I regarded the alcohol as the "other woman"
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I regarded the alcohol as the "other woman"
Reading some of these threads, it's revealing to see that infidelity goes hand-in-hand with the woes of the alcoholism. Pretty common.
I always regarded the "other woman" as the bottle. The bottle was the main desire of my XAH, and I learned over the years that it was impossible to compete with on any level. Almost an invisible foe in so many ways but the effects it had on our relationship were very visible.
I never really believed my XAH had cheated on me with other women... regardless of his out and out lies about the drinking, this was a "no concern" area for me. Or so I thought.
About 6 months prior to me filing for divorce, my husband had an accident. He injured his leg badly and was unable to work for about 4 months. Pretty much helpless, and unable to stand, drive, or walk. So, he was off work for this time, and began to spend the day on the computer. He found one of the popular gaming sites (pogo) and there found a relationship with a woman who just happened to live in the same state. I found out about it quite by accident, when I viewed an email she'd sent to him. So, I put spyware on my computer and sat back and waited for the "results" to be revealed. And revealing it was! Day long conversations about everything in their lives, and of course lots of "sex talk". Initially, I was hurt, but then my hurt turned to anger, and then indifference. In a way, it was the frosting on the cake for me... I was waving the white flag on the drinking and this just topped it all off for me. I found myself wishing he'd run off with this woman. I didn't confront him, but rather I busied myself with the process of preparing to divorce. Saving money for my "leaving fund", gathering important papers and yes, also documenting all of the dirt of this online relationship in the event I needed it for my defense.
He'd go out of town and I'd wonder if they were meeting. Just "not knowing" the extent of the relationship was the hard part. Oddly enough, I found myself wanting to warn this woman - after I had read she had been in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic. Duhhhh.... common sense would tell me not to find someone online. She was jumping from the frying pan to the fire.
About two weeks after I'd filed for divorce, and he'd vacated our home, an email arrived from her... asking/pleading why she hadn't heard from him. It was rather desperate. Wierd as it was, I decided to write her back, and informed her that I was the "wife" and proceeded to warn her of the person she was seeking. Glad I did if anything ever becomes of that relationship, for she'll have my "I told you so" to recall.
As for my XAH, I look back now and figure he'd cheated many times... I just wasn't tuned in to that as I was so focused on the alcohol problem in our marriage.
All in all, it's an experience I do not care to repeat. Ever!
I always regarded the "other woman" as the bottle. The bottle was the main desire of my XAH, and I learned over the years that it was impossible to compete with on any level. Almost an invisible foe in so many ways but the effects it had on our relationship were very visible.
I never really believed my XAH had cheated on me with other women... regardless of his out and out lies about the drinking, this was a "no concern" area for me. Or so I thought.
About 6 months prior to me filing for divorce, my husband had an accident. He injured his leg badly and was unable to work for about 4 months. Pretty much helpless, and unable to stand, drive, or walk. So, he was off work for this time, and began to spend the day on the computer. He found one of the popular gaming sites (pogo) and there found a relationship with a woman who just happened to live in the same state. I found out about it quite by accident, when I viewed an email she'd sent to him. So, I put spyware on my computer and sat back and waited for the "results" to be revealed. And revealing it was! Day long conversations about everything in their lives, and of course lots of "sex talk". Initially, I was hurt, but then my hurt turned to anger, and then indifference. In a way, it was the frosting on the cake for me... I was waving the white flag on the drinking and this just topped it all off for me. I found myself wishing he'd run off with this woman. I didn't confront him, but rather I busied myself with the process of preparing to divorce. Saving money for my "leaving fund", gathering important papers and yes, also documenting all of the dirt of this online relationship in the event I needed it for my defense.
He'd go out of town and I'd wonder if they were meeting. Just "not knowing" the extent of the relationship was the hard part. Oddly enough, I found myself wanting to warn this woman - after I had read she had been in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic. Duhhhh.... common sense would tell me not to find someone online. She was jumping from the frying pan to the fire.
