geekorunique

My biggest ambition is to become a published writer. I stood in the recovery and addictions section of a book shop the other day and picked up some books and thought....ya know what...I could do better! Maybe it's my alcoholic ego kicking in but I think that writing about my life and my recovery may just help me.

One thing that I love and cherish about SR is the honesty in these forums. So I am going to post what I've written so far for some feedback. Constructive criticism is welcomed! I probably don't write in a proper style. My style seems to be all about full stops and half sentences but maybe that's ok to be like that??

Here goes anyway....(am considering Silent Chaos as the title)

My name isn’t important, neither is my age, race, gender or occupation. What I am is important though. What I am has defined the path that I have taken in life and even now it is shaping my future. It has caused me countless grief and sorrow. I cannot blame it for the hurt I have bestowed on other people though. It continues to affect my life and it undoubtedly will until the day I die. I am an alcoholic and an addict. Something I never thought I could become at a relatively young age. It’s my truth though and I cannot hide from that. My life story is pretty uneventful and in comparison to a lot of peoples lives it is probably very charmed. I will not apologise for that though and for the first time in my life I will not embellish or lie so that I have reasons for being the way that I am. What I want to do for the first time in my life is tell the truth. Tell you how I got to this, to admitting in front of people like me everyday that I am one of them. How ironic is it that the one thing that almost destroyed me is the one thing that made me feel like I belong. That made me feel like I was “no longer alone”. All I ever wanted was to be a part of something. Now I am, but I have paid the highest price for it. I have paid with years of my life that I can never get back.

I have sworn so many times that I wouldn’t take drugs or drink again. I have woken up countless mornings and the first words out of my mouth were “never again”. This time it really is different though. I am not doing it to save a relationship, I have not been shamed into it, or scared into it. I’m doing this for me because for the first time in my life I really do believe that I am worth something. I deserve to be happy and to feel love and to have a life.

That's all I've done so far - I've written and rewritten again and again so it may change but would be good to get you guys to look at it and give your opinion. I love each and every one of you so wont be offended if you don't like it!

Hevyn

I love it, and love seeing you here Geek. A wonderful idea, and I agree with you that there aren't many books for us that are compelling reading. A friend of mine sent me about 20 of her "alkie" books when she was through with them. There were only a few that weren't painfully dry reading. It has to grab us, or what's the point? Too many facts and figures in most of them.

My favorite part is, "How ironic is it that the one thing that almost destroyed me is the one thing that made me feel like I belong. That made me feel like I was no longer alone." That rings true for me, too, & brought tears to me eyes. Keep going with it! Love you.

geekorunique

Thanks so much Hev! Good to see you here at this time of night! I shall keep on with the writing. And if I ever get published you'll be getting a signed copy (what an alcoholic ego I have - already in my head I've won awards for this book that isn't even written yet lol)

Zencat

Yes...that really is it...yes.
Also I like your writing style. I feel the devotion for life giving change in it...Awesome!

Antone

I truly enjoyed this brief piece. I especially like your first line. It drew me in. Good work. Keep it up.

Anna

I like it too, and I so encourage you to continue writing, since it is a passion for you.

I think finding a passion like that, is a gift of recovery.

geekorunique

Thanks guys - you've given me such a confidence boost - once I've done some more work tonight I'll get some more writing done :-)

Kablume

Nice writing! I like hearing from the person and not the expert.

Tazman53

I like the style and the line I quoted jumped out and spoke to me also!

One of my sponsee's just finished writing a "Pre-recovery" book which he has just put out there to see if he can find some one to publish it, he has gotten the standard pile of rejection letters that all writers get early on, but he also has the same guy who is the agent for the guy who wrote "Dry" & "Running With Scissors" along with several other great books interested in getting it published.

I like your writing style, I hope it gets published once you finish it, but whether it gets published or not, if it helped you to stay clean and sober it will be a best seller to you and well worth the effort.

geekorunique

Changed it a bit...there's a project in Glasgow just now looking for short stories on recovery so thought I'd submit mine to see what they think. No title so far but this is what I've written.

My name isn’t important, neither is my age, race, gender or occupation. What I am is important though. What I am has defined the path that I have taken in life and even now it is shaping my future. It has caused me countless grief and sorrow. I cannot blame it for the hurt I have bestowed on other people though. It continues to affect my life and it undoubtedly will until the day I die. I am an alcoholic and an addict. Something I never thought I could become at a relatively young age. It’s my truth though and I cannot hide from that. My life story is pretty uneventful and in comparison to a lot of peoples lives it is probably very charmed. I will not apologise for that though and for the first time in my life I will not embellish or lie so that I have reasons for being the way that I am. What I want to do for the first time in my life is tell the truth. Tell you how I got to this, to admitting in front of people like me everyday that I am one of them. How ironic is it that the one thing that almost destroyed me is the one thing that made me feel like I belong. That made me feel like I was “no longer alone”. All I ever wanted was to be a part of something. Now I am, but I have paid the highest price for it. I have paid with years of my life that I can never get back.

