Ago

I am a sober alcoholic

Almost all of my friends are sober alcoholics

My family is not sober, but I wouldn't talk to them after 2 PM so I very rarely had to deal with actual drunkenness, when I did encounter drunkeness, I could (and would) just leave.

So, for the last nearly twenty years, the truth of the matter is I haven't really had to deal with very many actual "drunk people", practicing alcoholics, yes, the behaviors that accompany alcoholism drove me around the bend and here to this forum....

But not actual drunk people.

I had a call from a "wet drunk" last night, a guy that's been unable to get sober for the last few years in AA.

It was insane, he was insane, he IS insane

When I read the word alcoholic here, frequently I put my own value on the word, ie because most of the alcoholics I know, generally have a pretty strong program and have over 15 years of sobriety, most around 20 years. If they don't have long term sobriety, they at least have the willingness to get sober or I last about five minutes with them before I am gone.

I forgot what drunk people "look" like.

I'd like to make an amends to this board, I truly forgot how insane practicing alcoholics really are somehow. I literally.......forgot. I remember how hurtful all of the behaviors are, but not....how they smell....how they look....how they sound....how absolutely little sense they make, and how insane their denial is while active.

I forgot how insane they made me, how angry, how confused, how belittled, how I questioned my own reality...I couldn't even see straight much less think straight I was so spun.

I'm really very sorry.

All of you here have my total respect and support, and admiration, for the courage to face, and change your circumstances.

I need to remember when I read the word "alcoholic" here it doesn't mean to me what it does to you.

Still Waters

Thanks Ago, but you know what? I hope and pray that one day I'll be just like you, and have forgotten exactly how bad it really is 'cause I haven't had to deal with it in so long. I really do.

:ghug3

Mambo Queen

I just wanted to say that I appreciated this post because sometimes it really is hard to convey the reality of the situation to anyone who hasn't been in it. It's like....unbelievable to right-thinking people that someone could be so crazy, especially someone who at times is able to say and do the right things. But the drunken craziness that most of us have born witness to on this board is truly traumatic, and I appreciate you acknowledging that.

steve11694

Ago; Thanks and God bless you

Still Waters

You're right Mambo Queen. If I had a dime for every time I've said, "I don't even know how to explain the crazy to you...it's that crazy."

And then to have the AH turn around and appear completely sane and sober while telling everyone how it's all me.

Speaking of traumatic, I really do think that I suffer from something like PTSD.

blessed4x

Every time another person "gets it" I feel a little less crazy for all I lived (past tense) with. I am thankful for all of the people here who do get it, and I am thankful for you, Ago.

Jadmack25

Some months back I had the worst angina attack I have ever had, and really thought it was the end for me. A new cardio specialist from the good ol' US of A, had just moved here to practice at my local hospital and he looked over my charts etc. He also took the time to ask and LISTEN to my struggle with my ABF and the drinking hell I had been in for some 18 years. He worked out that within a month or two of any BAD experiences and stress, I had angina worse than usual. The last attack was a doozy because I had been under constant stress and worry, but NOT because of ABF as he was sober and supportive.

He said he did a personal study of women he treated for various heart problems due to PTS and after checking with them, at least 70% were or had been in alcoholic relationships. He told me that after hearing what some of these women has gone thru, he felt he had had an "easy" time in Vietnam. That comment threw me.

We do not realise just what hell our bodies and minds are going thru, and how dangerous this "eggshell tip toe" dance we so often do, really can be.

Thank God, my ABF is still sober, doing his own program and all is fine.

gowest

Ago, that was a beautiful post.
It made me miss the man my exabf used to be.

It is also a painful reminder for some of us of why/how we fell so deeply in love with the addict in our life when they were actively working their recovery.

Some of us met our addict when they were sober like you. They wrote us the most beautiful and sensitive emails we've ever received. When they relapsed into that "other active non-sober person" we cling on because we so desperately want that man who we first met back.

sigh ....
it is hard ...
it is sad ...

TakingCharge999

Ago, thank you for your post, it is very meaningful to me.

All this resembles a "war" between alkies & codies, and you are a messenger from the alkies saying "we acknowledge the destruction of your castles"...

Its true, if no one has "officially" said some of us have suffered PTSD, well I know I had all the symptoms. I am glad we can find support and we are able to heal from it, in some sense we are the lucky ones.

I also feel relief knowing others get it, its SO frustrating when people talk when they have no idea of the deep destruction and the sad alkie/codie dance.

I agree knowing them before and after, is one of the saddest chain of events one can witness.

