Reality Check
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Reality Check
I just went from being very happy and hopeful to losing hope altogether. My ABF agreed to treatment and seemed very committed. I left to go abroad for 6 weeks and while I was gone he checked into the center and I was so glad that he went through with it. Today I was able to talk on the phone because detox is over. He is back in my apartment because the treatment center has a waiting list of two months. So here I have my very own experience with a dry drunk and it took about 3 minutes for me to realize that indeed, dry does not mean sober. He said he does not drink, talked about plans, said that he is on the waiting list, but if he is still dry in 2 months, he won't go because he will know he doesn't need it. I asked if he is still smoking pot and he said that he talked to a nurse about it, that it's legal in California for a reason and that he probably only needs that and a doctor said it, too. I told him that I do not believe that. He insists, but I know he is lying.
He sounded like a different person from the very beginning. He talked very fast, seemed aggressive, was telling me that if I don't like it, too bad, he won't do what other people want him to do anymore and it's not a problem because he won't be at my place anymore when I get back. I started to cry and said I had to go and he hung up on me. I called back to tell him that he cannot talk to me like that and he hung up on me again. He was a total jerk and I am in total shock. He has never been like this.
I have to tell him that he needs to leave my apartment now and leave my phone there (we had agreed he could use it since I am paying for it anyway). I have to tell the apartment complex people to not let anyone in without my explicit permission. And I have to tell him that I am ending the relationship because it does not have a future if he is not committed to sobriety. Seriously, I am totally devastated right now - he was rude and aggressive and i have never seen that like this before. On the other hand, it really does not give me a choice.
I suppose that's it then. I am so stressed already because my work hours have been cut and during my last year of grad school, my parents will have to pay my rent, which I hate because they don't have that much money either. I am stressed because I will go on a very meager job market in the fall and if I don't get a job, I won't have a visa and I will have to leave the country. I could really use a PARTNER right now, but I don't and it's depressing and sad and infuriating and I am p*ssed off at myself for being so stupid and waste all this time. I feel so disrespected...
I am sorry to be so negative. I am just so upset and I can only vent here because I don't want to upset my parents. They worry too much. I don't know if I should send him an email now to let him know or sleep over it...
(I have been wanting to use this, so I guess there is a point to everything...)
He sounded like a different person from the very beginning. He talked very fast, seemed aggressive, was telling me that if I don't like it, too bad, he won't do what other people want him to do anymore and it's not a problem because he won't be at my place anymore when I get back. I started to cry and said I had to go and he hung up on me. I called back to tell him that he cannot talk to me like that and he hung up on me again. He was a total jerk and I am in total shock. He has never been like this.
I have to tell him that he needs to leave my apartment now and leave my phone there (we had agreed he could use it since I am paying for it anyway). I have to tell the apartment complex people to not let anyone in without my explicit permission. And I have to tell him that I am ending the relationship because it does not have a future if he is not committed to sobriety. Seriously, I am totally devastated right now - he was rude and aggressive and i have never seen that like this before. On the other hand, it really does not give me a choice.
I suppose that's it then. I am so stressed already because my work hours have been cut and during my last year of grad school, my parents will have to pay my rent, which I hate because they don't have that much money either. I am stressed because I will go on a very meager job market in the fall and if I don't get a job, I won't have a visa and I will have to leave the country. I could really use a PARTNER right now, but I don't and it's depressing and sad and infuriating and I am p*ssed off at myself for being so stupid and waste all this time. I feel so disrespected...
I am sorry to be so negative. I am just so upset and I can only vent here because I don't want to upset my parents. They worry too much. I don't know if I should send him an email now to let him know or sleep over it...
(I have been wanting to use this, so I guess there is a point to everything...)
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Dear Kimmieh,
I am sorry you are going through this.
As painful as it is, maybe you spared yourself a lot of long-term pain.
I admire you for knowing and respecting your boundaries!
Don't let him get you down - as a mentor of mine said, there is always room for a talented person in any market!
I am sorry you are going through this.
As painful as it is, maybe you spared yourself a lot of long-term pain.
I admire you for knowing and respecting your boundaries!
Don't let him get you down - as a mentor of mine said, there is always room for a talented person in any market!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Originally Posted by Kimmieh 
I am so stressed already because my work hours have been cut and during my last year of grad school, my parents will have to pay my rent, which I hate because they don't have that much money either. I am stressed because I will go on a very meager job market in the fall and if I don't get a job, I won't have a visa and I will have to leave the country.
I could really use a PARTNER right now, ...
I could really use a PARTNER right now, ...
I suggest a year off from relationships while you sort out your job situation and focus on your own recovery.
Love,
KJ
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Kimmieh, I am sorry you are hurting... I agree alcohol takes too much credit sometimes...
Please try to focus on the present and near future, do not worry about fall, its not even here yet! you do not know what will happen then so its no use to worry now... (I know its easier said than done)
I think you need to set our priorities straight- your well being, to finish your studies. That's all you need to focus on right now.
