Struggling and Surviving
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Struggling and Surviving
Well, it's been a week and a day since I left AH. I'm still staying with friends, but I have found a place to live starting June 1st sharing a house with a lady and her 12-year-old daughter. She doesn't mind my 2-year-old and says that my boys are welcome to come and stay anytime. She is a really cool lady, very laid back, and the daughter has even offered to babysit. Also, the location is a lot closer to where my boys live, even walking distance to my older son's middle school next year.
As for AH, my feelings are confused, and I am grieving the marriage I wish we would have had. I've seen him once since I left, and it was hard to be around him because of the overload of feelings. Crazy as it is, I love him still. However, I'm hoping that time will heal me and that I can keep concentrating on the things I need to instead. I am definitely all over the place where he is concerned, but I still know I did the right thing by moving on.
That's about it. Just here for support and to give an update. Thanks for reading.
As for AH, my feelings are confused, and I am grieving the marriage I wish we would have had. I've seen him once since I left, and it was hard to be around him because of the overload of feelings. Crazy as it is, I love him still. However, I'm hoping that time will heal me and that I can keep concentrating on the things I need to instead. I am definitely all over the place where he is concerned, but I still know I did the right thing by moving on.
That's about it. Just here for support and to give an update. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
That's wonderful you found a place so close to where your boys live! I sincerely pray you start finding the peace in your heart that you deserve.
Are you making your Alanon meetings? Give that precious 2 year old an extra hug for me! :ghug :ghug
Are you making your Alanon meetings? Give that precious 2 year old an extra hug for me! :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey, Cath -- great to hear from you!
Thanks for the update. I'm so happy to hear that you found a good living situation. Keep up your work on YOU and you will find your way to a place of peace with AH. Sometimes you just have to let your brain override your heart when you're in danger. Our hearts sometimes do not tell us the truth; they just try to sell us on a romance novel that's as worthless as the paper it's printed on.
Hugs,
GL
Thanks for the update. I'm so happy to hear that you found a good living situation. Keep up your work on YOU and you will find your way to a place of peace with AH. Sometimes you just have to let your brain override your heart when you're in danger. Our hearts sometimes do not tell us the truth; they just try to sell us on a romance novel that's as worthless as the paper it's printed on.
Hugs,
GL
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Freedom, I have not gone back to Al-Anon as of yet, although I would like to again when things settle down. I was feeling so bad about myself that I didn't even feel worthy of the people there, but I'm hoping that will change and I will see them again. The support would be wonderful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Congratulations on your first step
That's Huge
Thank you for the update
It's been my experience that people who wait to feel better to do the steps don't fair nearly as well as people who do the steps to feel better. As in the people who wait to feel better.....don't make it,.....and up just repeating their behavior. Then they can't figure out why nothing changes in their life. Then they blame recovery, or therapy, or men. They say "recovery didn't work for them" when the truth is, they didn't work for recovery. It's my experience things didn't "settle down" until I did the steps, because I was the one "stirring them up".
I couldn't do what you are doing successfully until I reached out to the men and asked for help as it's highly recommended to stick with our own sex in recovery.
Freedom and Givelove both "gave you the information" in their posts, albeit very gently.
If you want what Freedom and Givelove have, as in recovery, I'd strongly suggest paying pretty careful attention to what they have to say. If you want what they have, go where they went and do what they did.
They can help you if you let them.
You can do this cath. You can. You don't ever have to do this alone either if you reach out for help.
I'm a man.
We can't help you like women can.
Men have been behind most of your problems in your life, so I am going to suggest getting rid of one or finding another one won't be the answer to your problems. We aren't the answer. We aren't the problem. Although I am going to suggest men have been symptomatic of your problems. There is a reason you have been choosing the men you choose. Why not do a little work on yourself in order to make better choices?
Reaching out to women with recovery and actually listening to them and following their suggestions is the answer.
Please, reach out to the women, get help, follow their suggestions.
Please.
That's Huge
Thank you for the update
It's been my experience that people who wait to feel better to do the steps don't fair nearly as well as people who do the steps to feel better. As in the people who wait to feel better.....don't make it,.....and up just repeating their behavior. Then they can't figure out why nothing changes in their life. Then they blame recovery, or therapy, or men. They say "recovery didn't work for them" when the truth is, they didn't work for recovery. It's my experience things didn't "settle down" until I did the steps, because I was the one "stirring them up".
I couldn't do what you are doing successfully until I reached out to the men and asked for help as it's highly recommended to stick with our own sex in recovery.
Freedom and Givelove both "gave you the information" in their posts, albeit very gently.
Keep up your work on YOU and you will find your way to a place of peace with AH
Are you making your Alanon meetings?
