want2bfreenow

Hi everyone. As some of you may remember, my AH was in the hospital. To recap, I came home from work, he was acting crazy, and I called 911. He was going through severe withdrawal, was admitted, put on a ventilator and as of my last post was not doing so well. Fast forward a bit - he was on the vent for 10 days, and released about 5 days later. I told him he couldn't come back. My son and I had enough! While in the hospital he was ok with this, even agreed. The day he gets out he practically begs to come back and I held my ground. He was pissed, yelled and was generally mean, but went and stayed with his mom. He said he was going to AA and trying to clean up his life. He was coming here every day though - working on his car and doing some much needed work around the house. I kept telling him he couldn't hang around here, he doesn't live here anymore. He practically begged me to reconsider and I told him if there was any chance he would have to get his life together, be sober, actively working a program and working on all his underlying issues. I also told him not to get his hopes up because after all we've been through I don't know if I could ever love him like that again. Too much damage has been done and there is no trust. Plus, in one week we got into no less than three arguments, and he wasn't even staying here! He kept saying things like "that was the old me" and "I'm not that person anymore." I stayed strong though and didn't back down at all. So, I find out from his mom that he pretty much started drinking again within days of getting out of the hospital. Today he texted me that he checked himself into a detox center.

Anyway, onto me now. I've always thought that maybe I'm not really co-dependent. I've taken the self-test and thought I didn't answer that many yes and one of the things AH always said to me when we fought was "you're so f___ing independent!" But as much as I wanted him gone and am happy that he is, I find myself worrying about him. He left his mother's house days ago because she would not allow him to drink and I didn't know where he was staying before going into the detox center (if he really did). I would find myself wondering where he is and if he is ok, but then I would realize he is a grown man and needs to take care of himself! I need to worry about my son and myself. It's just so weird. I've been so miserable for so long and couldn't wait for this day and although I know I don't want him back, I can't help but worry about him and feel sorry for him.

I started thinking that maybe I am co-dependent. So, I went back and took the self-test again and really kept track of my answers and answered yes to 7 of them! I really think I'm going to buy that book everyone keeps recommending "Co-Dependent No More." I even saw it at a book store the other day, picked it up and then put it back. I haven't attended Al-Anon meetings yet, but I know they have them just a couple of blocks away and I'm going to make it a point to go. I haven't found any Al-Ateen meetings though, so do you think it's ok if I bring my 16 yr. old son with me to Al-Anon?

Thanks everyone! Even though I haven't posted a whole heck of a lot I do read here daily and have all helped me so much. I see so much of myself and AH in many of the stories here and I find it amazing how similar most of the stories are. I have gotten a lot of strength from this board and some really good starting points I think!

Thanks for reading, and sorry it's so long!

Ago

I am sorry you are going through this but I wanted to say:

Congratulations for getting down and dirty, nitty gritty honest with yourself.

Recovery from codependency begins with self honesty.

This is no small feat.

This can be the beginning of a new life, it truly can.

Congratulations.

I can't emphasize enough how important and great I think this is.

want2bfreenow

Thank you Ago! I really appreciate the encouragement and I believe you when you say this can be the beginning of a new life! I would just like to add to it "better life"!

GiveLove

((( want2bfree )))

You can be free any time you want - but I know how hard it is. You can bet I'll be thinking of you. I got a lot out of Codependent No More even though I was SURE it wasn't me they were talking about at first (I got it at the library the first time...)

Mambo Queen

I just wanted to say that I have been slowly, ever so slowly, but surely, extracting myself from my own complicated situation for a long time now, and I've finally decided to take everything people say here to heart and start doing the work on myself I've been avoiding because I felt like my STBXAH was the problem, so why did I need to work on myself? And guess what? It's helping. The therapy is helping and the checking in on these boards is helping, and reading about the steps and beginning to attend Al-Anon is my next step that I think will help. It is SO HARD to stop worrying about the addict, but I can truly feel my mindset, my resolve, and my happiness returning a little more each day. Take the actions you need to focus on you. Fake it till you make it. You don't have to give up worrying all at once, but take the actions that conventional wisdom says will help in the meantime, and I think you'll find the worrying lessen. You sound like a strong woman.

Freedom1990

At 16, your son is certainly old enough to attend Alanon, and hopefully it will also help him with the damage of alcoholism in your lives.

I refused to address my codependency issues for years, though kind and caring friends certainly suggested it many times. The end result was a lot of pain I continued to create for myself.

Good for you for standing your ground, and I know that God has wonderful things in store for you and your son! :ghug :ghug

Somebodyswife

Hoping on the codie bus. I took the test! No surprise, and no wonder I have been spinning my wheels for so many years. I have been reading, posting and attending Al Anon, and working the steps. I few years ago I did all this, but my mind set back then was hell he's the one with the problem not me. Oh boy was I wrong! If our marriage is too work I have to be willing to dig my heels in and get a little dirty. Just pray AH wakes up before its to late. He's not in any program yet; he's in the second stage of alcoholism and not a spring chicken so his health is at risk now.

Pelican

(((want2)))

Good for you! Good for you for taking actions to protect your son!

I took my 16 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter to an open Alanon meeting. Open meetings have a guest speaker sharing their personal experience and friends and family are welcome to attend. Regular meetings are more intimate where members share their feelings, hope, and experiences.

My children choose not to attend Alateen. We have a great relationship and I share with them after I attend my alanon meetings. We talk about the slogans and how to apply them, we discuss topics and readings.

The worry and "stinking thinking" you are having about your A is often referred to as -
Allowing the A to take up space in your head without paying rent.

Alanon has helped me to stop the stinking thinking when I recognize it happening.

This advice is something I refer to frequently in my "Courage to Change" alanon reader:
"Before I get into trouble,
before I open my mouth to react,
or get lost in obsessive analysis of another person's behavior,
or worrying about the future.
I can Stop.
Then I can Look at what is going on and my role in it.
I can Listen for spiritual guidance that will remind me of my options
and help me find healthy words and actions."

That encouragement has saved me a lot of grief and worry.

Keep on keeping on!

want2bfreenow

Thank you all for your responses and encouragement! I know we will be ok. Like I keep telling myself - this too shall pass. And also, they say God wont give you more than you can handle.

Somebodyswife - I am sorry you are going through this and I hope your A gets help sooner rather than later. I believe mine is end-stage. He has been drinking for more years than I knew him and his health is going down the tubes - he is diabetic, has high blood pressure, had anxiety and insomnia. I believe these are all a direct result of the years of alcohol abuse. If my A doesn't stop soon I think he will probably not live much longer. Good luck!

Oh yeah, I'm going to pick up that book and start reading! Thanks again!
:ghug:ghug