn't have said that whilst youi were with him before, could you?
Lots of love and thoughts,
cxcxcx
I felt just like you when it first happened but now I don't think of it, It will happen anyway so leave it in the lap of the Gods.
You sound like you are doing well, it is all just a process, I see that only now.
I'm just glad that your 'consequences' will be good ones from now on and you couldn't have said that whilst youi were with him before, could you?
Lots of love and thoughts,
cxcxcx
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I certainly wish all women out there were healthy enough and had healthy boundaries and "antennae"(lol not sure about the spelling) so this monster can find no victim and no one else has to suffer domestic abuse at his hands. Sadly, the planet I describe is not this Earth. I am just grateful he is no longer in your life!
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Originally Posted by bearfeet
Hi Tallulah, I've been off work so not on here much, have been thinking about you, I'm still in the same boat, I think he intends to plead Not Guilty and I too will be the whitness.
I felt just like you when it first happened but now I don't think of it, It will happen anyway so leave it in the lap of the Gods.
You sound like you are doing well, it is all just a process, I see that only now.
I'm just glad that your 'consequences' will be good ones from now on and you couldn't have said that whilst youi were with him before, could you?
Lots of love and thoughts,
cxcxcx
I felt just like you when it first happened but now I don't think of it, It will happen anyway so leave it in the lap of the Gods.
You sound like you are doing well, it is all just a process, I see that only now.
I'm just glad that your 'consequences' will be good ones from now on and you couldn't have said that whilst youi were with him before, could you?
Lots of love and thoughts,
cxcxcx
Yeah... one good thing about this is it is out of my hands.. as regards what happens to him so it is easy to 'let go'. It's just frustrating isn't it when someone doesn't appear to be 'owning' it and putting you through the mill at the same time. But nothing I can do so.. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and moving toward a better life.
Lots of love and best wishes to you too. Keep well, safe and smiling.. :ghug3
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I certainly wish all women out there were healthy enough and had healthy boundaries and "antennae"
it seems that if you did or didn't follow any gut feelings toward it this time... your reaction senses are Sure Sharpened for any that follow.
it seems that if you did or didn't follow any gut feelings toward it this time... your reaction senses are Sure Sharpened for any that follow.
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