dueindecember

Husband returned from detox Saturday- I was expecting a happy reunion, but was sadly mistaken. My husband has always been somewhat moody and difficult, but in the weeks leading up to his detox he had become downright mean, now that he is home he is even worse! It's truly unbearable. Within hours of his return he told me he was not happy with our marriage and that I would have to change things if I wanted to stay with him, I scheduled our first session of marriage counseling before he ever got home from rehab, but the day he got home and told me all of this, I told him that honestly I didn't know if I even wanted to try to fix things anymore but I was willing to try- the morning of counseling he spent 30 minutes telling me how he didn't want to go because it was a waste of time and then made us late, yesterday we had a MILD disagremeent about the kids, during which I was told that maybe I just couldn't help being such a B!tch and then tonight I had to wake him up to go to AA and I was told again what a B!tch I was and that I would never be allowed to rest in this house again (I'm pregnant, its been a difficult first trimester and the doctor has told me to try to rest as time permits during the day, since my body is under the stress of a pregnancy and all of this other drama right now)

Here's my question- I understand that this is a very trying time for him and I have tried to be very tolerant, but I'm wondering how much of this anger is normal & how much is just because he's a jerk.

I would love to hear your experiences with a spouse in the early day following detox and how you coped.

Thanks!

suki44883

Sorry to be so blunt, but he is just a jerk. You take a drunk jerk and detox him and you're left with just a jerk. Stopping drinking is only the first step. He must follow that up with some kind of program. Of course, that doesn't mean he won't still be a jerk.

GiveLove

And sorry to be so logical, but it sounds like he was a jerk before, a non-jerk just long enough to get you to take him back, then jerk before detox and now a big jerk after detox.

Mathematically, he just sounds like a jerk.

But what about you? Is this the way you want to be treated? Is this what you dreamed of as a little girl?

And from my experience: The first time an X called me a b**** was the last time he had a chance to. We were separated within the month and good riddance. Why would anyone suffer that kind of disrespect? What are you getting out of this relationship?

Only you can decide when you've had enough. There are no easy answers, and we don't know anything about your history together. Just take care of YOU.

Wishing you and baby well

Freedom1990

I'm going to be blunt with you because there are kids involved.

I'd have my 31 year old daughter post here and tell you how living the first 8 years of her life in an alcoholic home affected her, but she's not interested in places like this.

You see, she's an active alcoholic/addict. She also got the best side of me when it came to picking men. I don't think she's dated one yet that didn't serve time, and is currently engaged to a convicted child molester serving time in the penitentiary.

If you think that your children won't be affected, regardless of age, you are so very wrong.

What kind of a role model is he providing for the two children currently in the home?

My bar of standards was so low when I left the abusive EXAH no one could limbo under it.

How far down are you going to lower your bar of standards?

Recently detoxed or not, his calling you a b*tch and acting like a spoiled brat is unacceptable behavior in my books. Maybe your book reads different.

dueindecember

You are all so right- I've never let anybody speak to me like this before. I think he has just done a better job than I realized of twisiting this around and making me feel like I am to blame. I am not even quite sure how it happened, but its good to get some perspective.
Thanks again

Bernadette

how much is just because he's a jerk.?

From what you're describing I'd say much!

Sounds like a miserable place to live! Are you ready to make a plan to live differently? Baby steps will still take you on a journey - you just have to be willing to take the first little step and start the trip! Maybe you can see that counselor on your own - since he doesn't exactly seem into it.

Please take care of yourself and the other children....
peace,
b

freya

Please see the link below:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-tchology.html

A real b*tch would not wake him up to go to his AA meeting -- she would let him go or not go as he chooses and she would let him receive the natural consequences of whatever choice he makes.

A real b*tch would not not let him "make" her late for a professional appointment -- she would leave as necessary to be to her appointment on time, with or without him -- and let him arrive late or not at all as he so chooses. (....and she would not bother making up lies or excuses to "cover up" for his uncivil behavior toward the professional either!)

