dorton

As many of you know my 20yo AS has been home from rehab for about a month. We had had one set back, but over all I though all was going ok. He was looking for a job, had taken a couple jobs cutting grass and was to go tomorrow to begin another tempory job. Then this evening he asks my other son to put gas in his car for him and my other son comes back and says he found a wrapper from a syringe in the car. Husband asks AS about wrapper he says he doesn;t know where it came from must have fallen out of someone's pocket. We also found a small bruise on the inside of the bend of his arm looked like a needle mark. He said he couldn't use the bathroom to take a drug test and things kept getting worse and he left. We took his cell phone and told him that when he gets his life back together he can come back. But of course I am having mommy doubts. Should we have taken the phone he has left before but we have always let him keep the phone. It is killing me knowing that I have no way to get in touch with him if I want to. I haven't called him before when he left but I had that comfort of knowing I could. Was seeing what looked like a needle mark enough to let him leave< I just have so many doubts and really need some reassurance and tons of prayers. I am so scared that this will push him into doing something to support his habit that will end him in jail.

dorton

He didn't refuse to take the test, he went to the bathroom several times and couldn't use the bathroom. Can't tell if the attitude was being accused of something or because he was guilty.

outtolunch

You had a setback too? I thought he had the set back, shortly after returning home.

No doubt he probably used that phone to put his setback into motion.

The only thing that will push him into doing something to support his habit, is his habit. These are his choices and all choices have consequences.

And yeah....it's a killer on the mommy front - we have to grow up too and accept that we have no control over our adult children. This is the real hard part.

Freedom1990

As a former IV drug user myself, I didn't hit a bottom and get help until I was face down in the dirt with no one to cushion the fall for me anymore. When I spiraled downward, it was quick.

You did the right thing. :ghug :ghug

dorton

I never said his brother paid for the gas only that he took the car and put the gas in it. AS paid for the gas. That is one of the mysteries to me is why he still had money he mowed the grass Sat. afternoon,

marle

Given the circumstances, you did what you felt was right. Don't second guess yourself. Trust your gut on this one. Back in October when my daughter was still living at home she drank. She reeked of alcohol but totally denied doing anything wrong. Then I found the pictures on her friend's MySpace page. (daughter had accidentally left the page up). We asked her to move out. She complied and, to my knowledge, has not used anything since. I say, to my knowledge, because it is her life and I no longer help her financially in any way and so I no longer need to have that front row to her addiction or her recovery. The consequences are hers. Same for your son. It really is much easier that way. Hugs, Marle

barblsn

absolutely. Had I done that 3 years ago, I would avoided a HUGE mess.

And come on, he tried but he couldn't go to the bathroom? Eventually, EVERYBODY has to go. That always cracked me up when I was an addiction counselor when we would give the client the cup to pee in, and they would simply say "I can't go". EVER? I would ask? Have a cup of coffee and give it a minute. You'll have to go. And.....refusal for the urine tox was an assumed positive.

You did the right thing.

winnie12

in drug court they will hold a kid until they can go 99% of the time if they say this they have a dirty screen. I agree with others - if one event happened i would give the benefit of the doubt but all of it together is too much proof of use. You really had no choice - he broke the boundary and you had to enforce - had you not enforced it you would have been telling him that its okay to use sometimes as long as he has good excuses.

dorton

Your right but it is still so hard. There seems to be no end to this he!! and I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. I know I shouldn't let him have the phone back but that is a 2 way street it also helps me to deal and to sleep 5 minutes a night instead of none.

winnie12

Dorton - you do what you gotta do to get through this.
Remember there's nothing you can do about the hell he chooses to live in but you do have a choice about whether or not you live there with him.

cece1960

(((Dorton)))
You don't have to give the phone back, but you can, if you will rest easier.
I understand your pain, as I've been through it more times than I care to recall.

You have given him a gift of choice...make healthy solid ones and the door is open. He chose to behave in a way that does not follow the rules set in the house. Therefore, he chose to not stay there.

You didn't throw him out.

Hang in there
(((Hugs)))

MyJoey

Dorton,
I have been there with my son and the cell phone, I did let him keep the phone while he was on the run from our house because if anything happened to him the police could ping the phone to find him, that was a big fear for me. So you do what you have to do. I know this whole addiction thing is so hard, it leaves the family in turmoil while the addict is just a happy camper doing drugs. Hopefully he will wake up soon and be ready to clean up, remember it is normal for addicts to slip up, rarely do they get clean and stay clean the first try. I find myself already preparing for that fall. I am really sorry you have to deal with this. Julie

Daisy09

I'm sorry, but I feel really upset about this and need to comment on it.

I think we, as non-addicts, need to be really careful about making statements like this. I know for one that my husband is NOT a "happy camper" despite his heroin addiction. He is full of shame, fear, sadness and powerlessness. There are, I'm sure, lots of people in the world who are doing drugs/drinking/whatever for the fun of it, but I think if someone has turned to a forum like this it is safe to assume that the "recreational" time has passed and been replaced by a daily living hell.

