Supercalfragalisticexpealidocious (Long - sorry)
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Supercalfragalisticexpealidocious (Long - sorry)
That's what you say when you don't know what to say...
Almost always I don't know what to say or how to say what I'm feeling. It often leaves me feeling very isolated, even from my wife. I hope nobody minds but I'm going to try to dump it all in this post. No need to respond - I'm just trying to overcome my share-phobia and clear my head.
I came here to SR back in November 08 stating that we were both going to quit drinking together. We had a plan to go to detox one after the other as we have fur-kids. I was stalling and scared, I was losing weight at an alarming rate, I was increasing my intake in an effort to force myself into the position of quitting or dying.
Well, I did just that. I ended up in the hospital for just over a week at x-mas time. I already had medical problems due to my drinking, that my gastro-doc was trying to help me manage while she stressed that I needed to go to detox. This time I went to my pc-doc with abdominal pain after work, luckily she waited for me (traffic was insane). She sent me to the hospital for a CT-scan. Around 10pm it was confirmed as pancreatitis - she had apparently suspected that and had already set everything in motion and the nursing staff was waiting. I fought her tooth-and-nail on the phone about being admitted as I walked through the hospital. I needed a drink so bad at that point I just wanted to go home. As much pain as I was in I was the need for alcohol was winning the battle. Eventually after hearing 'if you don't stay you may die' a few times, I surrendered. I knew this was what I wanted, what I was battling myself over... but NOT THIS WAY. It no longer felt like my choice, I felt betrayed by my own body (though I know it was the other way around).
So I was treated for chronic pancreatitis and detoxed. I remember the intake, one phone call and one visit. Nothing else. I was released with 15 dilaudid to manage the pain for a few days and remeron (don't know why). I had already set up a meeting with a counselor in January so I kept that appointment and continued to see her (and a psych-doc who I still see) until March when she gently dumped me because I wasn't really sharing so we really weren't getting anywhere. She did say she'd be there if/when I felt ready. I felt like a failure - how does one fail at going to therapy? I also felt abandoned. Whether I shared or just sat there trying to think of a way to say anything I felt or thought, I was comforted knowing she was there listening and talking with me. I also used our session/her as an accountability measure - I couldn't face having to say 'I f*ed up' - so I didn't drink.
In that time I had been to my multi-docs and the ER twice because of the pain. I ended up with a rx for dilaudid, which my np and pc-doc decided to continue to manage the pain. I have also since seen 2 other gastro-docs, one suggested a nerve-block. I did not want that - scary possible 'gone wrong' scenarios. Recently my np referred me to a pain clinic. I now take neurontin (N), which the pain-doc hopes to have eventually replace the narcotic. Only problem is that now, at almost 5 months sober, the N makes me feel drunk. The cravings are worse than ever. I get that little bit of a buzz and now I want MORE. To top it off, the N only assists the dilaudid, it doesn't work well on its own. I keep saying I'm not going to take it anymore, but then I go and take it because I want that feeling. I'm such an addict!
I'm in a bad spot. I'm dependent on the narcotic (withdrawal sets in about 5 hours after I would usually take it - I tried to give just the N a chance) and I am on the verge of drinking on top of it (and the stupid N that I keep taking). I also take 2 benzos for anxiety. I know if I drink with all these drugs in my system I'd likely die - but I still can't stop thinking about it. I had a bottle of scotch to my lips today - I didn't drink it. I put it away. But I am still obsessing. I'd stop taking everything and go for it too, but the threat of death if I mess with my pancreas again is still working in my favor for the time being.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post but I just had to put it all down, try to get it out of my head somehow. BTW my wife is still actively drinking though she has now started the process to quit (yay!). But at this point she doesn't 'get' the cravings concept and can't be much help when I am having a really bad day - like yesterday/today. I thank whatever powers there are that I found SR. I read here often and since I am not an AA type (tried it my first time around years ago) it has been such a great help in keeping me sober so far.
Stay strong all and thanks for letting me babble.
Almost always I don't know what to say or how to say what I'm feeling. It often leaves me feeling very isolated, even from my wife. I hope nobody minds but I'm going to try to dump it all in this post. No need to respond - I'm just trying to overcome my share-phobia and clear my head.
I came here to SR back in November 08 stating that we were both going to quit drinking together. We had a plan to go to detox one after the other as we have fur-kids. I was stalling and scared, I was losing weight at an alarming rate, I was increasing my intake in an effort to force myself into the position of quitting or dying.
