Newbie freaking out, rock bottom (maybe) for AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Lexington, TN
Posts: 2
Newbie freaking out, rock bottom (maybe) for AH
Hi everybody-
I have been lurking for a while and decided to post while AH is out of the house. I'll make it quick and to the point maybe! I am so scared right now of everything I know is about to transpire, no matter which outcome I choose. My AH DOC is hydrocodone (hope I spelled that right). We have been married for ten years and he goes on about a 1 time a month binge on the things and when he does it is Jekyll and Hyde. He gets nasty, stupid, takes many at a time, nods off, all kinds of crap. He goes to the doctor who readily supplies them, last month over my birthday weekend he had a kidney stone and made many ER visits and took over 70 pills in 5 days. He was nodding off in the living room floor, scared me to death, meanwhile just being insanely stupid and slurring and keeping me awake all night. They don't put him to sleep they hype him like crazy. He is unemployed, I am paying out the wazoo for him to go back and get his degree while he is getting unemployment I took out a loan to pay for it, now he is doing this on a monthly basis. I can't take it anymore. This month's reason was a staph infection on his foot (was really bad, could have lost his toes, seriously) but of course--the docs gave him a script!
Today he is off them and was a butthole to me and around our 17 year old nephew who lives with us. He stomped off to bed and I left to run get a haircut and he calls and cusses me out. Anyhoo...this afternoon came to the wire. I told him to leave. He has called his sister in another state, she is going to get him a plane ticket to come stay with her and her husband (both alcoholics) and he is going to fly our dog, which I am very upset over. Well a minute ago he left and then called me and told me we had to decide if we were divorcing before tomorrow night. How do you deal with the ultimatums? I do love him, I just want him to get help! But I know I can't live like this at all anymore, I am going insane. He convinces me that I am the one with the mental problem and that it's all me! I am so upset. Any advice will be appreciated! Also understand this has been a ten year long problem, since an accident when we first married that got him hooked. I feel so stupid and worthless right now.
I have been lurking for a while and decided to post while AH is out of the house. I'll make it quick and to the point maybe! I am so scared right now of everything I know is about to transpire, no matter which outcome I choose. My AH DOC is hydrocodone (hope I spelled that right). We have been married for ten years and he goes on about a 1 time a month binge on the things and when he does it is Jekyll and Hyde. He gets nasty, stupid, takes many at a time, nods off, all kinds of crap. He goes to the doctor who readily supplies them, last month over my birthday weekend he had a kidney stone and made many ER visits and took over 70 pills in 5 days. He was nodding off in the living room floor, scared me to death, meanwhile just being insanely stupid and slurring and keeping me awake all night. They don't put him to sleep they hype him like crazy. He is unemployed, I am paying out the wazoo for him to go back and get his degree while he is getting unemployment I took out a loan to pay for it, now he is doing this on a monthly basis. I can't take it anymore. This month's reason was a staph infection on his foot (was really bad, could have lost his toes, seriously) but of course--the docs gave him a script!
Today he is off them and was a butthole to me and around our 17 year old nephew who lives with us. He stomped off to bed and I left to run get a haircut and he calls and cusses me out. Anyhoo...this afternoon came to the wire. I told him to leave. He has called his sister in another state, she is going to get him a plane ticket to come stay with her and her husband (both alcoholics) and he is going to fly our dog, which I am very upset over. Well a minute ago he left and then called me and told me we had to decide if we were divorcing before tomorrow night. How do you deal with the ultimatums? I do love him, I just want him to get help! But I know I can't live like this at all anymore, I am going insane. He convinces me that I am the one with the mental problem and that it's all me! I am so upset. Any advice will be appreciated! Also understand this has been a ten year long problem, since an accident when we first married that got him hooked. I feel so stupid and worthless right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Dear tngirl,
Welcome! First and foremost you are NOT stupid and worthless!!
I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation.
It sounds like you are giving a lot in this relationship without getting too much out?
I am thinking of you,
Welcome! First and foremost you are NOT stupid and worthless!!
I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation.
It sounds like you are giving a lot in this relationship without getting too much out?
I am thinking of you,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome and I hope many here can offer you support.
