lostthebattle

(Ok let me start by saying I love this site and wished I had found it a long time ago.My son who was my addict died 5 months ago.So I have tried to warn other people that have an addict.
Then I start reading through the post an started handing out advice to other mother's and all of a sudden I relized that I am still trying to fix my son.

MyJoey

I am so glad your sticking around! :day6 Maybe your trying to understand what happened to your son and why he used drugs. I keep looking for the reason, even if I know there really is none.

atalose

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe it’s not so much trying to fix our son as much as it is trying to fix you. Sharing things with other mothers going through it could be a tremendous help to someone else. Things you see now that if only you knew or understood at the time you’d do differently.

I’m glad you are here…..

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Sorry to hear of your loss, can't begin to fathom how painful it must be for you.
If you get the help you need and do the work you need to do, you can stop blaming yourself for your sons' choices.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Angelic17

Awhhh! I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It's sickening what addiction does to our children. It's an epidemic in our country. My heart goes out to you on this sad and empty Mothers Day. It took me two years of heartache, and running around like a lunatic, to realize that I could not fix my son. I never could, and never will be able to. Only he can fix himself. I had to let go, and I did. It was the most painful experience of my life. I still haven't recovered. It took me 28 years to learn,that his life was not mine to live. It was a tough lesson. I wanted him to listen to me and do things my way. It Never Happened.



God Bless You and Comfort You
On this Mothers Day
I'm sorry for your loss

lostthebattle

Let me know how the boy's at rehab related to Ryan's story.You know my son had been home 4 days from rehab when he died.I called over there to let the chaplin know about Ryan.He brought everyone of those boys with him to the funeral home and funeral.The rehab is about an hour and half a way .
I remember looking at those kids thinking "Will this wake them up?

lostthebattle

Ryan has been gone for 5 months and I'm still thinking wtf has happened.Some day's it seems like Ryan is still at rehab but I know he's not and I can't get past the disbelief that he is gone.Yes your right I'm broke and how do you fix this.God I hate drugs!

lostthebattle

Makes you wonder who is more insane,the addict or the one trying to help save the addict.

mooselips

lostthebattle,
I am so sorry for your loss.
Many a night I have laid awake visualizing my oldest AS's death.
Unfortunately, I think alot of us moms do that.

The only time I feel he is kind of out of harms way is when he's in jail.
(which he is now)


Please stay and post.
Glad you're here.

Hugs and hugs.......

marteen

I, too, am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you have endured.

Personally, I don't think that you are trying to "fix" your son but I do believe that you are trying to make some sense of it. And I also think you are trying to "fix" yourself. There's nothing wrong with that and if offering advice to others who are going through what you went through helps to heal, then that's a good thing.

Just keep in mind, you can always offer advice but not everyone will take it and that's ok. Just don't let yourself feel responsible for anyone else's decisions or choices. We all do what we feel is best for us and sometimes that can be construed as different depending on the perspective.

I hope that you continue to come here and allow yourself the change to heal and grow!

:ghug

Angelic17

The one trying to save the addict is more insane. The addict gets relief from his suffering, while he is using. Even if it's just for a short time. The one trying to save him, doesn't get any relief. It's an exhausting task. That's why, Let go or be dragged is the saying that makes so much sense to me. I was being dragged around for 2 years. I'm over it now. I will never be happy that my son is an addict. But, I will not be dragged down by his poor choices anymore. It's tough love now. Again, I am very sorry for the loss of your son. Find comfort in your faith, knowing he is at peace.

splendra

oh sweetheart I am so sorry for your loss.

We all hate the drugs. But, is it really the drugs? I can walk into a room with piles of drugs everywhere and not want to use them. I have a good friend who has prescription drugs for a chronic pain condition which; I also have and am in pain a lot. Sometimes she asks me if I want one of her pills and I still do not take one of hers or, go fill my own prescription if I want to. I personally don't like the way pain pills make me feel even when I hurt I don't like it.

If it was just the drugs the "war on drugs" would work. It is much deeper than drugs it is about a pain that feels so bad down to the soul an emptiness and a fear. It is about not accepting the self, things and, people the way they are.

