Carukia

Greetings. I am here to get some perspective on a recent event in my life. I just found out a friend from college was admitted to a 28-day inpatient program. I’ve known her for 27 years, and, with the exception of during her pregnancies, alcohol has always been a part of our social interaction. That’s just the way our circle (of a dozen college friends that continue to see each other regularly) works. Over the years, we have wondered out loud whether we were alcoholics, but, no matter how much we were drinking that week, the answer always came back “no.” She is the first from our circle to be treated for alcohol. At this point, I’m the only one in the circle (other than her husband) who knows that she’s in rehab.

I’ve got no idea how this is going to change things between us, and no idea how to help her (while she’s in rehab, or after she gets out). I know that this is going to change our circle’s group dynamic, too. I foresee having to choose between annual alcohol-soaked events with the circle, and dry events with her. How will I be able, in good conscience, invite her to ‘wet’ functions, knowing that she will be the odd man out? Has my drinking pushed her toward this current crisis? Am I going to be the next who needs rehab? I’m usually not this insecure, but the whole thing has me freaked out.

Does anyone have experience with a similar situation (from either side) that they’d like to share? Thanks in advance.

Ago

Welcome

As the person who got sober:

Don't treat her any differently

I can't tell you how important this was to me.

The people who were able to do that remain my friends decades later, the "friends" that got defensive, needed to explain themselves or their drinking got tedious in the extreme, and the "friends" that stopped calling or coming around never were my friends.

If she chooses to attend AA at some point you two will sit down and have a long heart to heart when she gets to step nine. Until then treat her no differently then you always have, except maybe to say you are happy for her for quitting if you really are happy about it.

cmc

Hi Carukia. Welcome to SR. One of the best things you could do here is to educate yourself about this disease- for your own benefit and in order to understand what is happening with your friend. There's tons of information in the sticky threads and of course plenty of posts from members here @ SR who share their own experiences both as alcholics and as friends or family members.

Carukia

Am I happy for her? I'm very conflicted. If I say "I'm happy that you've made this change for the better; you will be better off, your kids will be better off", etc., that begs the question: Why didn't I realize she was in such bad shape? Why didn't I help her make this change earlier? I feel I have failed her as a friend by letting her get to this point.

If she can come home from rehab and be a sober mom, I'm happy for her.

cmc

The choice to drink is/was hers alone. I can't make someone drink or stop drinking because the only person I have control of is myself.

If you read a good amount of posts here, you are bound to see the 3 C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.

And for some reason there's a 4th C that is not listed with the previous C's:
I can Contribute (which means that the choices I make and the things I say or do _may_ influence somebody else; but ultimately the choice remains with them and not with me.

If my love and good intentions or actions could actually make another person change, then we would have no need for forums like these, nor for rehabs or other recovery programs.

Ago

try not to overthink this

You failed no one

She made the decision to drink, she made the decision to get sober

far out, good for her

It's that simple

cmc

Here's a helpful thread about alcoholism taken from the sticky section:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html