The Thrill is Gone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 24
The Thrill is Gone
Maybe someone out there can relate give advise or maybe I just need a shoulder this morning. AH and I have been married for 28 years, he works a lot out of town so you would think we would be all over each other when he comes home. But he would rather sit in front of the tv play his video games and drink until he passes out. He will give me a peck on the cheek or a hug but for the last year he has stopped sleeping with me.
Here is the kicker..........I don't CARE anymore! The thought of making love to a drunk makes me sick. Have I disconnected completely from him? Sure I have tried to talk to him about this, but he shuts down. So I have given up.
I know my sex drive isn't what it used to be. Hell I don't know what I want anymore! Anyone else? Your thoughts? and No he isn't in any program and feels that he can stop anytime he wants too. SURE.........but that is another story.
I do attend Al Anon meetings but I just can't bring myself to open up on this subject to them. I'm new to the group so I don't feel comfortable yet.
Thanks for listening
Here is the kicker..........I don't CARE anymore! The thought of making love to a drunk makes me sick. Have I disconnected completely from him? Sure I have tried to talk to him about this, but he shuts down. So I have given up.
I know my sex drive isn't what it used to be. Hell I don't know what I want anymore! Anyone else? Your thoughts? and No he isn't in any program and feels that he can stop anytime he wants too. SURE.........but that is another story.
I do attend Al Anon meetings but I just can't bring myself to open up on this subject to them. I'm new to the group so I don't feel comfortable yet.
Thanks for listening
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There are not many of us out here who find having sex with a drunk to be enticing, so you're not alone there, somebodys.
It's impossible for us out here to know whether the alcoholism is solely to blame, but it is very common for intimacy to be a huge victim as alcoholism progresses.
What do you want for yourself? If he chooses to remain JUST LIKE THIS forever, until you both die, will that be okay with you? Have you considered taking in a few sessions of private time with a counselor, so you can work through what you feel and what you want? Maybe it's time to make your life what you want it to be, rather than hoping he'll change. Counseling helped me to see that, and make small baby steps in the right direction. Might help you too?
It's impossible for us out here to know whether the alcoholism is solely to blame, but it is very common for intimacy to be a huge victim as alcoholism progresses.
What do you want for yourself? If he chooses to remain JUST LIKE THIS forever, until you both die, will that be okay with you? Have you considered taking in a few sessions of private time with a counselor, so you can work through what you feel and what you want? Maybe it's time to make your life what you want it to be, rather than hoping he'll change. Counseling helped me to see that, and make small baby steps in the right direction. Might help you too?
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Somebodyswife 
I do attend Al Anon meetings but I just can't bring myself to open up on this subject to them. I'm new to the group so I don't feel comfortable yet.
Thanks for listening
Thanks for listening
28 years of marriage is a tremendous investment. Your well being is also very important, as is his, and your taking the right actions. Keep posting and have patience, things do work out eventually.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Somebodyswife
I know my sex drive isn't what it used to be. Hell I don't know what I want anymore! Anyone else? Your thoughts? and No he isn't in any program and feels that he can stop anytime he wants too. SURE.........but that is another story.
Alcoholism is ugly and progressive, and eventually permeates every aspect of our lives, including sex, and we don't even have to be the alcoholic in the equation.
To try and address the sex without acknowledging the root of the problem is like discussing a cute little knick knack on a shelf while the big fat elephant sits in the middle of the living room.
I don't find sex with a drunk appealing either, and haven't done that for a couple of decades now!
I made the decision to leave my EXAH, but spent several more years in untreated codependency and going from one unhealthy relationship to another.
I finally hit a bottom when the ex-fiance (dry drunk) walked out, and that's when I started my journey of healing and discovery of self. I haven't regretted a moment of it.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: still getting there
Posts: 33
Anyone here can give much better advice than me, but sex with an alcoholic is disgusting while they are drinking and that has nothing to do with your sex drive. It feels like there is a third person in the relationship taking everything he should be giving you...his time, his money, his love. It's like "the other woman".
I think sex drive is increased when you're in a relationship with someone who is loving, respectful and supportive towards you. That is the biggest turn on IMHO.
I think sex drive is increased when you're in a relationship with someone who is loving, respectful and supportive towards you. That is the biggest turn on IMHO.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
jmo, but I think the drinking kills it for a lot of them.
My 2 xah's were in the no zone, 2nd one was a dry drunk for our 12 yr marriage & it just wasn't there. I lived w 2 others afterward, 1st one didn't drink (anymore) & the last one, drank all day. It didn't matter, it was all over for them. Last xabf, ordered pills (to help, doubt that it did) from a magazine or online, to woo the woman, who took him away from me
I could go to the biggest festival & I would find them. Hence the in no hurry to look anymore
My 2 xah's were in the no zone, 2nd one was a dry drunk for our 12 yr marriage & it just wasn't there. I lived w 2 others afterward, 1st one didn't drink (anymore) & the last one, drank all day. It didn't matter, it was all over for them. Last xabf, ordered pills (to help, doubt that it did) from a magazine or online, to woo the woman, who took him away from me
I could go to the biggest festival & I would find them. Hence the in no hurry to look anymore
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
Somebodyswife, i totally understand. (I also responded to your newcomers post as well today)
My AH of 24 years still very much wants sex, I have absolutely no desire to be with him. I have keep myself rather well , physically speaking, over the years and he has not...obviously from the A. Looking at him makes me cringe. He often says about himself-"I don't look that bad" and I don't usually comment. I have said that the alcohol has changed him both physically and mentally. He looks much older now, has the basic beer belly and eyes of glass- appealing huh?
