Had to call 911 tonight. And he was arrested in January!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Had to call 911 tonight. And he was arrested in January!
Hi Everyone,
It's been a while since I've been on because I've needed a break. A break from talking and thinking about my ABF. But it didn't work.
Tonight I had to call 911 because after I'd gotten home, I realized he wasn't just sleeping, he was drunk. And unresponsive. Like, he could barely open his eyes and he couldn't look up at me. Since I didn't know what he'd taken, or how bad he was, I decided to call 911. The EMTs came and asked a lot of questions, and he wouldn't respond or open his eyes. He moved around some, and they took his sugar (he didn't even react when they stuck him!), blood pressure, then he sat up. Just looked at them. Didn't talk. They kept asking him to speak and he looked confused.
Then, one of them asked the magic question: How old are you?
He looked up and tried to talk, but couldn't say it. They decided right then to take him to the hospital.
I didn't go because I have something important to do for work tomorrow. I need sleep. I need to go to work. He chose to drink heavily today. He had a fight with his mom, and there was his excuse.
Last night I found among his stuff paperwork for a court hearing he'd attended. He was arrested a few months ago for drinking in public. AT 8:00 AM. He was arrested at 8 am for drinking in public. He needed it THAT BADLY, that he couldn't wait to get home??? I checked my email for that date and saw an email message I sent to a friend, telling her that the night before we were supposed to have a serious discussion about our relationship, but he showed up drunk. So, he slept it off, only to go out when he woke up to get some more.
I was pissed off and wanted to wake him up and shake some sense into him. But of all the years he's been an A, of his family members, rehab buddies, therapists, sponsors, doctors, articles and books - there is nothing I can say that is different from what he's heard.
I feel broken. But I need my rest and I have to be productive tomorrow. I don't know what to do. His brother again said he'd come here to kick him out. I think I may take him up on his offer now, if he takes him back to their state and puts him in a half way house.
My dear ABF must hit rock bottom and I'm the last girlfriend he'll have until he does...or maybe he's got another one in the hopper. Either way...
He needs to get out of my life.
Hugs are welcomed!
Ready.
It's been a while since I've been on because I've needed a break. A break from talking and thinking about my ABF. But it didn't work.
Tonight I had to call 911 because after I'd gotten home, I realized he wasn't just sleeping, he was drunk. And unresponsive. Like, he could barely open his eyes and he couldn't look up at me. Since I didn't know what he'd taken, or how bad he was, I decided to call 911. The EMTs came and asked a lot of questions, and he wouldn't respond or open his eyes. He moved around some, and they took his sugar (he didn't even react when they stuck him!), blood pressure, then he sat up. Just looked at them. Didn't talk. They kept asking him to speak and he looked confused.
Then, one of them asked the magic question: How old are you?
He looked up and tried to talk, but couldn't say it. They decided right then to take him to the hospital.
I didn't go because I have something important to do for work tomorrow. I need sleep. I need to go to work. He chose to drink heavily today. He had a fight with his mom, and there was his excuse.
Last night I found among his stuff paperwork for a court hearing he'd attended. He was arrested a few months ago for drinking in public. AT 8:00 AM. He was arrested at 8 am for drinking in public. He needed it THAT BADLY, that he couldn't wait to get home??? I checked my email for that date and saw an email message I sent to a friend, telling her that the night before we were supposed to have a serious discussion about our relationship, but he showed up drunk. So, he slept it off, only to go out when he woke up to get some more.
I was pissed off and wanted to wake him up and shake some sense into him. But of all the years he's been an A, of his family members, rehab buddies, therapists, sponsors, doctors, articles and books - there is nothing I can say that is different from what he's heard.
I feel broken. But I need my rest and I have to be productive tomorrow. I don't know what to do. His brother again said he'd come here to kick him out. I think I may take him up on his offer now, if he takes him back to their state and puts him in a half way house.
My dear ABF must hit rock bottom and I'm the last girlfriend he'll have until he does...or maybe he's got another one in the hopper. Either way...