About two weeks after I'd filed for divorce, and he'd vacated our home, an email arrived from her... asking/pleading why she hadn't heard from him. It was rather desperate. Wierd as it was, I decided to write her back, and informed her that I was the "wife" and proceeded to warn her of the person she was seeking. Glad I did if anything ever becomes of that relationship, for she'll have my "I told you so" to recall.
As for my XAH, I look back now and figure he'd cheated many times... I just wasn't tuned in to that as I was so focused on the alcohol problem in our marriage.
All in all, it's an experience I do not care to repeat. Ever!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I think alcoholism and infidelity are totally separate issues. Sure, they can and do happen together but I doubt there is any causal relationship between the two. I think someone who cheats on their partner is just the type of person who cheats on their partner. Excusing it by saying its because of the alcholism is, well, excusing it. Lots of people cheat on their partners without being alcholics. Lots of alcholics never cheat on their partners.
I too was often tempted to let xAH's online girlfriends (all who came along after I left) the "truth" about the man. I never did and I'm glad I did not. It truly is none of my business. I gave up the control and rescue business when I left xAH.
I too was often tempted to let xAH's online girlfriends (all who came along after I left) the "truth" about the man. I never did and I'm glad I did not. It truly is none of my business. I gave up the control and rescue business when I left xAH.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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I (personally) think that the infidelity-and-alcoholism relationship is an impossible thing to pin down.
Some people are just, for one reason or another, predisposed to self-medicating by cheating (or by sex in general, or the thrill of the pursuit). They may spend an entire life in temptation. Excessive alcohol consumption - alcoholic or not - can lower inhibitions and blind a person to the consequences of giving in to that temptation.
I have also known alcoholics who would cut off their own hands before cheating, even when dead-drunk.
And I've known sober people of both stripes.
Infidelity used to be the issue that scared the living heck out of me. I really didn't think I could survive it if it happened.
So it has helped me a lot to learn more about the causes, signs, and symptoms of infidelity, and to understand all of the issues around it. But more useful has been for me to work on my own issues & boundaries around it. From that, I know I could never tolerate it again - no "second chances" etc. - but I also know that it would not devastate my self-image any more. Sad, yes. Ruin my life? No. Someone else's dishonorable choices are not a reflection on my worth as a person.
Sending you hugs, trying2survive. It's a difficult road you're on but I'm betting that you're on your way to something amazing.
Some people are just, for one reason or another, predisposed to self-medicating by cheating (or by sex in general, or the thrill of the pursuit). They may spend an entire life in temptation. Excessive alcohol consumption - alcoholic or not - can lower inhibitions and blind a person to the consequences of giving in to that temptation.
I have also known alcoholics who would cut off their own hands before cheating, even when dead-drunk.
And I've known sober people of both stripes.
Infidelity used to be the issue that scared the living heck out of me. I really didn't think I could survive it if it happened.
So it has helped me a lot to learn more about the causes, signs, and symptoms of infidelity, and to understand all of the issues around it. But more useful has been for me to work on my own issues & boundaries around it. From that, I know I could never tolerate it again - no "second chances" etc. - but I also know that it would not devastate my self-image any more. Sad, yes. Ruin my life? No. Someone else's dishonorable choices are not a reflection on my worth as a person.
Sending you hugs, trying2survive. It's a difficult road you're on but I'm betting that you're on your way to something amazing.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Givelove,
Thank you for that.
I have thought a lot about infidelity over the last several months. Surprise. The emotional turmoil from being with an A was bad and hurt my self esteem. The ending of our relationship due to cheating brought about a whole different depth of self worth and trust issues.
I have been watching Elizabeth Edwards on TV promoting her new book in which she details how she dealt with John Edwards' infidelity. After listening to her the past two mornings, I think she needs al anon or some spouses of cheaters support group.
Thank you for that.
I have thought a lot about infidelity over the last several months. Surprise. The emotional turmoil from being with an A was bad and hurt my self esteem. The ending of our relationship due to cheating brought about a whole different depth of self worth and trust issues.
