depressed and feeling inadequate
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
depressed and feeling inadequate
For the last few days, I have been on and off again crying and feeling so low with no energy. I feel defeated. When my guy pays me no attention... shows me no desire or interest it makes me feel like I'm worthless and that I'm not worthy of him. I try to keep the tears to myself, but aside from leaving - how else can I do this? And then he sees me and just gets mad at me because he feels badly about it and that there is nothing he can do about it. Because of quitting drugs - he has also lost all of his pleasure seeking and joyfulness... it's all been turned off. He hopes for it return..... but tells me he understands if I want him to go because it's unfair to me. Which then sends off the alarm bells for me of abandonment issues.
It hurts me that he has no interest in me as a person or as someone who lights up his life or makes him happy that at least he still has me.
He says that it's all our fault for turning him into becoming this way - by intervening. He'd rather of gone and died than be this apathetic. But to those he keeps in contact from a far (family and friends) - he feels that since they are happy with the results that he has done well. On the other hand, with me - he doesn't know what to say. He says it just makes him feel worse. He says that he is fake with others because he doesn't want them to know, but with me (per my request) - he won't be fake.
I am trying to keep the focus on me, but then the guilt is so strong.... like my insecurities are so deep... and that I'm undeserving. And it's proving that I am because there is no reward or pleasure or attention I receive from my partner. And then...... this passes....... something chaotic happens... there is a diversion and here we are again.
Then I get attention and adoration from others and while that is a quick fix, it just makes me sad because I'm not getting it from my guy.
I KNOW I am not to look to anyone for my happiness...... but what about being able to share my happiness..... or to share my love and receive it in return. Is that too much to ask? Am I the crazy one here?
I keep reading ... trying to find out what I need to do to not feel this way? What is that I can do to not allow myself to be so effected by someone else to the point that the pain is paralyzing?
I know he doesn't do it on purpose - but I feel as though I'm not good enough for him and then I start thinking of all those things where I'm not good enough....... which is a direct result of how I'm feeling. It's a cycle and I want to break it so badly..........
It hurts me that he has no interest in me as a person or as someone who lights up his life or makes him happy that at least he still has me.
He says that it's all our fault for turning him into becoming this way - by intervening. He'd rather of gone and died than be this apathetic. But to those he keeps in contact from a far (family and friends) - he feels that since they are happy with the results that he has done well. On the other hand, with me - he doesn't know what to say. He says it just makes him feel worse. He says that he is fake with others because he doesn't want them to know, but with me (per my request) - he won't be fake.
I am trying to keep the focus on me, but then the guilt is so strong.... like my insecurities are so deep... and that I'm undeserving. And it's proving that I am because there is no reward or pleasure or attention I receive from my partner. And then...... this passes....... something chaotic happens... there is a diversion and here we are again.
Then I get attention and adoration from others and while that is a quick fix, it just makes me sad because I'm not getting it from my guy.
I KNOW I am not to look to anyone for my happiness...... but what about being able to share my happiness..... or to share my love and receive it in return. Is that too much to ask? Am I the crazy one here?
I keep reading ... trying to find out what I need to do to not feel this way? What is that I can do to not allow myself to be so effected by someone else to the point that the pain is paralyzing?
I know he doesn't do it on purpose - but I feel as though I'm not good enough for him and then I start thinking of all those things where I'm not good enough....... which is a direct result of how I'm feeling. It's a cycle and I want to break it so badly..........
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Abundance (I am up late and seem to be doing a lot of late night SR replying)....
You know, we hear about how we are supposed to be happy and complete in ourselves and how we are supposed to find joy in all the beautiful things in the world outside of relationship....
For me, I am deeply relational. I cherish companionship and the emotional warmth of a partner who loves me and who is inspired and enthused to be with me.
I would not ever want to live life alone by choice. I accept my aloneness now because God has not placed anyone in my life to love me. But I would never choose this.
So I cannot imagine how hard it must be to live with a wall. As you are living.
It touches one's deepest childhood wounds of rejection--and we ALL have those and they never really go away--and we do fear abandonment and we do fear we are not lovable ENOUGH and we experience the terribleness of not being seen.
I don't know your story and don't know how long he has been clean or what kind of recovery he is in.
I do know that depression robs a person of all joy and ability to feel pleasure and affection, whether the depression is the result of acute drug withdrawal or the result of medically induced depression from chemical imbalance.
I do know that it makes a person withdraw and want to give up and want others to go away while really NOT wanting them to go away.