What gives me solace is faith I will see him again (the sober one, probably after we are long gone...) and I can somehow tell him I loved him and I always had a place in my heart for him, because above anything else, he gave me the happiest moments of my life, and he was the catalyst I needed for deep change in my life. And that there was no one else I missed more than him.

tallulah

If there is one thing living through my situation with the A has taught me is that until you walk a mile in someone's shoes you can't understand.. and even then, to truly understand you have to be that person and feel their feelings, experience their experience etc.

I think back now to the times when I have seen in the media women in a similar situation to mine and I have said to myself, 'get out.. leave.. can't you see what he is doing'. And yet there I was.

It is humbling and enlightening.

laurie6781

Ah yes, a REAL WET ONE. I do believe to this day, there is nothing better for a recovering alcoholic to do a 12 step call on a REAL WET ONE at least every 6 months. Keeps this disease (affliction, whatever you want to call it) in perspective.

Your apology is more than accepted. I know I am a bit crazy, but I still love to go on a 12 Step to a WET ONE. Those 12 step calls keep me in reality. Reality of what it is still like out there, and reality of where I could end up again if I get complacent.

My years in Al-Anon btw have helped me immensely in said 12 Step calls.

Love and hugs,

Ago

This part I absolutely didn't forget

I'm....overwhelmed

Thank you for all of the "Thank You's" and kind responses

It means a lot to me

Tarheel

A,

I'm very, very proud of you.

xoxo
TH

MissFixit

Thanks for recognizing that insanity.

It is easy to get a bit removed from it and then, splat. It comes slapping you in the face and you are thinking "what??????"

freya

Ago, thanks for a great post! It speaks volumes to the power and depth of this disease that even someone with the level of and time in recovery that you have can be so easily and so quickly affected by having to deal with a non-recovering A.

OMG, how IHATE falling into that trap of "questioning my own reality"! But I've found that, for me, the feeling associated with that is a really important and tell-tale feeling...because it's a sure sign that I'm dealing with someone totally entrenched in dysfunction who's trying to lead me down a path it's definitely not in my best interest to travel. It's one of those feelings that I've got a pet-name for ("total reality replacement") and I've learned to recognize and name it very quickly so that, as soon I start down that road, a big "STOP: DANGER AHEAD" warning immediately appears in my mind...and I get the h*ll out of that situation as fast as I can!!!!

Glad you're out of it, too!

freya

Still Waters

Yes, Total Reality Replacement. That's good.

"I once had a patient that...."
"uh..you aren't a doctor"...
"You need help, seriously."


"When I was in nursing school..."
"you never went to nursing school..."
"I'm not going to play these games with you, grow up"

*- alcoholic
*- me

MissFixit

Still waters,

That is funny. Sad. True. But funny. A family member was told for 3-4 months that I was being given a Range Rover for Christmas a couple years ago. Christmas day rolls around and she calls me. "Well," she says. "What," I say. "Do you like it?" "Like what, my clothes? Yes, I picked them out." "No. The Range Rover L bought you!" "Ugh. There is no RR, no car, just clothes I picked out on sale." She proceeds to tell me how he has been telling her detailed descriptions about picking it out, customizing it, ordering it, receiving it and putting a bow on it..... I asked him about this and he said that I needed to stop forcing him to buy me a RR. WHAT!!!! He told a couple friends about it too. They thought very poorly of me for a long time, believing his story.

Talk about Fantasy Island. Maybe we could call it pulling a Mr. Rourke?

Still Waters

Whoa MissFixit! That's total reality replacement! With mine there was always a kernel of truth.

He worked for a while as an orderly in a hospital, this has grown into a medical career.

His Mother is a nurse, so he "went" to nursing school since he observed her studying for her degree.

There are others that are totally made up too.

I'm guessing that these type things make it difficult for them to get a hold of recovery, maybe it's too painful to face the lies? I dunno.

MissFixit

I didn't know it was that odd for an A. I kind of thought it had something to do with the lying for what seemed like no apparent reason.

isurvived

Must be common for them to "make stuff up" - it was about 4 years into our marriage, that my AH stuck by his story of owning a black Dodge van with custom interior. It was said to be stored at his parents home, way on the other side of the country. There never was a van. It was a made up story.

Another thing I discovered (only after having a convo with one of my AH high school friends who'd expressed concern for his addiction) was that an accident that my AH had during college was no innocent accident - he was intoxicated at the time.

And last but not least, I just this last year was told by another member of the family that my AH's father (now deceased) was not actually his real father! My AH has known this since he was 15 years old, but never shared it with me - his wife of 27 years! That takes the prize, I think!

Denial is truly a river in Egypt!