It scares me to care for her!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2
It scares me to care for her!
I really don't know what I want.
My mother's been an off and on alcoholic my whole life (I'm just turning 19), and though I may be young, I can feel this having a major impact on me.
She's been hooked on Oxycontin and alcohol, while she puts off and has refused any help. She's been keeping me "Updated", claiming she's getting better, and excuses such as "Oh, I couldn't possibly go to CAMH or AA, I'm feeling too sick, next week for sure!". So she's been doing this over the past few months, and everyone's sick of it. I even got to the point where I just say "I don't care about her, I don't care anymore, she's just too f**ked up".
So I get a call tonight around 11, her ex boyfriend and his daughter where worried about her because they couldn't get a hold of her, and she wasn't answering the door.
I go over there with my dad with this ideal in my mind "Ok, I don't give a crap about her, I just want to save her cats and bring them to my place, she's not a mother to me."...
I get there, and the place is covered in cat poop, urine, pill containers, hundreds of alcohol bottles, and blasting music... so I go into her room, she's passed out face down, and I knock on her head...
as soon as she lifts up, she reminded me of the old lady in requiem for a dream (who went insane) - her liver obviously gave out, she had no pants on, but one thing REALLY hit me.. she had a hair straightener burn across her face and couldn't feel it... I looked at her and I can't describe what I felt... but for the first time in 2-3 years I just burst out crying/screaming.
I think it was the combination of my deep love for the person she can be, combined with pity, and feeling how pathetic she is, with the fact that she denies any help, and that she was so completely out of it she couldn't feel the burn from an iron. It all just scared the crap out of me, that this may never end.. I feel so sorry for her.
We got her in a hospital tonight, and her ex is staying with to make sure she gets proper treatment, and the scar doesn't look as bad. But I have no idea if they can keep her, or if she'll just take off.. or what.
I never cried so hard since I can remember.. I just want her out of my life, because I know she's going to fall back into this mess.
I'm so sorry, I don't really know what I'm rambling on about - I just feel so freaked out, this cut me deep. To see such a caring, loving, careful, clean, tidy, and organized woman fall into this pathetic state. And to think a day ago I "Didn't care.." but it's so hard to just turn your back on your family. We can keep attempting to help her, but I don't know how much of this I can take.. if I care too much for her, I feel like I'll just lose her.
Of course her mother's insane too, and my mother spent her whole life worrying about her - and it's screwed her over. I know I can learn from all of this (their mistakes), I'm just really confused right now, I can't stop caring about her, but at this point I feel like there's nothing I can do to help, I used to be pissed off at her... but after tonight, I just plain feel sorry for her, so sorry that I've cried hard for her.
My mother's been an off and on alcoholic my whole life (I'm just turning 19), and though I may be young, I can feel this having a major impact on me.
She's been hooked on Oxycontin and alcohol, while she puts off and has refused any help. She's been keeping me "Updated", claiming she's getting better, and excuses such as "Oh, I couldn't possibly go to CAMH or AA, I'm feeling too sick, next week for sure!". So she's been doing this over the past few months, and everyone's sick of it. I even got to the point where I just say "I don't care about her, I don't care anymore, she's just too f**ked up".
So I get a call tonight around 11, her ex boyfriend and his daughter where worried about her because they couldn't get a hold of her, and she wasn't answering the door.
I go over there with my dad with this ideal in my mind "Ok, I don't give a crap about her, I just want to save her cats and bring them to my place, she's not a mother to me."...
I get there, and the place is covered in cat poop, urine, pill containers, hundreds of alcohol bottles, and blasting music... so I go into her room, she's passed out face down, and I knock on her head...
as soon as she lifts up, she reminded me of the old lady in requiem for a dream (who went insane) - her liver obviously gave out, she had no pants on, but one thing REALLY hit me.. she had a hair straightener burn across her face and couldn't feel it... I looked at her and I can't describe what I felt... but for the first time in 2-3 years I just burst out crying/screaming.
I think it was the combination of my deep love for the person she can be, combined with pity, and feeling how pathetic she is, with the fact that she denies any help, and that she was so completely out of it she couldn't feel the burn from an iron. It all just scared the crap out of me, that this may never end.. I feel so sorry for her.