It is very very hard on relationships. The depressed person feels ashamed and inadequate and angry. And the partner feels rejected and unloved and angry.
For you, I believe you need several Al-Anon meetings a week, as many as you can make. Just GO.
For him: meetings. And a doctor about his depression.
Just don't sit and do nothing, okay? The disease thrives on surrender.
Hope this helps. More will talk to you soon. Don't forget to pray. xo
You know, we hear about how we are supposed to be happy and complete in ourselves and how we are supposed to find joy in all the beautiful things in the world outside of relationship....
For me, I am deeply relational. I cherish companionship and the emotional warmth of a partner who loves me and who is inspired and enthused to be with me.
I would not ever want to live life alone by choice. I accept my aloneness now because God has not placed anyone in my life to love me. But I would never choose this.
So I cannot imagine how hard it must be to live with a wall. As you are living.
It touches one's deepest childhood wounds of rejection--and we ALL have those and they never really go away--and we do fear abandonment and we do fear we are not lovable ENOUGH and we experience the terribleness of not being seen.
I don't know your story and don't know how long he has been clean or what kind of recovery he is in.
I do know that depression robs a person of all joy and ability to feel pleasure and affection, whether the depression is the result of acute drug withdrawal or the result of medically induced depression from chemical imbalance.
I do know that it makes a person withdraw and want to give up and want others to go away while really NOT wanting them to go away.
It is very very hard on relationships. The depressed person feels ashamed and inadequate and angry. And the partner feels rejected and unloved and angry.
For you, I believe you need several Al-Anon meetings a week, as many as you can make. Just GO.
For him: meetings. And a doctor about his depression.
Just don't sit and do nothing, okay? The disease thrives on surrender.
Hope this helps. More will talk to you soon. Don't forget to pray. xo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I started to highlight something he said because it made me see a red flag, but as I continued to read I saw red flags everywhere.
He is bringing nothing to this relationship. Sobriety isn't recovery and maybe he should see someone about his "antisocial" issues.
You deserve better, it's not good that you feel any of this is your fault.
Have you been to any meetings lately? I promise they will help you more than you know.
Hugs
He is bringing nothing to this relationship. Sobriety isn't recovery and maybe he should see someone about his "antisocial" issues.
You deserve better, it's not good that you feel any of this is your fault.
Have you been to any meetings lately? I promise they will help you more than you know.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Ann 
I started to highlight something he said because it made me see a red flag, but as I continued to read I saw red flags everywhere.
He is bringing nothing to this relationship. Sobriety isn't recovery and maybe he should see someone about his "antisocial" issues.
You deserve better, it's not good that you feel any of this is your fault.
Have you been to any meetings lately? I promise they will help you more than you know.
Hugs
He is bringing nothing to this relationship. Sobriety isn't recovery and maybe he should see someone about his "antisocial" issues.
You deserve better, it's not good that you feel any of this is your fault.
Have you been to any meetings lately? I promise they will help you more than you know.
Hugs
I stopped by to see an uncle of mine the other day. He's in his late 70's... in his younger days he did drink. He shared this and it was a light bulb moment for me. He said that alcoholics and users don't have an identity outside of the drinking and using.... so when they get sober they don't know who they are.... they have no reference point to relate to.
Many codependents become wrapped up in the drama of alcoholics and users and that is their identity. So when the alcoholic or user "loses" their identity... it can be just as difficult on the codie... because then who are they?
Just a thought.
You are doing the right thing by seeking information and help... trust me... brighter days are ahead. Read, read, read and find a meeting.... they are a Godsend.
Take care of YOU.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
[QUOTE=Hammerhead;2229985] He said that alcoholics and users don't have an identity outside of the drinking and using.... so when they get sober they don't know who they are.... they have no reference point to relate to.
Many codependents become wrapped up in the drama of alcoholics and users and that is their identity. So when the alcoholic or user "loses" their identity... it can be just as difficult on the codie... because then who are they?
[\QUOTE]
Sooo true! Especially when one has been using/being a codie for so long. I also agree with Ann - other than a comfort zone - what is he bringing to the relationship?
Abs- I often wonder how you're doing. So many times alot of us disappear from SR and I wonder if they're back living their life to the fullest or still silently suffering with addiction and the repurcussions.
It sounds like you're in a vicious cycle and nothing changes if nothing changes. Is he seeking counseling or has he talked with a Dr. about anti-d's? Have you seen a doctor about anti-d's? I know for me I didn't like anti-d's, but I did find some natural supplements that helped along with diet and exercise. Hugs to you girl, it's a hard road we're on.
