TTOSBT

Hi all.
I wanted to get your (all you in F&F) advice on this.
I am a recovering alcoholic and have a year sober.
My husband is not an alcoholic and did not seem to be real codependent when I was drinking.

I have spent the last year VERY involved in AA. I have a sponsor I talk to almost daily, I have worked the steps and I am very involved in service work.
He has been supportive of my recovery but not real involved, if that makes sense.

When I first got sober (in my first 90 days) he attended Alanon twice. He decided it was not for him as he already did all the things they were telling him to do and not do??
So, as I have been taught by my sponsor, I have stayed out of that. His recovery is his recovery and mine is mine.
A couple of weeks ago, I made my amends to him. He was very receptive and forgiving.

Now...last night I took my cake at my home group. Several months ago I had asked him and my son if they would attend this meeting to see me get my cake. I also wanted them to meet my peeps and get a taste of what the meetings are like and maybe why I love them so much. So, as the date grew closer I reminded them ,etc.

My son (17) woke up Saturday congratulating me on my 1 year. Hubby did not say anything, no biggie. So yesterday after he got home from work and I was talking about dropping my daughter at a friends while we go to the meeting. He says oh, is that tonight and looks annoyed. So, long story short I was very hurt. I told him he did not have to go and honestly did not want him there if it was not a big deal to him. Anyway......called my sponsor, recognized how my expectations are causing my reaction, apologized for my part and he went.
Sorry for rambling...I am going to get to the point

My question is this....
I want to include him as this is such a HUGE part of my life now and I do not want us to grow apart.
But he does not seem to want anything to do with my recovery. Most of the time I am okay with that because I have a great sponsor and a very strong support group in AA to share this with. But of course he is my love and best friend. I would like to share this part of my life with him.

What should I do???
Do I just keep doing what I am doing and let him do what he wants to do?
Do I try to encourage him to be a part? If so, how?
Do I talk to him about it?
ANY feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I guess I do not understand where he is coming from.
He says that he holds no resentments, that he forgives me, has worked through it, etc. But I still feel like he just doesn't realize that he is in denial about his resentments, etc.
Should I just shut up and stop talking about it?????

I would love for him to get the healing that I got from working the steps!
Is there a chance his life will become unmanageable??

Thanks in advance for your opinions!

Tally

Does he show any signs of resenting anything?

TTOSBT

He is not real easy to read. He does not say so...
I have my suspicions but they are my suspicions and I think his resentments come out subconsciously. I would be more forthcoming in the women's section about this, but feel a little strange saying more here.....

Freedom1990

I first went through rehab in 1986. My parents came for one family session, and that was it. They looked so uncomfortable, I thought they were going to come out of their skin.

They came to my 1 year anniversary celebration, and that was the last time they attended one of my anniversaries.

It's now 22+ years later. My mother does send me a card every year on my anniversary.

They have no desire to attend Alanon. They are who they are, and I've come to accept that.

You're the only one who knows what you can/can't live with. Unfortunately some couples do grow apart when the alcoholic gets sober.

All you can do is focus on your recovery and be the best that you can.

:ghug :ghug

GiveLove

It is always difficult when one member of a marriage is passionate about something, and the other simply isn't.

I am a writer. I love to write, I've been published, I do good things with my writing, I like talking about the craft, and reading great books, and hanging out with literary types. It is a HUGE part of my life and a huge part of who I am, and why I think I'm here.

My husband really doesn't give a hoot about any of this. Well, not literally. But he doesn't get visibly excited about it. He doesn't "get" what I write about often. He wants me to be happy, he is glad I've found something that gets me so enthusiastic about life, he supports me in his quiet way, and that's it.

We just have different passions. That doesn't mean we should grow apart. No, it just means that we need to communicate about our expectations.

Here's a story I'll try to compress for you. I recently won some awards for a couple of things I'd written - the first time I'd ever won anything for writing. Normally, like your husband, mine would say "That's so nice. I'm really glad for you...you must have worked hard..." and things like that. And that made me feel, I don't know, bad. Separate. Like you.

But at the suggestion of a dear soul here on SR, I sat down with him and said, "I know you don't see this like I do, and I know that your way is just to quietly cheer me on, but in this case I need you to make a fuss over me. This was hard work, big stress, and I need to celebrate, and I want to celebrate with YOU. I don't ask much from this marriage, but I'm asking something now: can you make a big deal out of this for me?"