Mom's search to fix their children who suffer and others of us try to fix our significant others. We hate what it does and you are right(((((lostthebattle))))) we get broke trying to fight this battle for them. It is very hard to fight by the rules and often we get bitterly hurt, betrayed and left to bleed out on the battlefield even when we do play by the rules.

All we can really do is keep our side of the street as clean as possible and for some of us(for sure that would be me) it takes a very long time to be healed enough to clean it up. I am a work in progress I have fought and lost many battles with addiction it is time for me to lay down my sword and give myself a hug instead.

Be gentle with yourself okay...

winnie12

lost - maybe you're just being called to help other parents going through this. I have thought many times that if i get through this and my son does get sober that i'll most likely try to help others by sharing what i learned through this. maybe through our experiences we can help other parents not make the same mistakes and be more prepared. i made many many mistakes in the beginning - not saying that my AS's life would have been different but that my own life would have been different and i may not have been so enabling

marle

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and prayers that you may find peace. Marle

MyJoey

I printed it out and gave it to the group leader on Sunday. My Joey had a chance to read it first and it brought tears to his eyes. I told him to remind the group leader his name is Ryan, he said I will mom.

I hate addiction and what it is doing to our boys, girls, husbands and love ones. I have to believe that your sons death really shook them boys at rehab up, most of them would have gotten to know your son pretty well and to see him one week and the next, he is gone. It must have been hard for you to see them there also, I'm sure you wanted to shake the heck out of them to wake up. I hope you are talking to someone and getting help to deal with his death. I can't even begin to imagine the pain, I think the disbelief would pretty much sum it up for me. He is in your heart and as long as you are living, he will be with you, I really wish there were words that could make it easier. ((((Hugs)))) Julie

lostthebattle

Thank you Julie for sharing Ryan's story with your son and the other people at the rehab.
I call the men where Ryan was( boys.)Truth is Ryan was the youngest one there.About half was anywhere from 19 to 25 the rest were grown men.There is one I remember(Kerry) he called Ryan his best friend.He went there the same time Ryan did and he was set to leave two weeks after Ryan.
I have thought about counseling and friends have suggested it.Counseling is not going to help this.It won't bring Ryan back.

Serenity Bound

Lost, I am so sorry for your loss. Counseling won't bring Ryan back, your right, however it may help you in your grieving process. Each time Ryan's story is told, he will be there right in the mist, close to your heart.

Lots of hugs & prayers from one mom to another.
Chris

MyJoey

No it won't bring him back, but it will help you live with his death. I think what you are doing by reaching out to others is helping. I think it would be wonderful for you to share your story with addicts all over, there is nothing like seeing the pain of a woman that has lost her child. You are helping more people now then you will ever know, just by telling Ryan's story. It is unbelievable how many people are affected or have loved ones that are addicts. I am very open about my son and what he is going through. Everyone I talk to knows or has a story to tell me about an addict, so many people need help. You have and are giving Ryan's life meaning and helping others with your pain, I can't think of a more wonderful kind mother. Ryan would be very proud of you. (((hugs)))
PS You should check up on Kerry and see how he is doing.

Angelic17

Lostthebattle, grief counseling won't bring your son back, but it will bring you together with other mothers who understand exactly what your going through. Mothers who suffer the same loss, and really know how your feeling. My heart aches every time I hear a mother say she lost her child to addiction, or to anything for that matter. My brother died of a drug overdose, but I thank GOD it was 3 months after my mom passed away. I am so happy she never lived to bury one of her children. He was her first born, and I always thought he was her favorite. It's ironic how they always stayed together, even in death. The reason I think grief counseling is good, is because people say they understand, but if they haven't lost a child, how could they? You need to be around others who know what your feeling first hand. It's only been 5 months, you have an open wound. A tremendous hole in your heart to say the least. I Pray for GOD to heal you. I'm sorry for your devastating loss. :praying

splendra

No Ryan is not coming back. Share it like you are doing and it will help you and others. You are feeling what any mother would feel in your situation. I doubt you will ever really get over this loss of your son. You are on the path to acceptance it is healthy to get to there and you will.

Please remember to take very good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself too. It is not your fault. I am sure you did everything you could for your son and that your love for him still reaches him.