I have spent a lot of time reading other forums, in particular the drug addiction forum. NONE of these people sounds to me as though they're having a good time. If you haven't visited it, it is a really good way to get a first-person perspective on things. Many have lost everything they hold dear in this world.

~Daisy

Jody Hepler

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Are you getting to any F2F meetings - or some counseling for yourself? Alanon literally saved my sanity and my life. Hearing the stories of those who had walked the path - and the hugs!

Two things I remember so clearly that a professional told me:
1. I was either part of the problem or part of the solution.
2. Most addicts want to get better when you take away all the pillows.

My now recovering AS says: Mom, why did you put up with me for so long? I was just awful to you. You couldn't have done anything. My drugs were the most important thing in my life.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train!

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Impurrfect

((Daisy)) - I understand what you're saying, as a recovering addict. However, as Julie and Winnie can tell you, both their addicts are teenage boys and what they have seen of addicts IS "happy campers" out using. There are those, like your husband and I who have lost a lot, and there are many who are using and could seem to care less what it does to their family. Personally, having been a "happy camper" AND "miserable" it doesn't bother me to what Julie said. At one time, she was exactly right.

((Dorton)) - I'm sorry you're going through this. FWIW, the IV drugs would show up in the drug screen for over 24 hours, so him saying "I can't go" was totally BS. Certainly, he has had to "go" by now. That, with the other things, as has been said, point to active use.

As far as the phone, I totally agree with everyone else...do what you feel best with. There are no rules, no wrong or right. Everyone has to do what they're most comfortable with.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

dorton

Thanks my husband put the phone on the front porch so he can get it if he comes by, don't know that he will though. He isn't home to take a test now. I think he would have passed if he had taken one yesterday as I think this happened on Fri night. There really wasn't much time before he blew up and left. I don't know anymore I just want to curl up in a ball until all of this passes. But I know I can't life goes on.

ex D-Boy

sorry to hear about your current situation dorton. It almost mimics my exact situation from my time in addiction. I am 23 former IV heroin addict as well and I moved back in with my parents at 21 to try and beat this thing with them. Many instances like the one you are going through also happened between my parents and me.

Just wanted to give you a few tips, if you are set on finding out whether he is using or not. Its often not a good way to judge by looking at his arms for small red circles or bruises. These marks can last on a person for months (sometimes even longer if the person is re-using the same old dull needle over and over) So even if a person is clean for multiple months expect there to still be some indication of an injection mark, the skin takes a long time to heal (it will heal though) from amateur needle use.

The whole thing with not being able to go to the bathroom at the current time. He is human, and its not always possible to go when called upon. However, the fact that he then started an arguement and left leads me to believe he would have came up dirty. I used this tactic many times with my parents, I would turn the whole situation away from testing into how they don't trust their son and how embarassing and depressed that makes me feel. Then I would storm out still claiming I would pass the test if I could go to the bathroom (not true). A good tip you can use if you want to randomly test your son is the morning you suspect he is using (before he is up as I am sure both you and your husband wake up before your son) put the cover of the toilet seat down and leave a little cup on top of it. Every person uses the bathroom when they first awake and there is no way he would not be able to see the cup. If he still doesn't take the test or then says he can't go you got your answer.

Your son is still very young to where this addiction doesn't have to severely damage him physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. stay strong dorton ~~ things can get better.

outtolunch

My daughter has done the same bait and switch tactic, too many times. It causes us to focus on the tantrum and not what's really going on.

First time my daughter was on a run with the cell phone we paid for, she managed to rack up a $900 cell phone bill and none of the calls/text messages were to home. My best guess is she traded minutes for dope.

What do I know?
- Just another mom

winnie12

funny - Amy knows me so well she just wrote almost verbatum what i was going to say. Our kids are in the beginning stages and its still a party for them - obviously it changes over time but this is just our experiences.

MyJoey

Daisy,

I am sorry if your upset by what I said, I didn't mean that for everyone or every addict. This is what I have seen in my son, see he is to young 17 to have lost everything that matters to him yet. OOO don't get me wrong he has lost and sold off many of his and my things to feed his addiction but that didn't hurt him, it hurt me. In his mind we shouldn't worry about his drug use, he knows what he is doing. If we would get off his back and just let him get high/ stoned he would just be a happy camper with his drugs.
I don't know the story of your husband but since he is full of shame, fear, sadness and powerlessness I take it he is in recovery because he has hit a bottom and now wants to change his life or maybe he is getting close to his bottom. My son has not hit a bottom, we forced his bottom with having him arrested many times in order to get him to a rehab for help. He was far from a "recreational" user unless that term has changed and means less then daily. I have also seen him in withdraw, sick for days on end, sleeping for days and the look of death on his face. My saying a happy camper is just what I have seen in my sons attitude towards drugs, not every addict. I hope that clears it up a little.

Dorton, Sorry to taking over your post, I just wanted to clear that up.