It was really hard to ask for what I wanted.

But, as it turned out, he was grateful that I made my feelings clear to him, and was specific about what I wanted. Some people just really need it spelled out for them - it's not a lack of love, just a lack of intuition about what's important and what's the right thing to do.

Do you feel your husband is broken and needs fixing? What is it he'll gain from Al-Anon? What is the issue you're hoping Al-Anon will solve? Is he unhappy? Al-Anon is not for everyone, and I'm curious why you feel so strongly that he should get involved in something that he's clearly not interested in.

Have you ever thought about doing a little couples counseling together to get at these issues? Clearing the air between you can bring so much more joy to a relationship

Good luck with everything and congrats on your continued sobriety!!!!

Rad44

I can relate to your story but don't have a good answer for you. I was sober for two years and my wife of 25 years basically ignored anything I was doing that had to do with my recovery. She was not an enabler during the time I would drink and would blast me at every opportunity but seemed completely indifferent when I stopped drinking. No encouragement, acknowledgement, or recognition whatsoever. It eventually contributed to a (disastrous) relapse. I am now structuring my recovery to run completely independent of her.

TTOSBT

Wow Give Love. Thank you SO much!!!!
First of all, you helped me to see that it is okay to have different interests.
After all I do NOT get the thrill out of his car restoration that he does. Or the thrill when he finds a part he has been searching for.
I feel better when you put it like that. That people do not have to grow apart because they have separate interests, no matter what they are.
To answers your questions....
Yes I have thought about couples counseling and he has agreed to go if I want him to. I just have not gotten around to making an appointment. My bad.
My husband grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic abusive home. He has remaining resentments. I just think he could benefit from talking about and working through some of that stuff.
He did go to a couple of therapy sessions last year but he was not that hot on those either. I don't think he believes in therapy that much...
I loved your story GL about asking for what you want.
I did straighten up and do a little of that.
I told him it was like him graduation from college and me forgetting the date. It is a BIG deal to me. To be honest, I think he likes to think of me as not that bad of an alcoholic.
But he did show and he brought me a plant and balloons. Okay, now I feel like an idiot for complaining. I just want to be the best wife I can be and for us to stay together.
I think I get a little paranoid and scared.
Ugh, I still have a lot of work to do on ME!

TTOSBT

I can relate to this. But I do run my own recovery program that he is not a part of and I have given a lot of thought to what would make me drink again. I can't think of a thing. I did not get sober for my family and they can't keep me sober. But occassionally (like last night) I want EVERYTHING, including his undying acknowledgement and appreciation for my sobriety. Damm! How self centered am I!

Rad44

I find I do much better when I do not seek happiness. Happiness can find me when it drifts in by itself. I tend to focus on avoiding (Alcohol induced) misery at all costs as my number one priority. That is a goal that I have much more control over.

Freedom1990

I've had moments like that too, and then thought what ungrateful people!

I do want to congratulate you on your one year. I know how difficult that first year is, and can appreciate all the work you have done! :ghug

TTOSBT

Thanks Freedom :ghug
Everyone keeps telling me that the second year is the hardest

Freedom1990

Just keep taking it a day at a time. My sponsor told me that it tends to cycle in recovery-first year is primarily physical healing, second year is emotional, third year is spiritual, and then it repeats. That's often been the case for me.

GiveLove

Hey TTOSBT,

I sometimes think my marriage is strange because we have so many divergent passions. He's wild about skiing. I haven't the slightest interest. He plays guitar, buys guitar books, buys guitars, takes guitar lessons...I can't even play the triangle

I think what matters the most is that we really respect and appreciate each other's hard work in the world. I can look at him across a crowded room and think, "I really respect and like that man with everything I've got."

I used to think we had to be bound at the hip - I mean, that's what all those happy couples in movies and TV are like, right? All the same interests, wear matching shirts, blah blah blah? LOL

Your husband is on his journey, and you are on yours. All you can do is be there for each other and try to keep communication as crystal clear as you can, so that you both know you can fall back on each other. If & when he's ready to face his past, he will know he has your full support.

A mentor of mine has a motto: Ask for what you need, and offer what you can. I am trying to practice this!

Hang in there!!

TakingCharge999

Hi TTOSBT

Congrats on your commitment to a heathy life!! The majority of us would like to see our own loved ones showing the courage and enthusiasm you have shown us in your thread!