Whatever.It.Takes
He needs to get out of my life.
Hugs are welcomed!
Ready.
Last edited by ReadyToHelp; 05-14-2009 at 07:27 PM. Reason: correction
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
While I am sorry he is still deep in his alcoholism, I do hope you are ready to help yourself. He's out now. Don't let him back in. Unless of course he is one the lease/co-owner of your home in which case, see a lawyer and find out what you can do before he is released from the hospital. You do no have to have this madness inyour life if you choose not to. You can take action.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
How tragic. I am so sorry things are not turning out the way you so deeply wish they would.
Please don't give him a soft place to land. His addiction is killing him and helping him in any way will hasten the process.
Bottom line: extended rehab, year separation while he mounts a massive effort to beat this. That would be my firm offer.
Alcohol is number one in his life. You come second.
A big hug and warmest wishes for a better life ahead for you. Just remember not to coddle the addiction: you will lose in every way.
Please don't give him a soft place to land. His addiction is killing him and helping him in any way will hasten the process.
Bottom line: extended rehab, year separation while he mounts a massive effort to beat this. That would be my firm offer.
Alcohol is number one in his life. You come second.
A big hug and warmest wishes for a better life ahead for you. Just remember not to coddle the addiction: you will lose in every way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by bluejay6 
Alcohol is number one in his life. You come second.
.
alcohol is the "one and only"
the enablers are not important in and among themselves, only important as they help to keep drinking
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I was pissed off and wanted to wake him up and shake some sense into him. But of all the years he's been an A, of his family members, rehab buddies, therapists, sponsors, doctors, articles and books - there is nothing I can say that is different from what he's heard.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and a member of Al-anon. Believe me - the only thing he will hear you say is: Blah, Blah, Blah, whine, whine, Blah, Blah, etc..
The message you hope to send will not penetrate the addiction.
You're doing good by taking care of yourself tonight and not babysitting him at the hospital. There are professional care takers at the hospital and they will know what to do with him.
If you've taken a break from SR, then it may be a good time to go back to the sticky notes at the top of the F&F section and re-read. The sticky titled "About Recovery" has a post by Morning Glory titled "Hooks which keep you in boundary-less relationships" and contains this helpful advice:
4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
(Thank you Morning Glory!)
Hugs to you (((Ready))), and I hope you are Ready to Help YOU!
I am a recovering alcoholic, and a member of Al-anon. Believe me - the only thing he will hear you say is: Blah, Blah, Blah, whine, whine, Blah, Blah, etc..
The message you hope to send will not penetrate the addiction.
You're doing good by taking care of yourself tonight and not babysitting him at the hospital. There are professional care takers at the hospital and they will know what to do with him.
If you've taken a break from SR, then it may be a good time to go back to the sticky notes at the top of the F&F section and re-read. The sticky titled "About Recovery" has a post by Morning Glory titled "Hooks which keep you in boundary-less relationships" and contains this helpful advice:
4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
(Thank you Morning Glory!)
Hugs to you (((Ready))), and I hope you are Ready to Help YOU!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
((ReadToHelp))
I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I hope you know you have a wide set of tools to use at this tough time. I hope he is OK and he gets another shot at life and recovery. However, its only between HP and him. Please trust HP.
I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I hope you know you have a wide set of tools to use at this tough time. I hope he is OK and he gets another shot at life and recovery. However, its only between HP and him. Please trust HP.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Thank you for the hugs...but I'm angry tonight.
Thank you all for writing. My ABF knocked on my apartment door at 4:30 am this morning. I was so annoyed that I couldn't finish my night's sleep. He was lucid, but kind of out of it, and looked like he ripped the IV out of his arm (there was fresh bood on the sleeve of his undershirt).
There was no way I was going to condition him to believe that when he's drunk, I will be closer to him than I would be if he were sober. I made that mistake when he disappeared and binged in a hotel for four days. And to make matters worse, he told me that he had a fantasy that I would find him and come to save him. Great. I turned that sick idea into a reality.