Well, I did just that. I ended up in the hospital for just over a week at x-mas time. I already had medical problems due to my drinking, that my gastro-doc was trying to help me manage while she stressed that I needed to go to detox. This time I went to my pc-doc with abdominal pain after work, luckily she waited for me (traffic was insane). She sent me to the hospital for a CT-scan. Around 10pm it was confirmed as pancreatitis - she had apparently suspected that and had already set everything in motion and the nursing staff was waiting. I fought her tooth-and-nail on the phone about being admitted as I walked through the hospital. I needed a drink so bad at that point I just wanted to go home. As much pain as I was in I was the need for alcohol was winning the battle. Eventually after hearing 'if you don't stay you may die' a few times, I surrendered. I knew this was what I wanted, what I was battling myself over... but NOT THIS WAY. It no longer felt like my choice, I felt betrayed by my own body (though I know it was the other way around).
So I was treated for chronic pancreatitis and detoxed. I remember the intake, one phone call and one visit. Nothing else. I was released with 15 dilaudid to manage the pain for a few days and remeron (don't know why). I had already set up a meeting with a counselor in January so I kept that appointment and continued to see her (and a psych-doc who I still see) until March when she gently dumped me because I wasn't really sharing so we really weren't getting anywhere. She did say she'd be there if/when I felt ready. I felt like a failure - how does one fail at going to therapy? I also felt abandoned. Whether I shared or just sat there trying to think of a way to say anything I felt or thought, I was comforted knowing she was there listening and talking with me. I also used our session/her as an accountability measure - I couldn't face having to say 'I f*ed up' - so I didn't drink.
In that time I had been to my multi-docs and the ER twice because of the pain. I ended up with a rx for dilaudid, which my np and pc-doc decided to continue to manage the pain. I have also since seen 2 other gastro-docs, one suggested a nerve-block. I did not want that - scary possible 'gone wrong' scenarios. Recently my np referred me to a pain clinic. I now take neurontin (N), which the pain-doc hopes to have eventually replace the narcotic. Only problem is that now, at almost 5 months sober, the N makes me feel drunk. The cravings are worse than ever. I get that little bit of a buzz and now I want MORE. To top it off, the N only assists the dilaudid, it doesn't work well on its own. I keep saying I'm not going to take it anymore, but then I go and take it because I want that feeling. I'm such an addict!
I'm in a bad spot. I'm dependent on the narcotic (withdrawal sets in about 5 hours after I would usually take it - I tried to give just the N a chance) and I am on the verge of drinking on top of it (and the stupid N that I keep taking). I also take 2 benzos for anxiety. I know if I drink with all these drugs in my system I'd likely die - but I still can't stop thinking about it. I had a bottle of scotch to my lips today - I didn't drink it. I put it away. But I am still obsessing. I'd stop taking everything and go for it too, but the threat of death if I mess with my pancreas again is still working in my favor for the time being.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post but I just had to put it all down, try to get it out of my head somehow. BTW my wife is still actively drinking though she has now started the process to quit (yay!). But at this point she doesn't 'get' the cravings concept and can't be much help when I am having a really bad day - like yesterday/today. I thank whatever powers there are that I found SR. I read here often and since I am not an AA type (tried it my first time around years ago) it has been such a great help in keeping me sober so far.
Stay strong all and thanks for letting me babble.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
You, my friend, have some serious problems. But you know that. I'm suprised that all those doctors you see haven't put their heads together and discover that they're working against one another. The least of your problems right now is opening up and sharing your feelings. You've become addicted to drugs, have pancreatitis, and are an alcoholic. You need in-house detox followed by some serious in-house rehabilitation. The route you're on now obviously isn't working, and if you stay on it the future is dim. I hope you can get some help that really helps, rather than another script to offset the effects of the meds you're taking. Good luck, and keep up posted, OK?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 42
Hi DShea,
Wow - you've had quite a go of things haven't you?
It can be really tough to share, especially when you are feeling so conflicted so I am so glad you did.
Keep posting - it makes the insanity a little more real I find, and other members will come along to offer encouragement and/or knock some sense in to you - both of which can be very helpful.
You should be proud that you didn't drink that scotch. You're right - if you do drink you probably will die. Have you seen the documentary "Rain in my Heart"? It's a sobering (pun intended) documentary about end-stage alcoholics and their health complications. It was put out on the BBC - you can find it online by googling. Two of the four people profiled die during filming. It's not a joke. I find it's a good one to watch when you need a reminder that death is a very real possibility, and it sounds like that's where you are at from your post.
Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.
Jayne
Wow - you've had quite a go of things haven't you?
It can be really tough to share, especially when you are feeling so conflicted so I am so glad you did.
Keep posting - it makes the insanity a little more real I find, and other members will come along to offer encouragement and/or knock some sense in to you - both of which can be very helpful.