If it were ME, and I mean me today not the codependent me of yesterday, I would call his bluff, say yes to the divorce and contact a lawyer first thing Monday morning to get a legal separation going.
I would also bar him from taking the dog IF he flies off to the sister's (it's too hot to fly dogs now.....but really...three addicts and a dog is too dangerous for the dog anyway. Do what you have to do to protect the animal).
Be straight with the nephew that the problem is drugs and has nothing to do with him being in the home.
Get yourself to Al-anon and a therapist if you can afford counseling.
He is bullying you. You cannot reason with an active addict. So my advice is separation as soon as possible and some time for you to get your head together and for him to go ahead and do what addicts do. Maybe he'll hit a wall and get help.
Others here will be able to offer good feedback about the legal matters.
No matter what you do or say, you know, right, that it will not change his desire for the drug?
Much strength and courage to you. Time for CHANGE.
If it were ME, and I mean me today not the codependent me of yesterday, I would call his bluff, say yes to the divorce and contact a lawyer first thing Monday morning to get a legal separation going.
I would also bar him from taking the dog IF he flies off to the sister's (it's too hot to fly dogs now.....but really...three addicts and a dog is too dangerous for the dog anyway. Do what you have to do to protect the animal).
Be straight with the nephew that the problem is drugs and has nothing to do with him being in the home.
Get yourself to Al-anon and a therapist if you can afford counseling.
He is bullying you. You cannot reason with an active addict. So my advice is separation as soon as possible and some time for you to get your head together and for him to go ahead and do what addicts do. Maybe he'll hit a wall and get help.
Others here will be able to offer good feedback about the legal matters.
No matter what you do or say, you know, right, that it will not change his desire for the drug?
Much strength and courage to you. Time for CHANGE.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
tn, it may or may not be his rock bottom.
But the real question is: is it YOUR rock bottom?
How much longer do you want to do this? You have willingly suffered so much damage and debt -- are you ready to try something different?
You don't exist just as "one half of him" - you're your own person, with your own goals and dreams and needs, NONE of which it appears are being fed, because you've spent much of your energy making everything alright for HIM.
This place is about finding ways to put the focus back on US. It seems like you might be ready to try that, and I'm so glad.
Try not to give in to his tactics and manipulation. You know that's what this is, right? Trying to shame you, guilt you, scare you into continuing to be his enabler?
Please read around on this forum and on Friends & Family of Substance Abusers, especially the Sticky posts at the top of each. There is a lot of great information there for you. You are not crazy. You just want your happiness back.
You deserve better than this.
But the real question is: is it YOUR rock bottom?
How much longer do you want to do this? You have willingly suffered so much damage and debt -- are you ready to try something different?
You don't exist just as "one half of him" - you're your own person, with your own goals and dreams and needs, NONE of which it appears are being fed, because you've spent much of your energy making everything alright for HIM.
This place is about finding ways to put the focus back on US. It seems like you might be ready to try that, and I'm so glad.
Try not to give in to his tactics and manipulation. You know that's what this is, right? Trying to shame you, guilt you, scare you into continuing to be his enabler?
Please read around on this forum and on Friends & Family of Substance Abusers, especially the Sticky posts at the top of each. There is a lot of great information there for you. You are not crazy. You just want your happiness back.
You deserve better than this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He convinces me that I am the one with the mental problem and that it's all me! I am so upset.
This is exactly what addicts/alkies do. It is apparently a necessary part of their disease because it is such a common trait.
Remember, only YOU decide what's wrong with you! And you decide how and why you want to change your life! It's really up to you. He will do what addicts do until he decides to make a serious, serious change.
The past is gone- you are free in THIS moment---take care of yourself!
peace,
b
This is exactly what addicts/alkies do. It is apparently a necessary part of their disease because it is such a common trait.
Remember, only YOU decide what's wrong with you! And you decide how and why you want to change your life! It's really up to you. He will do what addicts do until he decides to make a serious, serious change.
The past is gone- you are free in THIS moment---take care of yourself!
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Lexington, TN
Posts: 2
Thanks so much, and I apologize for not being on the substance abuser's program. It is, truly, MY rock bottom. I am holding my ground! Monday when I am alone I will update and I am going to prowl the other board. You guys are awesome, I feel better just having someone to lean on, even if virtually. I carry so much shame around with me, just covering the problem from coworkers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Welcome to the boards....