He is drunk again today, maybe worse. He got up and sat right on the toilet, but the cover was down, and I was too late to lift it before he sat. Well, thank goodness it was just #1, but I'm angry that I didn't have my video camera ready to capture such a degrading moment. He even stood up in "mid stream" and did his thing free style. He did not even know what he was doing wrong. It would have been amazing footage.
Video taping him during a binge, I think, may help him one day see what we see, and what he doesn't remember, when he's drunk. He's told his family that they've made things up. He could argue that I never had to clean up after him. I am my only witness. He was out of his mind when it happened. I video taped the wetness on his air mattress and how he ate spaghetti with his bare hands in clumps, while falling over towards the table. How he staggered around the apartment and couldn't walk three steps without almost falling. Not even knowing what the heck he was doing. Not that this is a technological replacement for a Rock Bottom; I just think it'll be proof of what he becomes and he needs to see it, as embarssing and humiliating as it is.
Still Waters: He's got to leave by May 31. He will be off the lease and he submitted paperwork to the office indicating that he will leave by then. I will have legal grounds to have him banned from my building. I am waiting for the opportunity to have him removed sooner: threatening demeanor, suicidal comments, whatever. That's what "detachment" does for us enablers! I'm glad I'm there.
Barbara52: Thank goodness I thought of that sooner - I did speak with an attorney and the ABF is on my lease, but I took steps to make it until May 31. And I will not waver. While I am sure I am stressed out to the max, I refuse to let go of my sanity, my responsibilities and my self-respect. I will do what needs to be done to get to May 31, and then the locks will change, even if he has not moved out yet. That will be really hard to watch, but I am ready.
Bluejay: I protected him from his rock bottom, as did his family. They did it for 15 years. I did it for only 2. I just think that he's avoided hitting it, and now that he's here, I have a bad feeling that he will not move out by May 31, and he will be homeless. (I believe that could be rock bottom for him - loss of friends, family and any connection.) I am NOT standing in his way. I hate it that I have to be the one who will/may put him in the streets. A friend of mine told me, "Maybe it has to be you."
Steve: I have accepted that he uses words (I love you, you're my one and only, my soulmate, etc.) and I turned them into meaning, while completely ignoring his actions (which contradicted his words!). While it's hard to say "he's using me", I will accept that to be the truth. I think he cares for me deeply, but as a love/soulmate/woman/partner - he's not capable. As a host, yes, this parasite loves me for what I provide.
Pelican: That was great. I hate to admit any of it, too. I don't want to explore how my feelings for him have changed until he leaves. I do pity him. It sickens me to know I am with a man who may very well be dead within a few months. Or weeks. Or dead before May 31. I felt sorry for my prior ex - one day I thought, "but who will love him?" Then I realized that I was hanging on because I felt he'd be lost without me. And he was. He loved how I made him feel about himself, not for who I am. And I think this one is right there, except he's got even more pity on his side - the addiction is worse than just plain low self-esteem. Besides, who do I love anyway? Who is he??? I held onto him so tightly that I wouldn't let him show his true colors and when he did, I ignored the signs. :ghug3 I was just so happy he was in my life. My college love. That's all he was. Not the con-artist, underachiever, sarcastic, disrespectful man he really is (and may have been back then but I was too young to know it!). How could one get excited over that set of qualities?
I remember when my brother used to complain all the time that my mom was always complaining about him. I thought "but she wants you to stop drinking; that's not complaining, that's caring and telling you to do something good". But he always complained that she complained, he never mentioned her why. I see that in my ABF. I am the problem. I am the reason he has to move out. (I think to myself: OK, it was me. Just be out by May 31, my love.)
TakingCharge: I have released him from my heart and grasp and I've let go of the belief that I could take part in his recovery. I accepted that it is between him, his HP and the devil. I am not sure if he believes in God (or any HP) anymore, which saddens me. That means he has nothing to look up to and ask for help from. Again, that's between him and whatever he's got going on in his mind. There's no room for me at that tea party.