We got her in a hospital tonight, and her ex is staying with to make sure she gets proper treatment, and the scar doesn't look as bad. But I have no idea if they can keep her, or if she'll just take off.. or what.
I never cried so hard since I can remember.. I just want her out of my life, because I know she's going to fall back into this mess.
I'm so sorry, I don't really know what I'm rambling on about - I just feel so freaked out, this cut me deep. To see such a caring, loving, careful, clean, tidy, and organized woman fall into this pathetic state. And to think a day ago I "Didn't care.." but it's so hard to just turn your back on your family. We can keep attempting to help her, but I don't know how much of this I can take.. if I care too much for her, I feel like I'll just lose her.
Of course her mother's insane too, and my mother spent her whole life worrying about her - and it's screwed her over. I know I can learn from all of this (their mistakes), I'm just really confused right now, I can't stop caring about her, but at this point I feel like there's nothing I can do to help, I used to be pissed off at her... but after tonight, I just plain feel sorry for her, so sorry that I've cried hard for her.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 25
((Awake))... First, BIG HUGS. Take a deep breath...
I have been right where you are. You're story brought tears to my eyes and sounded so familiar. My mom has been an A for the past 12 years. From the sounds of it, our stories are almost identical. I know your pain as I've lived it. Within the past two years, a part of me (and this may sound terrible) wished that she would die and succumb to the disease so that she would no longer suffer and so that I didn't have to suffer anymore either. I lost all hope and faith.
I started going to Al-anon and seeing a counselor. I put boundaries in place and I will admit some of them were the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I had to do it for my sanity and my life. I had a talk with my mom while she was clean for a few days and told her my boundaries (I refused to see her or talk to her if she was drinking). She tested them and continues to test them, but I stick to them because they are put in place for a reason: to keep me safe and healthy.
It dawned on me one day that while I cannot change her or her behaviors, I can change mine. You mentioned at this point that you feel like there's nothing you can do to help. Well, there may be nothing you can do to help her until she's ready but there are things you can do to help yourself. I would highly recommend you contact a counselor and start going to Al-anon meetings. Just because she doesn't want to change her life, doesn't mean you have to be stuck in the same rut as her. It takes enourmous amounts of strenght and will to leave her behind, but if that's what you need to do to be okay, then let your HP guide you to that place.
I'll be thinking of you and praying that you find some peace and comfort throughout all of this. Keep us posted on how your doing. Hang in there! BIG HUGS!!!
I have been right where you are. You're story brought tears to my eyes and sounded so familiar. My mom has been an A for the past 12 years. From the sounds of it, our stories are almost identical. I know your pain as I've lived it. Within the past two years, a part of me (and this may sound terrible) wished that she would die and succumb to the disease so that she would no longer suffer and so that I didn't have to suffer anymore either. I lost all hope and faith.
I started going to Al-anon and seeing a counselor. I put boundaries in place and I will admit some of them were the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I had to do it for my sanity and my life. I had a talk with my mom while she was clean for a few days and told her my boundaries (I refused to see her or talk to her if she was drinking). She tested them and continues to test them, but I stick to them because they are put in place for a reason: to keep me safe and healthy.
It dawned on me one day that while I cannot change her or her behaviors, I can change mine. You mentioned at this point that you feel like there's nothing you can do to help. Well, there may be nothing you can do to help her until she's ready but there are things you can do to help yourself. I would highly recommend you contact a counselor and start going to Al-anon meetings. Just because she doesn't want to change her life, doesn't mean you have to be stuck in the same rut as her. It takes enourmous amounts of strenght and will to leave her behind, but if that's what you need to do to be okay, then let your HP guide you to that place.
I'll be thinking of you and praying that you find some peace and comfort throughout all of this. Keep us posted on how your doing. Hang in there! BIG HUGS!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I would just like to let you know that we humans are very complex, and that it is completely possible to love someone and never want to speak to them again simultaneously. It is not an either/or proposition.
I agree with littlebrrr that it would be good for you to either attend AlAnon meetings or start seeing a therapist - you're going to need help getting through this from someone outside your sphere. While this board will do what we can, nothing is as good as talking to someone face to face where tone of voice can be heard and people can give you instant feedback. There are therapists who specialize in ACoA issues - I believe all state have a board of psychologists who you can call and ask for a referral. Cognitive Behavioral Therapists are also very good with issues like these.