Parents are there to help you out and if they could not help you, they would tell you. Do not carry a burden that is not yours. Do not worry about them and their money. THEY are the ones who handle it and know how much they can give you, and decide to give it to you. Why feel guilty?
All the best my friend and know there is someone else out there thinking of you ((hugs))
This too shall pass. It sucks now, I know. But it WILL pass
Please try to focus on the present and near future, do not worry about fall, its not even here yet! you do not know what will happen then so its no use to worry now... (I know its easier said than done)
I think you need to set our priorities straight- your well being, to finish your studies. That's all you need to focus on right now.
Parents are there to help you out and if they could not help you, they would tell you. Do not carry a burden that is not yours. Do not worry about them and their money. THEY are the ones who handle it and know how much they can give you, and decide to give it to you. Why feel guilty?
All the best my friend and know there is someone else out there thinking of you ((hugs))
This too shall pass. It sucks now, I know. But it WILL pass
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
I was gonna make this a 'PM' so as not to take this thread down some rabbit hole.....but what the heck...... (o:
When you wrote.........: "... I asked if he is still smoking pot and he said that he talked to a nurse about it, that it's legal in California for a reason and that he probably only needs that and a doctor said it, too. I told him that I do not believe that. He insists, but I know he is lying..."
I decided to do a wee bit of research.....I just luv research....lol
What I learned is a whole lotta.....: yes, he's right; yes, he's partially right; no, he's partially wrong; and no, he's totally wrong.....specifically, what I found was this...............:
The Controlled Substances Act of 1970, a federal law, classifies marijuana as a Schedule I drug, implying that it has a high potential for abuse and has no acceptable medical use, and thus it prohibits the possession, usage, purchase, sale, and/or cultivation of marijuana. Recently, over a dozen states, most notably California, have decriminalized and legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. However, federal agents still enforce FEDERAL laws in California, and many patients have been arrested and prosecuted for using medical marijuana (in contention with California STATE law). ..... kinda like the state saying it's ok with them if you have it, but watch out...: the feds are coming; the feds are coming(and fed laws trump state laws) ....With my luck, I think I'd pass on possessing---I'm the 'one' the feds would get. Also note that doctors would have to write a script for the marijuana, and the person would have to be suffering from a (short) list of specific diseases/illnesses.
California passed Proposition 215 in 1996, later renamed the Compassionate Use Act, which would protect anyone from criminal prosecution if recommended by a doctor to use marijuana as relief from some critical illnesses such as cancer, anorexia, AIDS, and glaucoma. In early 2009, California state representative Tom Ammiano introduced a bill, titled Marijuana Control, Regulation, and Education Act, to legalize, regulate, and tax the recreational use of cannabis in California.[5] The bill remains pending.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway, I thought you might like some info; to me, and my sober/clean date is June 23,1986 (off all drugs, including alcohol, also freed from my burdens regarding others-----alanon/naranon stuff),so I do have a bit of ES&H regarding this situation.....it just sounds like your ABF is grasping at straws, and looking anywhere and everywhere for excuses for him to 'not' have to put away the pot.................HAH If I were in your situation; in fact I was in a slightly similar situation once, and what I learned was that the legality of a substance (marijuana, coke, or even alcohol) made no difference at all. What mattered was what I was willing to put up with; what the SO, or BF, or spouse, or the whomever, thought, didn't matter a hill 'o beans; the only thing that mattered was me, my life, and what helped me to be and stay happy....... (o:
So, take what you like, or take nuttin atall, but decide to have a good day, and a good life; like so many others here, you DESERVE a GOOD life..... (o:
NoelleR
When you wrote.........: "... I asked if he is still smoking pot and he said that he talked to a nurse about it, that it's legal in California for a reason and that he probably only needs that and a doctor said it, too. I told him that I do not believe that. He insists, but I know he is lying..."
I decided to do a wee bit of research.....I just luv research....lol
What I learned is a whole lotta.....: yes, he's right; yes, he's partially right; no, he's partially wrong; and no, he's totally wrong.....specifically, what I found was this...............:
The Controlled Substances Act of 1970, a federal law, classifies marijuana as a Schedule I drug, implying that it has a high potential for abuse and has no acceptable medical use, and thus it prohibits the possession, usage, purchase, sale, and/or cultivation of marijuana. Recently, over a dozen states, most notably California, have decriminalized and legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. However, federal agents still enforce FEDERAL laws in California, and many patients have been arrested and prosecuted for using medical marijuana (in contention with California STATE law). ..... kinda like the state saying it's ok with them if you have it, but watch out...: the feds are coming; the feds are coming(and fed laws trump state laws) ....With my luck, I think I'd pass on possessing---I'm the 'one' the feds would get. Also note that doctors would have to write a script for the marijuana, and the person would have to be suffering from a (short) list of specific diseases/illnesses.
