What is his problem?
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: MICHIGAN
Posts: 5
What is his problem?
I have been in a relationship with my SO for a year. He was drinking for 9 months and left rehab in February. After the rehab is when he became "less than favorable".
Anyway, since our argument last sunday, I still have not heard from him. (it's been about a week and a half).
I have started attending al-anon and really got a clear view of what was going on with our relationship since he left rehab.
I have been doing better each day and really taking the much needed time to get things done for myself.
I told his mother that I am working on myself and would not be able to contact her for a while. I would just like some closure at this point.
I have heard that this is typical, but what are usually the reasons why they don't call?
Has anyone had this experience and how long does the "silent treatment" last?
Thanks, in advance for any insight.
Anyway, since our argument last sunday, I still have not heard from him. (it's been about a week and a half).
I have started attending al-anon and really got a clear view of what was going on with our relationship since he left rehab.
I have been doing better each day and really taking the much needed time to get things done for myself.
I told his mother that I am working on myself and would not be able to contact her for a while. I would just like some closure at this point.
I have heard that this is typical, but what are usually the reasons why they don't call?
Has anyone had this experience and how long does the "silent treatment" last?
Thanks, in advance for any insight.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Four days ago you wrote 'When he does contact me, I am making it clear that he needs to focus on himself, as do I; therefore, we should not be in contact for some time'.
Might be more respectful to relay this info Face to Face but it isn't absolutely necessary.
If you really want to go no contact, send out him an email or perhaps just leave a message on his vm and do it. If you want to continue playing games-and in my experience, I wouldn't be surprised if he's happy to do this with you-then do nothing and wait for him to contact you. And start the merry cycle again!
Might be more respectful to relay this info Face to Face but it isn't absolutely necessary.
If you really want to go no contact, send out him an email or perhaps just leave a message on his vm and do it. If you want to continue playing games-and in my experience, I wouldn't be surprised if he's happy to do this with you-then do nothing and wait for him to contact you. And start the merry cycle again!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Well, the silent treatment can end TODAY if you decide to stop waiting for him to call all the shots, and instead call them yourself. You say you want closure, but you're waiting for him to grant it.
You can him know you don't choose to have such a self-centered, manipulative jerk in your life and not to call you ever again.
Then it's finished. And you're in charge of your own life again.
Have you thought about that? Talk about closure.
You can him know you don't choose to have such a self-centered, manipulative jerk in your life and not to call you ever again.
Then it's finished. And you're in charge of your own life again.
Have you thought about that? Talk about closure.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: MICHIGAN
Posts: 5
I would like to think that a year is at least worth a phone call. There are things to separate (bills, etc.) and I would like to get those things resolved. Additionally, I would like to say my peace - nothing negative but I would like the closure.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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Nice to have closure, but if you read enough here you will notice that it rarely ever happens, indeed, have never heard of it happening here under similar circumstances.
Have finally figured out that I can do all of the closure I need.
They call it acceptance.
Have finally figured out that I can do all of the closure I need.
They call it acceptance.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by princesspilot75 
I would like to think that a year is at least worth a phone call.
I can either a) sit around waiting for the alcoholic to bring closure like I think he/she should, or b) take charge of my life and do it myself.
Personally I like being in charge of my own life.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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You can not rely on an alcoholic to do the right thing. It's one of those insanity things we do.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but you can wait and suffer and complain and wonder and wish and pray, and continue to take part in the manipulation game, or you can take the bull by the horns and start making these things happen now.
At some point I had to realize that writing off the relationship was the best thing for me, no matter what I thought he "should" do.
You can have happiness no matter what he decides to do, and no matter what kind of man he decides he wants to be.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but you can wait and suffer and complain and wonder and wish and pray, and continue to take part in the manipulation game, or you can take the bull by the horns and start making these things happen now.
At some point I had to realize that writing off the relationship was the best thing for me, no matter what I thought he "should" do.
You can have happiness no matter what he decides to do, and no matter what kind of man he decides he wants to be.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I need to read this today.
Closure is such a vague concept. I think the A avoids it because it is substantive and also because they want to keep the possibility of connection open, in case they decide they need to use us again.
I am in favor of initiating the conversation ourselves. Perhaps we are also trying to keep hope alive by waiting and hoping for "closure." I know in my relationship, it was always on XABF's terms. I think it would be empowering to end things on my own terms, even if that means being vulnerable and speaking my truth.
(((princess))) We are in the same boat (as, I'm sure, as thousands of others in the universe!) We can decide today to be healthy and have integrity (actions matching words).
Closure is such a vague concept. I think the A avoids it because it is substantive and also because they want to keep the possibility of connection open, in case they decide they need to use us again.
I am in favor of initiating the conversation ourselves. Perhaps we are also trying to keep hope alive by waiting and hoping for "closure." I know in my relationship, it was always on XABF's terms. I think it would be empowering to end things on my own terms, even if that means being vulnerable and speaking my truth.