I wish you much strength and am proud of you for recognizing what's going on inside yourself at "such a young age" - many of us didn't realize what was happening in our heads until we were much older and lost bigger parts of our lives to the craziness.
Gin
I agree with littlebrrr that it would be good for you to either attend AlAnon meetings or start seeing a therapist - you're going to need help getting through this from someone outside your sphere. While this board will do what we can, nothing is as good as talking to someone face to face where tone of voice can be heard and people can give you instant feedback. There are therapists who specialize in ACoA issues - I believe all state have a board of psychologists who you can call and ask for a referral. Cognitive Behavioral Therapists are also very good with issues like these.
I wish you much strength and am proud of you for recognizing what's going on inside yourself at "such a young age" - many of us didn't realize what was happening in our heads until we were much older and lost bigger parts of our lives to the craziness.
Gin
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
awakeodin,
Are you feeling any better this morning? Sometimes after a traumatic experience, it just feels like life is never going to get any better. I hope that a couple of nights' sleep, and some distance from this situation, will help you not to feel so panicked.
It's okay to feel confused.
All of us who deal with addicts know that conflict between loving the person they used to be, and hating the person they are now.
The best thing I ever did was work with a counselor - just a handful of sessions - who had experience with adult children of alcoholics and addicts. All of these tangled ropes of emotion you talk about? Their job is to work with you to untangle them, pull out the knots, straighten them out, so they don't immobilize you.
Like ginger said, it is possible - and normal - to have conflicting emotions. There's nothing wrong with you. Getting them all sorted out and in the bright light of day (rather than trying to hide them) just gives so much relief.
Al-Anon or Naranon meetings are great for getting face-to-face support from other people who are going through the same madness you are. You would be absolutely amazed at how similar the stories are. I can't tell you how much that helped me too....just knowing I wasn't crazy and I wasn't alone in how I felt.
Can you try either of these options? I just think it would help you so much.
This is really, really hard stuff and you should not have to do this alone.
:ghug3
Are you feeling any better this morning? Sometimes after a traumatic experience, it just feels like life is never going to get any better. I hope that a couple of nights' sleep, and some distance from this situation, will help you not to feel so panicked.
It's okay to feel confused.
All of us who deal with addicts know that conflict between loving the person they used to be, and hating the person they are now.
The best thing I ever did was work with a counselor - just a handful of sessions - who had experience with adult children of alcoholics and addicts. All of these tangled ropes of emotion you talk about? Their job is to work with you to untangle them, pull out the knots, straighten them out, so they don't immobilize you.
Like ginger said, it is possible - and normal - to have conflicting emotions. There's nothing wrong with you. Getting them all sorted out and in the bright light of day (rather than trying to hide them) just gives so much relief.
Al-Anon or Naranon meetings are great for getting face-to-face support from other people who are going through the same madness you are. You would be absolutely amazed at how similar the stories are. I can't tell you how much that helped me too....just knowing I wasn't crazy and I wasn't alone in how I felt.
Can you try either of these options? I just think it would help you so much.
This is really, really hard stuff and you should not have to do this alone.
:ghug3
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
awakeodin,
I watched my mother go through the same downward slide all through my high school years. From a beautiful, intelligent, outdoors-loving, music-loving, skilled nurse to a house-bound alcoholic invalid. It is awful and sad and an avoidable loss of human potential.
And it was her choice. (my mother)
And it is her choice. (your mother)
Remember the 3C's
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
You CAN talk to others who have been through this stuff (like this place), and, as wisely suggested above, go to alanon and counseling.
You CAN love you mother and detach yourself from her insanity.
You have to love yourself at least as much as others, which means not following them down the steep road they have chosen.
She already knows that you really really want her to make the better choice for herself, to be part of your life for many more years, and that is love.
You may have some difficult decisions ahead if she cannot take care of herself and she may even be a danger to herself. I have no good suggestions there. It looks like you are in contact with other family members and doctors and that will help in the days ahead.
I watched my mother go through the same downward slide all through my high school years. From a beautiful, intelligent, outdoors-loving, music-loving, skilled nurse to a house-bound alcoholic invalid. It is awful and sad and an avoidable loss of human potential.