I am trying my best not to give in to his advances as I have no desire but some times he is so persuasive that I have given in in the past. So far this week, I am holding stong. I'd sleep in another bedroom but kids home from college..no other place. I guess I call it boundaries. If he gets the help he needs, perhaps I'll have a change of heart.
Your situation is somewhat similar to mine from what I have read. This site really helps to not only answer questions but to get differing opinions...all of which are helpful.
My AH of 24 years still very much wants sex, I have absolutely no desire to be with him. I have keep myself rather well , physically speaking, over the years and he has not...obviously from the A. Looking at him makes me cringe. He often says about himself-"I don't look that bad" and I don't usually comment. I have said that the alcohol has changed him both physically and mentally. He looks much older now, has the basic beer belly and eyes of glass- appealing huh?
I am trying my best not to give in to his advances as I have no desire but some times he is so persuasive that I have given in in the past. So far this week, I am holding stong. I'd sleep in another bedroom but kids home from college..no other place. I guess I call it boundaries. If he gets the help he needs, perhaps I'll have a change of heart.
Your situation is somewhat similar to mine from what I have read. This site really helps to not only answer questions but to get differing opinions...all of which are helpful.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
It is a sign of HEALTH for you that you are repulsed at the idea of having sex with him, because to do so you would have to shut down your mind and soul and pretend to be someone on the outside COMPLETELY different from the person on the inside.
That sort of splitting is what makes people really really mentally ill and YOU are not doing it! Thank God.
But you are avoiding the fact that you are enabling his alcoholism by accepting his drinking, his neglect, and his indifference. So....not good. UNHEALTHY for you.
You may be waiting for a crisis to happen that forces change in your life. It might. Or you may just continue on being unhappy and blaming him for not being the mutual partner you need in a marriage. Until you both die, bitter and lonely.
Sweetie, I so hope you find a new way for yourself. It is possible but you have to be brave and determined and you need help. Isolated, we always lose to the addict.
Sending you good wishes for a better future than the one you are predicting now.
That sort of splitting is what makes people really really mentally ill and YOU are not doing it! Thank God.
But you are avoiding the fact that you are enabling his alcoholism by accepting his drinking, his neglect, and his indifference. So....not good. UNHEALTHY for you.
You may be waiting for a crisis to happen that forces change in your life. It might. Or you may just continue on being unhappy and blaming him for not being the mutual partner you need in a marriage. Until you both die, bitter and lonely.
Sweetie, I so hope you find a new way for yourself. It is possible but you have to be brave and determined and you need help. Isolated, we always lose to the addict.
Sending you good wishes for a better future than the one you are predicting now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 24
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments. I know what the "real" issue is; sex is just part of the fall out; and I have been tip toeing around the subject with him for way to long. Way past time I sat down with him and had that talk. I'm just so frustrated.........thanks again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
I too have no desire to be intimate with my AH. He disgusts me. Even when he is sober (rarely any more) I am just sickened by who he has become, and we have only been married for just under two years (although separated already).
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Intimacy is like a barometer. A symptom of a greater problem.
In my situation, for the last year of our relationship it went. I suppose I no longer felt the level of trust and closeness. I no longer felt comfortable with sharing myself with someone who had no real regard for me. There is often so much 'draw you in, push you away' that one day when they push you away you just stop coming back. I stopped caring too. By that I mean I did want a whole and loving relationship with him, but I knew it would never last so I just shut down.
I suppose what you do depends on a myriad of things. If you can discuss the elephant in the room and work through it together then maybe you can work towards getting that part of your relationship back on track. If you can't, then I suppose you have to ask yourself if you can live like that for the rest of your life.
:ghug
In my situation, for the last year of our relationship it went. I suppose I no longer felt the level of trust and closeness. I no longer felt comfortable with sharing myself with someone who had no real regard for me. There is often so much 'draw you in, push you away' that one day when they push you away you just stop coming back. I stopped caring too. By that I mean I did want a whole and loving relationship with him, but I knew it would never last so I just shut down.
I suppose what you do depends on a myriad of things. If you can discuss the elephant in the room and work through it together then maybe you can work towards getting that part of your relationship back on track. If you can't, then I suppose you have to ask yourself if you can live like that for the rest of your life.
:ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
One of my boundaries was to only have sex with my AH when he was sober but eventually even that limited amount of sex stopped.The sex was fine when he was sober but then he would get drunk and verbally denigrate my body and the sexual act and I no longer wanted to have sex with him at all.
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