Major Changes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Major Changes
Maybe I should be putting this is a different subforum but I wanted to ask about major changes or major decisions in the first year or right after the first year.
I am coming up on month eight. Right now I find myself contemplating making a few pretty big changes. I think I want to move states. While I am happy here, I think I would be much more happy somewhere else. I also am thinking about grad school for social work. Before I had no direction and while I don't feel like I have complete direction now, at least I feel like putting one foot in front of another and moving. I know the "rule" about no major changes the first year. I agree with that. These changes would probably not take place for five or six months— not even because I would be trying to adhere to the rule but just because of circumstance. But I was wondering from more seasoned sober people what kind of changes ended up happening because of you getting sober? Career changes? Living situations? In general were they positive?
Getting sober has changed so much in me emotionally and spiritually and even physically that it seems inevitable that major external changes will happen. I just don't want to jump to soon.
I am coming up on month eight. Right now I find myself contemplating making a few pretty big changes. I think I want to move states. While I am happy here, I think I would be much more happy somewhere else. I also am thinking about grad school for social work. Before I had no direction and while I don't feel like I have complete direction now, at least I feel like putting one foot in front of another and moving. I know the "rule" about no major changes the first year. I agree with that. These changes would probably not take place for five or six months— not even because I would be trying to adhere to the rule but just because of circumstance. But I was wondering from more seasoned sober people what kind of changes ended up happening because of you getting sober? Career changes? Living situations? In general were they positive?
Getting sober has changed so much in me emotionally and spiritually and even physically that it seems inevitable that major external changes will happen. I just don't want to jump to soon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
i guess it depends on the individual...
Me.....i felt so motivated and alive.....within 6 months or there abouts.
I moved twice.........started college to re-train.....got involved in some voluntary work...you name it i was up for it...
Looking back i see some snap decision mistakes.....i trained as a therapist for a year.....and thought this is just not me...
A few other little decisions that turned out to be ill thought out.....but
i had no regrets.......i tried some pretty major decision and a few didn't work out.........no big deal.
the important thing was my priority's concerning meetings..step work and contact with a sponsor didn't change.
my main focus remained on my early sobriety.
it just felt like......here is my new life........and i wanted to try every thing..lol.
Lots of other things come along over time.........buying a house......getting married..........training to do something id wanted to do since i was a kid.
life stuff!!.........but all the while my priority stay the same
great post....its great to hear all that positive stuff.
Me.....i felt so motivated and alive.....within 6 months or there abouts.
I moved twice.........started college to re-train.....got involved in some voluntary work...you name it i was up for it...
Looking back i see some snap decision mistakes.....i trained as a therapist for a year.....and thought this is just not me...
A few other little decisions that turned out to be ill thought out.....but
i had no regrets.......i tried some pretty major decision and a few didn't work out.........no big deal.
the important thing was my priority's concerning meetings..step work and contact with a sponsor didn't change.
my main focus remained on my early sobriety.
it just felt like......here is my new life........and i wanted to try every thing..lol.
Lots of other things come along over time.........buying a house......getting married..........training to do something id wanted to do since i was a kid.
life stuff!!.........but all the while my priority stay the same
great post....its great to hear all that positive stuff.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
As far as I know....this is an AA suggestion.
The concept of no major changes is so a person can
concentrate on their recovery from alcohol
without extra distractions.
I did make several big changes quickly to protect
my fragile sobriety. I quit working and hanging out
in bars ...I ditched my alcoholic lover....I told friends
I was attending AA....my apartment was now a no
alcohol zone....I declined all invitations to "party"
I re connected to God.
I formed new friendships with AA members.
I began working the AA program...Steps specifically
I decided to not date for a year.
I started a healthy eating plan.
All this was in my first 2 months of my current sobriety.
So......I did not follow the suggestion at all....
Since those early months...
I have continued to move forward.
Change keeps me growning.....
As far as I know....this is an AA suggestion.
The concept of no major changes is so a person can
concentrate on their recovery from alcohol
without extra distractions.
I did make several big changes quickly to protect
my fragile sobriety. I quit working and hanging out
in bars ...I ditched my alcoholic lover....I told friends
I was attending AA....my apartment was now a no
alcohol zone....I declined all invitations to "party"
I re connected to God.
I formed new friendships with AA members.
I began working the AA program...Steps specifically
I decided to not date for a year.
I started a healthy eating plan.
All this was in my first 2 months of my current sobriety.
So......I did not follow the suggestion at all....
Since those early months...
I have continued to move forward.