When I seeked recognition from others about difficult stuff that I have gone through, or great spiritual breakthroughs that went unnoticed and unacknowledged, I got very frustrated.

It was just after I started recognizing MYSELF that I no longer felt the need for outside validation, and coincidentally, that is when others started congratulating me and saying all I wanted them to say, such as "it was tough what you went through" "look how far you've come" etc. etc.

Perhaps you can validate your own efforts the way you expect him to do it? Schedule reunions with your friends, buy gifts for yourself, write yourself letters of how proud you are LOL... lately I am buying myself flowers and decorating my cubicle and home with flowers, plants and beautiful inspirational pictures, all those "little things" are always reminders of how much beauty I can create for myself and how much I deserve from life and the people I choose to be close to me.

If your husband has not struggled with addictions it is difficult he will understand how difficult it has been for you, however it is not as if he does not want to support you, just that his ways of supporting you are different. I agree that asking for what you need is vital we think everyone is as intuitive as us!

It seems everything is going well for you and I am glad for you!!

saved

Praying for you right now.

Keep going to meetings. "Lack of support from hubbie" is nothing one way or the other, in my opinion. What if hubbie was super supportive and then, he wasn't? Crushed?

Go to the meetings every week.

This business about the second year is the roughest? Gee. One day at a time. Not one year at a time. Please take it one day at a time. OK? My uncle has over a decade recovering. He goes to the meetings every week and takes it one day at a time.

By the way, I am the ex-husband of an alcoholic. Full time dad of two children I am. Their mom abandoned the family over 5 years ago when the children were 8 and 6. I am not really supportive in that I do not know if she is lying to us or not. Lips move. Truth or lie? I never know and assume it's a lie.

The lies really kill communications and emotional investment. If she told me a truck was going to run me over, I would say "Oh, that's nice." If she told me she was sober 17 months. "Oh that's nice." (She says she is sober, but I do not know that to be true.)

I got over caring. I hope she stays sober forever and spends eternity with the LORD. But, I do not invest much one way or the other.

One day at a time. Do not rely on hubbie support. Meetings every week.

Maybe this will help. Maybe not. Either way, that's OK.

Ago

What a great thread, with great and wise replies, I got a lot out of it.

I thought Givelove especially nailed it for me.

It's my experience that true sobriety is incredibly lonely at times. It's a journey we take with others if we attend meetings etc, but the truth of the matter is for me, sometimes it's an intensely "alone" experience. Not all of it, but some of the truly important bits.

I have dated "normies" as well as sober alcoholics. The first thing we learn dating another sober alcoholic is to stay out of each others program. This is critical to a successful relationship. It doesn't mean we don't celebrate milestones, and even attend some meetings together, but the fastest way to a short relationship with a sober alcoholic is to get involved in their program in my experience. That doesn't mean not interact as far as the relationship is involved, and set boundaries, communicate etc. but there are areas even in shared experiences and paths that must remain separate in order to insure mental health.

My father and I have deeply philosophical conversations about spirituality. He has always maintained that anything truly important can't be shared. That even sharing it diminishes it on a very deep level.

My opinion and experience was different from his when we had this conversation 15 years ago, as I was attending meetings and growing with a close group of people. I am still close with this group of people, and what we have gone through together in the past few decades has been incredible.

But there are parts of my growth I can't "share". My father was right in some ways. I got the first true glimmers of this when a sponsor I had made me do the "do something nice for someone every day for thirty days and if anyone finds out about it it doesn't count".

That exercise changed who I was on a cellular level. It was disturbing and painful how much I learned and changed. How much of what I did was for others, even when I didn't realize it. My yearning for "outside" acceptance and validation. How much of that impacted who I was. How much that actually defined who I was, and I had no idea.

I have sponsored many men, and many of them go through deeply lonely "shifts" in their second/third/fourth year. "Shifts" and changes occur that quite frankly you can't share about in any meaningful way until well after the fact. That's my experience and observation with my sponsees and myself, anyway. I could try, but shifts were occurring I couldn't even begin to explain, and quite frankly to try, diminished them actually.

The second year wasn't "harder" in my experience, but it was certainly different. In my opinion, the shift you are going through now is just part of that. Their are just as many changes in the second year, as there are in the first, they just look different and occur "on your inside" as opposed to all those "outside changes" that occur in the first year.

