lsb

I do not feel like my family and friends really like my boyfriend based on his past. I am not sure how to really handle them. I do not want to leave him just based on his past.

Jadmack25

Someone's past "little" mistakes need not apply years later. I mean the silly things we all have done when young and feeling indestructible. BUT if someone has recurring problems, eg a history of drinking, abuse or infidelity in past relationships, or anything which has been a constant problem, then I would be very, very careful of becoming involved.

It is a powerful feeling to think we can "change" someone, and may get us stuck in a situation that becomes a nightmare for us later, when we find that we are the ones who have been changed.

Been there, done that and NEVER EVER again for me, thanks.
Be aware and take your time to make sure that you are not being suckered as the next victim. Don't totally dismiss your family and friends reservations, their main concern is for your safety and well being.

Look before you leap is a very wise saying.

God bless

Seren

Talk to us.....what sort of past.....what sort of present.....what is their general complaint?

I agree with Jack. If it's a one-time past event it may not be a problem, but if it's a habitual bad behavior, you might want to proceed with caution.

Hugs and blessings, HG

isurvived

Uhhhhh, I can relate. My family didn't like my boyfriend (who later I married) - they warned me not to marry him. I shook it off as "protective parents".

What I do remember was the fact that my dog didn't like him!

I've regretted not listening to that dog!

lsb

What they don't like is he once was into alcohol, drugs and sex. And while I do not believe I can change him - I believe he has changed for himself. He has been sober for 3 years now, 4 years off the drugs. The sex part I can't really say because I think he sort of had something with a girl before me that really wasn't a relationship. But I asked him to get tested and he did. I also don't have any real reason to believe he has cheated on me.

We also talked about his past and I just didn't want to judge him based on his past and wanted to give him a chance. I am happy with him other than I feel smothered sometimes and I told him this. So now we are working on that. He said he only wants to be with me and no one else and is willing to work things out. My one friend thinks he is controlling and everyone thinks it will just go back to how it was - but I think they are just upset cuz I haven't seen them in a while. He made me feel guilty about seeing my friends sometimes, but I told him that he does this. So now I just want to give him a chance and see if things can actually change.

FreeBird09

lsb, coming from an abusive marriage 'making you feel guilty about seeing your friends' is a RED FLAG. It starts out small, like oh you want to spend more time with your friends than me, to seclusion and controlling everything.

I tend to not want to listen to my friends or family, I wish I did. I wish I listened to someone who had MY BEST INTEREST AT HEART, instead of my bleeding heart.

Good luck and be mindful of what goes on from day to day.

Freedom1990

I agree, and my experience was much the same. Long before I ever married my EXAH, my family saw all the red flags, and I refused to look at them.

By the time it was over, I had been totally isolated from friends and family, with no sense of self-worth at all.

bluejay6

hi lsb and welcome.

I have a feeling you won't receive here what you are asking for, which is a way to "handle" the worries of your friends and family about your BF.

Most here will simply echo the very real concerns your friends and family have, and I don't think that is what you want to hear.

And everything negative about your BF, you are minimizing or denying. You want to see what you want to see. So, as they say about addicts who aren't ready to quit using, I don't think you are ready to see him with clear eyes.

So, use sexual protection against disease, and absolutely use birth control.

When the pain comes in this relationship, we will be here for you. Don't be afraid to come back and talk.

I'm worried for you, but I think reality is going to have to make things crystal clear for you before you see him as he is. So do take care. Do be careful.

lsb

I want to dump him and end this for good. I want out before it is too late. How should I go about this? What is the best way? I am not sure. Is going to his place a bad idea?

Seren

Your decision to continue dating this man is yours.....but if you do decide that you don't want to see him anymore, perhaps meet him for coffee or something like that?

I would certainly be cautious around someone who tried to make me feel guilty about seeing/spending time with friends and family members.

Huge hugs coming your way! HG

MissFixit

I agree with Hydrogirl. A friendly quiet publc place is best, if YOU want to end your relationship. Personally, I would not do it at his house or my house as you could get sucked into staying or him not leaving.

Good Luck to you.

Miss

lsb

Gah. I don't even really want to see him ever again. I already just broke up with him only to make it a break and then I took him back and now this. I came across new info which is the last straw for me. I just need for this to be over, and I dont really care if it is cold or not. He clearly does not care about my feelings. I tried to be nice and take him back but he is not worth it.

MissFixit

Hi.

Then do what you want. If you decide to do it face to face, then I would keep it to a public space.

Miss

Barbara52

So call him, have a brief conversation and say its over. You don't owe him anything more if you don't want to give it.

lsb

awesome. thanks. i already gave him the courtesy of a phone call when i first tried to end things. i dont care anymore. even if its a text. im just gonna say i dont want to see you anymore. i dont feel i need to explain anything. he is good at turning things around on me and twisting my words. i am not in the mood anymore and i dont want to be sucked in anymore.

lsb

I dumped him on Friday. And I feel sad. He feels sad. It makes no sense to me. I thought I was doing the right thing, now I do not know. Now I just feel lonely and I miss him alot. I haven't been responding to any of his messages, but I miss him. He asked me if I hate him, and I just want to say no I don't.

bluejay6

Yes, lsb, it's so sad, isn't it? It hurts a lot. And sometimes we just can't go through with the break, sometimes we have to go back a couple more times before we know for sure it is over for us in our deepest heart.

If you decide to give him another chance, you can test those waters knowing that you are willing to accept the full consequences of your choice. It is your life and you have to have conviction about your decisions and not just do things because everyone else says so.

Just need to repeat: use birth control. No baby with an active addict, please. Too many children suffering out there already.

Wishing you support and comfort as you figure out what to do, and as you deal with your feelings of sadness.

lsb

No well he isnt an active addict. He is recovering for 3 years. But. I really don't know what to do. I feel like this whole mess is my fault. I hate that all this happened. It's like everything snowballed and just got worse and worse. But I dont know why. Was it really bad to begin with? I think it must be something with me. Because I hold things in and I just let people treat me however they chose. I never really stood up to him about some things. I feel like, I wonder how things could have been different.

lsb

Everything got so messed up.

FreeBird09

lsb, first thing you should consider is to stop beating yourself up, sounds like the BF does his share of laying the guilt on and emotionally 'beating you up'. Sometimes we make decisions because our GUT tells us to, but our heart says.. oh but I love him so much, and our mind says, come on now you KNOW this isn't a good situation for you. It's like being in a hurricane. I say do what you feel you should do for yourself. Just be very cautious. Being sucked in by emotions (he said, 'do you hate me' sniffle sniffle) made you feel lower then whale poop and then you started second guessing your position. Nothing is 'messed up' you are where you are suppose to be at today. For today enjoy what you can in life.

Good luck and God bless.