nowwhat

I have three kids, ages (nearly) 18, 6, and 4.

My 18 year old can hear the truth about this situation, including alcohol abuse and emotional problems. He is not close at all to my XABF and this break up won't cause any changes in his life.

My two little ones are very attached, both to XABF and his 8 year old son. We have spent a lot of time together and have plans to vacation together this summer.

H (my 6 year old) has been talking a lot about X and his son this weekend, saying he wants to go over there to play.

(As a confession: X's son doesn't treat my son well. It has been very difficult to be around. The worst part is watching my very sensitive, sweet son obviously learning to accept mistreatment as his role in this relationship. I have been negligent in this area, fearing the conflict that arises when I try to address it, dismissing it as normal kid behavior. Which it isn't).

So. The kids don't have to know anything TODAY, because we aren't regular enough that they will really notice if we don't get together--since it's been an every other weekend thing, mostly, with a few weekday evenings thrown in.

What is age appropriate? How do I comfort the children? They are emotional, expressive, beautiful children. What can I do to make this okay for them?

This is the final nail in the coffin. I am never going to willingly see the X again, so allowing the children to continue to play is out.

Barbara52

Resons enough right there to never allow contact between your son and him ever again IMO.

As to what to say. When my first x and I split, we told our sons (then 3 and 7) that it was an adult problem, that we couldn't live together anymore, that they were not responsible and we bother still loved them.

Try to find something similar: Its an adult problem and they don't need to worry about it. It is your decision. You are sorry they won't be able to see his kids anymore but sometimes sad things happen. Its not their fault.

Let them feel their emotions, whatever they may be and let them work thru the break out as they need to.

Ago

Why would you tell your 18 y.o. son the inner workings of your love life?

I'm actually curious.

Is it to help him? You?

Especially now, when the truth of the matter is you might not be "done" yet and there is truly no resolution? I know you feel done, but it's been 48 hours, the one thing I learned about relationships with people like your ex is that is subject to change without notice. I swore "never again" repeatedly and yet fell for "the wall of seduction" over and over and over and went back every time.

I don't have an adult child, so I have no experience there, but I have the experience from your sons point of view, from my mother, and I felt a few emotions, but none were helpful to me. One of the things I felt was it was entirely inappropriate for her to be telling me these things. Another was she was trying to get me "on her side" and wanted me to "be an ally".

So anyhow, I am truly curious, why would you tell your 18 year old son about your relationships? Especially the "emotional abuse" and "alcoholism". Isn't this the man you offered to have a "no strings attached" relationship with and he said no? How will you tiptoe around that if you are actually being truthful?

I truly have no answers, I am just curious as to why you would share your relationship issues with your child.

B52's suggestions would seem appropriate to all three children to me.

nowwhat

Because he is asking. It's been more than 48 hours. I don't know that he needs to know anything about the conversations we've been having, but he does want to know why it didn't work out, and he knows we were talking about marriage.

I think it's okay to share the truth about substance abuse with my son. It's obviously a real issue, and one he will become more and more acquainted with as he grows up.

MissFixit

Nowwhat,

Hi.

As a child of divorce, I am too familiar with parents telling me things that they probably should have kept to themselves. I was pretty mature and both told me about things I did not need to know.

I am speaking from the place of your kids as I am not a parent.

We lived with my Dad who did his best, but was single for 10 years. During that time there was an assortment of girlfriends several of whom he proposed and all of whose kids I loved. I am friends to this day with many of the ex's kids (we are all grown...duh). Anyway, I became attached to a couple of the women. I am still friends with them. However, the toll it took on me emotionally is something I am only NOW understanding.

With these girlfriends two of the relationships were dramatic and we were dragged in and out of them. Not fun. Dad was looking for a united family and I don't know that he realized the impact on us.

You are a single mom doing the best you can and I imagine it is hard as hell. But, remember now matter how close you are to your kids (even the 18 year old) they are your kids and really don't need to be aware of the behind the scenes of your love life. Whatever you tell the little ones, IMHO is probably sufficient for the oldest too. He might ask more questions, but what good does it do for him to know about his mother's love life when you are trying to figure it out.