Many codependents become wrapped up in the drama of alcoholics and users and that is their identity. So when the alcoholic or user "loses" their identity... it can be just as difficult on the codie... because then who are they?
[\QUOTE]
Sooo true! Especially when one has been using/being a codie for so long. I also agree with Ann - other than a comfort zone - what is he bringing to the relationship?
Abs- I often wonder how you're doing. So many times alot of us disappear from SR and I wonder if they're back living their life to the fullest or still silently suffering with addiction and the repurcussions.
It sounds like you're in a vicious cycle and nothing changes if nothing changes. Is he seeking counseling or has he talked with a Dr. about anti-d's? Have you seen a doctor about anti-d's? I know for me I didn't like anti-d's, but I did find some natural supplements that helped along with diet and exercise. Hugs to you girl, it's a hard road we're on.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Abundance
I keep reading ... trying to find out what I need to do to not feel this way? What is that I can do to not allow myself to be so effected by someone else to the point that the pain is paralyzing?
I simply was not one of those people who could begin to heal self as long as I was in a dysfunctional relationship with a person just as broken as I was.
Some people can do that; I could not, and there is no shame in that.
As for the issues of abandonment, which God knows I had my fair share, no one had abandoned me as much as I had abandoned myself.
I kept looking for that outside 'fix', and I always picked the broken ones.
I made no progress in my life until I hit a rock bottom (when the ex-fiance walked out on me) and made a commitment to myself to stay out of any sort of relationship with a man, despite the discomfort of being alone, and was ready to face myself.
I had to walk through the discomfort to get past it.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Abs)))
I'm really sorry you're struggling like this. I can't see where the relationship is working for either of you. He's angry about being clean, and blames you and everyone else for his misery; you were expecting things to improve once he got clean, and they've only gotten worse.
I see a lot about what he wants, what he feels; about how you feel worthless or "not worthy of him".
I hope you find a way to get your focus back on you..what you want, what you feel. Will going to al-anon meetings help you get to that point? I'm a lot like ((Freedom))..I don't think I could get to that point, being in the same house with someone who is literally sucking the life out of me, but that's just me.
One more thing..if he's so miserable about being clean, it makes me wonder if he's going to want to stay that way...again, that's just me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm really sorry you're struggling like this. I can't see where the relationship is working for either of you. He's angry about being clean, and blames you and everyone else for his misery; you were expecting things to improve once he got clean, and they've only gotten worse.
I see a lot about what he wants, what he feels; about how you feel worthless or "not worthy of him".
I hope you find a way to get your focus back on you..what you want, what you feel. Will going to al-anon meetings help you get to that point? I'm a lot like ((Freedom))..I don't think I could get to that point, being in the same house with someone who is literally sucking the life out of me, but that's just me.
One more thing..if he's so miserable about being clean, it makes me wonder if he's going to want to stay that way...again, that's just me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
The thing is.... is that he isn't miserable ... he says that he knows that he "should" be upset about it and wanting to do something about it. Like, his mind is telling him it's wrong, but he has numbed emotions and so he just doesn't care.
We both are taking meds - I am taking welbutrin and he takes prozac, depakote, welbutrin, and has the script for ritalin (which does help him hyper focus on his programing) and doesn't run out to get more if his script runs out early, which it usually does- but he's only had this script since February. And the ritalin has helped him get a lot of programming done and his work load is doubling and nearly tripling. SO - he is overwhelmed with that.
He says he doesn't know how to have fun..... that he is the opposite of hedonistic which is what he was. And the trade off for going hedonistic again isn't worth it.
Now, I am the one with the issues..... I am not desired, I am not wanted, I am not able to make him happy. At least, before, I knew I had to compete against the drugs, but now I don't even have any competition and I'm losing. I went to Vegas last weekend, and he had zero interest in what I did. He has zero interest in anything with me unless I force feed him it. Which then I allow myself to feel like I am not important to him..... his life is so much more important - which when then makes me want to know more about his life and he rarely shares it with me. He won't share what is on his mind. And I then have cravings to snoop just so I can find out just WHAT my competition is.
All he does is work and sleep.... and spends a total of about an hour a day with me and the boys. Although, he has taken the boys to school the majority of the last couple weeks.
Am I feeling all of this because it's the resistance of having to look at myself while I'm in therapy? So ... I'm "choosing" to focus on my relationship? Or is it that this therapy is really difficult and I'm mourning that I don't have support and love from my partner... that I need?