California passed Proposition 215 in 1996, later renamed the Compassionate Use Act, which would protect anyone from criminal prosecution if recommended by a doctor to use marijuana as relief from some critical illnesses such as cancer, anorexia, AIDS, and glaucoma. In early 2009, California state representative Tom Ammiano introduced a bill, titled Marijuana Control, Regulation, and Education Act, to legalize, regulate, and tax the recreational use of cannabis in California.[5] The bill remains pending.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway, I thought you might like some info; to me, and my sober/clean date is June 23,1986 (off all drugs, including alcohol, also freed from my burdens regarding others-----alanon/naranon stuff),so I do have a bit of ES&H regarding this situation.....it just sounds like your ABF is grasping at straws, and looking anywhere and everywhere for excuses for him to 'not' have to put away the pot.................HAH If I were in your situation; in fact I was in a slightly similar situation once, and what I learned was that the legality of a substance (marijuana, coke, or even alcohol) made no difference at all. What mattered was what I was willing to put up with; what the SO, or BF, or spouse, or the whomever, thought, didn't matter a hill 'o beans; the only thing that mattered was me, my life, and what helped me to be and stay happy....... (o:
So, take what you like, or take nuttin atall, but decide to have a good day, and a good life; like so many others here, you DESERVE a GOOD life..... (o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Maybe I'm weird, but to me it makes no difference whether smoking pot is completely legal or a capital crime. If I don't want it in my house, and someone violates that, then they need to get out of my house and my life.
I know you're in a bad place right now, kimmieh, but you have to realize that much of it is BECAUSE of ABF, not because of whatever you won't have after he's gone. He's caused an enormous amount of stress in your life that has affected you on many levels. I can appreciate wanting a partner, but in this case having THIS partner is worse than nothing at all. Using your apartment, using your phone, bullying and lying, not to mention all the rest (the urinating, puking, disrespect, everything else)
This is hard, but I hope you'll find -- as I found -- that when you're out of the vortex of alcoholic madness, suddenly things seem to get much easier to handle. Your mind is clearer, jobs come easier, money comes easier, everything goes better, and self-esteem blossoms.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, though. If I could take your pain away, I would.
I know you're in a bad place right now, kimmieh, but you have to realize that much of it is BECAUSE of ABF, not because of whatever you won't have after he's gone. He's caused an enormous amount of stress in your life that has affected you on many levels. I can appreciate wanting a partner, but in this case having THIS partner is worse than nothing at all. Using your apartment, using your phone, bullying and lying, not to mention all the rest (the urinating, puking, disrespect, everything else)
This is hard, but I hope you'll find -- as I found -- that when you're out of the vortex of alcoholic madness, suddenly things seem to get much easier to handle. Your mind is clearer, jobs come easier, money comes easier, everything goes better, and self-esteem blossoms.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, though. If I could take your pain away, I would.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Kimmieh
I could really use a PARTNER right now
No partner will get us through; on the contrary, being able to get through it with our own inner strength and a solid belief in some sort of higher power that loves us and gives us the strength, is what gets us through.
I'm sorry, but this guy is the last bit of caa-caa you need on your plate right now. I have lived through pinning my hopes and hapiness on the recovery of an A several times.
It's not about someone else's life. It's about your's. This is not the ONLY man who can make you happy. There are - corrrect me if I'm wrong! - 300 billion people on this planet. Are you telling me this is the ONLY man for you?
You, and you alone, were given the gift of life. How you choose to live it is your business. But it is your life. How 'bout getting on your side of the street and giving yourself a chance to find hapiness within yourself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Kimmieh
He sounded like a different person from the very beginning. He talked very fast, seemed aggressive, was telling me that if I don't like it, too bad, he won't do what other people want him to do anymore and it's not a problem because he won't be at my place anymore when I get back. I started to cry and said I had to go and he hung up on me. I called back to tell him that he cannot talk to me like that and he hung up on me again. He was a total jerk and I am in total shock. He has never been like this.
I have to tell him that he needs to leave my apartment now and leave my phone there (we had agreed he could use it since I am paying for it anyway)
I have to tell him that he needs to leave my apartment now and leave my phone there (we had agreed he could use it since I am paying for it anyway)
Think about this... he's at YOUR home answering YOUR phone while YOU are pursuing a career... it seems to me he has it pretty good... and I doubt that he really wants to leave... so his threat is empty and full of NOISE and it will probably take a SWAT Team to get him out... why would he leave... he's got it made. He's doing what he wants at YOUR expense...and YOU are the only one that can change that.
I relate to much of what you're saying and it's never a pretty sight to see things the way they really are.... but at the same time it is a beautiful moment to seize the opportunity to "unshackle" yourself from this lump of b.s.
I posted a couple of quotes in another thread the other day...just a thought.
"No man can ever give you your self-worth, but you can let plenty of men rob you of it."
"Bad men are spiritual graces sent in disguise to teach us, through torment, to love ourselves."
Take care of YOU.
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