I have sworn so many times that I wouldn’t take drugs or drink again. I have woken up countless mornings and the first words out of my mouth were “never again”. I could stop drinking for a few months at a time only to end up feeling a longing for my social life again and a desire to go back to my old ways. I couldn’t cope without alcohol on nights out as I was convinced that everyone was looking at me. In the months that I didn’t drink or that I was trying to control my drinking I would take ecstacy, speed, cocaine, ketamine, basically anything that would numb the constant pain and anxiety that I felt. I would do anything not to feel like me because I hated the person that I was. At a young age I had pressed a self destruct button and I didn’t care about myself at all. I believed for a long time that I was broken and nothing could put me back together again. I would spend the years from twelve to twenty eight speaking to counselors, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, friends, strangers and anyone who would listen really to tell them how awful I felt and I expected them to fix me. Any positives that came out of the professional help I received seemed to disappear as soon as I drank. The feelings of self loathing and self pity would be there waiting for me the next morning before I even opened my eyes. I lived my life on an emotional roller coaster and didn’t believe that I would ever feel at peace with myself. I knew that I needed to cut down on my drinking though but I never thought I could stop. I knew what I was like clean and sober because I had attempted it many times, and I didn’t like that person. I was left alone with my thoughts and feelings and there were periods of time that I was so depressed that I couldn’t face anyone.

There was no way that I was an alcoholic or addict though. My reasoning behind this was that I didn’t drink or take drugs everyday. I could go for months without drinking or using and I certainly didn’t ever take a drink in the morning. I was well educated, owned my own home and had a respectable job. However, once I did start to drink or take drugs it was like a domino effect, I couldn’t stop and didn’t want to stop. I always wanted the party to keep going. Until my latter days of performing that is. My finances were so bad at one point I was in danger of losing my own home and I wasn’t competent at my job so I was barely holding onto that. I may have been well educated but that didn’t stop me from getting caught with a substantial amount of drugs and being taken to court and convicted of drug dealing. I spent seventy two hours in a prison cell by myself during which time I resolved to never ever touch drugs again. This led onto me saying, to myself, that I would never even drink again. That resolve lasted for about two days until I went on a night out and I was involved in drinking and taking drugs within a few hours. The guilt, shame and remorse and the fear of what would happen to me wasn’t enough to stop me. I spent the next three years doing exactly the same things knowing that if I was caught again I would end up in prison. I didn’t know that I was suffering from an illness that meant I couldn’t ever stop by myself. I needed something more and I needed something bigger than me to help me. I couldn’t and wouldn’t ask for help though. How do you fix something when you can’t even see what it is that is broken?

The final straw for me came when my partner told me that she was leaving. I begged and pleaded and there was no changing her mind. We had an autopsy of our relationship led by her which involved me finding out what she really thought of my drinking habits. For nearly a year she had put up with me and I remember thinking that if she had just told me that she was so unhappy with it then I would have stopped. I know that I was lying to myself though as nothing had worked to stop me in the past. I referred back to the four months where I had stopped drinking and she reminded me that as soon as I started back again I had caused trouble. Again I was in denial about this and thought that if she really did love me she would stay. So I decided that if it looked like I was doing something then she would stay. I was pretty sure that if I just went to one alcoholics anonymous meeting then she wouldn’t leave me. I had considered narcotics anonymous but felt that drink was my main problem.

My opinion of what an alcoholic was changed within the space of a few hours and was a result of my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. There was a man at the table and he spoke about his drinking. Which I didn’t indentify with. He spoke about his upbringing which was a complete contrast to mine. Again that wasn’t something I identified with. What I was blown away by was that he felt exactly the same as I did. Drink made him feel a part of things, that he wasn’t an awkward outsider. Being sober made him feel crazy and he couldn’t be left alone with his own thoughts for too long. The same man spoke to me after the meeting and he made me realise that I really was an alcoholic. I may not have gotten as bad as some people did but that didn’t mean that I had to keep on drinking until I did. My new friend told me that night if I kept coming to meetings, and did what was suggested that I would no longer be alone and I would never have to drink again.

My partner left me a week later, but I stayed at alcoholics anonymous and in four days time I will celebrate a year sober. I am absolutely sure that I am an alcoholic and I am at peace with that. I didn’t always feel this way, I didn’t skip happily into my next few meetings but I did go with an open mind and a willing heart. I have thrown a few tantrums about my illness though! I decided that I couldn’t possibly miss the opening night of a new bar and I went along and drank diet coke for just over an hour. I arrived home in tears and a longing for my old life back even though I knew the trouble it had brought. A month or so later I was at a meeting and consumed with rage that my friends could drink and I couldn’t. I went home in floods of tears but I believe that with those tears came acceptance. I can’t pinpoint if it was that exact moment but I know that soon after the obsession and the delusion that one day I could go back to alcohol left me. I knew that I was a type of person who couldn’t consume alcohol in any shape or form.

My life has improved greatly in the past year. I still have my house and job and for a change they are both blossoming. My house is now a home and not just a place to have a party or to sleep. I am competent at my job and I enjoy it. Going to meetings is a massive part of my week and I look forward to them. At the last count I have thirty five phone numbers in my mobile and they are all AA people who are in recovery and I have countless more friends that I see at meetings and have coffee with when I can. I know that if I do stay in AA and if I don’t lift another drink then my life will get better and better. My old life holds no attraction for me – it’s not a place I want to visit again and I am happy to keep looking forward and for the first time in my life I am daring to hope for more.

CarolD

Glad to know of your continuing progress.....