I just feel icky having to sit here waiting for May 31, and for now, waiting for him to sober up or lose his 2 jobs. I have no idea how I will clean my apartment. Gloves and bleach, I guess. I'm waiting for him to start throwing up, too. Hopefully he won't do it on my rug. I am outraged that he has allowed himself to get this drunk in my home - while he knows how disgusting he gets when he gets this drunk. I have never seen him this bad - and frankly, he didn't even do this in the hotel during his binge last year, where someone else had to clean up his mess. AM I THAT LOW ON HIS LIST??
Ok, he's in my bed now. Great. I think pity just went out the window. I'll sleep on the floor. This will not break me. I will not lose my composure.
Really, Really Ready.
There was no way I was going to condition him to believe that when he's drunk, I will be closer to him than I would be if he were sober. I made that mistake when he disappeared and binged in a hotel for four days. And to make matters worse, he told me that he had a fantasy that I would find him and come to save him. Great. I turned that sick idea into a reality.
He is drunk again today, maybe worse. He got up and sat right on the toilet, but the cover was down, and I was too late to lift it before he sat. Well, thank goodness it was just #1, but I'm angry that I didn't have my video camera ready to capture such a degrading moment. He even stood up in "mid stream" and did his thing free style. He did not even know what he was doing wrong. It would have been amazing footage.
Video taping him during a binge, I think, may help him one day see what we see, and what he doesn't remember, when he's drunk. He's told his family that they've made things up. He could argue that I never had to clean up after him. I am my only witness. He was out of his mind when it happened. I video taped the wetness on his air mattress and how he ate spaghetti with his bare hands in clumps, while falling over towards the table. How he staggered around the apartment and couldn't walk three steps without almost falling. Not even knowing what the heck he was doing. Not that this is a technological replacement for a Rock Bottom; I just think it'll be proof of what he becomes and he needs to see it, as embarssing and humiliating as it is.
Still Waters: He's got to leave by May 31. He will be off the lease and he submitted paperwork to the office indicating that he will leave by then. I will have legal grounds to have him banned from my building. I am waiting for the opportunity to have him removed sooner: threatening demeanor, suicidal comments, whatever. That's what "detachment" does for us enablers! I'm glad I'm there.
Barbara52: Thank goodness I thought of that sooner - I did speak with an attorney and the ABF is on my lease, but I took steps to make it until May 31. And I will not waver. While I am sure I am stressed out to the max, I refuse to let go of my sanity, my responsibilities and my self-respect. I will do what needs to be done to get to May 31, and then the locks will change, even if he has not moved out yet. That will be really hard to watch, but I am ready.
Bluejay: I protected him from his rock bottom, as did his family. They did it for 15 years. I did it for only 2. I just think that he's avoided hitting it, and now that he's here, I have a bad feeling that he will not move out by May 31, and he will be homeless. (I believe that could be rock bottom for him - loss of friends, family and any connection.) I am NOT standing in his way. I hate it that I have to be the one who will/may put him in the streets. A friend of mine told me, "Maybe it has to be you."
Steve: I have accepted that he uses words (I love you, you're my one and only, my soulmate, etc.) and I turned them into meaning, while completely ignoring his actions (which contradicted his words!). While it's hard to say "he's using me", I will accept that to be the truth. I think he cares for me deeply, but as a love/soulmate/woman/partner - he's not capable. As a host, yes, this parasite loves me for what I provide.
Pelican: That was great. I hate to admit any of it, too. I don't want to explore how my feelings for him have changed until he leaves. I do pity him. It sickens me to know I am with a man who may very well be dead within a few months. Or weeks. Or dead before May 31. I felt sorry for my prior ex - one day I thought, "but who will love him?" Then I realized that I was hanging on because I felt he'd be lost without me. And he was. He loved how I made him feel about himself, not for who I am. And I think this one is right there, except he's got even more pity on his side - the addiction is worse than just plain low self-esteem. Besides, who do I love anyway? Who is he??? I held onto him so tightly that I wouldn't let him show his true colors and when he did, I ignored the signs. :ghug3 I was just so happy he was in my life. My college love. That's all he was. Not the con-artist, underachiever, sarcastic, disrespectful man he really is (and may have been back then but I was too young to know it!). How could one get excited over that set of qualities?