I'm supposed to be working on my guilt... to not have guilt for looking after myself. I truly feel undeserving...... and it is ticking me off...... because I feel so close to getting over that feeling, yet it's STILL THERE!!!!!
Is it fair to say that he is making me crazy? Or that I am allowing him to make feel this way? Or that he just plain does?
If I call him out on my instincts, intuition - he thinks it's just my insecurities.
Like... he has about 1 - 2 months RX left over from Subutex of the 8 mgs (script says 8mgs 4 x's a day).... cause he is weaning off of them...... and only taking an average of 8mgs a day. he is stock piling them. And I have this paranoia / intuition/ whatever you call it - that he is stock piling because is going to move back home to the midwest and have them there - because he can't get the subs there. I don't like that I am thinking this way... and if I ask him..... it just makes me look like a crazy person.
All I want is adoration, attention, love, to be desired, to be wanted, for him to be interested in me. Plenty of men (strangers) show their interest in me...... and it plain grosses me out...... like..... NO- not YOU...... I want MY guy's interest.
Gosh...... this is such a ramble..... I'm so sorry. I went to sleep crying, and I woke up crying.
I am also self loathing because I am totally in over my head in so many other areas of my life and THIS is what is over powering it all. I want to ask him for support - but I just feel that would turn him off me even more and think that I'm lousy - or I'll just be rejected from him because he has his own things to do or other people to care about - like himself or friends/family. But not me.
What this is ...... is classic codependence. ALL my life, I have been able to make people happy - to brighten their world - to make them smile (not laugh, but definitely smile) .... and with my guy - I am not able to do any of that....... and it bothers me MORE than it bothers him. It just hurts my ego... it makes me so sad that I am not good enough for him.... as good enough as those drugs were....... or an ex girlfriend that he worries about and won't talk with me about. Or everyone else that he worries about. he doesn't worry about me.... i plain don't think he cares. Instead his care would be..... "what am i doing in this relationship? But I have to be loyal to her and the boys after all she has put up with..... and I have too much respect for her and the boys to up and leave"....... yet he pretty much has left. I feel as though he is wanting me to cut it off so that he is free of guilt.
My therapist - says that is my anxiety talking ........and she is getting to the root of my anxiety to help me through this. To help me trust again. I have such wonderful friends and they think and say such kind things to me and I'm at the point that I don't know who to believe..... because if I am all those wonderful things then why doesn't my guy show me them, too.
What it really comes down to.... is I don't like me....... Im not doing anything to help me........ so why in the world would he want to show me love and tenderness when I'm not showing myself it? It takes all I've got just to get out of bed in the morning.....and at least when the boys are home I am consumed by them... but when they are gone..... I am so totally lost. And if he said to me... "get up... lets go eat breakfast and then lets go on a hike and do xyz" ...... i'd not only do it - but I'd have bells and whistles on!
BUT I can't seem to just go and do it just for myself and I certainly can't ask him - because 9 times out of 10 he declines...... and I'm so dang sick of the rejection...... whether it's in the bedroom, in the kitchen, with EVERYTHING.
I feel like an empty shell.
Thanks you guys...... I'm going to try and think of game plan for me today...... and try my hardest to stick with it.... even though just lying in bed crying is all i feel up to ...... but I know that will just make him think less of me. I want to feel like I am a super woman and that he would be proud of me. And quite frankly I don't blame him for not being proud of me. Cause I'm not.
We both are taking meds - I am taking welbutrin and he takes prozac, depakote, welbutrin, and has the script for ritalin (which does help him hyper focus on his programing) and doesn't run out to get more if his script runs out early, which it usually does- but he's only had this script since February. And the ritalin has helped him get a lot of programming done and his work load is doubling and nearly tripling. SO - he is overwhelmed with that.
He says he doesn't know how to have fun..... that he is the opposite of hedonistic which is what he was. And the trade off for going hedonistic again isn't worth it.
Now, I am the one with the issues..... I am not desired, I am not wanted, I am not able to make him happy. At least, before, I knew I had to compete against the drugs, but now I don't even have any competition and I'm losing. I went to Vegas last weekend, and he had zero interest in what I did. He has zero interest in anything with me unless I force feed him it. Which then I allow myself to feel like I am not important to him..... his life is so much more important - which when then makes me want to know more about his life and he rarely shares it with me. He won't share what is on his mind. And I then have cravings to snoop just so I can find out just WHAT my competition is.
All he does is work and sleep.... and spends a total of about an hour a day with me and the boys. Although, he has taken the boys to school the majority of the last couple weeks.