Change keeps me growning.....
Last edited by CarolD; 05-12-2009 at 03:28 AM.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Well I made one major change very early in sobriety, but it was not by choice, the company I had worked for over 25 years lost the contract I was working on right before I went into detox...... long story short I took a job with the company that won the contract my old company had lost. In reality the only real change was the color of my pay check.
I feel change needs to be looked at very carefully in early sobriety, one needs to take of the rose colored glasses of new found sobriety and put on a pair of reality glasses and ask them selfs as honestly as possible "Is what I am about to do going to jeapordize my sobriety if it does not work out?". If it is really a major change then talking it over with a sponsor and other friends with good solid sobriety is a good idea, they may have experience in what one is thinking about doing or bring up some pitfalls that we do not see.
Some times major changes are needed to protect our sobriety, other times if our sobriety is solid enough to handle change and it is well thought out with sobriety being the number one factor in the decision it can be a good thing.
I guess I need to quit rambling and say major changes usually but not always are not a good idea unless they enhance our sobriety and do not become a higher priority then our sobriety.
I feel change needs to be looked at very carefully in early sobriety, one needs to take of the rose colored glasses of new found sobriety and put on a pair of reality glasses and ask them selfs as honestly as possible "Is what I am about to do going to jeapordize my sobriety if it does not work out?". If it is really a major change then talking it over with a sponsor and other friends with good solid sobriety is a good idea, they may have experience in what one is thinking about doing or bring up some pitfalls that we do not see.
Some times major changes are needed to protect our sobriety, other times if our sobriety is solid enough to handle change and it is well thought out with sobriety being the number one factor in the decision it can be a good thing.
I guess I need to quit rambling and say major changes usually but not always are not a good idea unless they enhance our sobriety and do not become a higher priority then our sobriety.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Congratulations on month EIGHT Sfgirl!!
I was aware of the suggestion not to make any major changes within the first year. I thought that sounded like a perfectly lovely ideal, but I didn't have that luxury as I saw it. I had everything possible thrown at me insofar as "major change" within the first year. Work, living arrangements, financial, family. I had no choice, but staying sober was my first priority, so no matter what I had to deal with, I managed to stay sober ( I wonder sometimes, looking back how I came out the other end.)
That said, your changes seem to be positive ones. Nothing is perfect and even positive change can be stressful, but I say go for it. Be mindful of every step your taking, keep a compass on yourself so that you can slow down if you need to. It's not a race, but I believe in always moving forward. You know how much you can handle (based on what I have read in your postings, MO) Good luck with everything Sfgirl!
I was aware of the suggestion not to make any major changes within the first year. I thought that sounded like a perfectly lovely ideal, but I didn't have that luxury as I saw it. I had everything possible thrown at me insofar as "major change" within the first year. Work, living arrangements, financial, family. I had no choice, but staying sober was my first priority, so no matter what I had to deal with, I managed to stay sober ( I wonder sometimes, looking back how I came out the other end.)
That said, your changes seem to be positive ones. Nothing is perfect and even positive change can be stressful, but I say go for it. Be mindful of every step your taking, keep a compass on yourself so that you can slow down if you need to. It's not a race, but I believe in always moving forward. You know how much you can handle (based on what I have read in your postings, MO) Good luck with everything Sfgirl!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Good for you Sfgirl!
I made a major geographical move at the same time as I began my recovery. It was to an area where English was not the first language, so it was difficult, but exhilerating. I also 'found' a volunteer situation that hooked me up with some of the most amazing women I'd ever met in my life. So, it was all good!
I made a major geographical move at the same time as I began my recovery. It was to an area where English was not the first language, so it was difficult, but exhilerating. I also 'found' a volunteer situation that hooked me up with some of the most amazing women I'd ever met in my life. So, it was all good!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
My suggestion would be that if you aren't pressed to make the change right now, then let it slide. However, decisions on schooling, occupation changes etc. should be made when needed. Be careful of a geographical change to get away from problems. That doesn't work. Your problems move with you. But as our fearless leader Carol said,
not making major changes is just a suggestion. She made a bunch and look at what happened to her, poor girl. Having to read all this drivel. How sad.
not making major changes is just a suggestion. She made a bunch and look at what happened to her, poor girl. Having to read all this drivel. How sad.
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Hey,
First off, congratulations on your clean time! That is so awesome - you should be very proud!
