FreeBird09

I had a long talk with my Mom yesterday, she had asked me to call her when she could 'talk' to me without her AH home. I had never asked my Mom if she regrets taking her AH back after they had split for 2 years until yesterday when she advised me to NOT take the ABF back. I said, Mom if you could, would you do it all over again and not take AH back? She said, she would NOT take him back. He is still drinking, she said she feels trapped in his alcoholism, she said he is demanding, refuses to interact with family, is physically sick, threatens to leave her... even after they have been back together for 27 years. She said it is a never ending cycle of fear for her.

I ask her, why don't you leave then. She said, it is too late for me at this point, but it isn't too late for you.. I know you won't take my advice, but for this one time at least consider what I have to say. You spent so much of your life in an abusive situation, you deserve so much more.

I always look at my Moms life as an indicator of what I DONT want in my life, she is into her 60's and she still cries all the time (who wants that much pain) she has to drive her AH around as if she is the cabbie, she gives up her wants, needs, and desires (codie) to make life smooth (it don't look smooth to me!) on top of it all, he is sick because of the drinking and will not stop.

The funny thing is, he criticizes my ABF and asks me why I would want someone who drinks all the time in my life. My jaw dropped to the ground!! He says the same thing to my Mom, that my ABF is a loser because he is an alcoholic, and she just looks at him and says, and the difference between the two of you is.. WHAT??.

The advice from my Mom is: you have so much going for you, smart, pretty, fun to be around.. don't give that up to be with someone who isn't going to change. She said, he may stop drinking but he will still be an alcoholic (in behavior) She said, you have a chance at a fresh start, take it and RUN, don't look back.. just RUN RUN RUN.. as far away from him as possible, as he is just playing games with you and will do so for the rest of your life if you LET him.

One more thing, they are of the upper class and by looking from the outside in you would never know that life was so painful.

Pelican

How sad for your mom that she has given up hope for herself. It's never too late to begin to take care of ourselves.

Their advice to you is tops! Got your running shoes laced up yet? Set yourself free and run towards your personal future.

FreeBird09

Pelican, I have been working on myself for 10 months now since he has been gone. I haven't put my running shoes on yet.. just putting my socks on, looking for the running shoes.. not sure where I put them. (meaning, not sure if I am making the right decisions, so basically treading water until my heart feels it is right to never take him back) The more input I get, the clearer I see.

isurvived

Life has no finer teacher than the lessons of experience.

Might be wise to heed your mother's advice...she took that road, and knows where it leads.

GiveLove

You're doing a good job, sadending.

It seems like you have a pretty clear choice, and it's all in your hands:

Take him back, and end up sick and sad like your mom (who taught this behavior to you, face it).

Or don't, and truly live.

Hoping it's the latter, but well, it's your choice.

FreeBird09

GiveLove, Oh yes, my Mom taught me all of these codie ways (although I don't blame her for my choices in my adult life) and then some. I stepped outside the box when I decided to live on my own, paying my own bills (a new concept to any female in my family for as far back as the eyes can see) being a single Mom, WITHOUT having the NEED to have a man in my life. I didn't say I don't WANT one, I just made the choice to not have one at this time. Besides, until I am clear in my heart and mind it is unfair to drag another person into things they can't see. It was the hardest choice I have had to make, but I am more tired of the poor choices I have made, then in being alone (without a man). I was taught that a woman NEEDED a man in her life, that there is NO WAY to survive without one. I guess I rocked that concept right out of the water. I have to admit, it was a hard concept and cycle to break. Now I am not sure if I can even share a home with anyone else, even if/when the ABF wants to come back. I am having a total meltdown over it.

Thanks for the advice. It really is a no brainer eh!. Take him back as is, and live a life of pure hell, or keep moving forward in my own life. At times I feel like I am suffering from the Stockholm syndrome, or maybe a nack for not remembering the horrible times and only remembering the good ones. SR helps me see things I don't want to look at.

GiveLove

Big hugs for all the hard work you're doing on yourself ((( sadending )))

I hope we can change your name some day, get that 'sad' part out of there

TakingCharge999

From sadending to happystart

It is tough to open your eyes, reality hurts like hell (alcoholism has a way of making you believe black is NOT BLACK and misery is NOT MISERY) but it also makes you free!

Afterwards you get so much blessings, its hard not to say all the past hurt had its purpose
Life is short, to spend it suffering.

Hope you find something today that makes you feel better.

FreeBird09

If I knew HOW to change the name I would. I guess back when I started on here life seemed so out of control, today I see all the possibilities. I am still in a great deal of pain over this situation. The ABF does want to come back, but I don't want to 'settle' for less then I deserve. (that is why my Mom had the talk with me, she does not want him coming back and tearing down what I have built up in myself, not that she don't like him, but she believes (as do I) that I deserve better. I love him very much, always will. He was my HS sweetheart, the ties are deep. BUT I keep asking myself, at WHAT cost will I keep allowing this to drag on. I have a great faith in God and have been praying for a miracle. It can happen, but in the mean time I am feeling quite intensely that him in my life isn't the intended path, just my free will taking over. He wants to see me next week, but the last time I seen him I was left feeling quite out of sorts in some ways, and stronger in my resolve in other ways. Ah, I don't know.. I just keep on keeping on day by day.

If anyone knows how to change the name, please do help me with that. Thank you.

LaTeeDa

Something that really helped me was to take never out of my thinking. As well as always, all, nothing, black, white, right, wrong, etc.

None of us can accurately predict the future. The decisions we make are not forever. They are now. Living in the present moment without the baggage of the past or the uncertainty (and resulting fear) of the future has made my life so much more enjoyable.

L

FreeBird09

Thanks LaTeeDa, that made a lot of sense to me.

TakingCharge999

You can send a PM to DesertEyes or one of the moderators with your new name and they will change it (top left - User CP - Private Messages).

FreeBird09

TakingCharge, thank you so much. I will change it. Now what to change to it.. humm.. All these decisions.. hahahah! Only kidding.

GiveLove

Hey, what a nice new name!

Bernadette

FreeBird!!! Nice.
Fly high baby!!!!
peace,
b

Pelican

Very Cool! Like that new name (rather partial to birds, myself)

TakingCharge999

GREAT NEW NICKNAME!!!

Sorry for the Caps lock. Got excited

FreeBird09

Thank you everyone.. I am trying to fly high above the distress, and considering I realized that I am FREE........FREE........FREE... it is time I acted like I am FREE!!!...