I remember when my brother used to complain all the time that my mom was always complaining about him. I thought "but she wants you to stop drinking; that's not complaining, that's caring and telling you to do something good". But he always complained that she complained, he never mentioned her why. I see that in my ABF. I am the problem. I am the reason he has to move out. (I think to myself: OK, it was me. Just be out by May 31, my love.)
TakingCharge: I have released him from my heart and grasp and I've let go of the belief that I could take part in his recovery. I accepted that it is between him, his HP and the devil. I am not sure if he believes in God (or any HP) anymore, which saddens me. That means he has nothing to look up to and ask for help from. Again, that's between him and whatever he's got going on in his mind. There's no room for me at that tea party.
I just feel icky having to sit here waiting for May 31, and for now, waiting for him to sober up or lose his 2 jobs. I have no idea how I will clean my apartment. Gloves and bleach, I guess. I'm waiting for him to start throwing up, too. Hopefully he won't do it on my rug. I am outraged that he has allowed himself to get this drunk in my home - while he knows how disgusting he gets when he gets this drunk. I have never seen him this bad - and frankly, he didn't even do this in the hotel during his binge last year, where someone else had to clean up his mess. AM I THAT LOW ON HIS LIST??
Ok, he's in my bed now. Great. I think pity just went out the window. I'll sleep on the floor. This will not break me. I will not lose my composure.
Really, Really Ready.
Last edited by ReadyToHelp; 05-15-2009 at 09:13 PM. Reason: corrections
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Ready To Help I just wanted to say Hi. 2 months ago I broke up with my abf after 5 long yrs. I had enough. Your post reminded me of a time where I came home from a weekend at the lake to find my bf passed out and not really responsive. He was talking so I did not call 911 but needless to say it still was very bad. He had drank the entire time I was away causing him to loose his job and basically not take care of my little dog like he should have.
This was one situation out of many that affected me. I was not able to concentrate at work, my health started being affected, I had no ambition b/c i was depressed, I never had a normal steady routine in my life b/c it was ALWAYS interrupted by his drinking. What I am trying to say is that it has been 2 months since he has been out of my life and even though at times I still miss him I am enjoying my life so much more. We only get to live once and you need to get this person out of your life that is making you miserable.
I know that it is scary and at first it was not easy. I cried a lot and I sometimes still do but each day I get a little more happy and I am starting to see things a little more clear.
My exabf had all the same kind of support and I have realized the hard way that all this stuff is just stuff unless he wants help. Also they can say that they want help(mine used to cry to me b/c of wanting help) but he never really went through with anything.
All I can say is hang in there, don't beat yourself up for any of this and try to smile everyday. I know it is hard but we our only given this one life to live so don't spend it being upset.:ghug
This was one situation out of many that affected me. I was not able to concentrate at work, my health started being affected, I had no ambition b/c i was depressed, I never had a normal steady routine in my life b/c it was ALWAYS interrupted by his drinking. What I am trying to say is that it has been 2 months since he has been out of my life and even though at times I still miss him I am enjoying my life so much more. We only get to live once and you need to get this person out of your life that is making you miserable.
I know that it is scary and at first it was not easy. I cried a lot and I sometimes still do but each day I get a little more happy and I am starting to see things a little more clear.
I was pissed off and wanted to wake him up and shake some sense into him. But of all the years he's been an A, of his family members, rehab buddies, therapists, sponsors, doctors, articles and books - there is nothing I can say that is different from what he's heard.
All I can say is hang in there, don't beat yourself up for any of this and try to smile everyday. I know it is hard but we our only given this one life to live so don't spend it being upset.:ghug
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
But - you don't know where or when that bottom will be. No one does. How long are you going to wait?