And it was her choice. (my mother)
And it is her choice. (your mother)
Remember the 3C's
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
You CAN talk to others who have been through this stuff (like this place), and, as wisely suggested above, go to alanon and counseling.
You CAN love you mother and detach yourself from her insanity.
You have to love yourself at least as much as others, which means not following them down the steep road they have chosen.
She already knows that you really really want her to make the better choice for herself, to be part of your life for many more years, and that is love.
You may have some difficult decisions ahead if she cannot take care of herself and she may even be a danger to herself. I have no good suggestions there. It looks like you are in contact with other family members and doctors and that will help in the days ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2
Well today I feel a lot better.
I hear she's been set up at "CAMH", for at least a week - and likes the feel of it. Not sure of the specifics yet (her liver, kidney, face, etc.)
I think I've just got to talk to her while she's straight, and set things straight. I have no clue what to say (maybe aa can help with that), but I'd love for her to just go live out in the woods somewhere, hehe.
She has to make some serious choices while she's straight, and learn from what previously drove her downhill. I mean when you're throwing up right on your pillow because you don't have the encouragement to get up... the next step is choking to death on your puke.
Getting me an appointment to speak to a councellor/aa might take a few weeks, and she'll try to get in contact with me before then I believe.. shall I just politely tell her that I need some time apart from her until I'm sure she's stable, and I've helped myself too?
There must be a few nice counciling/aa community's in Toronto (Canada), do you guys know of one? I'll give a look around online this week too.
And thanks so much everyone for the responses, they've helped a lot
I hear she's been set up at "CAMH", for at least a week - and likes the feel of it. Not sure of the specifics yet (her liver, kidney, face, etc.)
I think I've just got to talk to her while she's straight, and set things straight. I have no clue what to say (maybe aa can help with that), but I'd love for her to just go live out in the woods somewhere, hehe.
She has to make some serious choices while she's straight, and learn from what previously drove her downhill. I mean when you're throwing up right on your pillow because you don't have the encouragement to get up... the next step is choking to death on your puke.
Getting me an appointment to speak to a councellor/aa might take a few weeks, and she'll try to get in contact with me before then I believe.. shall I just politely tell her that I need some time apart from her until I'm sure she's stable, and I've helped myself too?
There must be a few nice counciling/aa community's in Toronto (Canada), do you guys know of one? I'll give a look around online this week too.
And thanks so much everyone for the responses, they've helped a lot
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
awakeodin,
I had a similar circumstance with my mother. Once she was placed in the hospital I had to let go for my own sanity for a while. I had to learn that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of her.
This break really helped me gain some boundaries and gave me time to begin to heal. Now I am in written contact with my mother, but I still will not talk with her on the phone nor in person. Its just too upsetting and I'll never know when she will be her sober or stoned self.
I had a similar circumstance with my mother. Once she was placed in the hospital I had to let go for my own sanity for a while. I had to learn that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of her.
This break really helped me gain some boundaries and gave me time to begin to heal. Now I am in written contact with my mother, but I still will not talk with her on the phone nor in person. Its just too upsetting and I'll never know when she will be her sober or stoned self.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm not sure where you live in Toronto, but perhaps this will be of some help: Find a meeting in Ontario
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 25
In my opinion, now would be the best time to put a few boundaries in place. Tell her that this whole experience has been quite traumatic for you and you need a few days or a few weeks to collect your thoughts. While you will completely support her getting the help she so desperately needs and deserves, you also need to seek help for yourself as well. That being said, you can tell her what your boundaries are: Example... Please do not contact me if you have been drinking or taking pills. If you do call me and I suspect your using, I love you, but I will not remain on the line. While I hope that you will not drink or take pills, I cannot make that decision for you. I can only make decisions for myself and right now, I'm making the decision to start taking care of me. Your doing these things out of love, not anger or resentment. You can no longer tolerate the insanity or the craziness of the situation.
If she does call you in the next few weeks and you suspect she's been drinking and/or using, just say: I love you, and I'm hanging up now. Repeat it twice more and then hang-up.
If you decide to drop in on her and see how she's doing, call her first and make the decision from there whether or not to go based on whether or not you feel it's the best for you (Is she drinking? If so, don't go.)
