Zencat

Well it has got me to thinking...and as a tag line: my best thinking keeps me in addiction treatment. But why be in addiction treatment, sober, clean, *aware*... when being aware was the very or at least the one thing that using dulled...or being loaded made me chemically blissfully *unaware*. So what now? I mean why keep going down this awareness journey if the journey its self has no meaning? I don't know...I don't care...better yet I have no expectations. That's it...no expectations. I don't need them or need to know why I would need them. I'm not expecting my journey in recover to lead anywhere other than its better to be on a journey than to be stagnate in addiction.

I think its a matter of keep moving...in directions foreknown by those with knowledge...for better or worse. For it is the act of flowing in a direction that treatment takes me...over a path others have traveled...to a destination I hope to truly and deeply know but never reach.

Gypsy Feet

If I was stagnating in addiction I probably wouldn't have come here. I was on a downward spiral, through deeper levels of shame and disgust.

I also don't know where I am headed and that's o.k., as long as it is the opposite direction I was traveling through my own filth.

Katie09

Thanks, very thoughtful post. I do wonder about your last sentence though. Why is it you don't think you can reach that place or destination? Or am I misinterpreting what you are saying? Isn't that what recovery is all about? If I didn't think I could get there, I would not be doing this. Sure, I can only hope too, but part of me thinks I am not doing this for fun, rather to get there.

I too feel at times I'll never get there, but it is possible, so they say.

Zencat

I guess I was trying to say as in the Chinese Proverb: The journey is the reward. For me being drug free is an essential part of the journey but personal growth would be my prime motivator. Its a process of becoming 'whole' as a person and never coming to an end of the process. Its like the destination is the end of learning, an end of growth.

Katie09

Oh, I see, I love that Chinese stuff Part of what comes up a lot in my treatment group refers to Eastern religions - Taosim, Jainism - just last night. The therapist actually taught religious studies (yet he never refers to traditional Western stuff for the most part). There is much to be learned from those half a world away. Now I understand where you are coming from. Thanks.

jamdls

I've never thought of sobriety as the means to reach a goal, being sober is/and was the goal. My journey of self discovery has not really had a goal either, however, it has made me a very happy person. I've changed from a person who could barely face a new day and just wanted my life to end to a woman that loves life. I now love waking up and facing the new day even if I have absolutely nothing to do. I still live alone, have the same job, live in the same home but now I see beauty and joy just about everywhere where I used to see only misery. Life is a journey and if there is any goal for me that would be to be content, healthy, and to have a positive affect on at least 1 person before I die. I read an article last year about the positive effect a smile and hello can have on another and since then I make a point of always smiling and saying hello to people that I pass, whether coming in to the office, walking my dog, going to the store-you never know if that smile and hello may make anothers day I know there have been times in my life that I've felt totally invisible and anothers smile and greeting made my day.

Sorry if I sound like 'suzy sunshine' but it's true.

windysan

i just don't do dope no more

doodydoodydoodydoo

californiapoppy

"and that had made all the difference."

Zencat

Yeppers 'keep it simple'