boocatgirl

Recovery, reschmovery... my DABD (depressed, alcoholic baby daddy) is in a rehab facility and my head says this is good, this is really good, he made a smart choice for a change, he is trying to get healthy...

And my heart is yelling--- this freaking TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently he has a dual-disorder of depression and alcoholism and they are treating both -- I guess... apparently, we, the family, are not included in ... well... anything. After all I've been through... I feel like the door has been shut in my face.

I feel totally selfish because I am so freaking pissed at him for not being healthy in the first place. I am angry with him for leaving me to deal with everything while he is off trying to manage his life. I am angry with him for having to leave me... even though I know this is the right thing...

It must be horrible to be him right now... and I know he feels worthless, so I have to bolster him up... everything is grand... no worries here, but the truth is, it isn't.

I think -- I can be giving and help him because many addicts don't even make the effort... but I am having a hard time with this... not knowing what's going on or what to expect.

Anyone else out there with a someone they love in rehab (in patient...4-8 months)? Are you willing to share with me your experience, and what worked for you as far as coping with any feelings, while providing positive support?

Thank you all for allowing me to come here and let these feelings out. situations are never as straight forward as they appear in black and white. Guess I'll just keep working towards my compassion badge

Best,

BooCat

Barbara52

You have every right to feel anger, fear, disappointment and anything else you are feeling. And no, you certainly do not need to deny those feelings or bury them away. That will only harm you.

Take this as an opportunity to seek help for yourself. Consider therapy or AlAnon. Read everything you can. And keep coming in here. There are others who have or or where you are. I've never dealt with the whole rehab thing since my now xAH wouldn't even admit to his alcoholism.

Freedom1990

There's no rule that says you have to be supportive at this time. You don't have to 'bolster him up'. You have a right to have the feelings you have.

He's in a safe place where, if he chooses, he's going to learn a new way to live and cope with life.

I'd suggest taking care of yourself and start the healing process for you. Barbara has already given you good suggestions.

We're of little use to anyone else if we aren't taking care of ourselves.

:ghug :ghug

cmc

In addition to this great reply I'll add that the best advice I ever got about a loved one in recovery was to stay out of it- and allow that person to decide if they want to do the work necessary. The director of the second place my son stayed at shared this with me. I am forever grateful for his shared wisdom.

Once I let my son know that I was choosing to allow him to lead his own life, the rest was all up to him.


Trying to help, 'build up' or otherwise be involved with the other person's recovery plans was more than frustrating for me and it did the exact opposite of what I ever intended it to do for the addict.

boocatgirl

Thanks everyone. I was having a bad day -- I appreciate having a safe place to come to. I have called alanon, but never made it to a meeting. I've always been such a private person, it is difficult to get myself there, but somewhere inside, I recognize that I if I plan to continue this relationship, I should at least try.

Please be good to yourselves and thanks for all the kind support

-- BCG

member31986

boocatgirl, when I read your post, it brought back memories of exactly how I felt when AH went into rehab 18 years ago. At that time, not knowing much about the disease, I assumed he would come out cured and that would be the end of it. I was relieved he was there but as you said, what a mess that this causes in one's life. No one bargained for it.

Unfortunately, my AH still drinks and now I see the true physical ramifications of this disease and what it has done to him. It is truly sad. I will be married 24 years and have 2 teenagers. Its funny but when I first went to al anon back then, I was amazed at all the old women there nd remember thinking, who would be married to an alkie and stay married nonethe less? Well, sorry to say but now I have taken on that role.

My AH has had good and bad thoughout and is basically a good man, not violent, held a job for most of our marriage (recently laid off Nov 08) but has started his own business.

He right now is trying to stop drinking on his own, which I know is not the way to go about it. So, he stays in bed most of the day sleeping. Yes, I am still angry with all of the frustrations, let downs, how could you do this to me feelings but on the other hand, I know I will come out a stonger, hopefully wiser person who has endured, regardless of what happens- this is where my faith come in -grateful for it. Life is never easy for any of us but for me, I find comfort in knowing my God is always there right beside me.

Good luck with things. This is truly a great place to come, vent, cry, whatever. it has helped me alot.

Needsomechge

My best friend/ boyfriend is currently in a 10 month drug rehab program (2 months into it). I am in the SAME boat you are in, and looking for the same kind of answers you are. All I can say, is I know what you are feeling-- all of those thought feelings constantly are running through my head. I feel very very lost, and starting to realize there really are not answers to all my questions and concerns.

He went to rehab, this is what I have wanted for so long, so why do I NOW find myself mad and taken advantage of more than ever. So much of **** 'life' fell onto my lap when he entered rehab, at the beginning I was just going through the motions dealing with it, and now I am thinking I am crazy for thinking that just because he is in rehab I should help keep things from causing him to fall into a deeper hole than he was before he went into rehab. For instance, his monthly credit card bills, should I pay them? (the minimimum payment) or let them just go unpaid so his credit gets destroyed? I know if he was still actively using, the answer would be NO, and I can see why, because that would just be helping him avoid hitting bottom. However, he hit his bottom, and now is trying to pull his life together, so if I have the means to cover his monthly charge, should I?!? Or is that still enabling?!? You know the saying, "Don't kick a man while he is down" I struggle with this everyday, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be the dreaded enabler, but I don't want to abandon him now that he is finally getting help and trying to change his life around.

I always promised him I would help him, but only if he decided to seek treatment-- now I wonder just what "help" is suppose to mean?!? I am sorry I am only piggy backing on your issues, and not providing much good advice, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in the way you are feeling.

I have just been 'forcing' myself to take everyones advice on this forum and take my focus off of him, and put it on me. The amount of raw emotions I have is a pretty clear indication that I have a lot of changes I need to make about myself, and have basically my own recovery I need to do. I have been going to Nar-Anon meetings, which have really helped, I am a bit younger than most the woman there, but I still feel like I connect. It is the only place I feel comfortable talking about the insanity of it all, and I think we all need to talk about it. Holding it in seems to just make me more and more withdrawn and depressed.

Take Care of yourself, and I wish you the best, just remember you need to be true to yourself and the only person you can change is yourself, not him

FindingPeace1

Wow. Boocat and needsome - you are both GOING THROUGH IT!
:ghug3
I never thought about those types of issues!
I know there are some very experienced posters that have seen it all that will come along shortly to give some good words of wisdom.

I do know the more you can connect with others, allow your feelings and keep holding on to yourselves (doing your own work) the better off you'll be.

You'll both be in my thoughts.

w