(((princess))) We are in the same boat (as, I'm sure, as thousands of others in the universe!) We can decide today to be healthy and have integrity (actions matching words).
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
princess,
my suggestion is to take your own advice: take some time for YOURSELF and focus on making you your number one priority! i've dated several alcoholics and addicts, and i'm one myself, and we are all selfish people. You arent married to him, and im assuming you dont have kids with him. You have no responsibility to 100% take care of him. Most people go through a lot of changes when they get sober..you start actually feeling emotions, and as the chemical fog lifts you start being you. Let him do his thing, and you focus on doing your own thing. Forget closure. When men don't call ESPECIALLY when they say they will, there's something else that they are doing. Why call someone and worry about them and make them a priority when they arent making you a priority?
Rach
my suggestion is to take your own advice: take some time for YOURSELF and focus on making you your number one priority! i've dated several alcoholics and addicts, and i'm one myself, and we are all selfish people. You arent married to him, and im assuming you dont have kids with him. You have no responsibility to 100% take care of him. Most people go through a lot of changes when they get sober..you start actually feeling emotions, and as the chemical fog lifts you start being you. Let him do his thing, and you focus on doing your own thing. Forget closure. When men don't call ESPECIALLY when they say they will, there's something else that they are doing. Why call someone and worry about them and make them a priority when they arent making you a priority?
Rach
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello princess,
Oh, wouldn't it be great if we could all hear what we need to hear from the people that we need to hear it from? Unfortunately that seldom happens on this planet.
I went mad trying to obtain closure from ex AH BF, which at the time seemed like a heartfelt apology from his own lips.
6 months later is strikes me.
If he would have called me when he said he would, if he had kept his promises, if he could have at least said "I knew I made this promise, but I cannot carry it, and for that I am sorry", if he was capable of saying "I know I hurt you" when he did wrong, if he could have had a decent, adult conversation with me, if he had shown empathy, if he was capable to terminate a relation with honor, acceptance, good will for the other person, if only for the good times - he would have been a mature and honest person and perhaps we could have worked on the relation and still be together.
His incapability of giving me and the relation we had the same I respect I gave him and our relation, is EXACTLY why we are no longer a couple.
prairegirl helped me see that (thanks praire if you are still out there!)
Do you really want to keep being in high school waiting for a call that does not arrive, playing mind games, giving each other the silent treatment, etc etc, or do you want a loving man who can call you anytime and who you can call anytime, with whom you can actually ENJOY LIFE without any kind of hidden agendas?
I prefer the latter
Oh, wouldn't it be great if we could all hear what we need to hear from the people that we need to hear it from? Unfortunately that seldom happens on this planet.
I went mad trying to obtain closure from ex AH BF, which at the time seemed like a heartfelt apology from his own lips.
6 months later is strikes me.
If he would have called me when he said he would, if he had kept his promises, if he could have at least said "I knew I made this promise, but I cannot carry it, and for that I am sorry", if he was capable of saying "I know I hurt you" when he did wrong, if he could have had a decent, adult conversation with me, if he had shown empathy, if he was capable to terminate a relation with honor, acceptance, good will for the other person, if only for the good times - he would have been a mature and honest person and perhaps we could have worked on the relation and still be together.
His incapability of giving me and the relation we had the same I respect I gave him and our relation, is EXACTLY why we are no longer a couple.
prairegirl helped me see that (thanks praire if you are still out there!)
Do you really want to keep being in high school waiting for a call that does not arrive, playing mind games, giving each other the silent treatment, etc etc, or do you want a loving man who can call you anytime and who you can call anytime, with whom you can actually ENJOY LIFE without any kind of hidden agendas?
I prefer the latter
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
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I would love some 'closure' from my ex. But that would mean him being open and honest and respecting me and taking some responsibility. He never did that when we were together so I know the chances of him doing it now are slim to none.
So what do I do? Do I sit and wait for a conversation that will never probably happen and if it did would probably be more of the same BS and nuttiness I had when we were together? Or do I move forward, accept what I can't change and find my own ending.
It is 9 weeks since I last had any contact with him. I accepted that I would not get any 'closure' or answers or information to help me understand from him very quickly.. in the first week I was away from him. I haven't sought it. And I have to say, I think my progress and my healing is all the better for it.
So what do I do? Do I sit and wait for a conversation that will never probably happen and if it did would probably be more of the same BS and nuttiness I had when we were together? Or do I move forward, accept what I can't change and find my own ending.
It is 9 weeks since I last had any contact with him. I accepted that I would not get any 'closure' or answers or information to help me understand from him very quickly.. in the first week I was away from him. I haven't sought it. And I have to say, I think my progress and my healing is all the better for it.
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