imallright

Today is my day to ask you wonderful people to pick me up. Cass2.... you about nailed it in terms of how I am feeling right about now. I feel like I can't figure out what is going to help me. I go to a good counselor and she thinks I am working hard and moving forward, I have a great doc who is attempting to help me stay focused on getting some exercise and eating better and who has helped me realize that I did need an anti-depressant. BUT... I still am struggling to get it together, stop crying and feel like I can survive this.

I am not with the addict in my life. After a bazillion years filled with me trying to fix everything, take care of everything, act like everything was ok... I finally said NO MORE! I just couldn't do it and finally saw that I needed to get out of the situation. That being said, almost a year after him moving out, I still feel like I am in the clutches of his problem. He is still active and doesn't think he has a problem. Never has thought it was a problem. He thinks that I just decided I didn't like him anymore. He actually still, just tonight told me that "he would have done anything for me... it was just that I decided that I didn't like him and he wasn't good enough."

How can he actually believe that crap?!?!?! He would not admit he had a drug problem that was causing havoc in our lives. He would not get help. He will not accept any responsibility for the pain he has caused all of us.

I know that I had a role in the pain my kids and are living with... but so did he. My daughter is so angry with me. She will not stay with me at all. I know that everyone keeps telling me that as she matures she will figure it out... in the meantime, it hurts so bad. Not only that, but since she will not accept any type of parenting from me, and her Dad refuses to do anything that might make her angry with him.... she is failing in school and getting into trouble. No matter what happens he just keeps saying that she is trying and that she needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them. He doesn't feel the need to place any type of restriction on her and says that "she should be able to live her life and that I want to keep her on a leash". She's 15. She shouldn't be raising herself for God's sake!

I am so sad. I feel like I can't get out of my own way most of the time. I want to live and be happy, I just don't know how. I know that addiction is not the answer, but it kills me that I have made the decision to get healthy and get some sanity and he is the one who is just living life, hanging with the kids and is on his happy little high. I might be the strong one, but where exactly is that getting me? I was unhappy living with and addict and I am still unhappy living on my own.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to get this out and I need support, big time. Thanks!

Suspicious

That is one of the things I am very scared of... that my youngest will not understand when I finally leave. In my situation, my youngest is quite a bit younger than your daughter and he still thinks his dad gets up every morning and hangs the sun. My older ones have already started questioning why Dad is acting so strange and they are old enough that when I tell them why they will understand... they have seen other people with opiate addiction so they will 'get it'.

Have you told your daughter the why? I know most separation situations might not be suitable or even healthy to put the child in the middle with 'what daddy or what mommy did wrong' but I am not so sure that when it comes to addiction and with older kids that holds true. If she has been told and refuses to believe it then I dont know. I guess that it isnt just the younger kids that can believe that their parent can do no wrong. I dont know which would be more frustrating... them being just too young to even be able to explain it or them being old enough but just not believing.

itisatruth

Sounds like you are taking some good, positive steps.....keep on taking them. Sometimes things just take time. I know that doesn't make you feel any better NOW but you really are on your way. It's just hard to see for ourselves sometimes.

You mentioned lots of good things you are doing. Do you have a support system? I'm not talking about doctors or counselors, I mean do you have people you can call up and go places with? Maybe a hobby? Distractions from the stress/worries are important - they can help you re-focus on you. I hope the best for you....and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Big hugs~~

cessy68

So sorry to hear your pain.

First, how can he believe that crap? Hmmmm, the question we all ask of our addicts who believe the own crap they dish out.... (on some level they actually believe themselves, which make it acceptable to them, to continue on their path)

I see you aknowledged that you had a role in this...(good)--- but dosen't it suck? Dosen't it stink that THEY don't see their role?

Its ok, (in my opinion) to be angry and hurt, its ok to be sad, take some time to process it all, grieve, get mad, sad, anything you want. (then try to take that energy and fuel yourself)

use that energy to say, "hey I'm going to rise above all this junk, and be better than I ever was.... I'm going to do this______ or that__________"

You fill in your own blanks, and decide what you would want for YOU!!!

