Hope87

Hello all,

How are you? I'm past due for getting onto a site like this. I'm turning into a mental case and need some understanding and insite from others in the same situation as me and thought yinz could help Sorry if my story is long but I've been needing to get this off my chest and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it.

The addict in my life is my boyfriend. We met about a year ago (April 08) playing poker at a bar we used to play at (he never drank, just went for cards). At the time I wasn’t really into being in a relationship but thought he was cute  He was so sweet and asked me out in a unique way and a month later I decided we could be official. He was up front and honest with me about his drug addiction and I was leery at first. I thought anyone like him are just bad people and do unheard of things. I went to a couple meetings with him, read some of his books and did some research and began to see him in a different light. When we began dating he was living in/running a recovery house, was going to meetings during the week, had a sponsor, was sponsoring someone else, had a year clean and just seemed to be in a “happy place”. He wanted the same things I wanted in life and he seemed he wanted to work hard so that that could happen. We were on cloud 9!

Our relationship progressed rather quickly and we were living together by September. I know it was quick but it made sense financially and since we were together all the time we figured we’d give it a try. We really grew to love each other and we were both so stinking happy! Things were so busy and one thing after another started to happen. In Nov/Dec he did some serious damage to his back. He has discs problems and is in really bad pain every day which makes him miserable. He has a job that is stressful and physically demanding and. Around this same time, be began blowing off going to meetings. I tried to convince him to go but it was always “next week”. But “next week would come and he’d be either too tired or sore to go then. I worried a little, but not much.

This past March, we stayed at his parent’s place for a weekend and right when we were getting ready to leave, he and his dad began arguing. I didn’t know why at first but came to find out that his dad thought my AB took 2 of his pain pills. Did he take them or not…I don’t know. My AB went up to his parents garage and began downing beer. I was so upset and knocked it out of his hand but he just went and got another. All his clean time right down the drain. I never saw him so upset and angry. It was horrible. On the way home he was talking about using again and wanting to go out and look for stuff. I didn’t say anything. He stayed home the next 2 day from work and I stayed with him cause I was worried. Monday he went to bed around 11:00 a.m. not feeling good and slept for 19 hours! Only getting up once to pee and once to get sick in a bucket. I began to think something was wrong. Two days later, he wanted to go out and play cards but said he still wasn’t feeling good and he looked like hell. I didn’t want to go but he was going either way so I went. He looked and acted out of it all night. I believe the huge fight with his parents and accumulations of other issues were the triggers.
It was then that I knew I had had to start looking into things.

As bad as I felt about it, like some of you, I began going through his phone. I began seeing texts to and from a kid we’ve been taking to play poker with us (he doesn’t have a car) and lucky for us…he’s a drug dealer. I’ve seen numerous text to lead me to believe he is getting stuff off this kid. I let it eat and eat at me for at least a month before I began confronting him and of course he’s not buying anything off him. Then I began to notice him deleting just about all text from this kid cause I check his phone everyday while he’s in the shower. I know he deletes them because we share a phone plan and on the phone bill are the records for calls and messages for his number and mine. Also, he is mostly in contact with this kid when he’s at work and leaving work to “get those” off him. You know…when I’m not around. I’ve also caught him in two lies. One I confronted him about and of course denial and one recently I haven’t brought to his attention yet. But then again why bother…I won’t get the truth. And he is the one that preaches to me about being honest with him and he’ll look me straight in the face and tell me he don’t lie. I’m not perfect either. I’ve lied to him about dumb stuff he’d get mad about. Nothing that would jeopardize our relationship. Not that that makes it ok…I know it don’t, but I’m not living a secret life behind his back. That’s what I feel like he’s doing.

I can’t believe it has gotten to this. I’m the one walking around with all this burden on my mind and I really don’t know if he knows what goes through my head everyday. I’m becoming addicted to my addict I guess. I’m slowly turning into a mental case. And the strange thing… I still do love him. I really do. Our finances aren’t hurting, he’s not violent, and he’s not stealing my stuff. Those are my boundaries. I want to try all the help and support I can before I decided I’ve had enough. That’s why I’ve been to counseling and why I’m now here.

I guess the thing that gets me is I just want the truth from him. If he would just tell me he’s going through some crap, or struggling or hurting or needs help whatever I would feel so much better. It’s not like…hey go out and do drugs…oh you’re doing drugs…oh, ok…I just want to know the truth so I can decided where I want to go from there. I pray to just find drugs in the house one day so I can bring it to him and then he can’t deny it or have him slip up somewhere (as sick as that sounds) cause I’ve never actually seen anything with him asking for something specific…just round about ways. And with everything that’s been going on in his life…it would make sense. Again…not saying it’s ok it would just make sense. And like I mentioned…he could be high everyday and I wouldn’t know. Nothing drastic has been going on in our relationship for me to know. They only reason I think the way I do is because of his phone and what I see and when it takes place.

