aah1977

Ok, first I have to say that I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last night so I'm TRYING to work on this...

I'm just so full of resentment! I know that in order to move on and to enjoy my life I've got to learn to let these things go, but some days it is really hard.

My husband is 5 1/2 months clean and is working very hard! I don't tell him what I'm feeling inside about things because it won't do any good for either of us if I wallow in self pity. I just need to vent a little. His addiction really threw our lives in a tailspin and has strained us so bad financially. I do ok and then something happens that makes me think "Damn, if only he wasn't an addict." For example, Over the past 2 weeks I've been offered 2 different jobs. One's salary is more than the job I left after having my son (which is fantastic money) and the other pays quite a bit less, but is my passion and is somewhere I've wanted to work since graduating college 10 years ago. It is an impossible place to get in with so getting my foot in the door would be fantastic. I have to tell them no because we can't swing it financially. A year ago we were financially stable with me being a stay at home mom and now I can't even take a job I've wanted forever because of his job loss and subsequent decrease in pay with the job he took after rehab. It isn't in the cards now and I need to live in the "now," but it can be so hard to not think about what could have been.

I wish there was a way I could wake up tomorrow and not dwell on it. I'm so Type-A and admittedly a control freak so letting go and living one day at a time is pretty difficult for me. Growing up I was always taught that I could do whatever I wanted to if I put my mind to it and worked hard. After living with an addict I'm not so sure about that anymore.

I know my husband feels bad that I can't take this job and I don't want him to feel guilty over it. I just want to be able to get over it!

Ok, vent over!

winnie12

The best way i've gotten over resentment is by realizing the role that i played in my own life. All the choices that we make will have consequences, either good or bad. I made the choice to marry my ex - for better or worse - i didnt know that the worse would be as bad as it was but it was still my choice so now i just have to deal with what i have. Ifs dont do us any good because its just an illusion - there's no perfect life, there's no one that doesnt deal with difficult choices and problems. IF your husband wasnt an addict there may be some other problem you would have to deal with. its just easier on us when we accept what we have and dont dwell on what we dont have.

wuzzled

I too, have a difficult time with resentment due to the financial situation we are in because of my RAH's addiction. Things should be SO MUCH better financially than they currently are, and it will take some time for things to become more stable. At the same time, I have to accept my responsibility for some of that, because "I" borrowed money during his active addiction to stay afloat. I was in such denial. Kept thinking "I" could get him to stop before things really got too bad! WRONG! Now I know better, unfortunately I know this too late!

I can't go back and undo any of that, I have to accept that we are where we are and keep moving forward. I try not to dwell on it or worry about it. I can only do what I can do with what I have right now. Worrying about finances won't give me more money, it will not change anything. I know that what ever is supposed to happen, will. Even if this means bankruptcy, which I really hope we avoid, so far, so good. All I can do right now, is what ever the best I can do is, and turn it over to my HP.

Keep going to Al-anon, it has help me tremendously. I was not sure that Al-anon would help, didn't know how it would help, but I do know it's working! They always say at the end of our meeting, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it."

Also, keep coming back here, there is so much support and knowledge here, and the best part is it's here 24/7.

As for the job offers, it sounds like you are conflicted between money and passion. What a tough choice. Maybe you should make a list of the pro's and con's of accepting each of the positions. I hope you can find a way to have the position you truly want to accept. You said it is with a company that is difficult to get into, to get your foot in the door . . . Maybe, once you have your foot in the door, you will be able to move up from there, and the less pay will only be for a short duration.

Don't worry about how he feels, he should feel guilty, let him feel bad about it. He needs to deal with those feelings. Let him work through that himself.

cessy68

Me to!!! I just took a personality test for one of the many psych classes I'm in, and whooo, was I an A!!

Of course I argued that I'm NOT!! Stomping my feet, listing all my lovely B qualities!

I think type A's are much more resistant to the changes that have to be made--

I believe that money WILL come, if you follow your heart and do whats right for you and your family. Money certaintly isn't everything- (and believe me, I really have financial troubles right now, and never had this before), but comming to terms with a financial loss is easier if you try to see your silver lining in the clouds........

Resentment is aweful, and it sounds like you are feeling 'guilty' for makeing him feel 'bad', it's ok to have feelings. It's ok to say you are sad and resentful..... perhaps set a time where the two of you can talk, and just tell him that you 'feel' a certain way, and that you wanted to discuss it, so that you don't bottle it up and become more resentful.

I hope everything works out for you.......... and you still can make all your dreams come true, regardless if you've had an addict in your life or not. Sometimes brick walls are put in front of us - not to stop us, but to show us how badly we want something. (Randy Pausch)

Love,
Cess

Hope2019

Old post from 11 years ago, but still relevant... regardless if I have resentment or not, I knew I wanted to make my relationship with my crystal-meth addict fiancee (well ex now since he dumped me... still not over the self-blame and miss him and everything that comes with wanting him back) because a relationship will never survive if we hold onto resentment and forgive half-heartedly.

I'm crazy in love with my crystal meth ex-fiancee but I also understand that all my anger/frustration and everything that encompasses resentment won't help the situation. In fact, having resentment with him still in my life seeking recovery, is a better trade-off than no resentment and him not in my life. I just don't like to give up on people because I wouldn't want someone to give up on me... I guess I'm so naiive like that, but I can't help it. After all, no one is perfect. But like your situation, I've had to choose between a dream career and "just a job" because I was family/relationship-oriented... I guess I chose wrong. But then again, if he's getting clean and working on himself, I wouldn't know that I chose wrong since he doesn't want me in my life.

My type-A personality feels like I can control any situation and that's where a lot of my self-blame comes from. I doubt if you even check on this website but the word 'resentment' screamed at me. In fact, I have more resentment for myself for not seeking resources on how to deal with/approach/maintain a relationship as a sober/non-user person who is in a relationship with a user. I feel so naiive and I can't change overnight. I feel so ignorant...