A real b*tch would not even entertain the idea that early recovery "aggitation" might possibly obligate her to submit to jerky, dry-drunk behavior.

So, it definitely appears that you are not a real b*tch. It also appears that he has no idea what a real b*tch is.

I strongly recommend that you educate him by committing yourself to becoming a real b*tch.

freya

Barbara52

Amen to that!

ItsmeAlice

I second that Amen!

We all want you to be safe.

In my experience, it has been safer to do what I can to avoid escalating things from verbal to physical action from my ABF. This means not getting into disagreements with him no matter how mild. I don't get walked on because I keep my boundaries in place, but I do dodge hot issues, leave the room when he shows signs of agitation, and I keep my recovery to myself.

Stay strong. Keep posting.

Alice

bluejay6

How awful for you to live this way, honey.

I hope you can change your name to "FreebyDecember" (or way sooner).

Please move out of there for the remainder of your pregnancy or get him out through legal separation. Your health and your baby's health are both in extreme risk from emotional violence and psychological abuse.

I'm so sorry. Please reach out for a counselor for you alone, a lawyer, and an Al-Anon support group (some of whom will see you through the delivery....I would not count on him to show).

It's so sad. But you are not to blame in any way at all. Not in any way at all. You have done your best. Hand him over to God and walk away with your child's protection uppermost in your mind.

God bless you and all your children.

prodigal

Now that you have him figured out, what do you plan to do for YOURSELF? You can analyze why he's acting like a royal pain in the a$$ and an immature jerk, or you can get the focus on you and your children.

I am not advocating separation or divorce; however, I think you need to get into Al-Anon and/or counseling ASAP. This is no environment in which to raise children.

If he wanted sobriety, he'd get himself into an AA meeting and you would not have to be waking him up.

Calling you a b!tch. Verbal abuse. Just plain old abuse, actually. Do you want your children to see or hear a man treat a woman this way?

ICant

Chiming in. I completely agree. From the very beginning you are showing your children what is 'normal' behaviour between a husband and wife. If you have a son, he will think it is completely normal to abuse his wife and if you have a daughter, she will think it is completely normal to be abused. This happens regardless of what you say or society teaches them.

On the other hand, just to offer you some hope. My husband is 4 months sober in AA. I've been in Al-Anon 6 months. Around the 3 month sobriety mark things started to improve in my husband's behaviour. Al-Anon recommends no major changes within the first 6 months to a year and I've made the committment to stick around for at least a year to see how it all pans out. I am seeing some light in our marriage again. BUT both partners (including myself) need to improve relations.

Tally

My RABF has been dry now for 15 months and he's still a jerk. I think you have such great expectations for when they finally get sober and when the expectations don't materialize you're left with "well maybe this is just who he is".

Callie

With my RAH (drugs) he was a real jerk (though never directly towards me) for the first 10-20 days of detox. After that he evened out and was much less beligerant. The key for him to "get" it (what he'd done/put us through) was intensive counseling.

Any time he's useing or active he becomes very manipulative and will lie before he'll tell the truth. What would worry me about your AH is that he's not getting the intensive counseling that he needs or willingly attending his meetings.

Edited to answer your ?? - no you can't be that awful. I think it's time for you to stop being his doormat or sounding block for his anger.

TakingCharge999

Hi dueindecember!!

As they say around these forums... imagine he is a total stranger that treats you this way, how would you respond? why is it OK for him?

I hope you realize he is already affecting your baby as he is causing you undue stress at the most delicate (and what should be) a wonderful, precious time of your life as a woman. If the doc says you need rest, YOU NEED REST, physical rest, emotional rest!

I also hope you take the steps needed to take care of YOU. Perhaps stay with a friend or family member during your pregnancy? You do not have to take harsh decisions now, the only priority here is your health and your baby's.

Honestly I do not give a damn about someone who is capable of treating a woman this way, who knows what are the reasons for his anger. I agree that it does not matter if he wants to go with a counselor, please go by yourself.

Sorry if we sound harsh, but we all have something in common here in SR - we are rooting for YOU and your happiness!
((Hugs))