Am I feeling all of this because it's the resistance of having to look at myself while I'm in therapy? So ... I'm "choosing" to focus on my relationship? Or is it that this therapy is really difficult and I'm mourning that I don't have support and love from my partner... that I need?
I'm supposed to be working on my guilt... to not have guilt for looking after myself. I truly feel undeserving...... and it is ticking me off...... because I feel so close to getting over that feeling, yet it's STILL THERE!!!!!
Is it fair to say that he is making me crazy? Or that I am allowing him to make feel this way? Or that he just plain does?
If I call him out on my instincts, intuition - he thinks it's just my insecurities.
Like... he has about 1 - 2 months RX left over from Subutex of the 8 mgs (script says 8mgs 4 x's a day).... cause he is weaning off of them...... and only taking an average of 8mgs a day. he is stock piling them. And I have this paranoia / intuition/ whatever you call it - that he is stock piling because is going to move back home to the midwest and have them there - because he can't get the subs there. I don't like that I am thinking this way... and if I ask him..... it just makes me look like a crazy person.
All I want is adoration, attention, love, to be desired, to be wanted, for him to be interested in me. Plenty of men (strangers) show their interest in me...... and it plain grosses me out...... like..... NO- not YOU...... I want MY guy's interest.
Gosh...... this is such a ramble..... I'm so sorry. I went to sleep crying, and I woke up crying.
I am also self loathing because I am totally in over my head in so many other areas of my life and THIS is what is over powering it all. I want to ask him for support - but I just feel that would turn him off me even more and think that I'm lousy - or I'll just be rejected from him because he has his own things to do or other people to care about - like himself or friends/family. But not me.
What this is ...... is classic codependence. ALL my life, I have been able to make people happy - to brighten their world - to make them smile (not laugh, but definitely smile) .... and with my guy - I am not able to do any of that....... and it bothers me MORE than it bothers him. It just hurts my ego... it makes me so sad that I am not good enough for him.... as good enough as those drugs were....... or an ex girlfriend that he worries about and won't talk with me about. Or everyone else that he worries about. he doesn't worry about me.... i plain don't think he cares. Instead his care would be..... "what am i doing in this relationship? But I have to be loyal to her and the boys after all she has put up with..... and I have too much respect for her and the boys to up and leave"....... yet he pretty much has left. I feel as though he is wanting me to cut it off so that he is free of guilt.
My therapist - says that is my anxiety talking ........and she is getting to the root of my anxiety to help me through this. To help me trust again. I have such wonderful friends and they think and say such kind things to me and I'm at the point that I don't know who to believe..... because if I am all those wonderful things then why doesn't my guy show me them, too.
What it really comes down to.... is I don't like me....... Im not doing anything to help me........ so why in the world would he want to show me love and tenderness when I'm not showing myself it? It takes all I've got just to get out of bed in the morning.....and at least when the boys are home I am consumed by them... but when they are gone..... I am so totally lost. And if he said to me... "get up... lets go eat breakfast and then lets go on a hike and do xyz" ...... i'd not only do it - but I'd have bells and whistles on!
BUT I can't seem to just go and do it just for myself and I certainly can't ask him - because 9 times out of 10 he declines...... and I'm so dang sick of the rejection...... whether it's in the bedroom, in the kitchen, with EVERYTHING.
I feel like an empty shell.
Thanks you guys...... I'm going to try and think of game plan for me today...... and try my hardest to stick with it.... even though just lying in bed crying is all i feel up to ...... but I know that will just make him think less of me. I want to feel like I am a super woman and that he would be proud of me. And quite frankly I don't blame him for not being proud of me. Cause I'm not.
Last edited by Abundance; 05-16-2009 at 10:04 AM.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Thank you for the clearer picture, Abundance. It does sound like a very toxic situation for you and one which is depleting your self-esteem and your sense of who you are in your deepest core.
Now that you have given more specifics, I have to say that he is simply, from my point of view, acting with extreme narcissism. Narcissists often become addicts, and once the drug is removed, then the cold narcissist can step out in fulll view.
So you might read up on that particular disorder and what it does to people who are in the sphere of the narcissist, because no matter how healthy someone is, when subjected to a narcissist, EVERYONE becomes sick.
A good book on this is "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists." An easy read and the first 30 pages will tell you all you need to know, to see whether this is what is eroding you.
Stay in therapy, sweetie. It works wonders if we stick with it, for a lot comes up from deep inside us and we are able to have awarenesses we never could have on our own.