I can not stress to you enough how much better it is on the other side....the healing side.... of this addiction.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
We only get to live once and you need to get this person out of your life that is making you miserable.
it's been 4 yrs, xabf would drink w his meds, & be passed out. I would come home from work & he fell into bathrm sink, chipped & lost teeth. Gee I don't miss that. Life is Good, now
it's been 4 yrs, xabf would drink w his meds, & be passed out. I would come home from work & he fell into bathrm sink, chipped & lost teeth. Gee I don't miss that. Life is Good, now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Update
Hey, everyone. I didn't sleep on the floor last night. I refused to. I put a clean sheet on my side of the bed, and slept on it. I decided to stop being angry because he didn't know what he was doing anyway, so who would suffer? Me!
I am in the process of accepting that death may be my ABF's rock bottom. It used to make me physically nauseous but now, it just feels bad.
I told him this morning to please respect my apartment, even if it doesn't feel like a home, and to not binge again. When I told him about the bathroom scene, he looked surprised, and I told him whatever it is that I've done to him - it wasn't bad enough to deserve this treatment. He apologized and said I've done nothing. The response in my head was, "Say what you want, just show me the calendar. OK, 15 more days, that's all I need to know."
After last night, if I live to be 120 years old, I won't take his phone calls no matter how sorry he says he is, no matter how sober he gets, no matter what he does with his life. I'm through.
As my final gift, I will create a DVD when I get a new computer (after he leaves), and put on it the video footage that I'm collecting. I will include the audio I taped of him crying during the night. He needs to see what we see; what he presents to his friends and family and what we've experienced. He needs to experience it, too.
He's supposed to work tonight and tomorrow night. We'll see. The goal is to have him keep his jobs and get to May 31. Then he is no longer on the lease. I will stay focused.
Thank you for listening and for the advice and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:praying
I am in the process of accepting that death may be my ABF's rock bottom. It used to make me physically nauseous but now, it just feels bad.
I told him this morning to please respect my apartment, even if it doesn't feel like a home, and to not binge again. When I told him about the bathroom scene, he looked surprised, and I told him whatever it is that I've done to him - it wasn't bad enough to deserve this treatment. He apologized and said I've done nothing. The response in my head was, "Say what you want, just show me the calendar. OK, 15 more days, that's all I need to know."
After last night, if I live to be 120 years old, I won't take his phone calls no matter how sorry he says he is, no matter how sober he gets, no matter what he does with his life. I'm through.
As my final gift, I will create a DVD when I get a new computer (after he leaves), and put on it the video footage that I'm collecting. I will include the audio I taped of him crying during the night. He needs to see what we see; what he presents to his friends and family and what we've experienced. He needs to experience it, too.
He's supposed to work tonight and tomorrow night. We'll see. The goal is to have him keep his jobs and get to May 31. Then he is no longer on the lease. I will stay focused.
Thank you for listening and for the advice and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by Pelican
I was pissed off and wanted to wake him up and shake some sense into him. But of all the years he's been an A, of his family members, rehab buddies, therapists, sponsors, doctors, articles and books - there is nothing I can say that is different from what he's heard.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and a member of Al-anon. Believe me - the only thing he will hear you say is: Blah, Blah, Blah, whine, whine, Blah, Blah, etc..
The message you hope to send will not penetrate the addiction.
You're doing good by taking care of yourself tonight and not babysitting him at the hospital. There are professional care takers at the hospital and they will know what to do with him.
If you've taken a break from SR, then it may be a good time to go back to the sticky notes at the top of the F&F section and re-read. The sticky titled "About Recovery" has a post by Morning Glory titled "Hooks which keep you in boundary-less relationships" and contains this helpful advice:
4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
(Thank you Morning Glory!)
Hugs to you (((Ready))), and I hope you are Ready to Help YOU!
I am a recovering alcoholic, and a member of Al-anon. Believe me - the only thing he will hear you say is: Blah, Blah, Blah, whine, whine, Blah, Blah, etc..
The message you hope to send will not penetrate the addiction.
You're doing good by taking care of yourself tonight and not babysitting him at the hospital. There are professional care takers at the hospital and they will know what to do with him.