Again…thanks so much for anyone who took the time to read this. I really need some help and guidance and just someone to listen to me. It can be lonely when you’re involved in this lifestyle. Hope to be around here long enough to make some friends and maybe help some of yinz out at sometime. Thanks so much again!

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Keep reading up on the subject of your recovery, and keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

sailorjohn

He won't be able to deny it, but if he's like most addicts, he would find a way to blame you-'You've been snooping, I have no privacy!' is a good one.
Taking the focus off their behavior and putting it on yours, and funny, something you need to do, focus on your behavior.

The only thing you have to ask yourself-or not-Do I want to be involved with an addict not in recovery?.

gowest

I felt just like you did.
I don't think he is capable of giving you the truth.
It is like asking your cat to bark or your dog to fly.
You can't fix him or make him truthful ... not even with love and support.

So in essence you have the "truth" you just need to decide if you are willing to see that truth.

In the last email my ex-abf sent me there was only one tiny shred of the "him/truth" I knew when we were first together. The sad part was that when we first met he was in recovery and working his program and the fact that he was so honest about his past was one of the things I found so appealing about him.

The sooner you accept who he really is now and not what you want him to be (the old/sober him) the easier it will be to make choices for your future.

I do still miss the person I first met but I've learned to accept the fact that person no longer exists.

That is the truth.
Not what comes out of their mouth and not who they used to be and not who they have the potential to become.
Who they are standing in front of you right now is the truth

cece1960

Welcome neighbor
(the yinz gave it away )

I often wondered why my son wouldn't just tell me the truth. But I believe its because he fears the consequences. He's admitted on many occassion, but when he does well, and then backslides, I usually have to trust my gut because he isn't one to volunteer the information.

I think trust is a very important part of any relationship, and the longer you suspect and he doesn't discuss, chances are your trust will crumble and the relationship will be in trouble.

Keep dealing with your feelings, and be honest with yourself. You may never get the real truth.

Nice to meet you

(((Hugs)))

bluejay6

Welcome, Hope.

I think he has you...hook, line, and sinker.

You are enabling him by not making sobriety a bottom line for you. (He's drinking therefore he is in ACTIVE ADDICTION). Also he will be finding the drugs any day now if not already. My bet is on already.

As they say, you are "helping him to his grave" by allowing the status quo of your relationship to continue, by allowing him to drink/drug without consequences.

I know you still love him. If you do, then stop mothering him and expect him to stand on his own two sober feet.

You're going to need some help, Hope, for you are unable to see the big picture. And we understand. Minimizing and making excuses for the addict is always the first response.

Keep seeking information to help open your eyes. All the very best to you.

cessy68

Welcome, and sailor John said it all........... this is the only thing that will likely happen....

Don't bother sneaking a peak, catchin, listening.....

the only thing that you should listen to right now is your gut... that is all the proff you need. Rare is the person who is just paranoid or crazy when it comes to their loved one...(whether addiction or infidelity, etc.)

LISTEN LOUD AND CLEAR to YOU!

Love,
Cess

Hammerhead

Wow... this is me too... my AH was so honest with me when we first met... he too was in recovery. I too found this appealing.

I've since read that sometimes honesty is a manipulators way of getting permission... needless to say that information hit me right between the eyes

Freedom1990

Fasten your seatbelt then because it's going to get a lot more turbulent.

He's doing exactly what he wants to do. He made the choice to relapse.

Be prepared for lots of erratic behavior, and lies, lies, lies.

Hope87

To Cynical One

Well, his behavior is ok I guess....he's crabby most of the time but he usually is. If I found drugs then we'd have to be over. I don't want to end things on the fact of assumption. That's why I wanted actual proof. By the way...thanks for posting back and nice to meet ya

Thanks for posting everyone! Nice to meet yinz Glad to see a fellow Pittsburgher in here too...Go PENS! I appreciate the insite and suggestions. Looks like I'm going to need a lot of help....

spiralswirl

I just dumped my AB. We only went out for 3 months, but I do love him. I was sick of constantly trying to convince myself to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was exhausted constantly. I think the funniest lie I ever caught him in was when he nodded off while we were watching a movie. A little torn wax bag with white powder popped out of his pocket. He said he was helping his friends clean their house and shoved trash in his pocket and didn't know what it was. I had a freakin' heroin bag in my hand and he still denied he was using! Nothing, NOTHING I ever did or said would make him tell the truth. When he started yelling at me about "snooping" and saying "how is it your business?", I knew I had to go. It was a constant mind-f**k. I would really consider walking away from this guy. Without trust, what do you have?

