Antone

"Jack" is my co-worker and has been a model of sobriety and inspiration to me - until today. Jack is an older man, in his seventies, one of my supervisors and professional mentors, and he has been sober for 16 months. A month or so ago, I confided in Jack that I had decided also to choose sobriety. So, I've felt supported by Jack and have touched base with him time to time to compare notes on our sober paths. Today, Jack told me that he would be bringing in to work a "Chardonnay sauce." I recently posted about a barbecue sauce with Jack Daniels that had caused me some concern. I asked Jack how he felt about the Chardonnay sauce and he said it "drains off" overnight in the refrigerator. I've already made a decision not to partake in it. Anyway, Jack went on to say that he, his wife, and another couple were going to the wine country this weekend (I live in the SF Bay Area) and that he intended to imbibe in wine. "What am I going to do," he said, "Go up to the wine country and drink Pepsi?" My heart dropped. He added, "I do feel bad ending 16 months of sobriety, though." I felt sad. Jack was going back to drinking (because I doubt it will end with a few glasses of wine this weekend). My confidence in keeping my own sobriety was shaken for a while. I mean, I'm still thinking about it. But I realize that while I feel support from others in maintaining sobriety, ultimately it is my own decision. I also know that slips don't always come in dramatic fashion. Slips can sneak in under the radar in a seemingly harmless way.

I once went without sugar (a major addiction for me) for months. One day, I decided to have one animal cracker, one. I don't have to tell you what happened next.

I'm sad Jack has decided to drink after 16 months of sobriety. I now have 73 days. Right now I make a commitment to continue my sobriety and skip the Chardonnay sauce this Monday.

Hevyn

Hi Antone. I'm sorry you were disappointed by your friend's dangerous lapse in judgment. For a man of his age, that's just insane. He may find it very difficult to regain his sobriety. Maybe it'll serve the purpose of causing you to be even more careful with your own situation, seeing how easily a person can cave. As you said, slips don't always come in dramatic fashion - we must be vigilant.

joedris

You've made a wise move. If Jack chooses to drink, that's his problem. You have wisely chosen not to. Congratulations.

Dee74

One of the things I've had to learn/am still learning, is that people will make choices, especially drinking or using choices, that I find downright stupid and/or dangerous...and I can't do a thing about it.

Congratulations to you for 73 days Antone that's great.

What others do is their business - don't let it make you doubt what you know is right for you.
D

least

Good for you, for staying sober!:ghug3 I'm sorry too your friend has decided to jump off the wagon, but you don't have to jump with him. Congrats on 73 days! Sobriety rocks!

Dime

Hi Antoine,

Nice seeing you in chat last night. I have sober a little while longer than Jack and the one I have learned is that everyone does not stay sober. The odd thing is that sometimes I am completely surprised by who does and who does not. Many of my friends who had a lot more sobriety than I do now have less. The bottom line for me is that I am not going to drink not matter what. You can take out back and beat me and I still won't drink.

Maybe what has really helped me is that I listen to patients in a detox hospital on a regular basis tell their stories. I figure that I pretty much could never use any of the excuses they used for going out. Well they have covered the bases pretty well in the many times that I have listened to them.

Hang in there and just don't drink. You will have many more experiences like "Jacks" in the future. You may reverse roles and find your sobriety mentors become people that you are helping to stay sober. One guy with twenty years commented that he always greets newcomers because they may be his next sponsor.

But we just don't have to drink.

Jules62

It always used to surprise me when people with a decent amount of sober time would choose to go back out-but it doesn't anymore.We are all one drink away from being there really and any of us could make that choice given the worst set of circumstances.(or sometimes even the best!)

What it has made me realise though is I am the only one responsible for my sobriety.It doesn't matter if a thousand people around me are drinking like there's no tomorrow, or if they're all drinking pepsi....my choice is to not drink and to create a better life for myself.

I DO understand how disappointing it is when someone you looked up to, fails you.I've experienced that here at SR and offline.But ultimately?What they do doesn't have to determine what I do and I just won't give other people that power anymore.

It can be hard and sometimes painful and I do feel for you.But hang in there.For every one person that may let you down this way?There are many others walking alongside you and cheering you on too.You're not alone.

Jules xox

NewBeginning010

He has not failed you he has failed himself. I hope that he gets to the wine country & changes his mind and has a great story of him drinking Pepsi in a cool dark wine cellar.

You are on the right path for you.

Take Care,

NB

Antone

Thank-you ALL for your inspiring words and support. I got a lot out of every one of these shares. Whatever happens, I'm not going to drink.

jamdls

Congrats on your sobriety. Sorry that your friend has disappointed you but sobriety is a tough road and not everyone has the willpower to maintain. I with you on not partaking of alcohol flavored food, I know that the alcohol supposedly is removed when cooking but it's the prinicipal of it to me. I hope your friend can resist the urge to imbide but if not perhaps you will become the inspiration that he needs.

Judy

Tazman53

Antone my sponsor told me quite a while ago that the only person that can keep me sober is me and that I do not have the ability to get any one drunk!

You know I really feel he is right, in thinking about it, I have to make the decision that I am going to drink, no one can make me drink, they can only give me a reason for me to use to decide to drink.

In the end it is all up to me, I can turn my back on my HP, I can turn my back on it all and just pick it up. For me there is no sane reason for me to ever drink again.

My sponsor also told me to never hang my sobriety on the coat tails of some one elses sobriety, just turn it over to yout HP.

Sponsors die, sponsors move, and sometimes sponsors pick up again.

tk1fry

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It really hurts when we look up to someone and they don't live up to our ideals of what we thought or think they are. Even in my short sobriety I have seen people come, go, and some even come back. People whom I admire and respect. For me there is a sence of loss and a sence of hopelessness when these things happen, it helps for me to identify these feelings and sometimes share them and other times journal about it to help accept them. Just know that your loss in this situation is a part of recovery. Other people are the ones that we cannot change and need to accept, but that does not mean that you have to condon it. We are all just a drink away. All you or anyone can do is live and work your recovery and maybe he will see YOU as a living example of hope.

Mattcake

Has your friend already left? Without getting emotionally involved or over-attached to the outcome, maybe you could ask him if he wants to talk about the situation some more, and offer him support. Bad decisions can sometimes be averted by the intervention of someone who cares.

Antone

Yes, I ate some Jack Daniels barbecue sauce a while ago (homemade) and didn't feel right about it. I don't need the taste of Chardonnay alcohol or not. Thanks for the support.

Antone

I thought about this. It could be awkward. He's not just a casual mentor, but an official one. It didn't feel right at the moment and I don't see him everyday. You know, I was kind of shocked when he said he was going to pick up. At that moment, I was too taken aback to really present a skillful or thoughtful response. The best I feel I can do right now is let him go his own way (this weekend) and tend to my own sobriety.

Mattcake

I can see how it could be awkward and disconcerting, and you should definitely focus on your own sobriety. But sometimes, we all need a helping hand, or someone to talk to. Just a thought... I hope that he'll make the right decision over the weekend.

littlefish

It's a shame that his wife apparently is not supportive of his sobriety. Strange that she apparently thinks a trip into wine country with a husband with 16 months sobriety is alright. It's sad to hear about someone so consciously choosing to go out. But, maybe he really never developed a solid state of sobriety? Has he worked the steps in AA or used another kind of program?