Like Freedom mentioned, first year is physical, second year is emotional, so it's a great deal more subtle, but no less profound.

So anyhow, for me, some of my emotional changes occurred in the same zone as the changes brought about by the "thirty day something nice" exercise. I couldn't share the journey, but I could share the results of that journey.

So for me, I can't "share" all of my sobriety journey with my "normie" Significant other, but I can share the benefits I have received from sobriety with her. This doesn't mean I don't share things I have learned, because we are "journeying" together, but there are parts I can't share because they are mine. They just wouldn't mean anything to her.

Anyhow, so sometimes it gets extremely lonely for me, because it's a journey I am on, not her, nor anyone else, not anyone else is exactly where I am, but it's part of growth. It's even part of growth to have to do it alone. Like, that's the point, is it is alone, something you can't share with another, that's the growth part. I'm not talking about isolating, or "stinking thinking" but the exact opposite, deeply moving "shifts' that occur on a cellular level.

"Shifts" that you have to go through alone, except for your HP should you have a conscious contact with HP. It's super hard to explain, but I hope this makes sense.

Thank you again for this thread and the replies.

TTOSBT

Wow Ago.
For some reason your post REALLY spoke to me, I am in tears. Thank you very much, that is beautiful and thought provoking.
I love the idea of the 30 days project. I bet I could grow a tremendous amount from that!
Really really interesting food for thought.

and saved, thank you. I do understand what you are saying. And I do know that all I have is today.

But I have shown myself that I can get though every day of the year sober. So now it feels like it is time to really get to work on my insides. To REALLY start applying the 12 steps in my life.

I can not thank all who took the time to respond to this thread, enough. :ghug
After all, I am an alcoholic and often times my thinking is a little skewed, lol.

In a Tailspin

I want to try to answer this as I try to put myself in your husband's shoes. There's a chance he's just not codie and truly sees this as "your" thing and doesn't feel the need to be involved in "your" thing. Could also be that he never "got" that your drinking was that big of an issue, so maybe you being sober also isn't that big of an issue to him. Or, could it be that he is afraid to get his hopes up that this sobriety "thing" you're currently "in to" could just be a fad that will pass? Maybe he's afraid if he gets his hopes up, he won't be able to handle the hurt and disappointment if you start drinking again. Lastly, maybe he was hurt enough while you were drinking that he distanced himself from you in order to protect himself emotionally, and now doesn't know how to get close to you again?

I have no idea if it's one of the reasons above, or something completely different. I just know these were the thoughts that I, a codie and former GF of an addict, had as I read your post.

But I can also say this to you and mean it whole-heartedly:

CONGRATULATIONS ON ONE YEAR!!! 9

Bernadette

I know when I describe in words the situation in my family it tells the story but it is very hard to capture, in words, the "dynamic" that exists between family members in an alcoholic or recovered alcoholic family. Tone of voice, intention, past history, expectation all play a role and create the dynamics in relationships.

You've gotten some great advice here, I guess I would just add, from my experience, that when the alcoholic is active a lot of chaos, drama, energy and focus surrounds the unpredictable behavior of the alcoholic.

Then, depending on the alcoholic in question, when the alcoholic gets sober, even an actively AA inspired recovery, there is now drama and energy and focus all about the alcoholic's struggles, guilt, aftermath, and recovery. So sometimes the dynamic feels the same - like "it's all about you!"

Because I am a person with no addiction problems, does not mean that I do not suffer, deeply, from all the slings and arrows of life. I have always faced them head on and sober, unmedicated. So maybe I am not available to throw a party when an alcoholic gets sober and is basically dealing with life on life's terms just like I have been trying to do all my life....

Don't get me wrong, I am really really really happy when people choose sobriety and recovery over addiction! I genuinely am. I am happy for them and I am happy for their loved ones. But it's definitely a feeling I've occasionally had having lived with and loved many alcoholics/addicts in my life....it just depends on the dynamic with that particular person and their attitude...

In a sense I celebrated my father's sobriety/recovery every day because he was a changed man, he was available, he was growing as a human being and sharing himself with us, not his "recovery" or his AA meetings or anything - he was just engaged in life and giving of himself, just "being here now." And I was so very grateful for that.

TTOSBT you sound like you are doing great! Congrats on your year of sobriety and recovery!

peace,
b