I know its hard, and I'm not where I need to be, but i'm trying.

Keep on trying, and understand its simply ok to feel your grief.
Love,
Cess

greeteachday

You have taken one more positive step in your recovery by asking for what you need...support. Well here's lots more cyber hugs...I'm so sorry you are still in such pain.

Sometimes we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to remember something to be grateful for. Those steps add up and we realize how far we have gone. I know you feel like things are still so bad, but are there ways you can see that your journey today is better than it was a year ago?

I don't know much about separations and the legal aspects, but it sure sounds as if your daughter should not be with your husband. Is there any way to get some legal advice on that or get her some counseling? I'm not giving advice...just wondering if there are any viable options. I'm sure you have explored them all. What a very difficult situation and I certainly can understand your hurt. I'd feel the same way for sure.

Hugs...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope good things start happening soon.

bluejay6

For me, at my worst depths, the same thing that saves addicts is the same thing that kept me afloat.

I had to come to believe in a power greater than myself who was guiding each and every moment of my life and who had ordained that my days were exactly what they were supposed to be, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing....and when God decided it was time for things to change in my life, THEY WOULD CHANGE. And not a moment before.

This is the ESSENCE of the serenity of recovery, and without it we are miserable, afraid, pessimistic, and self-pitying because life has not placed on our table the menu we had in mind at the time we expected to be served.

So my deepest wish for you is that you will turn your eyes away from outer events and place all your focus for the next several months on the changes unfolding within you. It is time for soul work, when we find ourselves living lives of discontent and despair and disappointment.

My belief is that soul work saves the addict and is also the only thing that will save us.

And I don't mean bubble baths.

Good luck, sweetie. I hope you find your peace.

kwigers

ahh, all this chaos and yuck is a sure sign you are on the brink of major breakthrough! It is what happens- the s*&T hits the fan and then wam, a big thrust into the forth dimension! When your going through hell- just keep on going! There is a light, and if you can not see it, trust me, it is there and you will see it shortly!
What I have been learning is that it doesn't matter what "they" think of me, it really is all about what "I" think of me. The people in my life are mirrors for me, showing me where I still need to work on loving myself, on letting myself off the hook, on laughing more, on living more, and expanding my capacity to love more!
All that makes me miserable yesterday are those things that actually released me from my pain and misery today!
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl

imallright

"What I have been learning is that it doesn't matter what "they" think of me, it really is all about what "I" think of me."


There in lies the work for me. I think I have spent so much time in this "yuck" that I am not thinking good things about me. I am working or think I am to try to let myself understand that I didn't cause this horrible mess and that I am worth it. I did make the step to end living physically with the addiction... ok, one for me.... but the it is still impacting me in so many ways.

I find that I feel like things are just not happening... maybe they aren't supposed to... but I feel like I need to have more positive energy for me and to help me move forward and feel good.

Who ever said I might be on the brink of moving forward or something BIg... maybe right. I guess I am just so ready to let go... I think and so ready to be done with all this insanity. I just want some peace and to feel good about me. I am tired to being afraid, lonely, sad and angry.

Thank you all for helping me to hang on. My name on SR is "imallright"... I chose it because I spend so much time telling myself this just this in an effort to stay sane... now, I just need to believe this a bit more.

MyJoey

Everyone is giving you wonderful advice all I can say is you have to do things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself. I am one of those self destructive persons that when I am down it is hard for me to get back up, so I just have to pull on the boot straps and make myself get it together, by thinking positive, working out and doing whatever I can to feel better. It is hard to do, but I know you can. ((((Hugs)))) Julie

just for today

I know you are hurting and not to sound harsh but you are going to continue to hurt until you stop obsessing about him and what he is doing with his life and start to completely focus on you and your child/children.

Do this for your daughter if you need another reason other than you deserve better. She is a minor and 15 is a hard time for any child, but they need guidance and role models they can admire and relate to. I ask this not to be mean, only to hopefully help. Why are you allowing a active addict to have any say in her life? He screwed up his life, is not willing to admit it and now he is setting the example for her.