You should be proud that you didn't drink that scotch. You're right - if you do drink you probably will die. Have you seen the documentary "Rain in my Heart"? It's a sobering (pun intended) documentary about end-stage alcoholics and their health complications. It was put out on the BBC - you can find it online by googling. Two of the four people profiled die during filming. It's not a joke. I find it's a good one to watch when you need a reminder that death is a very real possibility, and it sounds like that's where you are at from your post.
Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.
Jayne
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
I really wish you'd give AA another chance, if for anything, A SPONSOR!!!!! They are free and you can work the steps. I can't even begin to tell you how crucial working the steps are.
I never knew how I was going to stop, I had cravings that were enough to make me insane. I checked myself into a rehab and almost 2 years later, here I am.
I hope you will find the help you need and hopefully the suggestions that I'm sure will continue to come your way here at SR.
I never knew how I was going to stop, I had cravings that were enough to make me insane. I checked myself into a rehab and almost 2 years later, here I am.
I hope you will find the help you need and hopefully the suggestions that I'm sure will continue to come your way here at SR.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I hope you get the help you need.. your post terrifies me and only helps to solidify my own determination to remain drug and alcohol free. I really hope you think of trying something new, like others have said, what you're doing is not working and could kill you. I hope you want more for yourself than that, I really do.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back to SR....
Considering your medical history ...I do think
a hospital drug de tox is called for.
To stay clean...NA is helpful for many addicts.
Blessings to you and your wife....
Considering your medical history ...I do think
a hospital drug de tox is called for.
To stay clean...NA is helpful for many addicts.
Blessings to you and your wife....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
DShea,
Your situation sounds messed up in so many ways. It doesn't sound like you are doing a very good job at managing your alcoholism. Unlike others have said, there is little reason to be 'proud' of not taking that drink. You're just managing the disease in a different way. A pat on the back is not the thing that is most helpful to you. Recovery is.
Maybe it's time to try something different. There are many people on this forum who would be willing to steer you in a direction of recovery, if you are willing to take that action.
Your situation sounds messed up in so many ways. It doesn't sound like you are doing a very good job at managing your alcoholism. Unlike others have said, there is little reason to be 'proud' of not taking that drink. You're just managing the disease in a different way. A pat on the back is not the thing that is most helpful to you. Recovery is.
Maybe it's time to try something different. There are many people on this forum who would be willing to steer you in a direction of recovery, if you are willing to take that action.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Dshea you say you have to get it out, you need to share it, yet you say AA is not for you?
You know I tried AA when I was NOT really ready to quit drinking and it did not do a damn thing for me....... WHY?
I know now why, for me it was because I thought I could handle it myself still, I still had this thought in my head that I would find a way to control or stop drinking on my own!
Well 5 years after I "Tried" AA, alone in my garage with a cold one in my hand I saw my death and I REALLY did not want to die!!!! The thought of AA did not even enter my mind, what did enter my mind was "I am going to die a slow painful death from my alcoholism and I have no idea how to stop drinking!"
It was at this point I decided I did not want to die so I called a Drug & Alcohol hotline, I saw a doctor the next day and I told the whole truth about my drinking! He told me I needed to be medically detoxed.
Well I listened, I went into medical detox and in detox they told me if I wanted a CHANCE to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor!
In reality it took at least a month of going to meetings every day and having a sponsor and following suggestions before AA started to work for me...... Suprise!!!! 40 years of drinking I have found does not get better overnight, it does not even start to get better with 10 AA meetings, for me it took obver 30 before it even started to work.
It sounds to me as though you are at a turning point, a point where you are just going to try to keep living the way you are now............... or you are going to go to your DOCTORS..... all of them, explain to them what all you are taking, explain that you are now an addict and are really struggling.
Do you want to live? It sure sounds to me as though you are at the point of getting totally honest with all the docs or slowly dying.
There is a solution for what is up with you, but my friend it is in your hands and you need to start it all off by getting things straight with your doctors.
You know I tried AA when I was NOT really ready to quit drinking and it did not do a damn thing for me....... WHY?
I know now why, for me it was because I thought I could handle it myself still, I still had this thought in my head that I would find a way to control or stop drinking on my own!
Well 5 years after I "Tried" AA, alone in my garage with a cold one in my hand I saw my death and I REALLY did not want to die!!!! The thought of AA did not even enter my mind, what did enter my mind was "I am going to die a slow painful death from my alcoholism and I have no idea how to stop drinking!"
It was at this point I decided I did not want to die so I called a Drug & Alcohol hotline, I saw a doctor the next day and I told the whole truth about my drinking! He told me I needed to be medically detoxed.