If you've taken a break from SR, then it may be a good time to go back to the sticky notes at the top of the F&F section and re-read. The sticky titled "About Recovery" has a post by Morning Glory titled "Hooks which keep you in boundary-less relationships" and contains this helpful advice:
4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
(Thank you Morning Glory!)
Hugs to you (((Ready))), and I hope you are Ready to Help YOU!
But, like I said, I'll explore my feelings for him after he leaves. Right now, I want him to just go. I'll be honest later. I still need to remain compassionate and gentle, but stern. May 31 stands.
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As my final gift, I will create a DVD when I get a new computer (after he leaves), and put on it the video footage that I'm collecting. I will include the audio I taped of him crying during the night. He needs to see what we see; what he presents to his friends and family and what we've experienced. He needs to experience it, too.
He has experienced it, isn't that him in the video?
Are you giving him this video "gift" to make yourself feel better? Or because you think it will be the thing to get him to stop drinking? When the alcoholics in my life have expressed astonishment or denial when confronted with their antics I know it is just the massive bulwark of defense that the disease constructs to keep them drinking. Putting effort towards getting them to see themselves the way I do, or interpret events the way I do is a dead ender for me and them!
It seems cruel to put all this footage together as a "gift" for him...I don't know why but it makes me uneasy because for me, if I were doing that, it would be because some part of me hasn't accepted that the alcoholic will not seek help until they are ready. It would mean that I have not completely accepted that it is not that the alcoholic's problem is not believeing the sad picture of themselves, it is that they are suffering from alcoholism, plain and simple.
I guess I would only give this video to someone if I was still clinging to the idea that if I could just get the alkie to see how bad they are they would change....and that way of thinking has brought me NOTHING but misery...that's just the reaction I had when I read your post....
I'm glad you've got a plan for May 31st and I hope you can stay safe and sane until then!!
peace,
b
He has experienced it, isn't that him in the video?
Are you giving him this video "gift" to make yourself feel better? Or because you think it will be the thing to get him to stop drinking? When the alcoholics in my life have expressed astonishment or denial when confronted with their antics I know it is just the massive bulwark of defense that the disease constructs to keep them drinking. Putting effort towards getting them to see themselves the way I do, or interpret events the way I do is a dead ender for me and them!
It seems cruel to put all this footage together as a "gift" for him...I don't know why but it makes me uneasy because for me, if I were doing that, it would be because some part of me hasn't accepted that the alcoholic will not seek help until they are ready. It would mean that I have not completely accepted that it is not that the alcoholic's problem is not believeing the sad picture of themselves, it is that they are suffering from alcoholism, plain and simple.
I guess I would only give this video to someone if I was still clinging to the idea that if I could just get the alkie to see how bad they are they would change....and that way of thinking has brought me NOTHING but misery...that's just the reaction I had when I read your post....
I'm glad you've got a plan for May 31st and I hope you can stay safe and sane until then!!
peace,
b
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Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
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I agree with Bernadette. I would not make the video....and do you REALLY think he will WATCH it?
We don't need to prove an addict's miserable life to him.....he wakes up and feels it every day.....and reaches for the drug to get rid of the memories and the shame.
All we need to do is stop babying him, say what we mean and mean what we say, and don't make excuses for him. Hands off the addict.
We don't need to prove an addict's miserable life to him.....he wakes up and feels it every day.....and reaches for the drug to get rid of the memories and the shame.
All we need to do is stop babying him, say what we mean and mean what we say, and don't make excuses for him. Hands off the addict.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
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We don't need to prove an addict's miserable life to him.....he wakes up and feels it every day.....and reaches for the drug to get rid of the memories and the shame.
The best way to show him that he is screwing up is by you walking away and getting on with your life!!
It is hard...you want something positive to come out of all the pain and hurt that you have been through. I totally get that...believe me. I deal with this every single day still but the reality of it is is that NOTHING that I do is going to change him. I am so proud of myself for finally realizing this and it took forever and a whole lot of convincing from people on here but I have seen the light. It is not easy and sometimes that light is not always comforting but I have given this problem to my higher power and have surrenderd!!!