I have been watching Elizabeth Edwards on TV promoting her new book in which she details how she dealt with John Edwards' infidelity. After listening to her the past two mornings, I think she needs al anon or some spouses of cheaters support group.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
I don't know if I am allowed to post this, but there is a website - survivinginfidelity that is very active and supportive.
I am sorry you are going through this. Been there, too.
I am sorry you are going through this. Been there, too.
Last edited by gns; 05-12-2009 at 06:40 PM.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Granted, I have cheated before. Twice. Not married though, but still dishonorable.
I do not agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I have reflected on my wrongs and acknowledged I have caused pain in others. And I will no longer cheat, ever in my life. If I want to have sex with different people, I will look for people that are looking for the same.
Now I do not get why, if you want to sleep around - why hurt a formal partner? no one is forcing you to have a commitment with anyone, so why do not just terminate a relationship and then go sleep with all the neighborhood if you wish? eventhough I did it I do not know the answer. I just know I was troubled, depressed, selfish and basically an idiot. Also, I harmed others, yes, but the only one that I really hurt was myself.
I wish I had wise words, but honestly, day by day I grow less tolerant of people that do not have my same priorities. Life is too short to be losing time with people that have not learned from their mistakes, are still acting on Survival mode (eat, drink, have sex, repeat) and are 15 years old emotionally speaking. And I have known 15-year-old guys that sound more reasonable than many others I know that double their age!
Cheaters, liers, cowards looking for something outside because they are afraid of taking a look inside and see reality, are out. No one healthy would stay around them!
I do not agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I have reflected on my wrongs and acknowledged I have caused pain in others. And I will no longer cheat, ever in my life. If I want to have sex with different people, I will look for people that are looking for the same.
Now I do not get why, if you want to sleep around - why hurt a formal partner? no one is forcing you to have a commitment with anyone, so why do not just terminate a relationship and then go sleep with all the neighborhood if you wish? eventhough I did it I do not know the answer. I just know I was troubled, depressed, selfish and basically an idiot. Also, I harmed others, yes, but the only one that I really hurt was myself.
I wish I had wise words, but honestly, day by day I grow less tolerant of people that do not have my same priorities. Life is too short to be losing time with people that have not learned from their mistakes, are still acting on Survival mode (eat, drink, have sex, repeat) and are 15 years old emotionally speaking. And I have known 15-year-old guys that sound more reasonable than many others I know that double their age!
Cheaters, liers, cowards looking for something outside because they are afraid of taking a look inside and see reality, are out. No one healthy would stay around them!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Taking charge,
I agree. If someone wants to sleep with others, then end the relationship prior to doing that. I have never cheated on a boyfriend, but I have been cowardly about breaking up and purposely tried to drive them away (this was my way of breaking up when I was in my teens).
About cheating, I don't pretend to understand the mindset, but do think that when someone cheats on a "formal partner" then there is an underlying lissue within them at that time. Whatever it is, I do not pretend to know, but I think that something else is present within them. Causal relationships are a different ball of wax, but "formal/monogamous" ones require a level of commtment, honesty and trust.
Miss
I agree. If someone wants to sleep with others, then end the relationship prior to doing that. I have never cheated on a boyfriend, but I have been cowardly about breaking up and purposely tried to drive them away (this was my way of breaking up when I was in my teens).
About cheating, I don't pretend to understand the mindset, but do think that when someone cheats on a "formal partner" then there is an underlying lissue within them at that time. Whatever it is, I do not pretend to know, but I think that something else is present within them. Causal relationships are a different ball of wax, but "formal/monogamous" ones require a level of commtment, honesty and trust.
Miss
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In the case of my XAH, I believe he cheated because of his low self-esteem, and because he knew he'd lost any credibility with me, and my trust. I think it was his way to bolster his neediness, aside from the physical needs he had as well. (our personal relationship had all but deteriorated, I found it difficult to find him desirable when I couldn't trust him - the alcoholism and the denial had all but ruined our relationship). I also believe it was a way for him to have a second identity, or a second life — when looking in the mirror became difficult for him. Or maybe it was part of the denial. Or maybe he just was a cheating type of person. God only knows!
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