Well I listened, I went into medical detox and in detox they told me if I wanted a CHANCE to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor!
In reality it took at least a month of going to meetings every day and having a sponsor and following suggestions before AA started to work for me...... Suprise!!!! 40 years of drinking I have found does not get better overnight, it does not even start to get better with 10 AA meetings, for me it took obver 30 before it even started to work.
It sounds to me as though you are at a turning point, a point where you are just going to try to keep living the way you are now............... or you are going to go to your DOCTORS..... all of them, explain to them what all you are taking, explain that you are now an addict and are really struggling.
Do you want to live? It sure sounds to me as though you are at the point of getting totally honest with all the docs or slowly dying.
There is a solution for what is up with you, but my friend it is in your hands and you need to start it all off by getting things straight with your doctors.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 184
Thanks for all your kind words, strong suggestions and kicks in the behind.
My np and pain-doc know all the meds I am taking and both know that I'm an alcoholic. My psychiatrist will know about the narcotic and neurontin this week as I scheduled an appointment to review my meds with him because it makes me nervous to be taking the benzos with these other drugs. My np sent me to the pain clinic in hopes of finding an alternative to the narcotic to manage the pain. It started out I'd only need to take it so I could eat... but then we know how it goes: tolerance developed, it didn't last as long, blargle, blarge and so on, an now I'm dependent on it.
I did call the pain clinic the day after the N started to make me feel drunk. I left a message that I wanted to discuss other med options, but the Dr. is out of the country until mid-month. So, I was an ass and continued to take it. Hopefully switching to a different drug will help the pain. I'll just have to suck it up and deal with that drunk feeling being taken away. I do really love the narcotic now, but I do not want to and am willing to get off it as a non-narcotic takes over managing the pain. I am hopeful that I'll be able to taper off the narcotic within a couple of months as planned, thus avoiding an in-house detox. So far my docs are in agreement on that.
Originally Posted by joedris 
You, my friend, have some serious problems. But you know that. I'm suprised that all those doctors you see haven't put their heads together and discover that they're working against one another.
I did call the pain clinic the day after the N started to make me feel drunk. I left a message that I wanted to discuss other med options, but the Dr. is out of the country until mid-month. So, I was an ass and continued to take it. Hopefully switching to a different drug will help the pain. I'll just have to suck it up and deal with that drunk feeling being taken away. I do really love the narcotic now, but I do not want to and am willing to get off it as a non-narcotic takes over managing the pain. I am hopeful that I'll be able to taper off the narcotic within a couple of months as planned, thus avoiding an in-house detox. So far my docs are in agreement on that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by Jayne2
Hi DShea,
...
It can be really tough to share, especially when you are feeling so conflicted so I am so glad you did.
...
Have you seen the documentary "Rain in my Heart"? It's a sobering (pun intended) documentary about end-stage alcoholics and their health complications. It was put out on the BBC - you can find it online by googling. Two of the four people profiled die during filming. It's not a joke. I find it's a good one to watch when you need a reminder that death is a very real possibility, and it sounds like that's where you are at from your post.
Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.
Jayne
...
It can be really tough to share, especially when you are feeling so conflicted so I am so glad you did.
...
Have you seen the documentary "Rain in my Heart"? It's a sobering (pun intended) documentary about end-stage alcoholics and their health complications. It was put out on the BBC - you can find it online by googling. Two of the four people profiled die during filming. It's not a joke. I find it's a good one to watch when you need a reminder that death is a very real possibility, and it sounds like that's where you are at from your post.
Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.
Jayne
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 184
Keithj said: "Your situation sounds messed up in so many ways. It doesn't sound like you are doing a very good job at managing your alcoholism. Unlike others have said, there is little reason to be 'proud' of not taking that drink. You're just managing the disease in a different way. A pat on the back is not the thing that is most helpful to you. Recovery is."
Maybe it's time to try something different. There are many people on this forum who would be willing to steer you in a direction of recovery, if you are willing to take that action.
I agree there is little reason to be 'proud' of not taking that drink. It is just what I shouldn't do now that I am trying to recover. Doesn't mean I didn't want it really really bad. I'm not managing my alcoholism well, I'm not managing anything well right now. I am trying to do the right thing, telling on myself and hoping to change the med that gives me the feeling I miss but shouldn't have because it is harmful to my dryness - I say that because I am not sober I'm just dry. I'm not intending to substitute alcohol with opiates. I am now addicted to them, but like I said to joedris I am willing to get off them as soon as I can.