I hope you keep fighting for YOU and your beautiful self, made by God and blessed with His light.
Now that you have given more specifics, I have to say that he is simply, from my point of view, acting with extreme narcissism. Narcissists often become addicts, and once the drug is removed, then the cold narcissist can step out in fulll view.
So you might read up on that particular disorder and what it does to people who are in the sphere of the narcissist, because no matter how healthy someone is, when subjected to a narcissist, EVERYONE becomes sick.
A good book on this is "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists." An easy read and the first 30 pages will tell you all you need to know, to see whether this is what is eroding you.
Stay in therapy, sweetie. It works wonders if we stick with it, for a lot comes up from deep inside us and we are able to have awarenesses we never could have on our own.
I hope you keep fighting for YOU and your beautiful self, made by God and blessed with His light.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I have to be honest here - hopefully you know where it's coming from....
Wheww Abs - I am drained just reading this. You sound like you're doing so much and trying so hard to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Meds, counseling, thinking, crying, thinking more, crying more, confronting, withdrawing, snooping, analyzing etc. etc. etc. In the end, that peg will NEVER fit into that hole unless you cut it down and make it smaller. You're cutting yourself down and taking away from you to make this R work.
Believe me I have done my share of this and continue to do so to some degree. In the end, love shouldn't be this hard. Maybe you loved the person he was ON drugs, but hated the drugs and how out of control he got. Now it doesn't sound like you're fulfilled at all with him without the drugs.
I know that with my AH/RAH - I have done MANY of the same things. It's so hard to seperate YOURSELF from him and truely work on yourself. As freedom said, maybe you can't do it while in a R with him. Maybe you do need to rethink this R and going your seperate ways. It doesn't have to be forever, but it sounds like you're smothering yourself in this R and you don't have the room to open your wings and fly.
Just being honest in what I see here as I would want you to do for me. Hugs to you, it's hard - addiction AND recovery are hard.
Wheww Abs - I am drained just reading this. You sound like you're doing so much and trying so hard to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Meds, counseling, thinking, crying, thinking more, crying more, confronting, withdrawing, snooping, analyzing etc. etc. etc. In the end, that peg will NEVER fit into that hole unless you cut it down and make it smaller. You're cutting yourself down and taking away from you to make this R work.
Believe me I have done my share of this and continue to do so to some degree. In the end, love shouldn't be this hard. Maybe you loved the person he was ON drugs, but hated the drugs and how out of control he got. Now it doesn't sound like you're fulfilled at all with him without the drugs.
I know that with my AH/RAH - I have done MANY of the same things. It's so hard to seperate YOURSELF from him and truely work on yourself. As freedom said, maybe you can't do it while in a R with him. Maybe you do need to rethink this R and going your seperate ways. It doesn't have to be forever, but it sounds like you're smothering yourself in this R and you don't have the room to open your wings and fly.
Just being honest in what I see here as I would want you to do for me. Hugs to you, it's hard - addiction AND recovery are hard.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
OH abundance, I am sooooo very sorry that you are hurting like this. I have been there.... and I have been there.
Now, I won't preach what are you doing for you?? BUT, kinda in the same fashion, what has worked for me, is getting 'out there' and rebuilding MY self esteem. Talk to other adults, (outside of your home), go out with friends, have coffee with them, go have dinner with others, whatever you can do to reconnect with others, who allow you to reflect you ----- I have many friends, that when I am with them, I am reminded how smart, beautiful, funny, etc. I am. I then come home, with a different perspective.... I look at the abf and his apathetic mood as "gosh, what a shame, that he dosen't share the joy in me, that I share in me." I think, "he's going to either get rowing this boat with me, or someday I'm going to be rowing solo, and maybe find another who WANTS to row a boat with me...."
I look at my inner beauty, I look at what I have to offer anyone in my life, and then my self esteem isn't contingent on how HE acts towards me. THIS IS VERY HARD to do,when you are immeshed in a life with someone like him.......................
That is why you MUST, surround yourself with people who let you be you, and live freely..... Sing, dance, excercize, read at a coffee shop, anything that allows your soul to fly and be free, will bring you freedom.....