Now, I am well-aware of AA's/NA's "rules" and "suggestions," and I totally understand why they are in place. Obviously, us addicts and alcoholics tend to have a lot to learn and a lot of stuff to piece back together (learning how to live sober, making friends, mending relationships, etc..) and all of that is stressful enough as it is, so no major changes pretty much gives us a year of breathing room to get our fundamental needs met. However, you are an adult, and you are coming up on a year within the next few months. I think that you should totally start doing research for what you want to change, i.e. looking into future new locations, researching different grad school programs, etc.. As long as these new changes are positive and don't cause an enormous amount of stress, I don't see an issue. Just avoid being impulsive, take your time and do your research and have fun with it, turn these changes into fun & positive things to look forward to!
Rach
First off, congratulations on your clean time! That is so awesome - you should be very proud!
Now, I am well-aware of AA's/NA's "rules" and "suggestions," and I totally understand why they are in place. Obviously, us addicts and alcoholics tend to have a lot to learn and a lot of stuff to piece back together (learning how to live sober, making friends, mending relationships, etc..) and all of that is stressful enough as it is, so no major changes pretty much gives us a year of breathing room to get our fundamental needs met. However, you are an adult, and you are coming up on a year within the next few months. I think that you should totally start doing research for what you want to change, i.e. looking into future new locations, researching different grad school programs, etc.. As long as these new changes are positive and don't cause an enormous amount of stress, I don't see an issue. Just avoid being impulsive, take your time and do your research and have fun with it, turn these changes into fun & positive things to look forward to!
Rach
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Originally Posted by joedris 
Be careful of a geographical change to get away from problems. That doesn't work.
The interesting thing is that when I was talking to my therapist about it, I said part of me feels like I couldn't move there because I would be too happy. Has anyone ever felt that way? Scared to make yourself actually, truly happy? I am pretty certain it is a fear of mine.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
When I first started out on this recovery road, this suggestion wasn't no major changes in the 'first year'; it was just slightly different; the suggestion went......: No major changes in 'early' recovery.
One way to look at that would be to decide what would constitute 'early' sobriety/recovery to you; to some that might be a year, while to others it might only be a few months, while others might even go so far as to feel that for them 'early' might even include the first few years.....
I never broke down the term 'early' and neither did most of my friends; it was kinda the way we felt about our own individual recovery roads---where were we compared to where we had wanted us to be when we started out....
Most of my friends, and myself included, did work with the term 'major changes,' realizing that these kinds of changes would be the kind that might take our eyes off our goal----our sobriety/recovery; the kind of changes that might take our priority off of our sobriety/recovery, and we certainly didn't want that. What we worked on and decided was that we wouldn't make any changes (that we might be working on, or perhaps planning on in the near future) MAJOR.
I guess I sort of see that (not making any changes major) as maybe not making mountains out of mole hills. I was sober (well, I was abstinent, at least) for only 10 days when an opportunity arrose that I needed to face.....go to California for a few days (a long weekend--a week at the longest), as my mother had been hit by a car and needed me to help her out at home when she returned from her hosital stay---you know, dealing with the mail, bills, checkbook, groceries, a bit of cleaning; all the fun stuff....LOL This was the first time my mother had ever 'needed' me and/or asked for my help; she knew I'd started going to AA and that I wasn't drinking any more (at least she was hoping.....BUT, here comes the kicker....my boss at the time (I was an apt house mngr) told me 'NO,' I couldn't have the time off; if I took off, I was not to expect to still have my job on my return-----can anyone say 'major change'.....? Nah, not moi. It took me no time at all to tell my boss that I was leaving, and that I'd pick up my stuff (all my worldly possessions....that fit in a campershell on the back ot a small toyota p/u) when I returned (she very uncerimoniously dumped/threw them all in a vacant apt---lovely 'lady' that she was).............and off I went; AND....since I had no job to return to in Houston, I stayed at my mom's for almost three months. I had a best friend there who was sober almost two years, and she introduced me around at a bunch of the women's meetings there in SF.....and I got my 30 day (and a 1,000 nights) chip and my 60 day chip there.....returning to Houston just in time to watch my sponsor get her two year chip and for me to get my 90 day chip---both on the same night/our center's monthly birthday/anniversary night celebration.
Some folks have told me that they couldn't have been so calm in making the decision I made; I guess I'm still a pretty laid-back SF/Haight Ashbury hippie...most stuff just rolls off my back. I truly didn't see my decision as major at all.....
Sooooooooo, after all this.....what am I saying....? I guess I'm saying that no matter what your decision(s) is(are), just try to not make a major deal over it(them)-----yeh, I know, easy huh?...lol ...hard being a laid-back hippie nowadays w/o the weed, or the spinada wine, or the acid/mescaline,or, or, or....but I try to give it the best shot I got.....