The best possible thing I did for myself during all of my mom's insanity was turn my phone off after 9 pm. It was tough at first, but getting myself some good, uninterrupted sleep and peaceful rest did amazing things for me. For me, when my phone rang in middle of the night, I was instantly overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. I put a stop to it because it was unhealthy for me to feel that way.
Good luck finding a counselor and/or an Al-anon meeting. This is a tough journey to go through, especially by yourself, but I know you can do it.
If she does call you in the next few weeks and you suspect she's been drinking and/or using, just say: I love you, and I'm hanging up now. Repeat it twice more and then hang-up.
If you decide to drop in on her and see how she's doing, call her first and make the decision from there whether or not to go based on whether or not you feel it's the best for you (Is she drinking? If so, don't go.)
The best possible thing I did for myself during all of my mom's insanity was turn my phone off after 9 pm. It was tough at first, but getting myself some good, uninterrupted sleep and peaceful rest did amazing things for me. For me, when my phone rang in middle of the night, I was instantly overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. I put a stop to it because it was unhealthy for me to feel that way.
Good luck finding a counselor and/or an Al-anon meeting. This is a tough journey to go through, especially by yourself, but I know you can do it.
one.day.at.a.time.
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Lousiana
Posts: 19
this definitley sounds familiar and it's so hard to watch someone you love self destruct but... my mom is gone and i miss her SO dam much. at times she felt like i had given up on her and like i wasn't there and she was a disappointment to me... if i could go back i'd make sure she knew just how much she meant. i'm not saying enable, but for your own sanity make sure she knows how much you DO love her, how much you CARE, and how much you DO want her to get better because the guilt you will feel when she is gone is overwhleming. it consumes me everyday and it's very hard for me to face that my mother didn't know exactly how much she meant to me and that she felt like a disappointment to me... regardless of her addiciton or her choices in life. i really hate that she felt that way. it makes it hard and i feel like i will never find peace.
good luck to you.
good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Awakeodin, I've been out of town and just saw this. I'm glad that you are feeling better and that your mom is stable.
I can only second what others have said. It's possible to love your mom and to detach from her insanity and take care of yourself. That's what you need to do right now, and I'm glad you think so too. If you feel the need to take a break from her for now, by all means do it. You have to make yourself a priority.
I can also recommend a therapist or counselor and al-anon. I do both, and it's done wonders for me. This forum has helped, too, but as others have pointed out we here can only do so much. That said, please let us know how you're doing. I'm saying a prayer for you and for your mother.
I can only second what others have said. It's possible to love your mom and to detach from her insanity and take care of yourself. That's what you need to do right now, and I'm glad you think so too. If you feel the need to take a break from her for now, by all means do it. You have to make yourself a priority.
I can also recommend a therapist or counselor and al-anon. I do both, and it's done wonders for me. This forum has helped, too, but as others have pointed out we here can only do so much. That said, please let us know how you're doing. I'm saying a prayer for you and for your mother.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: canada
Posts: 63
Hey!
Awakeodin: You're in Toronto and 19, right?
In October (16,17,18) there's going to be the great big alateen conference!!!!!
(in Markham)
You may not want to spend tons of time with younger teens, but conferences are nice 'cause it's like going to 3 meetings a day and hearing lots and lots of people share their stories. It's almost impossible to not identify with anything.
Usually by 19 people go to alanon (which is great since you hear from people just like you and feel less crazy) but you might still qualify for this conference.
Look it up:
Alateen Unity Conference 2009
Yeah, parents can suck sometimes
DM
Awakeodin: You're in Toronto and 19, right?
In October (16,17,18) there's going to be the great big alateen conference!!!!!
(in Markham)
You may not want to spend tons of time with younger teens, but conferences are nice 'cause it's like going to 3 meetings a day and hearing lots and lots of people share their stories. It's almost impossible to not identify with anything.
Usually by 19 people go to alanon (which is great since you hear from people just like you and feel less crazy) but you might still qualify for this conference.
Look it up:
Alateen Unity Conference 2009
Yeah, parents can suck sometimes
DM
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Man this thread just brought me to tears because I too have a mom that's a raging alcoholic and knows it but rationalizes and also says that AA won't work for her. Thank you for starting this thread OP and please keep us updated, I will be learning from you. And if you ever need or want to talk you can PM me, I'm 23 and.. it looks like we both have our work cut out for us
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