Love,
Cess
Now, I won't preach what are you doing for you?? BUT, kinda in the same fashion, what has worked for me, is getting 'out there' and rebuilding MY self esteem. Talk to other adults, (outside of your home), go out with friends, have coffee with them, go have dinner with others, whatever you can do to reconnect with others, who allow you to reflect you ----- I have many friends, that when I am with them, I am reminded how smart, beautiful, funny, etc. I am. I then come home, with a different perspective.... I look at the abf and his apathetic mood as "gosh, what a shame, that he dosen't share the joy in me, that I share in me." I think, "he's going to either get rowing this boat with me, or someday I'm going to be rowing solo, and maybe find another who WANTS to row a boat with me...."
I look at my inner beauty, I look at what I have to offer anyone in my life, and then my self esteem isn't contingent on how HE acts towards me. THIS IS VERY HARD to do,when you are immeshed in a life with someone like him.......................
That is why you MUST, surround yourself with people who let you be you, and live freely..... Sing, dance, excercize, read at a coffee shop, anything that allows your soul to fly and be free, will bring you freedom.....
Love,
Cess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Back when, I discovered I had the power to read people's minds. It was absolutely incredible that I was able to arbitrarily infer what other people were thinking of me, at any time, all the time.
I could take any he/she did or did not fill in the blank situation and know he/she thinks fill in the blank. How could I not react to what I inferred with hurt and sometimes anger?
As time went on, I began to see a connection associated with my power to read minds. It was only effective when the thoughts I read, affirmed how I felt.
When someone did not react the way I expected them to, my power of mind reading told me this was because I was too stupid, I was unattractive, I was unworthy......Funny how that worked out.
It would never dawned on me that maybe I was too short, too slim and trim, too dark, too brown-eyed, too intellegent ......because I am none of those things. Funny how that worked out.
It also never dawned on me that perhaps I was not the center of their attention, that maybe I was not even on their radar cause they had their own stuff going on or they, being mere mortals, had no power to know what I was thinking and feeling. Poor dears.
And yet, there I was, blaming them because I was hurt, because afterall, I had the power to read other people's minds.
Since I had this gift of mind reading I wondered if perhaps I had other gifts, too. Maybe I had the power to take responsibility for the way I felt and reacted to things instead of giving that power away to a mere mortal.
I mean, what if I started to feel good/ worthy enough that I no longer needed to use my power of mind reading to infer what other people thought about me? What if it no longer mattered? What if I became good enough for me?
I am a work in progress. How about you?
I could take any he/she did or did not fill in the blank situation and know he/she thinks fill in the blank. How could I not react to what I inferred with hurt and sometimes anger?
As time went on, I began to see a connection associated with my power to read minds. It was only effective when the thoughts I read, affirmed how I felt.
When someone did not react the way I expected them to, my power of mind reading told me this was because I was too stupid, I was unattractive, I was unworthy......Funny how that worked out.
It would never dawned on me that maybe I was too short, too slim and trim, too dark, too brown-eyed, too intellegent ......because I am none of those things. Funny how that worked out.
It also never dawned on me that perhaps I was not the center of their attention, that maybe I was not even on their radar cause they had their own stuff going on or they, being mere mortals, had no power to know what I was thinking and feeling. Poor dears.
And yet, there I was, blaming them because I was hurt, because afterall, I had the power to read other people's minds.
Since I had this gift of mind reading I wondered if perhaps I had other gifts, too. Maybe I had the power to take responsibility for the way I felt and reacted to things instead of giving that power away to a mere mortal.
I mean, what if I started to feel good/ worthy enough that I no longer needed to use my power of mind reading to infer what other people thought about me? What if it no longer mattered? What if I became good enough for me?
I am a work in progress. How about you?
The thread posted above is good. But i wonder if it's just me putting the blame back on myself. Because he doesn't have to read my mind- i put it out there - all he has to do is ask and then it's up to him what he does with it. It's an "event" and we both view the event in our own way - because we are our own people. But I question why so many people who care about me view the event similarly? Because they are outsiders looking in? Not a part of the problem?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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If he doesn't want to do anything that *I* want to do ..... is it okay for me to just go and do it?
What if he throws it in my face or tells his friends/family that I'm just always doing things for myself and never for us or him? That is a fear I have. I am not there to defend myself and then the friends/family have this warped view of who I am?
But really - what is better........ to let him see me feeling this way or get out and make myself feel better? and actually DO SOMETHING?!
What if he throws it in my face or tells his friends/family that I'm just always doing things for myself and never for us or him? That is a fear I have. I am not there to defend myself and then the friends/family have this warped view of who I am?
But really - what is better........ to let him see me feeling this way or get out and make myself feel better? and actually DO SOMETHING?!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((Abundance)))))
I have read this thread several times before replying cause I want to say something you can use.