For those who suggest AA, I did attend AA for 3 years. It is extremely difficult for me to share there or anywhere. I mean, this is an anonymous (to the extent one wishes to remain) and it is like pulling teeth still for me to post here. I'm always open to suggestion and if I can get over some personal hurdles it may become an option then.
For now, I just can't do it.
Tazman said: "It sounds to me as though you are at a turning point, a point where you are just going to try to keep living the way you are now............... or you are going to go to your DOCTORS..... all of them, explain to them what all you are taking, explain that you are now an addict and are really struggling.
Do you want to live? It sure sounds to me as though you are at the point of getting totally honest with all the docs or slowly dying."
Aside from telling my docs that I am opiate-addicted now I have been completely honest with them. I've avoided telling them about the addiction because I was hoping that the pain clinic plan to replace and taper off would take care of that without my having opiate addicton added to my record and my insurance profile.
Do I want to live? Right now the answer to that is sometimes.
Thanks again everyone for your responses. You've given me a lot to consider.
Maybe it's time to try something different. There are many people on this forum who would be willing to steer you in a direction of recovery, if you are willing to take that action.
I agree there is little reason to be 'proud' of not taking that drink. It is just what I shouldn't do now that I am trying to recover. Doesn't mean I didn't want it really really bad. I'm not managing my alcoholism well, I'm not managing anything well right now. I am trying to do the right thing, telling on myself and hoping to change the med that gives me the feeling I miss but shouldn't have because it is harmful to my dryness - I say that because I am not sober I'm just dry. I'm not intending to substitute alcohol with opiates. I am now addicted to them, but like I said to joedris I am willing to get off them as soon as I can.
For those who suggest AA, I did attend AA for 3 years. It is extremely difficult for me to share there or anywhere. I mean, this is an anonymous (to the extent one wishes to remain) and it is like pulling teeth still for me to post here. I'm always open to suggestion and if I can get over some personal hurdles it may become an option then.
For now, I just can't do it.
Tazman said: "It sounds to me as though you are at a turning point, a point where you are just going to try to keep living the way you are now............... or you are going to go to your DOCTORS..... all of them, explain to them what all you are taking, explain that you are now an addict and are really struggling.
Do you want to live? It sure sounds to me as though you are at the point of getting totally honest with all the docs or slowly dying."
Aside from telling my docs that I am opiate-addicted now I have been completely honest with them. I've avoided telling them about the addiction because I was hoping that the pain clinic plan to replace and taper off would take care of that without my having opiate addicton added to my record and my insurance profile.
Do I want to live? Right now the answer to that is sometimes.
Thanks again everyone for your responses. You've given me a lot to consider.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Aside from telling my docs that I am opiate-addicted now I have been completely honest with them.
Do you have one doctor that might coordinate with the others? Right now it sounds as though they need to communicate with each other better and with you as well!!! You are the patient and from what you describe they have you in a bit of a pickle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 184
I've been thinking a lot and wow, I continue to try to protect my new addiction. In my posts I said I am totally willing to get of the narcotic and I thought 'yeah, i could tell np that i'm an addict, she's really understanding and helpful. i bet she'd coordinate with all of them and help me out.' and then I found myself thinking 'if i tell her i am addicted she's going to take it away.' Seems I have myself in a pickle.
I do want to proceed with the pain clinic's plan - in my heart - but in my head I'm totally freaking out about it. I guess I have replaced the booze with the drugs, I've got stop lying to myself. I'm afraid of not having anything to replace the drugs. I won't even have the benzos to fall back on. I saw my psychiatrist today and told him about the dilaudid and neurontin and my concern about taking the anti-anxiety meds with it and he agreed it is not a good thing to do so he switched me to Zoloft. He said that may actually help with the pain too.
I feel so stuck in the cycle of needing something to alter my brain. Some days it just doesn't seem worth it (quitting any of it). But I remember how desperate I felt when I was drinking and I don't want to go back to that place. I guess I know what I should do, its the actual doing it that scares me.
I do want to proceed with the pain clinic's plan - in my heart - but in my head I'm totally freaking out about it. I guess I have replaced the booze with the drugs, I've got stop lying to myself. I'm afraid of not having anything to replace the drugs. I won't even have the benzos to fall back on. I saw my psychiatrist today and told him about the dilaudid and neurontin and my concern about taking the anti-anxiety meds with it and he agreed it is not a good thing to do so he switched me to Zoloft. He said that may actually help with the pain too.
I feel so stuck in the cycle of needing something to alter my brain. Some days it just doesn't seem worth it (quitting any of it). But I remember how desperate I felt when I was drinking and I don't want to go back to that place. I guess I know what I should do, its the actual doing it that scares me.
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