Don't waste any more precious time on his problem. Get out there and live your life!!!
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I have a video of me drunk from nearly twenty years ago from right before I got sober.
It was included in a video that sold quite a few copies as revenge for something I did. (actually, this guy had some girl he was having an affair with him angry at him, so she cut a huge chunk of his hair off in retaliation for a bad haircut she had got from him one night when I was bartending. He fancied himself Warren Beatty in that movie Shampoo, and took himself and his curly locks pretty seriously. I was called to the witness stand to testify, since I had seen it, but testified not only had I seen nothing, but every client in the Bar that evening happened to be from out of town, and that any information I gave would be "hairsay". He was a little upset with me. )
In this video, I arm wrestle two guys, nearly get in a fist fight, make out with two girls, one of whom is around 65 years old. (I was in my early twenties) It's absolutely horrifying to watch for me.
I watch it every few years, whenever I think a drink is a good idea, or just if I forget where drinking takes me.
It's very important to me to own this.
I can't say "do this" or "don't do this thing", only relate my experience with it.
It was included in a video that sold quite a few copies as revenge for something I did. (actually, this guy had some girl he was having an affair with him angry at him, so she cut a huge chunk of his hair off in retaliation for a bad haircut she had got from him one night when I was bartending. He fancied himself Warren Beatty in that movie Shampoo, and took himself and his curly locks pretty seriously. I was called to the witness stand to testify, since I had seen it, but testified not only had I seen nothing, but every client in the Bar that evening happened to be from out of town, and that any information I gave would be "hairsay". He was a little upset with me. )
In this video, I arm wrestle two guys, nearly get in a fist fight, make out with two girls, one of whom is around 65 years old. (I was in my early twenties) It's absolutely horrifying to watch for me.
I watch it every few years, whenever I think a drink is a good idea, or just if I forget where drinking takes me.
It's very important to me to own this.
I can't say "do this" or "don't do this thing", only relate my experience with it.
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I will be counting the days with you until he is out of your home. You are showing great compassion by helping him until that time.
I can understand your desire to video tape him so he can truly understand your view of his addiction and possibly push him towards recovery with the reality of it. I just have to agree with the others when they say that such a thing is really for your benefit alone. It is going to be lost on him until he has been in recovery and wants to see how his actions affected others in order to amend them.
When my ABF does or says something hurtful or acts rudely towards me, I do find myself making a mental note of it and thinking, I'll put this in my final goodbye letter to him as my big example as to why I left. I often feel a bit deflated later on when I realize it won't matter what example I use or how many I give. All he will see is a reason to continue his addiction.
When he feels an undesired emotion, he drinks. When he feels an undesired emotion (guilt or disgust maybe?) because he drank, he drinks more. On and on. I've seen him get drunk because it a remarkably lovely day out, and he just wanted to sit and enjoy it with a couple of six packs. The next day he got more drunk because it rained all day and ruined the mood he had from the day before.
What does he need me to write stuff down for?
It may not help, but it's my take on it.
Peace to you.
Alice
I can understand your desire to video tape him so he can truly understand your view of his addiction and possibly push him towards recovery with the reality of it. I just have to agree with the others when they say that such a thing is really for your benefit alone. It is going to be lost on him until he has been in recovery and wants to see how his actions affected others in order to amend them.
When my ABF does or says something hurtful or acts rudely towards me, I do find myself making a mental note of it and thinking, I'll put this in my final goodbye letter to him as my big example as to why I left. I often feel a bit deflated later on when I realize it won't matter what example I use or how many I give. All he will see is a reason to continue his addiction.
When he feels an undesired emotion, he drinks. When he feels an undesired emotion (guilt or disgust maybe?) because he drank, he drinks more. On and on. I've seen him get drunk because it a remarkably lovely day out, and he just wanted to sit and enjoy it with a couple of six packs. The next day he got more drunk because it rained all day and ruined the mood he had from the day before.
What does he need me to write stuff down for?
It may not help, but it's my take on it.
Peace to you.
Alice
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