As the kid confusing and mixed messages were the impressions I got. I did not need that awareness of instability in our lives. In hindsight I would have preferred to be left out of the loop.

Miss

gowest

I am a parent

I think the advice about the information the younger kids need is sound.

I completely disagree though that the 18 year old should be given the same minimal information if he is asking for more.

I do not think he necessarily needs a blow by blow of every detail but I do think more information is appropriate. I would however tell him that he should stop you at any time if he feels that the conversation is heading into territory that makes him uncomfortable. I think you should be allowed to do the same.

Also the most important advice I have ever received about talking to my children was that I can say "I have to think about how to answer you. Let me get back to you on that one."

I do agree with Ago's point that if you say you are "done" you had best make sure that you are actually done.

I'd be curious to hear how the "talk" goes and what you find the oldest really wants to know and why.

edited to add: maybe the first questions to the older one should be "What is it that you feel you need to know and why? " "How do you feel having information about my personal relationship will be helpful to you?" Maybe he does not want to know the nitty gritty details but something much more basic?

bluejay6

I agree with you, nowwhat. I think telling the 18 yr old that the main reason the relationship is over for you is because you suspect substance abuse and addiction and that you WILL NOT BRING THAT INTO YOUR LIFE OR YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES is incredible role-modeling. Really, I wish someone in my family had taken that kind of stand for me and other young ones in the family.

For the little ones, I agree that "adult problem" and "not your fault" is the best way to go. You may have to say it several times so they are reassured it isn't because of anything they did.

I think you're doing really well.

nowwhat

Thanks for all these perspectives. I am not a child of divorce, but I do remember when my parents' marriage was on the rocks because of my mother's infidelity--it was very painful and confusing for all of us and I can see that boundaries would have been better.

I have told my son that it's about my wanting one kind of relationship (marriage) and X not wanting that. He wants to know why not, and why he told me he did. I think explaining to him that there is substance abuse and that this leads to poor judgment (eg saying things one doesn't mean) might be a helpful lesson for him. Substances impair judgment and cause pain--he is old enough for this, I think.

The most pressing reason I made my ridiculous offer to the X is that we had a vacation planned that the kids were really looking forward to. I was thinking that we could just go ahead and do it and then start planning to separate. Stupid, I know.

I really am done. I don't want to go into that painful place again, and I know that it's time to start healing. My X is not one to try to get back together with me, too prideful. I'm going to think of this as a blessing and take it one day at a time.

nowwhat

I also want to add--I have read many of your posts, Ago, and know that you are a kind heart. I don't know if you are aware that when you put things in "quotations" it can read as if you are being facetious or derisive.

I can assure you that my X drinks alcoholically (he went on the wagon in January after a particularly upsetting blackout, then first time he drank again in April, had another blackout, drove to my house and passed out in his car in my driveway, where he slept ALL NIGHT, and I had no idea he was even there).

I'm not saying that to be hurtful, but quotation marks can send a message that I don't think you intend.

Bernadette

Hi nowhat--
Having been through the separation and divorce conversations w/ my children I guess the only other thing I'd add is to be prepared for and sensitive to their reactions...it's a real opportunity to help them identify feelings and understand that although this is difficult to get through that you are there for them.

Consider all the possible reactions: they may be angry at you, or him, or both, they may seem unaffected and blase, they may cry or express relief, and may reveal worries that you didn't know they were already carrying...

I tried really hard to just be accepting of all that my children were feeling and not try to "talk them out" of their feelings or rationalize stuff or anything...just let them feel the tough feelings and work through it...

It's hard because I was often not at my best since I was going through the break-up as well...just take it one day at a time, allow yourself to feel the whole range of emotions and try to remember to project a sense of positivity about this decision - since you know in your heart it IS the right thing to do, it is the Healthy thing to do, and you feel firmly committed to better days ahead!!