What I see is you giving your power to another person. You want him to affirm your worth. Are you not worth something to yourself? Before you met him were you waiting around for someone to make you feel worthy? If so why?
Perhaps this is a time to rely on your HP to give you energy. Contact with your HP will prove that you are not worthless. The Kingdom is within. Try to find this connection because when you do you will see how unnecessary it is to try and get this from someone who has nothing to give.
Relying on someone else to make you feel anything is kind of disempowering place to be.
I see this as an opportunity to see where your expectations are taking you. You are trying to get attention or energy from someone who has none to give.
Take care and love yourself how about it...
I have read this thread several times before replying cause I want to say something you can use.
What I see is you giving your power to another person. You want him to affirm your worth. Are you not worth something to yourself? Before you met him were you waiting around for someone to make you feel worthy? If so why?
Perhaps this is a time to rely on your HP to give you energy. Contact with your HP will prove that you are not worthless. The Kingdom is within. Try to find this connection because when you do you will see how unnecessary it is to try and get this from someone who has nothing to give.
Relying on someone else to make you feel anything is kind of disempowering place to be.
I see this as an opportunity to see where your expectations are taking you. You are trying to get attention or energy from someone who has none to give.
Take care and love yourself how about it...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Abundance
All I want is adoration, attention, love, to be desired, to be wanted, for him to be interested in me.
We all want attention. We all want love and to be wanted. Adoration is, well, something else.....out of a fairy tale along with perfect soulmate and the one true love, thing.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Abundance
Thanks you guys...... I'm going to try and think of game plan for me today...... and try my hardest to stick with it.... even though just lying in bed crying is all i feel up to ...... but I know that will just make him think less of me. I want to feel like I am a super woman and that he would be proud of me. And quite frankly I don't blame him for not being proud of me. Cause I'm not.
My personal experience in having little to no self-esteem was that I was a bottomless pit. No one was never 'enough' for me, no one. They could not fill that empty gaping hole inside of me because that is an inside job.
From what I see, you being in therapy and trying to work on issues and still being involved with a toxic person is comparable to when I was in therapy on a regular basis and still drinking/drugging.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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I get what you all are saying......... but you need to keep the plant watered for it to stay alive, you need to put gas in the tank to keep it running.........
IN A RELATIONSHIP - it takes giving admiration, interest, caring, compassion, understanding to help it thrive. I am ASKING him for all these things and he just tells me he gives them to me by taking the trash out, working, taking boys to school... to not be drugging. HOWEVER, what I am asking for with complete humiliation.... is for some tenderness and attention.
On the other hand, I am asking him what I can do for HIM....... and he tells me he doesn't know.
SO .. what am I to do..... just fill myself up? Not ask of him for something he won't give, for whatever reason. And my anxiety and my own lack of self - confidence tells me it's because he just doesn't care about how much he is hurting me and is making the choice to not be there for me as I ask him to.... and to instead say that I am boo hooing mess that is never happy with anything that he does.
YET .... I will come up to him and embrace him, show my love tenderly , ask him what he needs / wants that I can do, tell him I'm so proud of him for all that he has accomplished and is accomplishing. Stand by him with the choices that he wants to do when he has passion about them. Like leaving in an hours notice to go back to be with his family for his grandfather not being well..... enabling him.... not hindering him.
And all i can do is think....... WHAT CAN I DO THEN? What can I do to make myself feel better?
IN A RELATIONSHIP - it takes giving admiration, interest, caring, compassion, understanding to help it thrive. I am ASKING him for all these things and he just tells me he gives them to me by taking the trash out, working, taking boys to school... to not be drugging. HOWEVER, what I am asking for with complete humiliation.... is for some tenderness and attention.
On the other hand, I am asking him what I can do for HIM....... and he tells me he doesn't know.
SO .. what am I to do..... just fill myself up? Not ask of him for something he won't give, for whatever reason. And my anxiety and my own lack of self - confidence tells me it's because he just doesn't care about how much he is hurting me and is making the choice to not be there for me as I ask him to.... and to instead say that I am boo hooing mess that is never happy with anything that he does.
YET .... I will come up to him and embrace him, show my love tenderly , ask him what he needs / wants that I can do, tell him I'm so proud of him for all that he has accomplished and is accomplishing. Stand by him with the choices that he wants to do when he has passion about them. Like leaving in an hours notice to go back to be with his family for his grandfather not being well..... enabling him.... not hindering him.
And all i can do is think....... WHAT CAN I DO THEN? What can I do to make myself feel better?
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