Arede

Hello everyone,

About 8 years ago I divorced and got custody of our 2 boys. (at the time, almost 3 and 5) She went out of control with her addictions (Drinking, pot, ecstasy, cocaine, pills, partying and sleeping around with men and women) and the marriage fell apart. I raised my sons for 3 years by myself till I met my new wife, who is the most wonderful person/wife/mother, has 3 older boys of her own(16, 21, + 24), and I really couldn't be happier, we have a great relationship. My kids love her, they like having older brothers, and we are a happy family.

Over the past 8 years, my sons' Mom has popped in and out of their life a weekend here and there. Maybe average 2-3 times a year. Sometimes more, sometimes less. She's lived in a dozen houses, I don't know how many boyfriends, I rarely had a phone number for her. It seemed when the kids were younger her sporadic visits would only make them miss her more. Over the last couple years they rarely ask about her or see her. It's like they got used to it, and don't really know any different.

They do excellent in school, straight A's and B's. They are very well mannered, fun to talk to, rarely get in trouble, happy kids. I really couldn't be prouder of them. My current wife raises them as her own, and they think of her as Mom because they really don't remember living with their real Mom.
They really aren't affected by their mothers addiction, at least they have never seen it. But that's because they don't see or talk to her much. (last time was last May.) In fact they don't even seem very affected by her not being a part of their life.
In the last year she has been arrested twice, and this last time she served a few months then they put her in a mandatory 6 month rehab. Which she is about half way through. I'm guessing all the feeling she suppressed for all these years are finally coming out, and she wants to tell the boys all about her addiction and why she was never around etc... When she gets out she plans on staying clean of course and wants to start seeing the boys. I am not against her trying to develope a relationship with her kids. But in this situation I'm not so sure she should explain her addiction to them.

It's hard for me to decide if I should explain, or let her explain what has been going on over the past 8 years. I feel they are children and shouldn't have to deal with adult problems. It doesn't seem necessasary. They don't act out, they don't cry for their mom, they don't even ask me about her anymore. She says the counselors there tell her it would be good for her to talk to them about it. (But I have a feeling the counselors don't know the whole story.) I asked if it was good for her, or good for them? and she hesitated and said, both. But I'm not so sure. She could turn her life around, start spending time with them and never tell them, and they would be even happier than they are now. If I don't say anything, and I ask her not to either what is the down side? Would they blame me for not telling them when they did find out down the road? I think they would understand that I wanted them to grow up in a normal environment, and whether they knew or not, things would have been the same. Except they would have had a lot more to deal with emotionally.

I can't help but think think if we were honest with them that they wouldn't understand fully. I mean I know they would intelectually understand what a drug problem is, but emotionally how can a child understand why their own mother hasn't been in their life. What would they think of their Mom? Would they even want to spend time with her? Would they blame themselves? A whole new wave of feeling they probably aren't prepared to deal with might be harmful right? I as an adult don't even understand how a parent could choose drugs over their kids, but it happens every day all over.

My current wife's first husband was a drunk and physically abusive and they divorced when her boys were little too, and he just plain disappeared. The 2 older boys met him accidentally as an adult and he was still an alcoholic and they decided on their own they didn't want to know him. I asked them if they thought it would have been a benefit to know about the reason for their dad's absence. And they said no, that they were glad their mom guarded them from him.

Bottom line is I want to do the right thing for my sons sake. At 10 and 12 years old they are old enough to comprehend to an extent, but I'm not sure how they would process everything. If they are happy and content, why lay that on them. In what ways would telling them help? Or harm?

If anyone who's been in this situation, has any advise... or better yet, you were a preteen when you found out about an absent parents addiction, and how it made you feel, how you dealt with it. Or if you didn't find out till you were an adult, how it affected you, and how you dealt with it...

Thanks for looking, I appreciate anyone taking the time to reply.

GiveLove

Arede, I'm not a parent so mine is not the kind of input you're probably seeking.

I'm sure some people with children will be along shortly.

But I did want to pop in and say hello, and to congratulate you for trying to do what's best for your boys. As long as you continue to communicate honestly with them, and as long as they feel comfortable coming to you to ask questions or vent their frustrations, I have a gut feeling that they will be fine no matter what happens.

Have you thought about some family counseling to prepare them for what may be said? On the other friends & family boards, we often get stories of parents who worry themselves sick over how to broach the topic of addiction to kids, or worried about someone else doing it, and when it actually happens the kids roll their eyes and say, "Yeah, mom, we already learned all about it in the "Just Say No" workshop at school ten times...."

A family counselor may have some suggestions on age-appropriate ways to communicate with them about this, to mentally inoculate them against possible hurt, assuming you can't prevent her from talking to them eventually?

Sorry you're going through this but...gosh, they sound like really good, well-adjusted kids. Good job, dad!