KariSue

Hi, your post resonated with me but as the mom of an addict who lives with me, I also understand Hope's concern so I just want your opinion on what I am about to say if you would be so kind.

My AS's whole family lived with me but now his wife moved out and wants a divorce. AS hasn't been using for a year and because of a possible divorce my radar is out thinking that my son will resort to drugs again.

My gut (and suspicious happenings here) tells me that my AS did try to contact someone for drugs recently but because he knew I was onto him didn't get them. My gut is that he was struggling with "take them or don't take them". But for now at least, I think he has abandoned the pursuit.

When I think he's on them then he usually is but at least right now I don't think he is. My concern is my two grandchildren who are here with him and I and my husband now.

My solution is to have a home drug test here to spring on him the moment I think he might have taken anything. The reason I said I understood how Hope felt is because I want "proof positive" before I disrupt the life of the children. If I'm wrong, then I've just kicked their dad out who is a great dad in all other respects.

I am open with my son about this. I told him I think he tried to get some and told him he would definitely be out of my house if he used. Of course he denied it but I told him I didn't believe him. He tried a guilt trip on me but it didn't work and won't work.

Is it wrong to want proof positive though? He seems to be doing a bit better handling things to do with divorce so I'm hoping maybe this was a momentary lapse but I DO have my eyes open. I promise. I won't take any of his garbage and I never believe what an addict SAYS. It's always what they DO.

Like Hope, I'd rather have something concrete before I say "Get out".

Any advice for me? Am I looking at this the wrong way? I would like the opinion of someone who has been where my son is now.

Thanks, KariSue

Hope87

Thanks Kari Sue for your post. It was nice to read. I kinda feel like everyone is just yelling at me here. I understand what I'm saying and doing and feeling in my post might not make sense but this is the place I thought it would. I know it's wrong and I probably am enabling him but I'm trying to work through all this and every single day isn't pure misery. I do still love the guy. Doesn't everyone love their person and HATE the addiction? Isn't that what the hard part is? And I do want to be sure before I go through the heartbreaking process. If every addict lies (and that is all they are capable of doing for the rest of their lives...then what is there in life for them? They surely can't have any family or normal life if people don't give them a chance, HOWEVER, addiction is NOT a free pass to go do whatever you want. It's a double ended sword.

cece1960

Naw...we try not to yell here. And we don't shoot our wounded *wink*

I think what occurrs is that many of us get very passionate about where we've been, what we've seen and what we've done. That can result in what "reads" like hollering, but in a sense its more like a friend responding with inflection:

"REALLY?"
Are KIDDING me?"
"you WHAT?"

Never forget... only you can make decisions regarding your personal life and happiness. It doesn't matter who agrees or disagrees, we are still walking with you.

This stuff isn't easy to digest in a day (or week or month and so on )

(((Hugs)))

ksaun

As a fellow burgh resident I share your enthusiasm with your Go Pens!

Now onto business. If you found drugs, you would say, yeh I found some drugs but I haven't caught him using. Not to sound harsh but you are in denial, you know what is going on, but you just don't want to accept it. I know, I have been there. I've gone through the almost exact same situation as you with a friend of mine. She also admitted to me when we first met she had a heroin addiction and she wanted to get help for it. Long story short, I trusted her, listened to her lies, made excuses for her bad behavior, etc. But in the end I couldn't lie to myself anymore. She was using heroin in addition to the meth treatments she was getting everyday at the clinic. The same clinic I would drive her to thinking I was helping her on her road to recovery. Finally I had to admit I was only fooling myself, I wasn't imagining anything or making something out of nothing, so I let her go, and I have to tell you it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself.

Since I let her go she has gotten arrested for drugs, Spend 2 days in jail for drug possession including her B-day, lost her case with CYS to get her daugher back, lost her insurance, got thrown out of her apt and god knows what else. I only know this much because I hear stuff through the grape vine. I don't go looking for info on her or what she is doing or how she is or anything. Even when someone starts talking about her I just walk away.

Its not that I dont still care for my friend, I actually care very much for her, but I just can't be around her until she gets and stays clean and sober and is truely actually working her recovery for atleast 6 months. This is best for both of us I think.

