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Question to those of you who've divorced... property division?



Question to those of you who've divorced... property division?

Old 05-16-2009, 07:06 AM
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Question to those of you who've divorced... property division?

I live in a state that is "no fault". My XAH contested the proposed settlement, so our divorce went to trial in front of a judge. The decision on the division of the marital assets is now in the judge's lap. I am waiting.

We have a minor child... a teenager.

Currently, my X is living in an apartment... down and out. He hit bottom two years ago, and has stayed there. Doesn't pay his bills, hasn't paid child support. Not my fault.

His atty painted the picture of him living hand to mouth... and me in luxury.
Fact is, I've picked up all the pieces and am living as I always have. Responsible. He's asking for alimony and lots of money.

The judge is conservative. My atty is asking for an unequal division of assets. I've always earned 50% more in income than my XAH.

I'm hoping and praying the judge sees it for what it is.

I'm wondering if any of you have gone through this and come out OK?

IMO, my X doesn't deserve a dime. He chose alcohol over his family. But the legal system is black and white, I know.
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:11 AM
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My situation was a lot like yours. Fortunately, my AH did not contest the settlement.

But, just like you, I fretted and stewed and made myself crazy worrying over what might happen. Some wise people here told me that things are just things, money is just money, and none of it really matters compared to living in peace and sanity. Those responses p1ssed me off. I see now that it's true.

It's out of your control. You've done what you can and now it's in the judge's hands. Try to accept that and do the best you can with whatever decision comes out of it. Even in the worst case scenario, alimony is only granted for a limited amount of time. It will end and you will still have your life to do with as you please.

Sometimes the lessons we learn are harsh ones. If I hadn't spent 20 years of my life supporting an alcoholic I would no doubt be better off financially now than I am. My friend Minnie once called the financial implications of staying with an alcoholic a "stupidity tax." I know I will not be putting my well-being in the hands of an unreliable, irresponsible, selfish partner again.

L

P.S. If he's so down and out, how can he afford an attorney?
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:27 AM
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Thanks LaTeeDa. I hear what you've said, and agree... money is just money and nobody can take away my peace or put a price on that. Stupidity tax, indeed — very good label for that!

As for my XAH and his ability to hire an atty... that's where his family surfaced. They came to his rescue, and have paid for his representation. I imagine he painted his "poor me" story quite exquisitely — which was similar to his atty's presentation to the judge. Poor man, he's down and out. Living in a shack, has to now eat canned food and has to buy his shoes at Walmart. Poor me, poor me... pour me another drink. That one fits to a tee!

I will find that a bitter pill to swallow if he's singing that tune all the way to the bank.

All in all, like I said - nobody can take away my freedom and my peace — or the strength I have acquired from this experience.
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Old 05-16-2009, 09:06 AM
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I've been there too. We started the marriage on about equal footing earnings-wise. I CHOSE to get my college degree, and have been pretty successful in my career. My X became disabled (non-alcohol related) and even though he COULD HAVE chosen to continue to work, or to do some voc rehab to be trained in another career -- he wanted to go on disability. We agreed it would be best for the family for him to stay home and be Mr. Mom. I convinced myself that was the silver lining in the cloud of his disability. There were no signs of alcoholic behavior before that, but somewhere in those 11 years it became a huge problem.

Was our divorce settlement fair? It was almost criminally unfair in my opinion. The supply of people that will feel sorry for my husband and excuse him from taking responsibility for his emotional and financial well-being is endless. He plays his poor-me disability card to the hilt. He did not even have to take the stand in our divorce hearing and was allowed to testify from the attorney's table because it was "too difficult" for him to navigate his way to the witness stand -- boo hoo hoo... My argument was that there was NO REASON he could not get a job; but I made the choice to settle rather than go to trial because I figured the additional attorney fees would eat away at whatever I would have gained by going to trial.

It is true that alimony ends after a certian number of years -- but my poor X is "permanently and totally disabled" and since we were married for 25 years my obligation is for a VERY LONG time.

Apparently I still have some resentments (sorry for the rant!). But, overall I realize that no matter what I still have my drive and ambition, my sense of humor, my health and my happiness. He can NEVER take that away from me. So, I imagine him sitting in our big house all by himself, feeling sorry for himself, lonely, and depressed. I still live on less than I make and have plenty of money in the bank. I am survivor and I am proud of it.
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Old 05-16-2009, 10:36 AM
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Boy this has been an eye opener for me. I've been married for 28 years and although the discussion of divorce hasn't come up YET; I am not stupid either for I know deep down that we are headed there.

My AH makes good money but his health is going down fast so it won't be long until he won't be able to support us and his drinking habits. I was laid off in October of this year and I'm no spring chicken so finding a new job hasn't been easy and I'm still looking.

I have always worked during our marriage and have pulled my fair share of the load around the house. Well more so here lately. I have started a small saving account in my name only for that just in case situation, but it scares the hell out of me.

I swear if I ever get out of this mess I hope someone gives me a swift kick in the ass if I ever get involved with another DRUNK. I had rather live alone! Hell I'm alone anyway!

My friends are telling me to leave but where am I going to go? I want to be able to support myself and without a job that ain't going to happen. Back to mama.......oh NO! Love her to death BUT.
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