Those old feelings came back again-Really need some ESH today
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 50
Those old feelings came back again-Really need some ESH today
EXABF emailed me Sat to let me know that he would be redoing his Myspace page and hoped that I wouldn’t be offended when he does. (Funny how I’ve never known him to have any interest in it since we met but now he wants to redo his page-sounds like marketing strategy to me. He also wrote “For now, let me know if you want to be there or not when I come and get my bike and grill and we’ll figure out a day.” Not asking me-but telling me. Of course I don’t want to be there.
I wrote back and told him that I don’t really go to his page anymore, but should I wander there and find any changes he makes causes me pain, I will just delete him for good. And that I would discuss him getting his things with my sponsor and get back to him. Of course my sponsor said as long as everything is outside let him come by one day when you are at work and be done with it.
What I am struggling with right now and have been since his email is the feeling that I AM RIGHT BACK WHERE I WAS when we split up 6 mths ago. I feel sick to my stomach, can’t sleep, feel the old obsessive behaviors coming over me. I thought this was all done and part of the past, and here I am today at work exhausted because I didn’t sleep well thinking about this.
I know it will provide closure and needs to be done, but why am I soooo sad and down all over again? Is it because of the finality of it all? Knowing he has nothing to come back for? I just feel so confused and sad. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again and I really don’t know why, or how I got back here again.
My non AlAnon friends say “you just need to get over, just give him the stuff and move on” “or you’ve had plenty of time to get past this-move on” etc. And I am but I can’t seem to do it that fast.
The earliest I can have him come get his things is Thursday, but I can’t imagine feeling like this all week until/after then. Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
Trying to keep it simple
spirit
I wrote back and told him that I don’t really go to his page anymore, but should I wander there and find any changes he makes causes me pain, I will just delete him for good. And that I would discuss him getting his things with my sponsor and get back to him. Of course my sponsor said as long as everything is outside let him come by one day when you are at work and be done with it.
What I am struggling with right now and have been since his email is the feeling that I AM RIGHT BACK WHERE I WAS when we split up 6 mths ago. I feel sick to my stomach, can’t sleep, feel the old obsessive behaviors coming over me. I thought this was all done and part of the past, and here I am today at work exhausted because I didn’t sleep well thinking about this.
I know it will provide closure and needs to be done, but why am I soooo sad and down all over again? Is it because of the finality of it all? Knowing he has nothing to come back for? I just feel so confused and sad. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again and I really don’t know why, or how I got back here again.
My non AlAnon friends say “you just need to get over, just give him the stuff and move on” “or you’ve had plenty of time to get past this-move on” etc. And I am but I can’t seem to do it that fast.
The earliest I can have him come get his things is Thursday, but I can’t imagine feeling like this all week until/after then. Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
Trying to keep it simple
spirit
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
I can relate. I think as long as there is something of theirs in our lives, we may hang on to the fairy tale idea that life's magic wand will make everything good again like when we first fell in love with them. My husband keeps lots of clothes and things here, and I am always tempted to ask "Why, are you planning on coming back?" Truth is, he probably just doesn't want them, because he took everything he needed. So then I remember he is just waiting for me to clean them out. But I don't.
I love the part about not asking you. Well, in this case, he did kind of by saying "let me know" thereby giving you a choice. But I love when I am "told" things like "Wednesday I am coming by to trim the bushes." And he always does it in front of my son, so I can't respond. So anyway, I know what you mean when he doesn't give you a choice. But I am headed out to trim my own bushes as soon as it warms up a bit. Maybe it would feel good if you found a friend with a truck, loaded up his stuff and dropped it at his doorstep. Then you can begin a no contact practice and be done with it.
I love the part about not asking you. Well, in this case, he did kind of by saying "let me know" thereby giving you a choice. But I love when I am "told" things like "Wednesday I am coming by to trim the bushes." And he always does it in front of my son, so I can't respond. So anyway, I know what you mean when he doesn't give you a choice. But I am headed out to trim my own bushes as soon as it warms up a bit. Maybe it would feel good if you found a friend with a truck, loaded up his stuff and dropped it at his doorstep. Then you can begin a no contact practice and be done with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
I'm sorry you're feeling so sick and so upset.
I continue to believe that addictive disease is a poison and that poison is injected into us when we are in relationship with an addict. I am an independent, attractive woman with lovely friends...and in my history when a relationship has ended I have been able to move on with my life within a reasonably short time because I had a good life and good resources......unless that relationship was with an addict.
After that particular kind of poisoning, it took--and is taking--me a very long time to drain the toxin from inside me. I read on here once about someone who was having skin problems, among other things, as she was trying to recover from an addict relationship, and that resonated,
for my body, too, has done things that seem like an effort to expell some kind of poison. I never get things like cysts,
but after the addict hurt me and I was in shock, a cyst swelled up on my back and stayed for two years and I had to go a couple times for treatment of it. My therapist certainly noted the symbolism of that, for I was certainly trying to expell a poison.
I just want to encourage you to ride this out, all the sick feelings and distress, because this is part of the necessary course you must take to get better. And six months, in my opinion, is a short time to recover from trauma, which is exactly what the abuse from an addict is. It is trauma. Not just a breakup. It is a psychological assault.
Don't expect your friends to understand. But many here know exactly what is happening to you.
Eat well, really well, and sleep extra if you can, and take walks, and treat yourself like someone healing from tuberculosis. Good food, clean environment, fresh air.
I hope today is a little better for you.
I continue to believe that addictive disease is a poison and that poison is injected into us when we are in relationship with an addict. I am an independent, attractive woman with lovely friends...and in my history when a relationship has ended I have been able to move on with my life within a reasonably short time because I had a good life and good resources......unless that relationship was with an addict.
After that particular kind of poisoning, it took--and is taking--me a very long time to drain the toxin from inside me. I read on here once about someone who was having skin problems, among other things, as she was trying to recover from an addict relationship, and that resonated,
for my body, too, has done things that seem like an effort to expell some kind of poison. I never get things like cysts,
but after the addict hurt me and I was in shock, a cyst swelled up on my back and stayed for two years and I had to go a couple times for treatment of it. My therapist certainly noted the symbolism of that, for I was certainly trying to expell a poison.
I just want to encourage you to ride this out, all the sick feelings and distress, because this is part of the necessary course you must take to get better. And six months, in my opinion, is a short time to recover from trauma, which is exactly what the abuse from an addict is. It is trauma. Not just a breakup. It is a psychological assault.
Don't expect your friends to understand. But many here know exactly what is happening to you.
Eat well, really well, and sleep extra if you can, and take walks, and treat yourself like someone healing from tuberculosis. Good food, clean environment, fresh air.
I hope today is a little better for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Going no-contact as soon as possible sounds like it might be best for your mental health. This isn't love, I think you know - it's obsession, and it's interfering with your daily life and daily happiness 
Why can't you just put his stuff outside tonight before you go to bed and tell him to come and get it? It might be a good incentive if he were worried someone would come and steal it before he could get there.
I fear that your heart still wants to drag this out in the hopes that something's going to change. It's only hurting you to give in to your heart. The only way out of this is straight through it, to the better life that lies on the other side.
You need to protect YOU
Hugs
GL
Why can't you just put his stuff outside tonight before you go to bed and tell him to come and get it? It might be a good incentive if he were worried someone would come and steal it before he could get there.
I fear that your heart still wants to drag this out in the hopes that something's going to change. It's only hurting you to give in to your heart. The only way out of this is straight through it, to the better life that lies on the other side.
You need to protect YOU
Hugs
GL
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