Here's wishing you all the best; whatever you decide.....and a big CONGRATZ on your 8 months......!!!!!
NoelleR
One way to look at that would be to decide what would constitute 'early' sobriety/recovery to you; to some that might be a year, while to others it might only be a few months, while others might even go so far as to feel that for them 'early' might even include the first few years.....
I never broke down the term 'early' and neither did most of my friends; it was kinda the way we felt about our own individual recovery roads---where were we compared to where we had wanted us to be when we started out....
Most of my friends, and myself included, did work with the term 'major changes,' realizing that these kinds of changes would be the kind that might take our eyes off our goal----our sobriety/recovery; the kind of changes that might take our priority off of our sobriety/recovery, and we certainly didn't want that. What we worked on and decided was that we wouldn't make any changes (that we might be working on, or perhaps planning on in the near future) MAJOR.
I guess I sort of see that (not making any changes major) as maybe not making mountains out of mole hills. I was sober (well, I was abstinent, at least) for only 10 days when an opportunity arrose that I needed to face.....go to California for a few days (a long weekend--a week at the longest), as my mother had been hit by a car and needed me to help her out at home when she returned from her hosital stay---you know, dealing with the mail, bills, checkbook, groceries, a bit of cleaning; all the fun stuff....LOL This was the first time my mother had ever 'needed' me and/or asked for my help; she knew I'd started going to AA and that I wasn't drinking any more (at least she was hoping.....BUT, here comes the kicker....my boss at the time (I was an apt house mngr) told me 'NO,' I couldn't have the time off; if I took off, I was not to expect to still have my job on my return-----can anyone say 'major change'.....? Nah, not moi. It took me no time at all to tell my boss that I was leaving, and that I'd pick up my stuff (all my worldly possessions....that fit in a campershell on the back ot a small toyota p/u) when I returned (she very uncerimoniously dumped/threw them all in a vacant apt---lovely 'lady' that she was).............and off I went; AND....since I had no job to return to in Houston, I stayed at my mom's for almost three months. I had a best friend there who was sober almost two years, and she introduced me around at a bunch of the women's meetings there in SF.....and I got my 30 day (and a 1,000 nights) chip and my 60 day chip there.....returning to Houston just in time to watch my sponsor get her two year chip and for me to get my 90 day chip---both on the same night/our center's monthly birthday/anniversary night celebration.
Some folks have told me that they couldn't have been so calm in making the decision I made; I guess I'm still a pretty laid-back SF/Haight Ashbury hippie...most stuff just rolls off my back. I truly didn't see my decision as major at all.....
Sooooooooo, after all this.....what am I saying....? I guess I'm saying that no matter what your decision(s) is(are), just try to not make a major deal over it(them)-----yeh, I know, easy huh?...lol ...hard being a laid-back hippie nowadays w/o the weed, or the spinada wine, or the acid/mescaline,or, or, or....but I try to give it the best shot I got.....
Here's wishing you all the best; whatever you decide.....and a big CONGRATZ on your 8 months......!!!!!
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Never heard of someone being concerned abouy being too happy. I should be so lucky.
And stop with the wish to punish yourself, it'll get you nowhere. I can see no downside to making yourself happy. You deserve to be happy. So go for it!
And stop with the wish to punish yourself, it'll get you nowhere. I can see no downside to making yourself happy. You deserve to be happy. So go for it!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Haha, Joe hasn't been reading the same stuff as me! You're not alone, they are writing books for those of us who don't feel deserving of happiness.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Appreciating Ourselves
We are the greatest things that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.
--Codependent No More
It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.
We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly - feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.
We have a right to be here.
We have a right to be ourselves. We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.
We are good enough, and deserving.
Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us.
It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.
We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less than nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is whom we were created and intended to be.
That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.
I didn't realize that I was afraid of moving towards happiness until I came here and read it. Stick around awhile Joe, you'll hear us say all kinds of crazy things haha
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Appreciating Ourselves
We are the greatest things that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.
--Codependent No More
It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.
We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly - feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.
We have a right to be here.
We have a right to be ourselves. We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.
We are good enough, and deserving.
Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us.
It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.
We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less than nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is whom we were created and intended to be.
That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.
I didn't realize that I was afraid of moving towards happiness until I came here and read it. Stick around awhile Joe, you'll hear us say all kinds of crazy things haha
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