GL

LucyA

Hi, I'm not sure about absent parents, I guess Joes was even though he lived just down the road. You'll have to see my history to get the gist of everything about me and Joe, it's way too long to tell, but Joe's my nephew and his dad was my brother. Joe's lived with me for the last year.
Anyway, Joe's 12 and I soon learned that he was one step ahead of me in knowing what was going on with his dad. He saw and picked up on so much more that I knew, even when he wasn't living with Dad. He picks up on my emotions and seems to know instinctively what's going on.
I learned with Joe that he didnt always want to acknowledge his feelings, but when he did/does he'll let me know and ask questions or initiate a conversation about it. I've always been honest if he's asked me a direct question, but I've always told him that sometimes it's 'grown up stuff' and nothing for kids to worry about.
In our case I've found it suits us both to be honest, open and ask if we don't know, but to keep the grown up stuff for grown ups. (Joe had been treted as his dads 'mate' and his dad used to share all kinds of inappropriate stuff with him, he's 12, he doesnt need that kind of responsibility)
Loads of that probably wont apply to your situation, but I'd say if they ask be honest but don't load them with too much information, and basically if their mum wants to talk to them it may be good for everyone, but if she doesn't do it the 'right' way for the kids thats her responsibility.

guiab

Could you talk to these counselors? Maybe you could meet with them together with your ex. As GL pointed out, this really requires family counseling and input from many sides.
Should you just hold off? Well, as shown by the older boys experience with their dad, you can't hide the truth forever. That accidental meeting might have gone differently if the awol biological father had not been so utterly repulsive. You might be better off allowing some contact where you have control of the situation.
Truth be told, I don't have any experience personally with this issue, but I know enough divorced/remarried people to have observed that it is rare that one biological parent remains forever out of the picture. Blood is thick stuff.
Regardless of what you decide, you are not responsible for your ex's recovery. One's recovery should not ever result in harm to another person. And you and your wife do well deserve a round of applause for doing such a great job with your kids (all 5).

Mr B

Arede,

My situation has some similarities with yours, except that my children witnessed much more of their mother's drinking and chaotic lifestyle. As such, I had to raise the issue of her drinking as they knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I find your thoughts on your children being particularly upset by their mom's unpredictability particularly telling; my children see their mom much more frequently but even then, the inconsistency is the thing that affects them the most.

My (very much) non-expert opinion is that you should talk to your children about this. There are two reasons I say this:

First, children have a real tendency to assume that parents leave them because of something to do with the child, rather than because of something to do with the adult. Even though your children may not remember their bio-mom being around, they'll be aware that most children do live with their bio-mom and will know that there's something "different" about your family. They may also have noticed that there was something "odd" about her during their visits, too. If nothing else, I feel you need to remind your children that their bio-mom's problems and choices bear absolutely no reflection on them. Bio-mom's problems are bio-mom's problems. They didn't cause those problems and neither can they control nor cure them.

Second, it's about maintaining trust and respect. The truth is a powerful thing not only for what the particular truth is about but also how one shares it and upholds it. I don't tell my children everything as I need to make sure it's age-appropriate and that they get as balanced a view as I can provide. What I make sure I don't do, though, is pretend that things are fine with their mother when they're not or to make up excuses. At its core, their mother tells all sorts of lies to them (she's an active alcoholic who pretends she's ill when she's drunk, among other thing) and I need them to know that, if nothing else, they can rely on me for the truth.

The final thing I would say is to try not to see her stay in rehab as an indication that she is going to turn her life around. A lot of addicted people go into rehab then come out and start drinking/drugging within days, weeks or months. My personal view is that your children shouldn't see her in rehab but, rather, wait for her to come out and then see how she does for at least a month before making any decisions about contact.

That all being said, my situation is significantly different to yours and I'm no expert. Could you maybe see if you could buy an hour with a psychologist / therapist who specialises in children and have a talk, just between you and the therapist, about how best to approach this? I live in the UK and there are a number of charities who could offer advice as well, but I'm not sure about what's available where you live.

Good luck,
Mr B.

gowest

I'm not trying to be difficult here, but just because they are doing so "well" does not make the above statements true. Do the statements make sense when you read them with out all the "rationalizations" as to why this is the case.

I think that the very fact you came here to ask what you should do is a signal that it is something that you are working up to addressing.

As a parent I have to continually remind myself that "happy" is not the only goal. Giving them the tools to deal with all that lies ahead in life, including the confusing, difficult truths that exist is also part of my job.

I cannot tell you when or how to tell them, but you seem like a very thoughtful person/parent and I'm sure however you tell them it will be "good enough".

I can tell you that I grew up (unknowingly) in a "happy" house of secrets and married into a house of bigger secrets. It was incredibly damaging in very subtle ways as a child and has caused some serious consequences for me as an adult. I was informed of the major secret when I was 21.

The secrets we keep hidden are more toxic than the truth.

JMHO

dothi

Just want to second gowest and throw in my two cents. If your children sense you are already quite stressed, they may conform to doing so "well" because they want to take care of you - which is not healthy, because ultimately they are still the children and you are still the parent. Please follow the advice given here and do talk to your children. Don't leave the impression that this is something "off-limits" or better off swept under the rug.

Speaking from my own experience, it was very difficult as a child to be truly honest with my parents when I could see that any further stress might cause them to completely unravel. To mitigate this, I also did "very well" in spite of some very extenuating circumstances. I sacrificed parts of myself for my parents because I hoped it would make things better. When children do not grow up in a stable home environment, recreating that sense of stability can become their most important priority. Expecting them to balance and weigh the pros/cons of their choices is something to expect from an adult, but not a child.

End point: it wouldn't hurt to cover your bases and throw some honesty out there. Yes they are relatively young now, but they may have questions later. Make it clear now that should they ever have any questions, you are approachable. This topic is not taboo. They needn't be overwhelmed with gritty details - just the take-home message that this can be discussed at any time. Do that, and you'll figure out through them just how much explaining really needs to be done. Good luck!