The one thing nobody has told you is the risk to you, now that he is obviously using again. The risks are as follows, you getting arrested on drug charges just for being with him if you get pulled over in your car and he has drugs on him, your car impounded and sold at auction, not to mention the court costs, fines, legal fees, etc and the felony drug arrest/conviction record you will now have. Or maybe he cheated or just pissed off a drug dealer and you get caught in the cross fire.

Trust me, if your gut is telling you he is using again trust it. Judge him on his actions not what he says. Stop making excuses for how he is acting or who he is calling. If you stay in the relationship it will most likely not get any better. Looking back, I really wish I would have listened to everyone that told me to run not walk away for my active addict friend. I would have saved myself alot of headaches, heartaches, sleepless nights, and months wondering if I was just over reacting to what I knew was the truth and questioning my own sanity in the process.

I went to NA meetings talked to recovering addicts, counselors, family members and friends of addicts and everyone said the same thing "GET OUT NOW!" I researched and talked to everyone I could think of to try to understand her addiction, to better understand what she was going through and the treatments available. I did everything I could to educate myself. Just as you have, but it didn't matter to her, she actually got mad at me for doing it. One thing you have to know.... He will chose his addiction over everything else, including you. And he will push anyone away that tries to mess with his addiction.

I really wish I would have listened to everyone the told me to run away. I'm not trying to tell you there is no hope for him. Only you can't do or say anything to help or make him stop using and start his recovery all over again. He is the only one that can make that decision and work his recovery.

Best of luck, hope everything works out for ya.

PM me if you want to talk.

P.S. Please don't take my post as yelling at you. I honestly know exactly how you feel right now. I'm only trying to save you the pain and heartbreak I had to go through. I hope it comes across like that and not some rant.

KariSue

Well you do have a point and I appreciate you talking to me about this. I appreciate it a lot.

You are right. It IS to calm my OWN fears but is that so wrong? I deserve to not have to worry about this. What should I do instead? If I confront him (which I did) he just denies it. If I let it go, then I keep having to hide my money, car keys, and valuables in case my suspicions are right.

The reason I'd rather do it this way (the drug test) is because then there can be no denying the fact that he was using. I mean he can and probably will deny it like you said but MY MIND will be guilt free in telling him to leave. If I don't do this and he isn't using then I feel like what if he really wasn't using and I kicked my grandkids dad out. I just don't want to do that until I'm ABSOLUTELY sure.

This is just so hard. If I tell him to leave it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life I think BUT I will do it. I just want to make sure first.

What would you do in my situation? If there are other options, I would like to hear them. Do I just tell him to leave because 'I'm pretty sure' he has either used or was trying to? I already ordered the tests so they are coming no matter what.

It is really helping me talking to you. I want to do the right thing. I'm just not sure what the right thing is at the moment.

Kari

Hope87

No...it's ok. I get it. Thanks so much for your insites. I'm just going to need a lot of work. I'm new to all of this.

KariSue

I hear you. I think for me it's a matter of how many times. I helped him out once and then he was clean for a year and now I'm suspecting again. At some point, you have to decide how much you can take and if you want to try again. He's my son. I had to try BUT if he does this again, I'll have to tell him to leave....kids or not. They can go with their mom if need be.

I hate this disease. I hate, hate, hate it.

I haven't been on this site for a while because my son was in remission (as I call it) but when I did post a time or two in the past I felt like people were yelling at me too. You know, I really don't think they were. It just felt that way. Besides, who says they are right? I listen to people because they have more experience with this than I do but we all have to do what we feel is best. I'm sure everyone on this site didn't do everything right all the time. In fact, many said they hadn't. It's live and learn for us all.

I'm not sure if you've heard of the 3 C's. They are helpful to me. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Don't stop posting. Just take what you can use and leave the rest....

The best to you Hope!

Kari

P.S. In another post I listed a book that we should all read. Healing the Addicted Brain by Harold C. Urschel, III, M.D. Did you know there were non addictive meds to take the cravings away? Check out my other post for more.

KariSue

Too old (28). He and his family did live on their own some and with me off and on.

Right now he's out of work and having trouble finding a job.

It's a mess and he wants to fix things but is stuck right now. However, if he is using then he is O.U.T. no matter what.

I know I'm not responsible for any of his messes and I am getting to my limit. You are right that I do envision him homeless and in the gutter and if I thought he wasn't trying that would be different. If he is using, then he isn't trying so I'm done. You have been making me think though. I just have to figure this out.

KariSue