They can help you if you let them.
You can do this cath. You can. You don't ever have to do this alone either if you reach out for help.
I'm a man.
We can't help you like women can.
Men have been behind most of your problems in your life, so I am going to suggest getting rid of one or finding another one won't be the answer to your problems. We aren't the answer. We aren't the problem. Although I am going to suggest men have been symptomatic of your problems. There is a reason you have been choosing the men you choose. Why not do a little work on yourself in order to make better choices?
Reaching out to women with recovery and actually listening to them and following their suggestions is the answer.
Please, reach out to the women, get help, follow their suggestions.
Please.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Cath1029 
Freedom, I have not gone back to Al-Anon as of yet, although I would like to again when things settle down. I was feeling so bad about myself that I didn't even feel worthy of the people there, but I'm hoping that will change and I will see them again. The support would be wonderful.
You need to go to Alanon now, not when things settle down, or when you 'feel worthy' of seeing those people.
When I have felt least like attending a meeting, that is exactly when I needed it the most.
Quit making excuses and go. You are worth it. :ghug :ghug
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Yes, I agree that I need my meetings. I am going to try to get a sitter and go to the one on Saturday morning at the beach (my favorite). I will see a lot of friends there who I'm sure will lend support.
I realize that my "drug of choice" is AH. I am addicted even still, even having left him. He won't let go, and as a result I find myself not letting go either, wishing for excuses to see him even for a few minutes. I just don't know how to break myself of that. I know he's not good for me in any way, and he is headed for nothing but trouble and would take me right down with him. I don't want that.
My "addiction" to him is something I admit to no one, not my friends or anyone, but it does exist. I have stayed away, seeing him only once this week for a few minutes, but I am by no means cured.
I really need help. I feel so lost.
I realize that my "drug of choice" is AH. I am addicted even still, even having left him. He won't let go, and as a result I find myself not letting go either, wishing for excuses to see him even for a few minutes. I just don't know how to break myself of that. I know he's not good for me in any way, and he is headed for nothing but trouble and would take me right down with him. I don't want that.
My "addiction" to him is something I admit to no one, not my friends or anyone, but it does exist. I have stayed away, seeing him only once this week for a few minutes, but I am by no means cured.
I really need help. I feel so lost.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hey you :ghug
I'm glad to hear you're off the crazy-go-round. It's ok to mourn the relationship, that's perfectly natural. What is hard is not to get stuck in any 'blue sky' thinking and just remember the good things.. that is a sure fire way to stop your progress dead in its tracks. Remember the good but also remember the things that have brought you to where you are today.
I felt strange about going back to Al-anon. I missed a couple of weeks and wondered whether it was right for me to go back. Even my friends were dubious about it. But I went back and it helps... probably not in the way it did before, but it allows me to touch base with the reality of what happened. Strangely it allows me to see what is the alcoholic/alcoholism and what is the hot mess of a man. Before I just put everything down to alcohol... that's a couple of years of programming right there that is being countered.
One foot in front of the other... slow and steady.. x
I'm glad to hear you're off the crazy-go-round. It's ok to mourn the relationship, that's perfectly natural. What is hard is not to get stuck in any 'blue sky' thinking and just remember the good things.. that is a sure fire way to stop your progress dead in its tracks. Remember the good but also remember the things that have brought you to where you are today.
I felt strange about going back to Al-anon. I missed a couple of weeks and wondered whether it was right for me to go back. Even my friends were dubious about it. But I went back and it helps... probably not in the way it did before, but it allows me to touch base with the reality of what happened. Strangely it allows me to see what is the alcoholic/alcoholism and what is the hot mess of a man. Before I just put everything down to alcohol... that's a couple of years of programming right there that is being countered.
One foot in front of the other... slow and steady.. x
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I know it was a lot more than the alcohol, but it still hurts so much. He was the love of my life. I feel so down right now. I feel so angry with people who have families and dinners and even silverware (lol). I know it's a lot of self-pity, but I just wanted a family for myself and it all got ruined. Today was the day that we officially moved out of our apartment, and AH got a new place and I am still here with friends. It is very hard. This is not the ending I wanted. I know it does no good to wallow like this, but today was a tough day and I can't seem to get past it. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
90 in 90
say it with me
90 in 90
It will change the way you feel, you will find the love and support you so desperately need and deserve
You don't have to do this alone
As a matter of fact, if you do, it will most likely lead to poor decision making, and you will find yourself right back here again.
get help, it will make you feel better.
say it with me
90 in 90
It will change the way you feel, you will find the love and support you so desperately need and deserve
You don't have to do this alone
As a matter of fact, if you do, it will most likely lead to poor decision making, and you will find yourself right back here again.
get help, it will make you feel better.
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