spiritedgrl123

Today has been yet another day of struggle but I do see light, and know that the only way to it is through it. I haven’t called/emailed EXABF yet to tell him he can come and get his stuff on Thursday, but will tonight. For some reason I have actually been thinking about being there when he comes to get his stuff. Why should he get to walk away without any discomfort when I am feeling like this?? Still heart sick over how it all came about. He should have to feel some pain in it too, why make it easy on him?

I haven’t received a child support check for my son in almost a month, money is SUPER tight as I just put him in braces 2 mths ago, so today I decide to call his father (whom has only seen him once when he was 3 weeks old, and whom I haven’t spoken to in almost 9 years) His father answers the phone and we ACTUALLY talked. It was funny but a lot of the anger and resentment I have had for him all these years was just gone, and all I wanted was him to see that his son needed support. He assured me that if Unemployment doesn’t take it out of this upcoming check-he will call them and have it taken care of. (of course this was AFTER I reminded him that per our court order HE is responsible for HALF of all uncovered dental expenses) The worst part of it is the Company he worked for went under so he is without a job in this economy. We even talked about maybe him seeing his son and what that would mean, etc. It was just a conversation I could not imagine having with him BEFORE AlAnon.

I’m still stressed over finances but I have been a single mom for 12 years and God has always provided for us. I’m heartbroken over the EXABF and wish that all of that mess was behind me instead of looming ahead, but I know the only way to it is through it. And I found out last night that my son wants to go with a friend Friday night and Sat night, so it looks like I am on my own for my first Memorial Day without the EXABF. What I’ll do I have NO IDEA, other than get my butt to my Friday night meeting…

I just can’t pull myself out of this funk this week, maybe that is why I am thinking of being there when he comes. Maybe I am thinking he’ll see me and want things back the way they were last summer before we both went crazy….

Any ESH would be awesome….thanks:praying

FunnyOne

Thats the same magical thinking that I get stuck in. Truth is, he isn't in pain. If he was, he would be sharing it with you, begging you back, bargaining. A's don't feel pain, they medicate it. He is being totally self centered. Truth is, he could have left you with the grill as a parting gift. He doesn't care about your pain over this, does he? And aren't you worth more than that. When I start to think magically I put on a little girl tiara and look in the mirror at how silly I look. The reality is that he hurt you and now you have to move ahead and heal the hurt, learn the lessons, and get on with your and your son's lives. Hugs

Freedom1990

Every single time that I had contact with the EXAH after I left him, I did nothing but create more pain for myself, and go into a tailspin for days.

Insanity = doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

What was the result of this last attempt to make things work with the two of you, honestly?

He's demonstrated to you time and time again what he is unable to give.

I sincerely hope you take your power back, and quit handing it over to him by having any sort of contact, face-to-face or otherwise.

You deserve so much better than that, and so does your son because you can't tell me that it doesn't take away from your son when you're all in your head/in a funk over the ex.

:ghug :ghug

silkspin

hi spirited, a few weeks ago working the first step with my al anon group, this type of thing came up. For a long time, I would play the victim, give the cold shoulder to AH and basically made him feel like crap, after a drinking episode. I felt like you - how could I even let him see me smiling - that would mean that everything is ok and I have to let him know and punish him because I'm suffering.

How long have you been in al anon? I've realized that what I was really doing was taking things away from myself. When I was busy moping around to prove how bad his drinking made things for us, I was taking away my own ability to laugh, have fun, move on with my life etc. It's hard when you feel you want to make them feel the hurt. What I needed to do was get out of that mindset. It's not up to me in this life, to prove any sort of point to anyone else. If I feel hurt I will say it, and then move on. How much time I wasted, and it didn't have the effect I wanted anyway. When I truly let go of him and focused on me, he changed. He went to AA. And this weekend, after a couples meeting, we were talking about how I used to have so much anxiety and anger over him not being home so late on so many nights, and he apologized. So I did get my validation, but not in the unhealthy way that I tried for so long.

Just keep saying to yourself that it is not your place to teach him a lesson, regardless of the pain he's caused you. Also, the more I learned about alcoholism, the more I realized how much pain/discomfort AH had on his own. Work on healing your pain. The biggest power you can have is by not giving him the satisfaction of your time/effort/love etc.

LucyA

You know he'd just love it if you were there don't you? He'd know exactly why you were there and he'd see your pain before you knew it was hurting.
If you feel the need to teach him a lesson or something, show him that you have a life and you're too busy to be there, and make sure you really are too busy, go do something good for a while.

cassandra2

I understand exactly where you are. Imaging to yourself that if he saw how much pain you were in that he would see the LIGHT and everything would be A OK!

Its not wrong of you to feel that way. It really isnt. You feel what you feel.

The man I was with, the man I fell in love with REALLY USED to CARE about ME and MY feelings. He REALLY CARED about me and all of his ACTIONS showed it. I didnt NEED to hear him say I LOVE YOU because I felt it everyday. He treated me with respect. He treated me like GOLD.

The man he is today lies to me. Treats me worse then I could have EVER possible IMAGINE. On Mother's Day he couldnt even muster up the strength to say HAPPY MOTHER'S day for crying out loud.

But you know what suddenly it dawned on me I DONT DESERVE THIS. NOT FROM ANYONE!!! I dont care if once upon a time......That was then and this is NOW. I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT PERIOD. I am the mother of his child and I will not accept the behavior that he is now exhibiting to me. I didnt cause it. I did NOTHING wrong.

I am NOT trying to toot my horn here. I just want to say that I didnt always feel that way. I TOOK IT IN THE A$$ FOR 7 MONTHS before I realized that.....Sorry to be so crass but thats the way I look at it.

Have HOPE you will get there too......We all do.....You can only take so much abuse.....