Good luck- easy does it-
peace,
b

blessed4x

I'm in the middle of a divorce and my oldest is 17, youngest just turned 5. I'm trying to UNDO the information that my STBXAH gave my 17 year old. He told him "Your mom filed for a divorce and she'll be telling you I cheated, but I didn't". YIKES!!! I never in a million years would have considered giving my son that information, but now he has it, has questions about it and told me he wants to know but he doesn't want to know because he doesn't want to believe his dad could do that.

I told him that what happened between his dad and I is a private matter, but that his alcoholism did play a role (that's a topic we had discussed openly prior). I told him that I didn't think having any other information about or intimate relationship would be useful. He hasn't asked again. I assured him that it wasn't a decision I came to easily, but that he could be confident I had his best interest at heart.

As far as the little ones go, I agree with the above. Basic info and tons of reassurance that they didn't cause it and that you love them. My counselor pointed out that the tendency to NOT talk about what's going on is very confusing for younger kids. They instinctively know something is wrong, but when we glaze over it by telling them everythings fine (or even avoiding talking about it at all) they are learning that they can't trust that inner voice........probably how many of us got where we are now. She suggested that it's best to ask them what they think and how they feel about it. Then be sure to validate that it is weird, or sad, or no fair, or whatever they are feeling about it.

(((hugs))).....I can relate.

Ago

I by no means meant to be facetious or derisive, nor am I implying he is not an alcoholic. I can see where you would get that idea from me placing quotations around the word "alcoholic" in my previous post.

I _use_ quotations the same way DesertMike _uses_ underscore, to emphasize certain words mildly if I feel they deserve emphasis, but not enough, or in a different way then I would use bold or italicized text.

I am truly sorry if my putting quotes around the word alcoholic bothered you, by no means did i mean in any way shape or form to question his alcoholism, such was not my intent.

nowwhat

Maybe I'm a little touchy? I thought you were, perhaps, implying that there's nothing wrong with my X and that I'm the looney-tune, as evidenced by my offering a "no strings attached" relationship.

I am one (looney-tune) of course, but getting stronger by the minute!

Ago

No no, guy sounds like a jerk, I come off pretty ummm ....._hardcore_ sometimes....OK...a lot, because I try to keep the focus on me, on us.

That's where recovery is. I try to go straight to solution, and because I am both a male, and came up in a "no nonsense @ss kicking" AA program, that comes through my posts sometimes.

Sometimes it's appropriate, sometimes I'm a little rough, sometimes I'm wrong, and sometimes my timing is off.

I was absolutely "loony tunes_ when I broke up with my ex, I told anyone who would listen about everything she had done _to" me, the problem I kept having, is since they were all well versed in recovery, they kept putting the focus back on me. Asking me questions like "what was your part?"

P1ssed me off to no end.

Best thing they could have done in the long run.

She was ghastly. She treated me worse then I have ever been treated, I went batsh1t crazy being with her. It's my opinion she was an awful human being (to me because of the dynamics of our relationship, we brought out the absolute worst in each other. She's a wonderful mother, a good and accomplished employee, and good daughter and sister, it's just the dynamics of our relationship made her an awful human being to me.)

The point was, all that was besides the point. As long as I insisted on being "the victim", and angry "at" her, I couldn't start moving towards recovery and see my part. Also, and here's the hard part, until I could begin to forgive her, I walked around with her in my head all the time (resentment) There's a fate worse then death for you, walking around with someone i hated in my head 24/7. I needed to forgive before I could "let go".

It took time.

I moved way too fast with you. I pushed too hard, too fast.

I do apologize for that.

Take your time. Be pissed. be really pissed.

When you are done being angry (which is an important part of the process in this case I think), and have used that anger constructively to get some distance between you and him, we can revisit this. I absolutely stand by my earlier assertion that getting help (alanon) would be helpful (because it was so incredibly helpful to me).

P.S. I was being absolutely "facetious_ when I was playing with the punctuation this time, I was making fun of me, I hope that's OK.

Go with God, be strong, know you are loved and supported here, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing, you will get through this.