I really just wanted to stress what bernadette said above. I cant tell you how crazy I thought I was because of his addiction. That is why this is a family disease. It affects everyone.
Right now in my opinion you should read up on why its not your fault, why you didnt cause it and why you cant control it. That was my biggest obstacle. For months I was running around reading books on relationships, listening to CD's about relationships, trying to figure out what was wrong with ME. Its so common for addicts or alcoholics to project onto you. If you are running around think its you that your crazy it takes the focus off of THEM.
I left my addict 7 months ago and am just letting it sink in that I have no control over his disease and that I DIDNT CAUSE HIS BEHAVIOR. That was so HUGE for me.
Anyway, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Let me just say too that all that talk he was saying about taking the dog and getting a divorce, that is all BS. I heard so much of it when I split that I realized he was just talking the talk. Rarely do they have the ability to follow it up with action...
I really just wanted to stress what bernadette said above. I cant tell you how crazy I thought I was because of his addiction. That is why this is a family disease. It affects everyone.
Right now in my opinion you should read up on why its not your fault, why you didnt cause it and why you cant control it. That was my biggest obstacle. For months I was running around reading books on relationships, listening to CD's about relationships, trying to figure out what was wrong with ME. Its so common for addicts or alcoholics to project onto you. If you are running around think its you that your crazy it takes the focus off of THEM.
I left my addict 7 months ago and am just letting it sink in that I have no control over his disease and that I DIDNT CAUSE HIS BEHAVIOR. That was so HUGE for me.
Anyway, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Let me just say too that all that talk he was saying about taking the dog and getting a divorce, that is all BS. I heard so much of it when I split that I realized he was just talking the talk. Rarely do they have the ability to follow it up with action...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
((tngirl))
Manipulation, lying, emotional abuse, isolation, etc.... Yep, you've got it: Life with an Addict.
The isolation was one of my issues that kept me from Alanon at first. I didn't want people to know how bad the addict was. I didn't want people to know I had lost control of the situation. I got my nerve up and went to Alanon earlier this year. Turns out I was welcomed by a room of people who new exactly what I was feeling!
Some communities have Nar anon(?) meetings. My area does not, but I have seen parents of adult children with substance addiction at Al anon meetings. Check around your area to see what is available, you'll be glad you did.
You'll learn the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You won't cure it
For today, I'd hide my dog at a friends house before I'd let an addict leave home with him.
Here's something I did have to do: stop financing the addict. I had to let the addict suffer the consequences of not paying their bills on time, bouncing checks and going hungry. I opened my own account and had my name taken off the joint account. If you are jointly holding loans, leases, or mortgages; consult with an attorney soon! That's what I did and it brought me a great deal of relief to know that I was not financially responsible for the addicts bad choices.
Keep reading as posting as much as you need!
Manipulation, lying, emotional abuse, isolation, etc.... Yep, you've got it: Life with an Addict.
The isolation was one of my issues that kept me from Alanon at first. I didn't want people to know how bad the addict was. I didn't want people to know I had lost control of the situation. I got my nerve up and went to Alanon earlier this year. Turns out I was welcomed by a room of people who new exactly what I was feeling!
Some communities have Nar anon(?) meetings. My area does not, but I have seen parents of adult children with substance addiction at Al anon meetings. Check around your area to see what is available, you'll be glad you did.
You'll learn the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You won't cure it
For today, I'd hide my dog at a friends house before I'd let an addict leave home with him.
Here's something I did have to do: stop financing the addict. I had to let the addict suffer the consequences of not paying their bills on time, bouncing checks and going hungry. I opened my own account and had my name taken off the joint account. If you are jointly holding loans, leases, or mortgages; consult with an attorney soon! That's what I did and it brought me a great deal of relief to know that I was not financially responsible for the addicts bad choices.
Keep reading as posting as much as you need!
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Originally Posted by Pelican 
For today, I'd hide my dog at a friends house before I'd let an addict leave home with him.
It IS way too hot to fly a dog.. a dog with an addict and 2 alcoholics? Oh my.. that's NOT ok!!
And it's not ok for you to be treated this way, it sounds like you've been given some excellent advice on how to get your life back. I hope you're ok today
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