Being the Mother of a addict and making many mistakes such as allowing his addict father to be his role model, I am frightened for your daughter and so afraid without changes she will follow in his same path and I can assure you that is a heartache you do not want to have to face.

I apologize if I have overstepped as I do not know your full story and I wish only the best for all of you. :ghug3

cassandra2

imallright-I see where BOTH of us have the same problem. We still have to deal with our addicts. Atleast that is what my problem is. Your running around trying to deal with life and clean up messes and do all the things that "normal" people are doing on top of dealing with the fall out from addiction. THATS ALOT OF CRAP for a person!

For me, it feels like its getting harder and harder not easier. Especially when you look over at the addict and everything is just dandy.

I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could tell you do this and it will get better but I cant. I am still trying to figure it out myself. I just want to get to a point where I can be happy again. No matter what is going on.

I just wanted to let you know, as many others let me know, that your not alone. Keep posting. Keep going. That is all we can do. Keep going.

imallright

Thank Just....YOu didn't overstep... I asked for support and asked for others to reach out to me. Why am I allowing an active addict to be involved in my daughter's life... because I don't know how to make it stop. I've been to several lawyers and they all say the same thing... "it is unlikely that a court is going to tell a 15 year old what to do if she says she wants to be with her Dad." Also, if the court does say she must be with me, how do you force that to happen. This from the lawyers, not me.

I have worked with the school, a therapist.... you name it. My daughter is taking care of Dad and feels that is her job since I bailed on him. Those were her words. The guilt I feel is enormous. Only wish the addict felt a tenth of the pain I do.

When I told him no more, he was so pathetic and accepted no responsibility. I never wanted a battle. I was willing to to allow the kids to spend time with both of us and didn't want to fight. At that time, I was fairly certain that he had stopped using... and unfortunately, I deluded myself into thinking that maybe it would stay that way this time. I was concerned about the kids well being, but I never dreamed that it would go this way. Also, it wasn't until I got some distance from the situation and the addict that I saw how nuts my life had really become. I wish I had found SR years ago... but I guess it wasn't time.

So... I am hanging on... trying to be a good Mom... feeling like I have failed my kids and me and trying to fix myself. Life shouldn't be this hard.

greeteachday

You're doing absolutely the best you can. You are not a bad mother, just a mother in a bad situation. It is very clear that you have been trying to do whatever you can. Thanks for the information about the legal advice you have been given. I suspected as much but it still stinks....I'm sorry. But you are getting there, truly! Keep hanging on!

imallright

Thank you Greet. I keep telling myself something similar.... "I am a good mother in a bad situation, not a bad mother". Every day is a battle just to keep it together. When my daughter is mean and vile towards me.... it kills me and I hurt for her. When she is nice, it generally is that she is trying to "work" me for something. I am struggling with realizing that the kid is going through a tough mess and is under a great deal of pressure because of dear old Dad.

I want so badly to help her. However, I don't want to just do whatever she wants... regardless of her behavior... because I think it sends the wrong message. BUT... I think a big portion of why she is acting this way is for attention and because she is so angry with Dad. I know that kids need consistency and structure. I am trying to be loving and firm... with no support from her father.

Addiction is an awful thing... is he really this messed up because the addiction and the damage to him brain or thought process from the drugs.... or is he just a "not so great person." Are these two things one and the same. I swear I am so tired of thinking... I just want to live a happy "normal" life!!!!!

just for today

I do hope you understand that I was in no way saying you were not a good Mother. We all do the very best we can/could when there are children involved. It is hard enough to have to deal with the addict without having to deal with the fallout they cause with and for our children.

Do you have documentation of his drug use, since I don't know the whole story, has he been in rehab, has he lost jobs, has there been physical/mental abuse, how long has he been addicted, etc.. A lawyer may ???? feel a bit differently if they understood the gravity of the situation. I feel so bad for the children. They have learned from the masters how to manipulate us, but they are not quite mature enough to understand that they are being manipulated by the addict.

Blessings to you and your family.:praying